A/N: *cough* So. Chapter. I'm not quite happy with all of it but it was either post it now or spend another couple of days hammering my head into the wall while trying to find the right words X.x Which probably wouldn't actually help anything on the chapter, anyway. Alas. So yes! Thank you for reading and sticking with this monster of a fic, and I hope you enjoy!
Even in retrospect, Will wasn't entirely sure where the idea had come from. He suspected it had actually been his own fault because while the Seeker was more than a bit enthusiastic about the idea of claiming a future mate properly, the possible combat uses of it had never entered its mind, however useful those kinds of things might be. All it had done was share its feelings on mates and kin and bonded when Will had asked, nothing more and nothing less. The resulting conclusions from listening to that... even if it was getting increasing hard sometimes to tell the Seeker side from his human one, Will strongly suspected that it had been his own Pit-spawned military training that had taken that information and run with it in some desperate attempt to find something useful about it... and then shared it with Ratchet, to get a second opinion on it all.
He wasn't sure where the idea had come from, and that was probably as much because the human and the Seeker side had begun to merge as it was a result of the still-lingering, bone-deep dread sparked by Ratchet's words. It had taken a while to calm down enough to get at reasonable grip on himself again and even longer before the medic had been willing to turn his attention from them for long enough to set things in motion in regards to Will's NEST team's curiosity and endless fascination with their new Seeker. It wasn't much of a useful plan, and he knew it, too, but it was something to do, something to distract him and remind him just where he belonged, and more than anything, that was what he needed now. In any other situation, he would have thrown everything he had into training... but not now, not when it felt like everything new he learned, every bit he improved might soon be turned against the people he considered friends and allies, and who'd had his back in combat. Whatever their medic might think, it was still a very real risk, and both Will and the Seeker knew it.
In retrospect, the whole idea had probably been a result of too much to handle in too little time, and desperately grasping for some way to make it all make sense – a bit of stability in the chaos, however much of a stretch it might be. Most likely, the caged feeling of restless apprehension and anticipation of an attack they knew would come sooner rather than later had affected them and sent them on a frantic search of something they could do beyond watch and wait and do nothing... and hope that being around humans once they'd calmed down would be enough to keep them on the right side of things. Apprehension and anticipation and the feeling of being driven forward by instincts he didn't understand, towards something that existed only on the edges on his mind, brought almost into focus by his talk with Ratchet and still impossible to actually get enough of a grasp on to recognise, no matter how hard he tried. Maybe the idea had been there in the back of his processors already and maybe it hadn't and in the end, it didn't really matter when they decided on it as their course of action. The Seeker had held the pieces of information they needed and Will had spent long enough in the military to see the advantages, and that had been it. Not the most romantic reasoning, he would readily admit, but it didn't change the fact that Ironhide was a warrior and would probably understand, and that driving emotion beneath it all had still been a desperate, bone-deep need to keep his guardian-turned-friend-turned-future-mate safe, whatever reasons might have been piled on top. The same instinctive desire to protect was there whenever he thought of Sarah, too, but Sarah was safe, Sarah was sheltered, and Ironhide was the one on the frontlines, drawing fire so someone else didn't have to.
So really, it had been mostly his own faults that had drawn him into what looked like it was going to be a more than a bit uncomfortable talk with Ratchet. All the Seeker had done was offer him that information and let him know that it certainly wouldn't object to those ideas. Will's own fear of ever making Ironhide have to go through with his own promise had been enough to trigger the rest... and his trust in Ratchet had made him pause for long enough to ask for the medic's opinion, knowing perfectly well that the mech would be less than pleased and probably even had enough control of both of them to forcibly stop the idea if it came to that.
Everything considered, life had been a lot easier before he had to deal with Seeker politics and mating instincts and every single mental theory he'd thought up about Primus' grand plans and exactly where the God of the Cybertronians could shove those, too.
He had expected that Ratchet would probably frown more than a little at the idea of a spark-merge with Ironhide but he hadn't expected to be ordered on the ground immediately in a voice that offered no arguments, or to find the medic waiting for him when he landed, clear displeasure radiating from his entire being to a degree that Will could feel it all the way to the core of his spark, and even the Seeker had cringed slightly as they settled on the runway and watched their CMO – warily.
"I thought we were past the period of impulsive stupidity," Ratchet said when it became clear that neither Will nor the Seeker had intentions of making the first move. "Dare I ask which one of you thought up that suggestion in the first place?"
Which was a perfectly justified question, too, and Will sighed.
"The human part," he responded and hoped he was actually telling the truth. "I asked it for a little more information about what I was dealing with but it's not really wired to think about emotional things in that sort of way. Maybe Starscream and the others have learned but this one's too young, Ratchet. I know it sounds like something it could have cooked up but it's not."
It was silent as Ratchet just watched him, like a bug under a microscope – or Ironhide on the training ground, when someone had been particularly stupid with a weapon – and then Will raised his head slightly and continued, determined to at least get the chance to say his piece.
"I got curious. I wanted to know what I'm dealing with and while you're better at explaining it, the Seeker knows things that you don't. Right now, it's confused by where to put 'Hide in its mental little boxes. He's claimed as a mate but since we haven't interfaced, he's not a proper mate yet. It'll still protect him and get jealous and possessive and be a general pain about it but he's not a proper mate until it gets to... claim him, in one way or another," Will explained as he tried to put the feelings he got from the Seeker into words that actually made sense.
Ratchet nodded a sharp agreement but made no move to interrupt and so Will continued.
"That got me curious about mates." He paused, remembered sharp flares of emotions and demands and the hesitant feeling of the Seeker as it tried to explain concepts that had always been a part of it and implicitly understood by its own breed, and then forced it all aside again to focus on Ratchet. "Seekers mate for life, don't they? That's why they stayed neutral for the most part until Megatron claimed Starscream. They mate for life so getting involved in factions and civil war isn't something any Seeker would want because you might end up on the opposite site as a mate."
"For the most part, yes," Ratchet agreed and a bit of the sharp displeasure seemed to drain from him even if he hadn't as much as shifted and Will wasn't sure if he should feel grateful or apprehensive. "There have been mates who left each other but it was never a common choice. Your coding is made to adapt to the mates you choose, to help ensure a successful union for however long to come. Not much, mind you. It is minor changes, much like human relationships require a few compromises at times, but it is enough to write that small bit of your mate into your very coding. To undo a bond like that again is never lightly done, by Seekers or by any other Cybertronian."
Which matched what Will had gotten from the Seeker in emotion-focused little bursts of information and explanation and he nodded in confirmation and forced aside the sudden apprehension he felt. Somehow, saying it out loud was a lot harder than through the comm-link.
"Seekers mate for life," Will repeated, "and no Seeker – or any other Cybertronian, for that matter – would target their mate outside of a life-and-death situation. If it's done with a spark-merge..." He shrugged and tried to make it sound calm, thought-through, planned, and knew he was probably failing miserably. "With a spark-merge, it wouldn't matter if I turned traitor on you. There'd be nothing I could do to target Ironhide. I know the same would be the case for 'Hide with me but it wouldn't matter with Optimus around. He's good enough to take me down."
There. Nice and simple and logical and the Seeker in the back of his mind felt hesitant about it all but couldn't find anything to argue with, either, and Will strongly suspected that it was nothing more than the lack of strong emotions that it didn't feel sure about. It was a mate, after all, and it was supposed to feel passionate about claiming a mate. Not treat it like a military operation. Something nagged, kept nagging, but he pushed it aside – now was not the time and he couldn't afford the distraction, his current restlessness more than enough to handle as it was.
"So of course the logical course of action is to spark-merge with Ironhide on the off chance that Starscream may affect you stronger than we suspect," Ratchet said in a distinct drawl and brought Will right back to boot-camp or strict teachers trying to get an hyperactive nine-year-old under control – and he obviously wasn't the only one, because bird-brain with a lack of actual prior knowledge and memories or not, the Seeker winced right along with him at that. There was something in the back of his mind nagging him about that, something the Seeker was trying to grasp that Will couldn't even begin to put a clawed, metallic finger on, but it was there and it was enough to keep the Seeker distracted even from a conversation as important to the both of them as the current one was.
"Not on the off chance, Ratchet, and you know it. If it was that unlikely, I would have been out there getting my aft kicked in training by Ironhide. I'm not. I'm here with you, and once that test dummy is done, I'll spend time with my old team, too. If any of us thought Starscream would just be a minor little headache, we wouldn't spend this much time cementing my loyalty to this side to the Seeker."
"So of course the logical course of action is to spark-merge," Ratchet repeated, and the emphasis the medic put on the last word gave Will the increasingly uncomfortable thought that there was something he was missing. "There are perhaps a handful of mechs still online who are older than Ironhide. He has pitted himself against Seekers – against Megatron – and lived to learn from the experience. He has lived through more battles than most mechs will see in a lifetime and you wish to spark-merge with him because it may improve his safety in some hypothetical future that may not even come to pass?" A pause, just long enough to make sure Will caught the incredulous expression that came with the words, and then he continued. "You are aware that our sparks are our souls?"
"I'm not stupid, Ratchet," Will said quietly. "I know what it means."
"Do you? Do you really, William?" Ratchet demanded. "Your Seeker part is young and inexperienced and despite it all, you are still human at mind. Mere weeks are not enough to adapt to your situation or learn to see the world from a Seeker's perspective, rather than a purely human one. Interfacing, in all its creative varieties, can be as intimate as anything the human species could think of, but you have no equivalent of spark-merging. You can, for that matter, live a perfectly well-adjusted life as a Seeker without ever even entertaining the thought of a spark-merge. A spark-merge would be preferred in a mate but it has never been a requirement for your kind. Pure interfacing could create a more than sufficient claim on a mate to keep your Seeker part content."
"But there'd still be the possibility of me or the Seeker getting so bad under Starscream's influence that we'd go after him, anyway," Will pointed out. "You can't deliberately target someone you're spark-bonded with, I got that much from it."
Ratchet sighed and Will really wasn't sure if it was just his standard reaction to such mind-blowing stupidity that it went beyond what a swift smack to the back of his head would fix, or if it was because they were actually starting to make sense to him, and the Seeker sent him a quick succession of emotions in an attempted explanation – concern-worry-exasperation-fear – and then it was gone again, distracted once more.
"A generalisation made by an inexperienced youngling," the medic said tiredly. "There have been cases of such deliberate incidents between spark-bonded mechs in the past. But yes. It is rare and never without serious consequences to the offender. You would, in essence, destroy the part of your own spark in your bond-mate as well as the bit of your bond-mate's spark that had merged with you. I doubt even Starscream would be capable of such a thing."
"So he'd be safe," Will said quietly. "The Seeker wants this. Sooner or later, it'll want a spark-merge because that's the closest sort of bond you can get. This way it would be my choice. Not Seeker-hormones or excess energy or programming demanding it. Right now I'm as clear-headed as I ever get like this. It's said its piece to me and it's been letting me do the talking now. If 'Hide agrees to this, it'd be most fair to him to do it when he'd know it wasn't just the Seeker pushing things."
It was silent for one second, then two as Ratchet watched them again and this time it was less the feeling of a bug under a microscope and more the close scrutiny of someone who knew that they were serious and looked for any weakness in their words.
"A choice made with no genuine alternatives available is not much of a choice," Ratchet pointed out and Will couldn't help a soft snort at that, very human amusement clear even in his new body.
"I wouldn't say that. I can be fragging stubborn if I want to. You think 'Will' is always a good thing?"
Sure, not much of a choice but with things as they were, Will was reasonably sure he could keep the Seeker from forcing the issue if it came to that and the impression he got from the bird-brain was the same. It wasn't as much a truce as a simple analysis of the choices and consequences that could rise from the situation and he got the clear impression that in the end, the Seeker had understood that a spark-merge without Will's agreement would cause more harm than good to everyone involved... and bird-brain or not, it would not hurt a trine-mate or a potential future spark-mate like that.
"Waiting," Ratchet finally said with a strange gentleness, "can be a curse of the Unmaker, can't it? It leaves you too much time to think and too much time to grow restless before an inevitable attack."
Implied, he wasn't making this decision with a level head and it was nothing more than battle-nerves - understandable, considering the sort of attack they would face and the things that were at stake for both the human and the Seeker - and he might very well regret it all when the dust had settled. And even if he had no idea of how, he got the clear impression that it was a test, an attempt to get him angry and make him confess – and it was working, too, because he could feel his anger rise even as he tried to force it back down.
"That's not why I'm doing it." Will couldn't quite keep the edge of temper from his voice, as much the human side as the Seeker being insulted by it all, and he forced his voice to be calm again. "I know all about waiting and being restless and just wanting the slagheads to attack so you can get it over with. That's not why I'm doing it. I owe him, Ratchet. He's my friend - my kin, my bonded, and my mate, and if there's anything I can do to keep him safe if we snap, then I'll do that."
"Mere weeks are hardly enough to make a decision like that," Ratchet pointed out and yes, when he said it like that it did sound like nothing more than restless stupidity, and Will desperately tried to find the right words to explain it all.
"I've known him longer than that."
"Not as a Seeker." Ratchet paused, stared at nothing for a moment and then refocused on them. "If you forced yourself to do this, you could lose control to the Seeker - perhaps permanently - and none of us can afford that now. If you have any doubts at all, any hesitation about this, Ironhide would know, and it could poison the bond beyond repair."
Bond.
Something about the word clicked, made the last pieces of the Seeker's puzzle fit together with blinding clarity and brought the nagging feeling into perfect focus, and he spoke before he got the chance to second-guess himself, felt the Seeker's fierce, silent support and the distinct presence of the first, hesitant strands of a bond he hadn't even been consciously aware of until then, and threw everything he had into that one sentence. "Then let me prove it."
And if there had been any doubts, the were gone the instant Will recognised the flicker of surprise for what it was – Ratchet's reaction through a bond that was still too tentative to block completely – and he pushed his advantage before their medic had time to dismiss the idea immediately.
"Bonds don't have to be romantic. Bonds can be between brothers in arms or friends or kin. I trust you. You're our medic and a friend and you've been there for every Pit-spawned bit of slag I've been put through thanks to this." Flickers of emotions, almost too faint to feel at all, but Will latched on to them, anyway, and tried not to wonder what Ratchet felt on the other end of the bond – or Ironhide, for that matter, with the sort of emotions that kept his processors in their grip. "I know you knew about it, because there's no way you didn't, and I'm sure you thought I had enough to deal with, and I appreciate it, but I can handle this, Ratchet. Let me prove it. Please."
It was as close as he got to begging – and he was starting to do that uncomfortably often as a Seeker, come to think of it – and Ratchet's expression revealed nothing but perfect neutrality.
"And if you change your mind? To break a bond is not something done lightly."
"I won't," Will promised quietly. "I trust you, Ratchet. That bond wouldn't have had anything to latch on to if I didn't, and you're too controlled for it to have started from you. I'll understand if you say no, no hard feelings, but don't do it on my account. I never minded the bond with 'Hide. I don't do a very good job shielding it but I'll learn. I like it, it's comforting, and even if the Seeker was the one to complete that one, I wouldn't change it back if I could. It feels right, like it's supposed to be there, and what little I get from yours feels the same way. This isn't the Seeker. It's me. I want this, I trust you, I like you, and you spend enough time as it is keeping an ear on me through the comm-link. This would just make that connection a little easier."
"And allow me to see if you are, indeed, being truthful?" Ratchet suggested with a telling look, and while Will didn't doubt that the medic knew that safety from a possible Seeker-turned-'Con was part of the reasoning as well, it wasn't the point now and they both knew that, too.
There were only fragments of a second of hesitation before Will raised his head defiantly. "Yes. I know it sounds stupid. I know it sounds like one of the bird-brain's half-boiled plots but you know it wouldn't have asked for a second opinion first. This isn't just about 'Hide. This is – it's everything. This isn't a compromise. This is who I am now, who I'll be for however long until someone gets in a lucky shot, and I can deal with that. Would I undo this whole thing if I could? I don't know, and it doesn't matter, because I can't. This is who I am now and for all that I'm stuck with a Seeker running on nothing but basic instincts, it's not all bad, either. I want this bond. I want the spark-bond with 'Hide, too. I'm trying, Ratchet. I know it sounds stupid and impulsive, the words won't get out right, but I'm trying. Give me a chance to prove that."
Flickers of something – doubt, hesitation, calculated concern, and underneath it all a lingering sense of trust that offered Will a glimpse of just how much confidence any ground-pounder needed to bond with something as volatile as a Seeker – and then the medic held out one strong hand in a soundless offer. This time there was no hesitation at all as Will offered his own clawed hand in return, his own silent acceptance of the agreement as their hands touched and the word spun and the only thing he could think of was how different it had been with Ironhide.
Ironhide had been strength in battle, older than the War, older than their Prime, older than Megatron; strong and scarred and unrelenting, with an undercurrent of just as strong emotions but still unshakable against the torrent of impressions from their bond. Ratchet was strength in the aftermath that always followed war – just as old, just as strong, just as scarred, and just as unrelenting, but the feel was different; cool to Ironhide's heat, tempered to the forge of battle, and with the calm, ruthless ability to do what had to be done sometimes, to make life and death decisions and live with them as the War carried on through endless aeons. Dealing death through necessity, to focus on the ones that actually stood a chance, was very different from the act of pulling a trigger in a split-second decision and the emotions that flooded them now reflected that.
With Ironhide, there had been lust from the Seeker, the love of the sky and the thrill of the flight. With Ratchet it was just as all-consuming but it was trust that was the foremost emotion, trust and fierce determination and the feeling of a presence as old and unshakeable as a mountain, and he reached out before he was aware of it, his own thoughts and emotions wrapping around Ratchet until the raw impressions of the Seeker joined with the tightly controlled emotions of their medic, and it took him long seconds to realise that the sound at the edge of his processors was the Seeker crooning its affection.
Pleasure joined confidence joined trust and the raw feeling of right as he consciously reached out and tried to explain without words, show that it was what he had wanted; that while the Seeker was happy, the human side was pretty damn pleased, too, and the rush of acknowledgement and careful affection he received in return was all the answer he needed to know that Ratchet understood.
This is right, the Seeker murmured and Will nodded his silent agreement.
Do you trust him? Ratchet asked, and it wasn't a voice as much as a mix of emotions and impression that was distinctly Ratchet, and Will's intakes vented softly as he tried to get it all under control again and keep from flooding his new bonded with emotions.
With my life, Will replied and couldn't have lied if he had wanted to. With Sarah and Annabelle.
The bond was still for a moment, wisps of caution and careful consideration snaking through, and then he felt a whisper of a frown.
A spark-merge is more than that. Our spark is our soul, Will. Everything we are, everything we were, everything we ever will be. Every moment, remembered or not. Everything you ever did. Every decision, every triumph, every shameful secret, every thought you would not even admit to yourself. Every moment of jealousy and hate, every moment of love and affection and despair. Everything you are, Will – and with a spark-bond, you share it all with him and in return, you are given the same by him. There will be no secrets, no shadows; no doubts or hesitation or festering uncertainties.
Ratchet fell silent, let Will have a moment to take it all in along with the feeling of seriousness that came with it. Will understood what the medic was doing – making sure that their new Seeker knew exactly what he was getting into, with no illusions and no false certainties – and he appreciated it on a level that he suspected Ratchet understood, considering Will's unstable-at-best ability to shield a bond, and never mind a brand new one.
That is what a spark-merge is, William. He paused and the emotions that followed through the bond as he continued were strong and unrelenting, ice and steel, and made the Seeker shudder in their mind. Everything you ever were, everything you are, everything you ever will be.
Memories flickered through his processors, slow enough to see but too fast to grasp, and he felt his hand grip Ratchet's tighter, felt the hold tighten comfortingly in return as that stability remained across their bond, and he could do nothing but watch and remember and feel the Energon rush faster as the full weight of it all settled on his spark. Every memory to make shame surge through his processors, every nasty, narrow-minded thought he had tried to ignore, every lie, every hurt, every insult-
And he forced it all aside, because it didn't matter. It was Ironhide. The mech knew him, had seen him at his worst; had seen him through hangovers and blunders and battlefield losses and a Seeker he couldn't control, and when Will was finally able to focus on Ratchet again, there was steely defiance in his thoughts.
I know.
It was silent again as Ratchet watched him over the bond but this time there was something else in it, serious thought behind it as Ratchet just watched, and finally the shield relented again to let through a whisper of hesitant approval.
If he agrees... Ratchet said carefully. ... I suppose I have heard of worse reasons for spark-bonding.
There was a surge of relief that Will couldn't quite hide; relief and satisfaction and silent pride, and he carefully reined it in as he tried to keep it from flooding both of his bonds and knew perfectly well he was failing, too – and Ratchet's presence was probably the only thing that had stopped Ironhide from poking him about what was happening, too.
It wasn't unconditional approval, Will knew, and he still had to bring it up with Ironhide, but it was still permission and for now, it would have to do.