One thing that bothers me is that I can't find a good synonym for "kowtow". It's an ugly word and I hate it, but it's one of those maneuvers that East Asians do (its situational). "Bow" simply isn't descriptive enough.
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Yoji: The lack of reviews doesn't really bother me that much. I mentioned it more as an interesting fact than anything else. I would prefer to have more, but reading yours always cheers me up regardless. There is a tradeoff between lengthier chapters and faster updates, the longer the chapter, the slower the update. For this fanfic, I've chosen to have quick updates and short chapters; otherwise I'll just lose interest in writing.
Kairi Shidou: Oh, someone who noticed my mayo comment. It actually bothers me when authors put really unrealistic characterizations in fanfics. I understand that fanfiction is sort of an author's dream placed into text format, but still firmly believe that these dreams shouldn't be an escape from reality.
To all the rest of you that I didn't reply to before this chapter, I will on the next one.
I thank everyone for their support and look forward to reading your thoughts on my story.
I walked home after that. The weather reflected my mood perfectly, glum, dark, brooding. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. Before I knew it, I was at the bus station, waiting to get to Mama. Maybe it was a lie; maybe it was a case of mistaken identity. An image of my mother hiding in the corner mumbling to herself crossed my mind. I scrunched my face in frustration. That image wasn't the most pleasing. Most people would believe a person better off dead than stuck forever in unending torment. In my heart a secret hope that she was actually fine held firm.
Often, I wished that this world was nothing more than a nightmare, that I was still six years old and stuck in some dream. Somehow, I would wake up crying, my mother would come in and comfort me, and everything about this world would be forgotten.
I punched a light pole. Fuck, I couldn't be this weak. I wasn't allowed to be this weak. I had to prepare for the worst, even if it wasn't true. At least, unexpected good news was always less damaging. Damn it, now my hand hurt.
The trip there took far too long. I needed to know the truth, was it really my mother? It probably was; how could they not know her? I visited every week, so they knew me too. I glanced at my watch, school ended ten minutes ago. Whatever - Mai would take care of Mikoto. Mai seemed to take care of everyone.
Fuck them; I knew I would be alone from the beginning. The Carnival showed me that the only one I needed was myself. Investing so much into someone else was hurtful. I nearly died when my mother disappeared. More than that, my heart died when Juliet did, because I knew that Mama was gone. Mama is and will always be the most important person in my life. I never wanted to see her suffer. Maybe in death her pain will finally end.
The nurse greeted me calmly, this week without a smile. I suppose she knew too. Instead she offered her condolences, and called someone up to escort me to the morgue. The lights glared down at me, and the walls were so white that its reflection just worsened the effect. An unearthly glow beckoned to me from every object I passed. Fuck this was depressing.
The nurse explained what happened on the way there, but I didn't want to believe her. Instead, all the information just echoed off the walls.
Before I knew it, the door was in front of me. A kind nurse opened it for me and gestured for me to go inside. I took in a breath, gathered up every bit of courage I had and waltzed in as if nothing could bother me.
Through the little looking glass was a body covered by a thin sheet. The nurse nodded to the doctor inside and he removed the blue sheet. There she was, my mother, white like porcelain, and stiff as stone. My heart lurched at the sight of her dead body. I bit my lip and swallowed my emotions.
Nodding my head, I turned towards the nurse. She gestured the doctor to replace the sheet. Without saying a word, she looped her arms to my back and patted it in a gesture of comfort. I recoiled and glared at her before storming out.
I ended up at the storage facility that held everything we once owned. Most of Mama's case files were here. There were too many papers, all were useless now. They were useless before, but I couldn't throw them away, because it meant that she would never return to me. Now, it didn't matter. There was no way that she could return to me short of a miracle. Mashiro pulled off that miracle once, but Mama wasn't dead then, now she is. If miracles could happen every day, they wouldn't be miracles anymore.
God there was so much dust. Fucking dust spread everywhere. Damn spider webs were all over the place. Fucking spiders had to live everywhere. I kicked a box; fucking God took my mom away. The box spilled over. Great, this was another mess for me to clean up, as if I wasn't fucked up enough.
I picked up some of the files and leafed through them. Somehow, reading them made me feel Mama was still around. Most of the papers were forms from various cases she worked on. All of them involved some sum of money. My mother was a litigation lawyer after all. I stopped on a page that caught my attention.
"Fuji Keitaro"
The name was familiar. I pondered to myself about where it came from. Fuck, it was that man. The businessman I thought I mistook for one of her assaulters. There was no way that his name was a coincidence. Everything in my hands dropped to the floor. I had the chance to take my revenge, and I lost it.
Maybe if I proved that I took care of him to my mother, she would be alive. Maybe if I showed her, she would've snapped out of it. My fists tightened. Maybe I would've come here with her to reorganize her life.
Damn it. I started hitting everything in the room. The walls shook from my assault and papers flew everywhere. I began sneezing at all the dust that flew into the air. It took a very long time to calm down. Finally I decided. I was going back to his house to kill him.
I took the first train to his hometown. Fucking bastard would pay for my misery, for Mama's misery. All I had to do was go to his house, sneak in and slit his throat. Still, the idea of a quick silent death was unsatisfying. He deserved a lot worse for what he did. Various plans for my ultimate vengeance unfolded in my mind on the seemingly long ride there.
He was about to enter the house when I got there. It was late, so I was surprised. The sun had set, and dinner time had long past. I threw a rock at him. He spun around with an annoyed expression. As planned, he saw me and began to chase after me while yelling for me to stop.
We got to a nearby park. It was late, quiet and thankfully isolated. I stopped, turned around and watched him struggle for breath.
He held both hands to his knees. "You," he huffed, "stop."
I glared at him. "You raped my mom."
His eyes widened in surprise. I made sure to remember that expression before lunging at him with my knife drawn.
Something suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back. No! I was so close to stabbing him. He crawled backward in fear while I was wrestled to the ground by none other than my occasional employer, Natsuki Kuga.
"Fuck!" I screamed. "Lemme go! That fucker deserves to die. He took everything from me." I struggled more against Natsuki's strangle hold. Fuck, why was life so unfair?
Mai rushed out and tried to calm my victim down. "Are you alright sir?" she politely asked.
"I'm, umm," he stuttered, quickly stood up and brushed off the dirt from his clothes. Composing himself, he addressed her, "I'm fine now, thank you."
Natsuki tried to calm me down while Mai was attending to that bastard. "Stop Nao, this isn't the way. Calm down."
I was losing strength and paused in my struggle. "It's his fault that Mama killed herself."
Fuji Keitaro stiffened at my comment. He approached me despite Mai's warnings and studied me closely. Something inside must have clicked, because he suddenly paled and appeared very somber. He got on both knees and kowtowed at me.
I relaxed my body, so Natsuki loosened her hold. The three of us stared at him in surprise.
"You're right. I am the man who broke into your house and raped your mother." He explained.
"Good, then I can kill you." I replied before Natsuki tightened her hold on me. Damn it, have some faith in me at least. I wanted him to confess first; it wasn't something I expected him to do willingly.
"No! Wait, please." He lifted up his head in panic. "Please, just hear me out," he begged.
I nodded my head.
"Look, I was a terrible man ten years ago, but I've changed." Somehow that seemed very hard to believe. "I used to be a gambling addict. Your mom, she took on an embezzlement case that involved my company. I lost millions, so I was angry. I did those things to her for revenge."
That was enough; I prepared to break free of Natsuki's hold. Still, he continued to speak. Fucking bastard, what more did I need to hear.
"I'm different now. I'm in a twelve step recovery program. I've stopped gambling, I have a wife and two beautiful children. I even visited your mother to ask for forgiveness." He confessed.
That bastard, he saw my mother the day before she died. It was no coincidence that I saw him there at the bus stop near the hospital. "You fucker! You're the reason she hung herself." I screamed. I broke free of Natsuki and lunged at him, but Mai suddenly jumped in front. I veered and barely missed her. She pinned me to the ground. Fucking Mai was too fat, damn breasts were too heavy.
Fuji had an expression of pure fear on his face. I smiled at it. If I couldn't kill him, at least I could scare the hell out of him.
A woman's voice was shouting in the distance behind him. The misses ran up to us and grabbed her husband. "What is going on?" she questioned, "I'm calling the police."
Fuji managed to stop her, but she seemed determined. He explained that he was just scolding us about vandalizing the park, but that just made her more adamant about contacting the authorities.
Finally Natsuki spoke, "Look lady, just walk away."
Mrs. Fuji looked at her with disbelief. "Or what young lady?" she asked.
"Or I make you and your husband disappear." Natsuki calmly replied and drew out the gun she kept beneath her jacket. She fished out a silencer from the inside pocket of her coat and began screwing it on.
The woman panicked. "You can't do that."
Natsuki slowly drew her lips into a sadistic smile. "I can, I have and I will if I must. I'm very good at what I do. Now leave and forget this ever happened."
The couple's eyes trained on the weapon as they slowly backed away. Both of them started running as soon as they thought they were far enough.
Each of us let out a breath that we didn't know we were holding. Both Mai and I looked at Natsuki with a curious expression.
She sighed, "Shizuru doesn't know." He eyes were cast down with shame. I guess looking for lost cats and dogs with few real jobs in between didn't pay enough.
I watched Fuji disappear into the darkness before glaring at my associates. Even if I wanted to yell at both of them, I was too tired to do it. The day had been an emotional rollercoaster that was nothing but drops. I wondered if I dropped into hell yet.
We stayed at a local motel that night. It was far too late to catch any bus or train out of the rural area and all of us were tired. I laid in bed thinking about Mama. She was gone; I had to accept it. The guy who hurt her wasn't the same guy anymore; I had to accept that too. As much I wanted to kill him, it felt like a worse punishment to let him live with his crime.
Now I had nothing. Tears rolled down my eyes. I didn't want to accept this reality. It was far too harsh. Fuck, how could I be this weak? Weakness was unacceptable. The weak should die. I should die.
Mai noticed my struggle and came over to comfort me. "It's ok to cry."
"No it isn't. Crying is for pansies." I snapped. The trails of salty water down my cheeks didn't exist.
She slowly drew me into a hug. "Tears are nothing to be ashamed of."
It was crap, but I didn't care. All I could do at the moment was pour out my soul while sobbing into her chest as she whispered that everything was going to be all right.