*Amy's POV written by me*

Chapter Twenty One

Amy's POV

Entry 8,

I don't even know where to start. I kind of just want to laugh? Is that bad?

When things get seriously awkward I'm not good at processing them. I can pretend, sure. But things definitely got awkward tonight and I am just so confused right now given everything.

Being with Karma today has been some sort of fever-dream. It's like I'm dreaming but I'm not. She's here and I'm just, I dunno, I guess I'm not sure this is real? Is that bad?

It is bad… I know… It feels like any second now she could turn around and laugh and say: JUST KIDDING!

Not that she would… She hasn't said that in a long time actually. And this is obviously different, it is.

But we faked it for so long and we faked it again and every time it never felt to me like she was faking a thing. And now we're here in New Orleans walking around the French Quarter and pretending we didn't just completely change everything about what it means to be us. She touches me and it feels like before. I have all these memories that feel so real and everything's connected and I'm just really not good at this, I'm really not good.

She's asleep right now. We had to talk, a lot.

Apparently Karma was thinking we were going to have sex tonight.

I can't even begin with this.

I'm honestly so fucked up in the head right now and that's just really not me. I generally strive to NOT be fucked up in the head, which is sort of why I tried to run away from this, but for Karma I'll change and for Karma I'll look at every small minute detail and over-analyze it from here to Krakatoa if that's what she needs, I mean, I love her, she's always been mine and I've always been hers. It's just so complicated right now.

I didn't expect for things to be perfect all day. I didn't expect to let myself get lost again. And I definitely didn't expect fucking Reagan to swoop in and start acting territorial. Like, I'm not mad at either of them but what happened was obviously about their relationship, not mine.

Reagan's worried. And I get it.

She pulled me into the bathroom between sets and dragged me into a stall and started whispering to me about how I better be sure.

I didn't even know what to say. Reagan and I hadn't been that close in so long and when I went to her for help it was obvious she was probably never really in love with me. I dunno… I guess that's harsh? I just can't see why she would break up with me just because of my sexuality, I dunno… Lately nothing makes sense.

When Karma came into the bathroom to check on us and found us both in the same stall she was a little perturbed but I could tell she wasn't thinking anything crazy about us.

The rest of the night was like a pissing contest.

All of a sudden I was the damsel and Reagan and Karma were my knights. Only it wasn't that great because they were both using me to get to each other and I just wanted to stop playing games, I'm just so sick of playing games.

And then we got back to the room and Karma nearly jumped me. It was just so…

Ugg…

And she leaves tomorrow. She'll be gone.

I just know that as soon as she leaves I am going to be so confused.

I mean, yeah, we could've slept together here but something tells me she's really not ready. And I know she rushed with Liam and I know she's had a lot of sex and so have I by now but still… This just doesn't feel like the right time.

Am I an asshole?

I sure feel like one…

I dunno…