WARNING! This story contains SPOILERS and YAOI! Also a few minor OCs, so don't kill me.
: Yes, Leverrier is horrible! He should fall into a pit of boiling tar that burns the creepy looking Hitler mustache right off his face. -.-""
glon morski: That was somewhat along the lines of how I thought when Hoshino-sensei released the last chapter. When Kanda is identified as a second-exorcist, I couldn't help but think of Suman for some reason. And then when I thought about it, no one knows why or how he became linked to the lotus in the first place. So there you have it. My rendition of what I think Kanda is. xD
MitarashiiDango: Guarantee a happy ending? Me? Oh dear...we'll see. xD I can't guarantee anything yet, and besides, if I did guarantee something...well now that would be a spoiler, wouldn't it? ^_^
Rated: T [for violence and language] Bold: Used only in dreams or flashbacks to indicate the main character's lines. Italics: Used to indicate dreams, flashbacks, and thoughts.
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Chapter Six: Blame
Moyashi...I...wasn't there to keep my promise...
::
There was no escaping it. Everywhere he turned, he saw everything through a red foggy screen. Bodies. Blood. Dead people that he had once known, had once shared a meal with or a bright, cheery "hello" in the hall, lying lifeless in mangled heaps on the ground. And the worst part of it all was the voice laughing. He wanted to make it stop.
Eyes widening, he slapped a hand to his mouth. Was that him laughing?! He clamped his mouth shut, pressing lips together firmly, but still the laughter came. Dry. Cutting. Dark. Void of emotion. Allen couldn't control it. He couldn't lift a finger.
No, that wasn't right. He was lifting several fingers. Lavi's face was thrust in front of his own and he watched himself slice open his friend's arm, slowly, straight through flesh and muscle. The sight made his stomach turn and he tried to cry out, to stop himself, anything!!
No!! No, stop!!
Came his mental screams but no one heard him. Vainly, he tried to release Lavi's neck and yank his claw back. The Clown Belt tightened on its own accord and the "other Allen" was smirking as he drew metal fingers through flesh. Again, he resisted the pull of his own body. Again, he failed. Allen Walker was powerless to do anything but watch himself in horror.
The screams of pain reverberated in his head, first from Lavi's mouth, then a distinct echo of Kanda. Tears welled up in his eyes and he felt his throat closing.
Why?! I hate the Fourteenth!! Stop it, you bastard!!
"Dear boy, I'm not doing a thing."
Allen gasped in shock as the cruel scornful tone of the Fourteenth flickered in and out of his mind, as if the deceased Noah was dancing about in glee.
The hell do you mean?! Look!!
"You look. Can you not see the claw that just mutilated the redheaded exorcist? Can you not hear the cries of your so-called 'friends' at the pain you yourself are causing?"
Allen's eyes flew to his claw and he held it up in front of him. Red oozing liquid trickled down each double-edged finger and crept its way down to his wrist. The sharp pungent oder of death met his nostrils and he caught his breath, shaking.
He was a monster.
::
Allen sat up with a jolt, covered in cold sweat, as he suddenly awoke. He took a moment to catch his breath, eyes still closed.
"Finally! Geez Allen, you sure can sleep!"
Lavi's bright voice greeted him and he sighed, opening his eyes to look up at his friend. The redhead's smile faltered and he took a step backwards, eyes widening in surprise.
"A-Allen....your eyes...."
Raising an eyebrow, the younger boy blinked and plastered on his usual smile. His head made that characteristic tilt to the left and he chuckled dryly.
"Sheesh, Lavi. What a nice thing to wake up to."
Lavi had lost the smile altogether and said nothing. Taking the opportunity to look over him, Allen noticed with a sinking heart that his arm was smothered in bandages and rested in a sling across his chest. So it hadn't been a dream after all... His own smile weakened and he felt the dark cloud of guilt looming over him. That means....the rest of it wasn't a dream either...
"Now, what on earth are you talking about. What's wrong with my eyes?"
The white-haired exorcist reached for a small hand mirror that lay on the medical table and he realized that he was in the clinic, though exactly why escaped him. He wasn't injured. Since Lavi still didn't respond, Allen sighed and lifted the mirror to look at his face. What he saw knocked the breath clean out of him.
His eyes were golden.
Not just any golden. Noah golden. Hands shaking, he dropped the mirror into his lap and his right hand moved to cover his right eye.
"W-Why..?"
He whispered, words barely audible. Lavi found his voice and stepped forward, laying a hand on Allen's shoulder.
"I...guess it's just a part of you now-"
"Don't you understand Lavi?!? I'm turning into your enemy! I....I did that to you!!"
Allen interrupted with a suddenly angry voice, pointing at Lavi's bad arm. His eyes began to fill with tears, but he blinked rapidly, forcing them back in. Hands clenching into fists, he looked away as Lavi sat on the bed.
"Hey, hey, hey. That's not the Allen I know. The Allen I know would say 'To hell with it.' and refuse to give in or give up."
Closing his eyes tightly, Allen ground out.
"Yea, well maybe I'm not that Allen anymore...hell, I don't even know if I'm 'Allen' at all."
Lavi opened his mouth to answer, thought better of it, and shut it again. The two sat in silence in the private clinic room for several minutes before Lavi finally stood up and turned to go.
"Well, I don't believe that."
Allen looked up suddenly, but Lavi's back was turned and he was almost out the door. Pausing, the redhead glanced over his shoulder and flashed a grin.
"Oh, by the way, Yuu-kun stopped by earlier. He yelled at us to get out so he could be alone with you. It was so out of character for him that I didn't bother questioning it. And..."
He nodded towards the bed.
"...he left you something. Dunno why."
He disappeared. Allen stared at the empty doorway for a moment. Kanda wanting to be alone with me? What the heck is that about? I was unconscious! White hair fell in his face as he looked down at the sheets where Lavi had nodded to. Partially covered by a fold in the sheets was a small pink and white petal.
Confused, Allen reached forward and grasped it delicately between his thumb and forefinger of his deformed hand. He examined the petal. It was wilted, pink hues stained with purple from age. When he turned it over and placed it on his palm, it went limp. To any other eye, it looked just the same as any other petal from a flower that grew in the woods or near a lake, but Allen caught sight of a very soft, barely visible, glow. Realization hit him like a brick to the face.
This is...
The exorcist clenched his hand into a fist around the petal and kicked the sheets off him, standing. He took off out the door and down the hall towards Kanda's room, mentally cursing. Oh yes. He knew exactly what this petal meant. And he knew exactly why Kanda had given it to him. But he was going to demand that the samurai tell him to his face.
You idiot, BaKanda!!
As the boy breezed past several hallways, Link slid out of one to fall into step beside him.
"Walker, it's good to see you awake. I must speak with you immed-"
"Not now, Link! Can't you just leave me alone for one damn minute?!"
The blonde-haired man blinked in surprise and stopped in his tracks. Allen rarely cursed aloud.
::
You're an idiot...you're an idiot...you're a f*cking idiot...
Kanda told himself bitterly over and over as he slouched on the floor, back resting on the side of his bed. How could he have been so stupid? What possessed him to pull that act not ten minutes ago?! He must have looked completely ridiculous.
Che...clearing the damn clinic just to give Moyashi a flower petal?! What the hell was I thinking?! What the f*ck is wrong with me?!
His long raven-colored hair was down and fell over his shoulders as he leaned forward, resting his muscled arms on his knees. He'd gone to Komui after the incident in the clinic, but the Chinese man was too busy helping with the wounded and dead and hadn't managed to finish fixing Mugen yet. After that, he'd returned to his room and changed out of his uniform and into a white dress shirt and black pants, fully intending on meditating, but he just couldn't focus.
Sighing, he unbuttoned the shirt and started taking it off. Might as well try to sleep. A sharp knock at the door made him stop and his eyes narrowed. Shrugging the shirt back on his shoulders, Kanda stood and walked to the door, ready to give whoever dared disturb him a piece of his mind. Just as he reached for the handle, the door slammed open on its own and he was forced to take a step back.
"BaKanda!! What were you thinking?!"
The familiar voice quelled all thoughts of murder and Kanda blinked at the angry face of Allen Walker, instantly rooted to the spot by the sight of sharp, flashing, golden eyes staring back at him. Even if he could speak, Allen would have cut him off. He found himself looking at the boy's deformed hand and the delicate object that rested in its palm as it was thrust into his face.
"What is this?!"
The samurai's sapphire eyes darkened visibly and he "che'd", turning his head to the side to avoid the cursed boy's piercing glare.
"A petal. You blind?"
Allen narrowed his eyes and invited himself in, slamming the door shut behind him. Kanda took advantage of the small pause to walk over and sit on his bed, head still turned carefully away.
"Idiot! You know that's not what I'm talking about. Why the hell would you give me this, and answer truthfully, Yuu Kanda!!"
The taller exorcist crossed his arms over his chest, which was still decorated with a jagged scar that wouldn't heal. Allen stood in front of him, arms also crossed and foot tapping as he waited for the answer. Finally, Kanda relented, dropping his gaze to the floor.
"Che...it's...an apology of sorts." Why am I explaining this to him? "Was the least I could do considering...I broke my promise."
Allen's golden eyes narrowed still further and he knelt to look at Kanda from eye-level.
"So you're telling me that you're sorry for getting hurt? That you're sorry for being forced to synchronize again? That you're sorry for being one petal closer to death?!"
Kanda flinched at the last question and kept his eyes focused on the floor, silent. A sudden tight grip clenched around his forearms and he pulled away but the hands tightened and he finally looked up into Allen's face.
"Why...why would you remind me that my friend is dying?"
Allen's voice faltered and his grip on the samurai's arms loosened briefly before tightening again. He kept his golden eyes locked with Kanda's sapphire ones until the older boy finally spoke.
"It was to apologize for not keeping my end of our deal. You...went out of control and I wasn't there to stop you. I wasn't there to protect the Order or you. I hate people who break their promises and..."
His deep voice trailed off and he once again found the floor fascinating. His chest was twisting in ways he wasn't familiar with and he wasn't used to speaking honestly with Allen about anything. Doors were being opened in the walls that he had so carefully maintained around himself. Doors that he, himself, was opening. Opening to Allen of all people. And to top it all off, a dull ache had started in his left shoulder.
"BaKanda..."
The sound of the well-used nickname made Kanda close his eyes.
"Moyashi...I..."
'Moyashi' cut him off from saying anything more by placing his left hand on a portion of Kanda's chest that was bared by the open white shirt. He slid his hand under the shirt and rested it directly over the tattoo; the warmth from the hand seeping into Kanda's skin.
"It wasn't your fault, Kanda. It was this thing's fault. You didn't have a choice."
His hand lifted off the tattoo and he traced the new scar with his fingertip, careful not to scratch Kanda with his long nail.
"And you're healing slower. It's not like you could have helped it. I don't consider that as breaking your promise. So stop blaming yourself for something that was beyond your control, ok?"
"I could say the same for you."
Allen retracted his hand and blinked as Kanda continued.
"Don't play dumb with me. You're blaming yourself just as much as I am. I don't know all the details, but I'm quite sure that you couldn't have helped it either. The Fourteenth is the Fourteenth. You are you. So you better not do something idiotic like blame yourself for what happened, because it was the Noah bastard's doing, not yours."
The white-haired exorcist looked surprised for a moment and glanced down, eyes darkening.
"I couldn't do a thing, Kanda...I...I just watched helplessly as I felt myself injuring Lavi, giving orders to the akuma...."
His voice was quiet and burdened with pain. A sudden hand on his shoulder made him look up into fierce blue eyes.
"No one can change the past. But we have full control over our future. Heck, if you don't like what the Fourteenth is doing, then tell him off. Take control of him for a change. You might be a thick-headed beansprout, but you aren't weak. You f*cking reformed your broken innocence after Tyki supposedly killed you. And you revived everyone in the Ark by using your powers as a Noah. You can do some damn good with this, Moyashi."
He took a breath and added firmly.
"And I'll make good of the promise I made, because I don't go back on my word. I'll keep it until I Fall."
Allen was staring at him now and Kanda silently cursed himself, releasing his shoulder. Idiot, since when do you give the advice? For someone who doesn't care what happens to the beansprout, you sure are doing a good job of proving otherwise.
The younger boy's determined voice caught him off-guard.
"I won't let you Fall, and you won't let me be consumed. That was the deal we made. So don't go on and on about 'when' you Fall. Because I won't let it happen."
The raven-haired exorcist let dark bangs fall into his face as his head tilted downwards. Allen suddenly took up a softer tone of voice, standing to his feet.
"Arigatou...by the way. You know...for the advice."
Kanda leaned forward as Allen stood, resting his elbows on his knees as he studied the floor, then looked up at Allen with a slow smirk creeping across his face.
"Damn it, Moyashi. Why do you keep talking? It gets annoying as shit."
Allen broke into a grin, a real one, Kanda noted, and crossed his arms.
"Baka, that's why I keep talking. To annoy you. And for the last time, it's Allen."
The samurai's smirk widened and he turned his body, lying backwards onto the bed with his arms behind his head, and sighed.
"Che...you're a bitch."
"And you're an asshole."
"Damn right."
"Oh so you're proud of being an asshole?"
"I said damn right, didn't I?"
"Did I also mention you're a bastard?"
"No."
"Well you are."
"Are we gonna keep up this sick emotional shit, or are you going to leave?"
"Ok, ok, Mr. Pole-Up-The-Ass."
"You're making a f*cking death wish."
"Yea, I know."
Allen opened the door and stepped out, grinning impishly over his shoulder.
"Oh, by the way, Lavi told me some very interesting things about you not long ago. Like how you threw a tantrum over wanting to be alone with me in the clinic. I don't know whether to be surprised, sick, delighted, or a mixture of all three."
He laughed and shut the door as Kanda flushed to the tips of his ears.
I'm going to skin that f*cking rabbit alive.
::
Allen found Link waiting outside the door as he shut it. The man instantly leaned off the wall and stood in front of him. Allen's smile faded into a look of annoyance.
"Walker..."
"Yea, I know, I know. Talk. You and me. Gotcha."
The inspector adjusted his spectacles and headed down the hallway, Allen at his heels.
"Not just you and me, Walker-san. General Cross wants a word with you as well."
The cursed boy's eyes widened and then he gave a sigh of resignation. Great. Just great. Now he was going to have to talk to his Master again, and Earl-knows how many bills he'd receive this time. A thought crossed his mind.
"And Leverrier?"
Link stopped walking and Allen nearly ran into him as the man turned to face him, lowering his voice.
"...No. All he knows is that there was an akuma attack. He was busy with Kanda-san when it happened, so he has no idea you were behind it...and Komui and I plan to keep it that way."
Allen blinked in shock and opened his mouth to ask a question, but Link motioned for him to follow and took off down the hall again. Allen shut his mouth and followed silently.
Link? Howard Link? Not tell Leverrier something like that? What's going on...?
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Whew! That chapter took me forever. I hope Kanda didn't get too out of character for you guys. As always, reviews are welcomed! Next chapter...To Skin A Rabbit.