WARNING! This story contains SPOILERS and YAOI! Also a few minor OCs, so don't kill me.
marufu-chan: Congrats for being the only one to actually guess the hinted pairing in chapter seven xD
Q3APo: Actually, it could be either. I never really specified who was the dominating role.
So sorry for the slow updates! I've been busy with trying to get ready for fall semester at university. But on the bright side, chapter nine is already started! So I'll update a lot sooner. ^_^;;
Rated: T [for violence and language] Bold: Used only in dreams or flashbacks to indicate the main character's lines. Italics: Used to indicate dreams, flashbacks, and thoughts.
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Chapter Eight: New Mission
Lenalee discovered soon enough that being the only girl on this mission was going to suck.
The Chinese girl rolled her eyes and sighed for what seemed like the umpteenth time as Kanda and Allen went off yet again into another quarrel. Before, they'd argued over whether to take a boat or use the Ark to go to Italy, their destination. After Allen won the argument and the group took the Ark, they had fought over who was sharing rooms with who in the hotel. That detail was settled by Howard Link and Mono Fei, who had both been assigned to accompany them. Kanda and Fei shared a room, while Allen and Link shared another. This left Lenalee with her own room, which would have been nice if it wasn't for the constant slamming and knocking about coming from across the hall, indicating that the two hot-headed exorcists had yet again begun an argument.
"You just think you can come right in?! I thought this was my room!"
"BaKanda! I just need an extra blanket! Link took the only one without holes in it!"
"So? You're such a baby! Just use what you have and get out of my f*cking room."
"You're so selfish! Can't you spare one little blanket?"
"That's not the problem, idiot! Now just get the hell out!"
There was a loud door slam and an angry slap of fist hitting wood. Lenalee, now thoroughly convinced that she'd never be granted even a minute of sleep, threw the covers off and swung her slender legs around, feet hitting the floor. She mentally sighed and snatched up a discarded robe from the chair it had been previously draped over, tieing it around her thin nightgown.
This is getting ridiculous...
She vividly remembered her brother exclaiming loudly when he'd called them all for the briefing.
"But Kanda-san! You're probably getting bored here aren't you? And I just know~ that Allen-kun's been pacing around like a lion in a cage!"
"I refuse to go on a mission with that beansprout!"
"Oi! BaKanda, I'm right here! And the name's Allen."
"I don't care what your damn name is."
"Could you give a shit about me once in a while?"
"N-Nii-chan...I can go with Allen-kun. Kanda-kun doesn't have to."
"What?! You and Allen?! Alone?! No, no, no, no, I could never let my dearest Lenalee-chan go off alone on a mission with a boy!"
And here, Lenalee had thrown a well-aimed kick at Komui's head, though he dodged it at the last moment.
"Ok! Ok! I have a idea....I'll send all three of you!"
This had drawn complaints from both Allen and Kanda, but they had eventually agreed; Allen grumbling thoroughly about having to go with Kanda and Kanda just remaining stoically silent.
Shaking her head, the girl plucked the blanket from the unused bed beside hers and walked to the door, opening it a crack and peering out.
The white-haired exorcist had crumpled into a kneeling position on the floor, fist still pressed angrily against Kanda's closed door, though it was slightly shaking with pent-up emotion. His head was bowed and his shoulders shook. For one worrying moment, Lenalee thought he was crying, but that was dispelled quickly as Allen's head shot up and he shouted at the door.
"I can't stand you, Kanda!!"
When the outburst elicited no response, Lenalee hesitantly slipped out of her room, crossing the hall in two steps, and knelt beside the angry boy.
"Allen-kun?"
Allen turned his head in surprise, blinking at the girl.
"L-Lenalee-chan? Haha...I didn't see you there..."
He hastily added, fist immediately leaving the surface of the wood and opening to land on the back of his head nervously.
"You see...Link took the good blanket and I'm cold with mine, because it has holes in it, and I just wanted to ask Kanda for one of his, but he's being so stubborn about it and closed the door in my face, so I got mad and-"
Lenalee stopped the boy's babbling by draping the blanket in her hand over his head abruptly. Allen ceased talking and blinked, covered with the light blue cotton.
"Wha..?"
"Silly. I have an extra bed in my room, remember? You could have just asked for this blanket instead of antagonizing Kanda-kun."
The exorcist reached up and pulled the blanket off his head, grinning sheepishly and cheeks flushing in a tint of embarrassment.
"Oh yea..."
The girl sighed and brushed a strand of her rich-colored hair behind her ear. It had grown out and fell just shy of shoulder-length. She lowered her voice gently.
"Allen...you know you really should just tell him how you feel."
::
Allen's eyes widened and he felt his face heat up at Lenalee's suggestion, swallowing nervously.
"But..!!"
"You're not doing yourself any bit of good holding everything in like that. When you two argue, you're always the one to start it, like you're trying to flirt with him..."
Soft purple eyes, a hue which Allen constantly marveled over, met his own golden ones with an uncharacteristic glint in them. Lenalee's mouth was curved into a small smirk that he'd never seen on her face before.
"Don't give me that look, Allen-kun. It's pretty obvious how much you like him from how easily pissed you get around him. Boys are so predictable."
She tossed her head flippantly and stood, placing her hands on her hips.
"I'm not surprised Kanda-kun hasn't noticed though. He always was fairly blind to that sort of thing, even if he could figure out everything else about a person."
Though his face was now beet red, Allen stood as well and regarded Lenalee with narrowed eyes as she heaved a sad sigh. There was an odd look crossing her face, and he couldn't place it.
Is that...sadness? No, it's deeper than that...
"No matter how much he seems to see through people...Kanda would never notice when anyone tried to gain his favor. He's always been like that. I've seen him reject countless confessions without batting an eye, either not realizing what kind of damage that did to the girl or not caring. Which was why..."
Here she trailed off and her eyes gained a faraway look. Allen might be slow to notice things, but there was no mistaking that look now.
"Lenalee...did you used to...have a crush on Kanda?"
A twinge of pink flared up in the girl's cheeks, but it swiftly died down and she nodded.
"I did. And when I saw how he handled other love confessions, I decided to keep my own crush to myself..."
She brightened a little with a soft smile.
"But I know now that it was more of a brother-sister type love. We still have a good friendship, and he's as much of a brother to me as Komui-nii is."
Allen forced himself to reflect her smile back at her with one of his own, but something she said had caused a slow churning in his stomach. He opened his mouth to voice his concern quietly, smile slowly fading.
"Lenalee-chan...if Kanda...well what I mean to say is..."
His eyes drifted down and he began fiddling with the hem of the cotton blanket, twisting the light blue fabric between his fingertips.
"...if I told him how I felt, wouldn't he just act the same?"
The question was met with silence as Lenalee became at a loss for an answer.
He wasn't sure what he would do in that situation. If Kanda was so quick to reject confessions, what would make this any different? Allen brought his hand up to his chest, clutching the blanket in his fist. There was no way Kanda would treat him any differently, and he was a boy to top it off.
To be so cold to a girl...he'd be insulted if I...
To admit his feelings to Kanda with even the slightest hint of hope would be the equivalent of calling the samurai a homosexual. That would not go over well. Allen suddenly remembered something with a sinking feeling.
Even if he did feel the same way...there's no way he'd accept it.
Kanda had even told Allen himself that he didn't want to hold anyone to close. In the older exorcist's mind, people who were close to him were at the highest risk of being hurt. Allen felt a raw dryness creeping down his throat. Even if the unthinkable happened and Kanda reciprocated his feelings, what was he expecting afterwards? A relationship? The dark truth slipped into focus.
Kanda's fate as a Fallen One caused him to close himself off to anyone who tried to get close. And he would continue to do so unless someone broke through the thick wall he'd placed around himself. The white-haired boy tightened his fist around the blue fabric in his hand as Lenalee sighed.
"I'm sorry, Allen-kun, I just don't have an answer for that...goodnight."
She disappeared in her room, shutting the door softly behind her. Allen quietly returned to his own room, closing his eyes as he collapsed onto his bed without a glance at Link. He wanted to be the one to break through Kanda's barrier, to help him see that it didn't matter to him if he was in danger. It didn't matter if sharing a bond with the samurai placed himself in a bad situation. Kanda couldn't just live the rest of his life alone. And come to think of it, what was Kanda's past? Had he always been so alone? Was that why he kept pushing people away?
The young exorcist curled up, pulling the loaned blanket around himself as best he could. He narrowed his eyes. Whether Kanda liked it or not, he would try to be the person the other exorcist could rely on, even if it meant abandoning his feelings for the boy. He would push through that wall around Kanda and show him that he just couldn't shut himself off from the world. Closing his eyes, Allen felt a shudder run up his back. A single thought shook his resolve.
When the time comes, will I be strong enough to do it?
::
There was no way he'd be able to sleep tonight. Not after hearing that.
Kanda was glaring daggers at the closed door, even after the hushed voices of the two younger exorcists had faded away, as if daring it to make him angrier than he already was. He hissed in a breath between his teeth.
You're such an idiot, Allen Walker!
"Number Eight, are you alright?"
Mono Fei's voice came from the other bed. Though he had chosen concerned and friendly words, his tone was anything but. Kanda retorted.
"Why do you f*cking care?! Wouldn't you rather say something like 'When are you going to raise your synchronization rate?' or 'Don't stress out your body; it isn't your own anyway.' ?"
"No need to become hostile."
"What do you expect when you only ever call me 'Number Eight' ?"
"..."
"That's what I thought."
The samurai didn't even give Fei the courtesy of a final glare, turning over in bed to stare at the wall. He once again began to lose himself in thought, fists tightening into the sheets.
Are you really that stupid, Moyashi? Really? Who gave you permission to "feel" shit towards me at all?!
Having a sharp sense of hearing, Kanda had managed to catch every single word between Allen and Lenalee. What Lenalee had said was only partially true: Kanda was always sure to give any sort of love confession the cold shoulder, but he wasn't oblivious. He knew very well how much he hurt all the girls who'd had the guts to confess to him. His cold exterior made sure of that. And it wasn't like he denied ever having the desire for a relationship. It was simply a matter of what hurt the least, and rejecting them now was a lot less painful then seeing them killed later.
He'd also known for a long time that Lenalee had been interested in him. She was pretty good at hiding it, but Kanda was sharp. To be honest with himself, he couldn't exactly say he hadn't been interested as well. Lenalee was a good-looking girl and extremely kind. She put up with all of his crude remarks and foul moods without so much as a frown. Maybe at a different time, in a different place, it would have worked.
But you don't know me, Lenalee. None of those girls did. None of you know, and you never will. You'll be safe that way. No one knows...except...
Kanda heard a soft noise from the other bed, indicating that Fei had drifted off.
Moyashi...why did you have to open the door to the real me? I tried so hard to keep it locked. I did such a good job. No one had been able to break through...until you stuck your nose in where it doesn't belong!
He grit his teeth. Allen was the only person who knew even a fraction of information about him. And he wasn't running away like he was supposed to. Why wasn't he running away?
Why do you care about me? Don't you know what danger you're in?
The Japanese exorcist just didn't understand. People who tried to get close to him never made it out alive. He wasn't meant to have a normal life. He was destined to remain alone. That could never change. Allen would just have to realize that.
Ugh, why did I ever agree to his damn deal?
Kanda's blue eyes blazed as they bore a hole into the uneven wallpaper that covered the wall of the room. So, the reason Allen wasn't running off was because he had feelings for him? As surprising as it was, Kanda wasn't shocked. The white-haired boy had always been passionate in everything he did. When he got it into his head that he liked Kanda, he probably also set up some sort of resolve. Though what the boy saw in him, Kanda couldn't say.
It's no big deal. Granted, I've never received a confession from a guy before...but that doesn't matter. I'll just refuse like usual. Make him hate me. Then he'll be safe again.
With a blink, Kanda realized what he was saying and angrily turned over again, clenching the sheets between his curled fingers. To his dismay, he felt heat creeping into his face.
Why do I even care?! He's an idiot; I don't have any obligation to protect him at all. He can have his stupid little crush if he wants. It's nothing to me. I won't even say anything unless he gets the balls to confess. I don't f*cking care anyway.
Satisfied, the raven-haired exorcist closed his eyes, fingers loosening their hold on the sheets. His muscles relaxed as he tried to chase sleep. It was fine. He didn't care.
I don't care...
...
...Right?
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I really need to update faster...D: Someone stand over me and my writing desk with a whip! Please? Next chapter...A Crack In The Wall - Part One.