Author: lovemesomeowen
Defying Gravity
People think it's the big events that dominate their lives: graduation, first job, marriage, children. But they're mistaken. Our lives and destinies are shaped by the cumulative effect of thousands, maybe millions, of tiny moments and decisions. And the real irony is that when we're actually making the decisions, we often have no idea of the repercussions that will result. Thus, a redirected ambulance, a falling icicle, and an impulsive kiss have the power to change two lives forever. What happens after that is a combination of free will and fate, as purposeful choice and gut instinct collide…
It was the middle of the night and Owen was wide awake, staring at the ceiling. He glanced at the clock. 3:44 a.m. Only seven minutes later than the last time he had checked. He tried to breathe deeply and relax, but that only seemed to stimulate him more. He couldn't quiet his mind. It was racing in a thousand different directions.
It had been a long time since Owen had been plagued by insomnia. Ever since his return to therapy the early morning waking had pretty-much vanished. Today was an exception to that rule, but then, today was an exceptional day. Today he and Cristina were moving in together. "Me, you, our own place" was about to become a reality and Owen was so excited that he couldn't sleep. The anticipation filled him with happiness. He and Cristina were making a start, making a home of their own.
Cristina. Owen rolled over and looked at her. She was so beautiful when she slept. There was a softness to her features that she rarely revealed in her waking moments…a vulnerability. Owen studied her carefully…her hair, her face, her body…that neck. He wanted to kiss it… to touch her…to love her.
Enough of that, he silently chided himself. Looking at her body like that wasn't going to help him sleep. Telling himself to pull it together, he decided to get up and move to the living room. Maybe some toast and juice would help. He began to slide quietly out of the bed only to stop when he felt a hand on his wrist. He turned around to see Cristina looking up at him sleepily.
"Are you OK?" she asked in a concerned voice.
"I'm fine," he whispered back. "Everything's fine. Go back to sleep."
"Stay with me," she said, pulling him towards her and pressing her lips to his.
That was all it took. Owen felt his body respond instantaneously to her touch. Her kisses were intoxicating. He wanted her. Now. Within moments they were both lost in a tangle of mouths and limbs, hands everywhere, making love with an urgency that revealed both the deep desire and the aching, primal need they had for each other.
Afterwards, Owen pulled Cristina to him, until they were tightly spooned together. His arm snaked over her body, his hand cupping her breasts, his face nestled by her neck. She settled back into him, her tiny hand covering his massive one.
"Love you," she murmured, yawning.
"Love you, too," he replied as he drifted off to sleep. _
The alarm went off at 6 a.m. Cristina gave Owen a quick kiss and then started to get up.
"Why the hurry?" he said groggily, holding her closer.
"Everyone will be here by 7:30," she answered. "We've got a lot to do."
"How can we possibly have much to do? We're moving two floors down."
Cristina furrowed her brow. "You're not disappointed, are you?"
"What?" Owen forced himself awake. "Why would I be disappointed?"
"That we're only moving two floors. I don't know," she sighed. "It's nothing. Stupid. Nothing. It's just that Evil Spawn was yanking my chain, mocking me about us moving within the building…"
"Said the man who is still living with Meredith and Derek…"
"He's recovering!" Cristina protested. "And Izzie left. He'll find his own place."
Owen shook his head in amusement. "You do realize you're like siblings? You're allowed to criticize each other but heaven help anyone else who does it."
"Whatever. I just don't want you to be disappointed, that's all."
"Cristina," he said. "The last thing I am is disappointed. We're moving in together today…just you and me in our own place. I really couldn't care less about the rest. I just want to be with you."
"I know, right? I mean, the proximity to the hospital is so good. And while we won't actually be living with Callie and Arizona anymore, we'll still be close enough to mooch dinner." She was on her feet now, gesturing broadly. "You laugh now, but trust me. The novelty is going to wear off and it will no longer be charming that I can't cook to save my life. Besides it's only temporary."
"What?" he said for the second time that morning. He could barely think. "Cristina…"
"I just mean that we're not going to live in this building forever, right?" she went on, trying to sound casual. She hesitated, realizing how this sounded. "I don't know…"
Owen managed to maintain a neutral expression, trying to contain the smile forming on his lips. "I agree. Plus, we may even need to relocate, at least temporarily. Who knows where your fellowship will be?"
"That's true! I hadn't even gotten that far yet. You'd really give up your job?"
"Of course I would! I can find a job anywhere. Your fellowship needs to be our priority, but we're ahead of ourselves. Here's my point. My home is with you now. Home is where you and I are together. We'll work out the rest. Just take it one step at a time, OK? Now come here," he said, pulling her on to his lap.
"What has gotten into you?" she said, laughing. "People will be here in a little more than an hour!" He was kissing her neck again.
"I just think we should say a proper goodbye to this bedroom, that's all…" he said.
"Like we said goodbye to the kitchen and the living room and the hallway?" she smirked. "And what, exactly, do you call what we were doing last night?"
"That was quick and dirty," he explained, moving his mouth lower. "I want to take my time with you…"
"We. Have. No. Time." she protested.
"Where's your sense of adventure?"
"Fine," she said, exasperated. "How about we say goodbye to the shower? We wouldn't want to hurt its feelings."
Owen grinned wickedly, "That's the spirit!" _
Cristina emerged from the bedroom first. Callie was ready with breakfast. "Scrambled eggs, cinnamon toast, crispy bacon…"
Cristina grabbed the plate and slid onto the bar stool. "I love breakfast. Is it too late to reconsider moving?"
"Don't go there," said Meredith. She was on the couch next to Alex. "You're moving."
"I know," Cristina replied, "but we're going to starve. You can only stand take-out for so long. Quick, I need caffeine." She took a sip from the cup Callie gave her.
"I told you. You can come over any time you want to eat," Callie said. "Seriously."
"I know how to cook," said Owen, walking over to the counter. "We won't starve."
Callie handed Owen a bowl of oatmeal. "Toast will be ready in a minute…"
"Thanks, Torres. Meredith. Karev." They smiled at him in unison.
"So who else do you have coming over to help today?" Meredith asked Cristina.
"Other than McDreamy…not that he'll be any use…Mark, Jackson, Steve and Ryan."
"You actually learned their names," Meredith marveled, a twinkle in her eye.
"I know. Pity, really," Cristina snarked, "But they did agree to do manual labor. It seemed the polite thing to do."
"So, basically, Owen made you."
"Fine. Owen made me," Cristina admitted reluctantly.
"They're not even your interns anymore," said Owen, an amused look on his face, "And they're still scared of you."
"I am not scary!" she said forcefully, glaring at him.
"How'd you manage to get everyone the time off simultaneously, anyway?" asked Owen, changing the subject. "That's pretty much a miracle"
"The Chief of Surgery owes me a few favors," Cristina said pointedly. "Where is he, anyway?"
"Stopped off to get Mark," said Meredith. "They should be right along."
Moments later, as if on cue, there was a knock on the door and Derek and Mark entered the apartment, followed closely by Jackson, Steve, and Ryan.
"Good Morning," said Derek, stepping into the room.
Mark looked bleary-eyed. "Callie, can I get some coffee? I'm begging."
"Good Morning, Cristina!" said Jackson, cheerfully.
Cristina rolled her eyes. Jackson caught sight of Owen. "Dr. Hunt…"
"Avery. Thanks for the help, everyone. We appreciate it. OK…so here's the plan. Cristina and Meredith are in charge of moving everything from this apartment to the new one. Karev, we thought that you could sit in the new place, so that we can keep it open."
Alex nodded his agreement.
Owen continued, "Sloan, Avery, Mostow, Spaulding…you'll start here and then drive over to my place when you're done. Shepherd and I will head over there now to get everything squared away. Back here for pizza when we're all done."
"Where do we start?" asked Mark.
"Bedroom," answered Cristina. "I'll be right there to supervise."
Sloan and Company headed for the bedroom as Owen grabbed his keys from a basket on the counter. Turning to go, he saw Cristina close her eyes, take a deep breath and then exhale slowly before following them.
"What was that all about?" asked Alex, voicing Owen's thoughts.
"Just leaning into the fear," said Meredith matter-of-factly. "She's fine."
Alex shrugged and stood up carefully. "You wanna let me in the new apartment on your way out?"
"Sure," said Owen, holding the door for Derek and Alex. "Let's go."
"See you later," said Derek, giving Meredith a peck on the lips.
After they'd gone, Meredith and Callie exchanged a meaningful glance.
"She's fine," insisted Meredith.
"If you say so," replied Callie.
Derek and Owen rode in silence to Owen's apartment. Owen was driving, lost in his thoughts. Derek considered whether or not to mention the elephant in the room.
He finally decided to go for it. "Stop obsessing," he said.
"Sorry?" Owen asked. "I wasn't listening."
"Stop obsessing," Derek repeated. "About what Meredith said. My advice? Let it go."
Owen gave a heavy sigh. "What the hell does that even mean anyway? Cristina's leaning into the fear?" He gave Derek a sideways glance.
Derek chuckled. "It's a Twisted Sisters thing. I'm telling you, let it go. She's fine."
"I thought she was fine," Owen said, running a hand through his hair. "We've been doing really well. We've been excited about this move. At least I thought we were. Sometimes I just don't understand her. I love her, but sometimes I don't have a clue about how she thinks. Do you understand Meredith?"
"More than I used to," Derek answered. "But it's been a long time coming."
"Really?" Owen asked, curious. "You've always seemed happy to me."
"We are now but, remember, you missed the dark and twisty years. You've only been around to see us all shiny and happy. It wasn't like that in the beginning. Well, actually, it was like that in the very beginning. Meredith and I met, we fell in love, and everything was pretty great…until my wife showed up."
Owen looked aghast, but said nothing, keeping his eyes on the road.
Derek continued, "Yeah, I neglected to mention to Meredith that I was married. Separated, but married. She found out when Addison showed up at the hospital one night. It wasn't good. Then, just to make things even worse, I was confused about what I should do. I felt like I needed to try to make the marriage work."
"Wait," Owen interrupted. "You went back to Addison?"
"I did," Derek said. "It seems so ridiculous now, but I felt like I had to give the marriage one last shot. It didn't work, of course, because I love Meredith. I've always loved Meredith. But at that time I chose Addison and when I did, I broke Meredith. I broke us. And it took a long time to put us back together. Look, I don't know the particulars with you and Cristina and I don't need to know. I'm just saying …don't make your life harder than it needs to be. You obviously love each other. Don't borrow trouble. Things will be fine. Let it go."
"I'm trying," Owen said, pulling the truck into the parking lot. "Come on."
As they approached the building, it suddenly occurred to Derek that despite knowing Owen for almost two years, he'd never set foot in his apartment. They stepped into the entryway and headed for the elevator, taking it to the seventh floor, unit C. Owen unlocked the door and they walked in together. It was a studio apartment, small but tidy, with boxes stacked neatly, ready to be moved. A screen separated the "bedroom" from the living and kitchen areas.
"Nice place," Derek commented. "Is the furniture yours?"
"Just a few pieces," Owen replied. "When I got back from Iraq I really wasn't in any shape to be dealing with any of that, so I just rented this place already furnished."
Derek's mind flashed briefly to Owen's first day at Seattle Grace. In retrospect it was a wonder Owen had even been able to get up in the morning, let alone run a trauma department. Derek winced inwardly as he remembered how he and Mark had treated Owen that day. It was strange to think of it now. Owen was one of his closest friends.
Derek realized with a start that Owen was still talking, "…and, really, it was getting ridiculous keeping this place. I've pretty much been living with Cristina for months anyway." He still seemed troubled and preoccupied.
Focusing his attention fully on the present moment, Derek spoke. "You know, Cristina and I haven't always gotten along. But I've always respected her. Always. As a surgeon and as a friend to Meredith. She is a good person to have in your corner and I've grown to be grateful that Meredith has her."
He paused and then continued, "I've had a lot of time to think lately and you know what? I think Cristina Yang may just be one of the bravest people I've ever met. Think of it this way, Owen. You're miffed because Cristina's leaning into the fear of moving in with you. But the last time she moved in with a man it eventually led to her being left at the altar. I'm impressed she's willing to do it at all, but she's doing it. And she's doing it because she loves you."
Owen looked up at him with a mixture of comprehension and gratitude. "I am an ass," he said, shaking his head. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, now what do we have to do before the others get here?"
"Not much," Owen replied. "Neither of us is supposed to be lifting anything anyway."
Cristina walked out of the empty bedroom and into the living room, sitting down on a bar stool. Callie was stacking pizza boxes on the counter. Gesturing towards the spot where the couch used to be, Cristina said, "Sorry about that."
Callie shrugged. "I've asked Arizona to move in with me. If she does, she'll be bringing some furniture."
"And if she doesn't?" Cristina asked.
"Then I'll need to go shopping," Callie replied. She slid onto the stool next to Cristina. "I'm sorry if we drove you out. It's just endless drama between us lately."
"It wasn't that," Cristina said quickly. Noting the wry expression on Callie's face, she added, "OK, maybe it was a little bit that. But mostly it's just time for Owen and me to move on, you know? Take the next step. You just sped up the process a bit."
Callie smiled. "So you feel good about this?"
"I do," Cristina answered. "It doesn't even feel strange. It feels …right."
"I'm glad to hear that. I'm not surprised, though. You and Owen are good together. And you've certainly been through enough. But you always come out the other side."
"We do," Cristina agreed. "PTSD, all the crap with Teddy…"
"What was that about anyway?" Callie asked. "Because I've got to say, I never saw anything between Owen and Teddy and, believe me, I was looking."
Cristina perked up and said with interest, "No? So what did you see?"
"I saw Teddy in love with Owen and Owen in love with you and him trying to figure out how to keep Teddy as your teacher and his friend, all without having a PTSD relapse. Poor guy. What was he thinking bringing her here? Men can be so dense sometimes. But, anyway, Owen doesn't have romantic feelings for Teddy. There's just no way. It's pretty cute, actually. That man absolutely adores you."
"Thank you! I know I can be a little emotionally clueless sometimes, but I really didn't think I'd missed something that important. Meredith was so convinced…"
"Meredith just wants what's best for you," Callie said firmly. "But it doesn't mean she's always right. It's all worked out now anyway. Just keep moving forward."
"It's weird, isn't it?" asked Cristina. "When you and I started out you were getting over George and I was getting over Burke and now you're with Arizona and I'm with Owen."
"It's been an adventure," Callie said. "I'll give you that. Life with you is never dull. I'm going to miss you."
Cristina turned and looked at Callie. "Thanks for everything…you're a good friend."
"So are you," Callie responded. "And anyone who says differently doesn't know you."
Cristina looked at her warily. "You're not going to cry are you? Don't make me regret saying you're my friend, Torres. I don't do mushy."
"I am well aware of that," Callie said, giggling.
Cristina paused and then said, "I think I'm going to hug you now."
"Do I get to hug you back?" Callie asked.
"Yes, but keep yourself together. I have a reputation to protect," Cristina said, leaning over and putting her arm around Callie's shoulders.
"I promise," Callie replied, giving her a squeeze. "Hey, I'm meeting Arizona at Joe's tonight after her shift. You and Owen are welcome to join us."
"I'll see what Owen wants to do," Cristina said, "But don't count on us. We may want to just settle in to the new place."
"You mean christen the new place," said Callie with a laugh. "I know what you're up to, Cristina Yang. You're not fooling anyone."
Cristina grinned as she got up to leave. "I don't know what you're talking about."
Cristina walked into the new apartment to see Owen flat on the floor setting up the television. She plopped down on the couch.
"Hey!" he said, turning his head to look at her. "All set upstairs?"
"All set. And it's only three o'clock," she boasted.
Owen stood up and surveyed his work. "I think that should do it. Where's the remote?"
"And so it begins," Cristina said. "What's with men and the remote, anyway?"
"I want to watch the Mariners later," he replied, smiling. "Get used to it."
"Duly noted." She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I could sleep right now. I mean it."
"Fine by me," Owen said. "Just let me check this and we'll go and take a nap. The game's not on until seven anyway. We have plenty of time."
Cristina snickered.
"What did I say?" Owen asked, puzzled.
"It's nothing," Cristina said. "Callie may have said something about us christening the new place…"
Owen sat down beside her and gave her a weary look. "Not that I'd normally refuse such an invitation, but I am really tired…maybe after the nap." He closed his eyes with a sigh.
They sat there in silence for a few minutes, then Cristina said, "So when are you going to ask me? I know you're dying to…"
"Ask you what?" he said, only half-awake.
"About leaning into the fear…"
He was immediately alert. He turned and looked at her. "Where did that come from?"
"Oh, come on," she said. "I told you, I can be insensitive, but I'm not oblivious and I'm not deaf either. I heard all of you earlier today. I know you have questions, so ask."
"Shepherd told me to forget it…"
"And I'm telling you it's ok to ask. What do you want to know?"
"I guess I'm just wondering …if I knew what you were afraid of, maybe I could help…"
Cristina shook her head. "And there it is. Full-blown Savior Complex."
"You told me to ask. I'm asking."
Cristina considered her words carefully. "Dr. Wyatt thinks I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop." She waited for his reaction.
"Dr. Wyatt?" he asked, incredulously. "You've been seeing Dr. Wyatt? On purpose?"
"I thought you'd be pleased," Cristina said, a bit perturbed.
"I think it's great, but I'm shocked. I never thought I'd see the day. How long has this been going on? And when were you going to tell me about it?"
"I'm telling you now," she said defensively. "It's been several weeks, actually. I had that mandatory session. You know, post-shooting spree. She cleared me for work but suggested that I might want to keep coming for awhile. I decided it might not be the worst idea ever."
"Any particular reason?" he asked.
Cristina gave him a perplexed look. "Other than the gun to my head, you getting shot and the fact that we both could have died that day? And that's just us personally."
"OK, I obviously didn't say that well. Of course those are more than enough reasons to see Dr. Wyatt. I'm just wondering if anything else is going on not related to that day."
"We're figuring that out," she answered truthfully. "Dr. Wyatt thinks I have a 'deeply-rooted fear of abandonment that manifests itself in control issues.' Whatever."
"OK…" Owen said. "Go on."
"Well, she says that sometimes my need for control is a good thing. Like me recognizing my anxiety after the shootings and being able to accept her offer. I mean, I've seen first-hand what PTSD can do. I don't want that. And Lexipedia's just been…weird. It's creepy. And I don't want that either. So I took a proactive step and I'm seeing Dr. Wyatt. It's not as bad as I though it would be," she admitted. "I don't hate it."
Owen gave her a knowing smile. "And when is the need for control a bad thing?"
"Oh, you know," she said airily, not looking at him. "Like when I tried to trade my boyfriend away or when I broke up with him because he couldn't answer my questions…that sort of thing." Owen reached out and grabbed her hand.
Cristina continued, staring across the room, "She thinks I was trying to gain control of the situation…to leave you before you could leave me. She thinks that part of me expects that eventually you will leave me. My father died. Burke left. And you'll leave, too."
"And what do you think?" Owen asked, gently.
Cristina hesitated. "I don't know."
"Cristina," Owen said, his voice full of reassurance, "I can't promise not to die, but I have no intention of leaving you. Not now. Not ever. You're stuck with me."
"And I know you think you mean that. I do. It's just…. Burke had no intention of leaving either. But he did. This is really more about me than about you, anyway."
"How so?" he asked.
She shrugged. "I can't control you. Only me. So I'm leaning into the fear. That's the best I can do right now, OK?"
"OK." He paused and then added, "I love you."
"I love you, too. Can we take a nap now?" she said, getting up. "Oh! I forgot to tell you. Callie invited us to Joe's tonight, but I said I'd have to talk to you first. Truthfully, I'd rather stay here. We can watch the baseball game." She winked at him.
"You'd really watch the game with me? It's not cardiothoracic surgery videos…"
She threw a pillow at him. "I don't promise to give it my full attention. But it's baseball. How hard could it be to figure out? If you don't mind if I'm reading medical journals, I will watch the game with you."
"Done," he said, rising to his feet with a satisfied smile. "Now let's go and get that nap and maybe we can christen the apartment after all. I suspect that we'll feel very refreshed after we've rested. I don't suppose there are any sheets on the bed?"
"Umm…that would be no," Cristina said. "But I think I know where they are. A shower would feel nice, too. I'm grimy. Come on…you get the sheets. I'll get the towels."
Someone once said that it's the little moments that make up a lifetime of happiness. So many decisions: some big, some little, some that seemed big but were really nothing, others that seemed like nothing but were monumental. As for making those decisions, sometimes everything is very neat and organized and rational as your brain does its job. But other times you just have to go with your gut…that chaotic, irrational creature, as your heart gets the upper hand. And sometimes? Sometimes you just have to close your eyes…and leap.