A/N: Still behind on review responses D: Fail!author is fail and offers apologies and virtual cookies (with chocolate!)
Working for NEST, Will knew, there were a lot of things you learned to take for granted. Giant, alien robots, for one. Cars that talked back and perverted robot tentacle freaks that got it on with their military satellites, to mention a few others. But on a definite top three, if not at the very top of the list, was the way the 'Bots acted around them. The first time Ironhide had physically picked him up not long after the stuff at Mission City, Will had been less than enthusiastic about it. Oh, sure, Sam didn't seem to have any issues being carried around by Bumblebee and Mikaela still seemed to find it fascinating more than anything, but it didn't change the fact that Ironhide was a walking, grumbling weapon used to metal allies and cannons bigger than a grown man, and humans were soft and squishy and easily broken.
He hadn't mentioned anything, even if he was sure Ironhide had noticed the tension in his body, and he had been more than a bit surprised to find that huge robot or not, he didn't for a moment feel like he was anything less than perfectly safe in Ironhide's hands. No fingers or feet stuck between shifting, black plates, no moment when that metal hand seemed to tighten that bit too much under him, and after a while, he had stopped being amazed and just trusted Ironhide to know what he was doing. The 'Bots were careful around them, whether it was during training or mission briefings or just talking, and it stayed like that even when they got used to each other and the NEST humans developed a sixth sense about when to get out of the way. Even the Twins and Sideswipe were careful in their own very, very special way, and eventually NEST just... got used to it.
It wasn't until the first time he had picked up Sarah in his brand new Seeker body that he realised just how much processing power went behind such a simple act. Just being around humans was bad enough, always with active sensors to keep track of everything and being careful every time he as much as moved, but actually physically interacting with someone was... daunting. Every little shift meant a whole new range of calculations, taking into account his strength, his armour, the size and weight and movements of the human, and if that was what Bumblebee had to deal with every time he casually let Sam and Mikaela sit on his shoulders, Will had seriously underestimated the small scout.
Even now, with Sarah simply resting in the palm of his hand, he could feel that constant barrage of processes if he focused on them... and he frequently did, even if he wasn't going to admit it. Just to make sure they were still there and he wasn't about to do something stupid and dangerous on accident, and because those consistent little pings of acknowledgement were one of the main things that kept both Seeker and human from losing themselves completely in their miniature freak-out.
He hadn't even bothered to try and shield those emotions, on the logic that the best way to warn both of his bonded that he was potentially unstable was by letting them get a good long look at the situation themselves and because misery should be shared and in lack of the actual Primus to bitch out, Ratchet made a decent enough substitute.
Which the medic probably knew already, because Will got the clear impression that his hissy fit had been blocked with downright cheerfulness and if said cheerfulness helped a little bit on that blinding fear that bit at the edges of his awareness, Will wasn't going to complain. His Seeker half was confused, going from angry to afraid to frustrated to furious and lighting up bits of memories and emotions like it was a fragging pinball game, and all Will could do was try and offer a bit of calm in return in the shape of the small, human figure in the palm of his hand.
God knew Will himself wasn't worth much in the 'calm' department anymore, after all.
"Will?" Calm, steady, gentle; like the way she had put her necklace back on after carefully picking it up from Will's palm, and there was a strong surge of fear at the thought that he might not be able to protect her, and it took long seconds before he had it enough under control again to focus on his human... wife? Mate?
Ours, the Seeker stated possessively, in between a hurricane of emotions, and Will couldn't even argue with that. Sarah had made her choice and he had no right to tell her no when all he wanted was to keep her close and protect her from anything the world might throw at her.
"Remind me that I owe big and fugly a few missiles in the face," he said quietly. "Rearranging that ugly mug should be considered a service to the planet."
Not that he was much prettier himself these days, from a human point of view, but he ignored that. He had sort of gotten used to it, after all, and he didn't feel up for any arguments with his Seeker part about the attractiveness or lack of same that they possessed.
"What did he tell you?" She didn't need to clarify who 'he' was. She knew, he knew she knew, and that was good enough for them, and not using his name put a bit of distance between the fragger and them – something they desperately needed now.
Anger at the flying fragger, frustration at how much they let the damn 'Con affect them, gnawing fear at how strong that effect might run, and he pushed it all aside through sheer stubbornness, for all of the half a minute or so of peace it would buy him.
"That I didn't belong here. That a proper mate would follow us wherever we went." Sarah hadn't heard the recording, didn't know just what kind of freak they were dealing with, and Will felt his empty hand tremble almost imperceptibly at the stress of keeping it all away. "He wanted to make sure nothing was wrong. That I wasn't injured and that they didn't have some leash on me to keep me reined in. I could have dealt with that, except it sounded like he meant it. He's supposed to be-"
To be some sadistic, cowardly, worthless 'Con that puts his own aft above everything else, to be someone who'd leave a comrade behind to die in a heartbeat, to be someone who'd shoot his leader in the back and laugh all the while.
"Supposed to be Starscream," Sarah said quietly and even if he knew she would never understand the way the Seeker and he himself did, she still tried and the flare of mate-possessiveness-mine that followed wasn't something he even tried to fight.
"Yes."
They were both silent again, the only sounds being the dull hum of activity well away from them, her steady breathing, and the whisper of his own internal machinery at work. Her thumb stroked a gentle caress across warm metal, made every sensor in his body go on high alert as anger and fear and frustration was forgotten and his full attention was on her, and then she paused.
"Do you want to go?"
Yes, no, maybe and frag it all to the Pit, but he didn't want to face it, didn't want to deal with it, didn't want to know the answer, and still he watched her and pushed aside the fear that had returned in full force, because this was mate, because Sarah trusted him, Sarah would go with him if it came to that, and he would have no secrets from her.
"Part of the Seeker wants to," he admitted quietly. "And a tiny little part of me wants to agree. The 'Bots are family but Starscream and the rest of his trine... they're Seekers and the Seeker part of me knows that, too. Seekers weren't meant to be alone and being around kin like that would be... very, very different. I don't want to go, I've got no plans of going quietly if it comes to that, but I'd be lying if I said the temptation wasn't there. That's just from talking with him, too. I don't want to know what's going to happen the first time I meet him face to face. If his influence is that strong over a comm-line, I don't want to know what it's going to do to me in person."
She didn't say anything to that but just nodded and fell silent as she considered his reply and Will in turn considered her. Even standing perfectly still, there were still a surprising amount of processes focused on her and her safety and he wasn't surprised when a few mental pokes at one of them revealed that they were all high-priority, too. It wouldn't make a difference now with nothing else going on but he wasn't too proud to admit that he was relieved to realise that pretty much nothing could overrule those processes, either. Well, something could if he let it, he assumed, but he wasn't about to and if those same things were at play whenever 'Bee or 'Hide or one of the other 'Bots dealt with humans, it was no wonder that they were able to avoid hurting or killing an ally on accident even in battle. Those things were high-priority and a few more mental pokes left little doubt that even battle-related programming could be pushed to second priority if that was what it took to keep his small, organic mate-wife safe.
"So that's the problem," she finally said in a firm voice and narrowed her eyes slightly in the way he had learned to recognise as her don't-cross-me expression. "What are you going to do about it?"
Whatever it takes, he almost said but knew it wouldn't actually answer her question. She wasn't asking about a purely theoretical situation, he knew her well enough to know that, too. If she asked, she wanted an answer and not just nice little promises that didn't say a slagging thing about what he actually intended.
She'd mentioned once it was because she had never met a trouble-magnet as bad as him and she intended to either get the truth from him or slap a GPS transmitter on his ass, and while Will suspected she was joking – or really, really hoped so – he'd gotten the hint just fine and learned to actually tell her things.
"How much did Ratchet tell you?" Not that he was avoiding explanations, mind you, it was just good to know what he had to work with. The baseline, so to speak. He knew they'd had an argument but just how much of the situation they had covered he had no idea.
Sarah snorted. "As little as he could possibly get away with and I'd still ask for a second opinion on anything he said."
There was a flicker of amusement at that, even through the still-heavy fear and anger that took up a good part of his attention. Sure, it was two mates arguing and clearly not getting along much but even the Seeker could see a bit of amusement in it. It meant that they were strong and not willing to back down easily and the Seeker part approved of that. While the breed preferred mates that could get along, Will wasn't surprised to find that it wasn't a demand. With the sort of personality and instincts Seekers had, there was bound to have been some epic arguments and feuds going on for sure before the war had started.
"He's a good doc," Will commented, still a bit amused. "He's just... Ratchet. Complete with bedside manners from the Pit itself and the tact of Bonecrusher on a bad day."
Another soft snort from Sarah to let him know just what she thought of said medic. "I've met raccoons with more pleasant personalities than him. I would say that you have bad taste in mates but Ironhide is nice enough company. I think your doctor there isn't used to being told no when he's decided on a course of action. For his own sake, he better get used to it. I still owe him a round two and if he's going to make a pest of himself again, I'll find a way to deal with that, too."
For a brief, brief moment in between his own states of half panic and half obsessive focus, Will almost felt sorry for Ratchet. Almost. It was gone again before it could ever turn into anything more than a fleeting thought. While he knew his wife had an impressive temper when she wanted to – and an ability to hold a grudge like nobody's business – Ratchet wasn't always the most tactful of mechs around and Sarah was already under a lot of stress. Whatever had happened, Will decided, Ratchet had probably had it coming.
"That bad?" he settled for instead.
Sarah shifted in his hand to make herself more comfortable and made every last bit of his attention focus on her until she settled down again. "He explained briefly about Seekers. That you were unstable, possessive, and that you would take other mates whether I liked it or not." She paused before he could even ask, clearly annoyed. "I told him that it didn't matter and that we would find a way to deal with that, too. It doesn't matter what you look like, you're still my husband to me, and I mean that. Maybe I don't get Seekers like he wants me to but I get enough to know that I don't care and you'll just have to put up with me."
Gladly, Will agreed, silent and heartfelt, and the word came out as a deep, affectionate croon as his Seeker half added its own agreement to that. He didn't even consciously notice the fear and panic lessen slowly, only the strong emotions focused on the small being in his hand.
"Even if we have miserable taste in mates?" he asked with a lightness he didn't feel. That had been the part his human side had the most issues with and it was no secret to anyone who really knew him that he was still trying to cope. Ratchet's explanations might have worked for a Seeker-human but he had his doubts that the medic had been able to do the same for Sarah. She sounded like she got it but whether the implications of it all had sunk in as well... really, that was anyone's guess. Primus knew Will had taken long enough to be willing to even acknowledge it himself.
Sarah was silent for a long moment – far shorter than it felt, Will knew, but it didn't change the fact that it was still plenty of time for his sensors to pick up on any change in her body, any shift in posture, any bit of tension in her muscles, however tiny it might be, and he had no chance at all to figure out what any of it meant. Reading her body language as a human had been one thing. This was something else entirely and he knew that it would take a long time to be able to understand her the way he used to... and probably her with him, as well.
"Ironhide isn't bad," she finally said quietly. "I mean that, Will. I didn't know him well before and we haven't talked much here, either, but he's a good man. He may not like this situation any more than you do or have much of an idea of how to handle everything but he tries and his heart's in the right place. I trust him. As for your medic, I may not like him but it doesn't change the fact that he believes he does what's right for you and that he means well. He argues because he doesn't wish to see you hurt. The fact that we have very different opinions about this whole thing isn't something I can really blame him for, even if it's terribly tempting."
She shifted again to rest her head against the warm plating above his spark and then she sighed. "If this is what you need, did you really think I would argue? You didn't ask for this any more than Ironhide or I did. I even think that if I asked you to not do this, you would listen even if it got someone killed – and I know what you did to that two-wheeled menace so don't even think about apologising – and I'm not going to do that. It wouldn't be fair to anyone, least of all you and that poor Seeker who got stuck trying to make it work together. It doesn't feel right to a human mind, I know, but I can understand enough to know it's something I have to deal with if I want to keep you at all and I have no intentions of letting you go, William Lennox. I've lost you too many times already." She took a deep breath and got her voice back under control before she continued. "So there. Tell me what you're going to do about all this and we'll deal with that, too."
Easier said than done, that, but Will just nodded carefully and then tried to get his own fear and apprehension back under control before he answered. "You know how mechs have sparks?"
The ghost of a touch as soft fingers brushed against the plating on his chest. "Their souls," Sarah responded.
"Their souls," Will agreed and tried to find a nice way to put it all into words and failed hideously in the process. There really wasn't an easy way to deal with any of it and his Seeker half was still too focused on that fear-anger-panic to be of much help at all. "A Seeker can... interface with its mates just fine and never need more than that-" and frag it all, but that word still made the human side twitch- "but it's not the only way to claim a mate. Cybertronians, all of them, not just Seekers, can spark-merge, too. Take a bit of your mate's spark and put into yours and give them a bit of your own spark in return. A permanent kind of bond you're stuck with until one of you get killed and which makes it next to impossible to kill that mate of yours. You could survive losing that mate because you still – you still have a whole spark, just with a chunk of theirs left in yours that'll live on, but not if you pull the trigger yourself. You'd lose that bit of their spark in yours because of that act of betrayal and wouldn't have a whole spark left to keep you alive anymore. Ratchet says that it's not impossible to kill a mate you've spark-merged with but you'd probably kill yourself in the process, too."
"And that's what you plan to do," Sarah said after the silence had stretched on for longer than Will was comfortable with. "A spark-merge with... Ironhide?"
Will nodded slightly and tried to put thoughts into words he hadn't even spoken out loud to Ratchet, although he suspected that the medic had guessed at least parts of the reasons already. "'Hide wouldn't be able to take the shot against me if needed anymore but Prime could, if it came to that, and spark-merging... it would be the best way to anchor the Seeker side here. It's not the human that's the problem, it's the Seeker, but it wouldn't want to leave a spark-merged mate behind and at least I wouldn't be able to target 'Hide, either, if it came to that."
Another pause, trying to get it across right, willing her to understand and accept and see what he meant even when he couldn't find the words to really describe it, and there was so much to try and explain and so little he could do to make it sound sane. "I know doing it with the biggest weapon we have around here wouldn't be the smartest thing if I ever went rogue on the 'Bots but he's the only one that's even an option. I trust him, he's had my back in combat, I trust him with my life, my men's, even with you and Annabelle if it was ever needed, and he's the only one that... it's about trust. I'd see his spark, he'd see mine – everything in there, every little bit of my life whether I remember it or not, everything I ever did or said or thought however stupid and selfish and cowardly it was, and he's the only one I trust. I know him, I trust him, and he's the only one. Ratchet's... Ratchet but he's too complicated. There's too much luggage there, too many secrets he's never shared, too much stuff he's hiding. Ironhide's just... 'Hide. I know him and I trust him. Ratchet even agreed it's an option. I just need to bring it up to 'Hide now."
He left the because I already brought it up with you unsaid because she could read that between the lines just fine.
She turned her head to look at the two shapes in the hangar behind them, front-liner and medic, and then turned back to him, eyes narrowed slightly. "And is it what you want or is this just another way for them to keep you where they want you? You and the Seeker both, Will. It it what you want or is this just some stupid scheme of theirs that they convinced you was the best way to do it? Because he might mean well but I don't see any other Seekers around and from what I gather, no one seems to give much of a damn about what that Seeker in your head thinks, either."
The startled surprised that followed was as much from Will as it was from the Seeker as their optics shuttered and fear-anger-frustration was forgotten in favour of raw, honest bewilderment at her words, and then that, too, faded to be replaced by a spark-deep need to protect the small mate in his hands.
Looking back, he shouldn't have been surprised at the question – she had told them that she intended to get to know both of them and she was never one to make promises she didn't intend to keep – but the Seeker's reaction, he realised, was perfectly understandable and left a slightly bitter taste in his mouth. Nobody had given much of a frag about what the Seeker wanted, had they? Ratchet was the only one who'd communicated directly with it much and even that had been threats of violence for the most part or to curse out the creature. On one level he appreciated that they considered him the dominant personality and the one they wanted to deal with and on the other hand, there was a nagging sense of guilt that gnawed on his mind as he tried to form a reply. The Seeker ran mostly on basic instincts, the Seeker was still only just learning to handle itself in a brave new world, but it should still have some say in things and no one seemed to care much at all about whether or not Will let it have that. He hadn't minded when he had been panicked and afraid of losing himself completely but with a truce in place... the guilt was there. Silent, nagging, and dark as he listened to the soundless impression of the Seeker's response before he spoke.
"It wants this. It's claimed 'Hide as its mate and wants to stake its claim in any way it can, but..." he paused, knew the impression he got from it went against everything he had heard about their kind, and then he pushed that thought side and continued with the train of thought he had gotten from his Seeker half, however out of character it sounded to him. "It wants you to be happy. You acknowledged it. If you don't approve of Ironhide, it will find someone else that you would accept instead."
It would still be someone else to claim their time, still be someone else that she had to accept, and they both knew it, too, but there was still the gesture of choice in it all and even Sarah seemed to understand how big of a gesture it was for the Seeker as she offered a pale but genuine smile and shifted in his hand again. "And you?"
Silence again.
"Fragging terrified," Will confessed. "Humans don't have anything like it and the thought of knowing someone completely is... it sounds like something out of a horror story where the guy goes nuts because it's too much to deal with. On the other hand, the Seeker knows it'll be worth it and I trust it knows what it's doing when it comes to this. Terrified but worth it, I guess. Nobody made the choice for me, at least."
From her place on the palm of his hand, Sarah nodded. "And you'll have company," she said softly and voiced the thought he hadn't been willing to even acknowledge himself yet. "You're going to live for a very, very long time, because I didn't get you back just to see you get yourself killed again in some stupid stunt. You're going to live for a long, long time and it would be even more terrifying to go through that alone. I can't do that for you."
There was nothing he could say to that to make the painful twisting of his heart any easier to bear so he stayed silent and simply listened to the sound of her breathing and the pulse of her heart until the sound of metallic footsteps approached and they both looked towards the dark figure that headed towards them.
Her lips twitched slightly and then she looked back at him. "If this is what you want – both of you, you and the Seeker, and ignore anyone else on this stupid base – then that's what I want, too. Be happy, Will. I got you back and I love you, and I swear, if you forget me the moment you spark-merge or interface or whatever it is alien robots do, then I'm going to make Megatron look positively kind in comparison. If you're claiming me, then I'm going to do the same, and you can tell that medic of yours to stuff it somewhere very painful if he has any objections at all."
Downright glee from the Seeker – because this was what a mate was supposed to be – and even knowing how unnerving Seeker laughter was, Will couldn't quite keep a bit from it from showing as he nodded obediently. "Yes, ma'am."
It wasn't perfect, they both knew that. They still had a lot to get used to, a lot of adjustments to make, but it was a start, and that was good enough for now.