My eyelids looked red. It took me a few seconds to realize that they were still shut and light was cascading down onto my face. Was it morning? Were the lights on? Damn this pillow was lumpy. I moved my hand to adjust it. Strange, this pillow had two lumps and a hard middle. What in the world was I sleeping on? It groaned. Oh my fucking God, what the hell was this? I shot out of the bed to see Mai sitting in bed and rubbing her eyes as she awoke.

"Why the hell are you in my bed?" I screamed at her.

She pursed her lips in indignation. "You wouldn't let go of my arm after you fell asleep. I couldn't wake you."

I frowned. "I'm awake now, get out!"

Someone whacked my head. "Be nice!" scolded Natsuki. "She stuck with your crying ass the whole night."

It didn't register at first, but now that I looked around; this wasn't my apartment. Fuck, I forgot that we stayed at some shitty motel last night. I feared waking up in strange places; it usually meant something went wrong.

Damn, everything was wrong. Mama was gone. That bastard was still alive with his pretty wife and cute kids. God damn it all. The only comfort I could console myself with was the fact that he had to live with the guilt for the rest of his life. Reality sucked. After last night, I didn't really feel like killing him anymore. It was meaningless; life was meaningless.

Natsuki and Mai were bustling about the room for some reason I couldn't fathom. Odd, there was only one bed in the room. What was this place, a love hotel? I looked over to the nightstand and found some condoms sitting in the ash tray. Fuck, it was a love hotel. What did the clerk think when we showed up looking for a room?

"C'mon," said Natsuki. She opened the door and gestured for us to leave.

We took the train back. The station was crowded, as usual. Too many people continued their lives in this pathetic world. They only had to care about meaningless things, school, work, and social status. What was the point? Education wasn't everything, jobs came and went. Society doesn't give a fuck about anyone. It left everyone to the wolves once it finished sucking out their souls.

"How did you find me?" I questioned.

"Fumi told us about your mom. Natsuki knew where she was hospitalized, so we just followed you from there." Mai responded. She leaned on me in the train and yawned. Natsuki was sleeping now. From her darkened eyes, I could tell she didn't get much last night. They must really care about me to patiently wait for hours out of sight.

I noticed Mai's arm was bandaged. It was probably my fault. "I'm sorry about that." I briefly traced where the wound would be under the bandages.

"I know," she replied. "Don't worry, I'll make you pay me back soon enough," she jested. It did nothing ease my guilt.

It was quiet now. A lot of people came and went from the train car, but none of them were interesting. They just moved about their mundane lives waiting to die. We got home at exactly 10:06 AM. Mikoto was waiting at the door. She tackled me on site. Why am I always pinned to the ground?

"You hurt Mai," she stated.

I stopped struggling. "Yes I did," I said in a defeated voice. "I promise never to do it again. I swear on my mother's grave." It was serious.

She literally growled and eyed me carefully as if trying to decide whether to trust me or not. Finally, she let me up. "You keep your promise or we dig up your mom." So that's how she interpreted it.

The day passed more or less like normal, except that I didn't go out that night. In fact, I didn't do anything at all. After Mikoto confirmed that I was not a threat, I just lay down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling.

Questions about life raced through my head. Scenarios of alternate choice paths played over and over. What if I killed him? What if none of this happened? What if I hadn't cut Mai? Suddenly I felt alone. In the past, only Natsuki could relate to my pain, but she was still different. Fujino changed her, probably for the better. I wondered if there would be anyone like that for me. Would I change for anyone? Was it possible to change?

The smell of food distracted me from my thoughts. Chicken katsu was for dinner tonight. I looked over to the cook. Mai tried to change me. Maybe she was my Fujino. No, that was ridiculous. Mai tries to help everyone, always the goody-two-shoes. It meant nothing for me personally. On the plus side, she was far less crazy than the former student council president.

"How long are you going to sulk?" she questioned while serving the food.

I ignored her and looked away. My stomach growled in hunger, because I hadn't eaten since last night. Still I did not want to join her and Mikoto. Right now, being part of any group seemed wrong.

"At least come here and eat." The ceramic plate clinked as she set it onto the table.

My stomach rumbled again. What a time to be stubborn. I decided to give up my fight against hunger. Why starve myself if I had the choice to eat? I sauntered over to the table and plopped myself in front of a bowl of rice.

Mikoto asked for seconds before I even began. Her attitude always surprised me. Even after the Carnival, she managed to keep that carefree attitude. At first I attributed it to her general stupidity and stunted emotional growth, yet once in a while, I'd catch that look of sad recollection. To this date, I could never figure out who was her most important person. At first glance it was obviously Kanzaki, but her loyalty to Mai was also a very strong. It was sad actually. On one hand, she seemed to have a forbidden love, and the other seemed to be a misunderstood one. Maybe her behavior worked like Kanzaki's smile, a farce that kept people ignorant of her true self.

Without saying a word I began to eat. I could feel Mai staring at me while the food slowly traveled down my throat. I didn't meet her eyes. What could we talk about? I didn't want her pity. I wasn't so pathetic that I needed to rely on her sympathy. After today I would move on. Somehow I would make myself believe that everything would return to normal. I lost Mama ten years ago; the woman who died wasn't my mother anymore.

The food was too salty.

"Nao," Mai said. "Are you alright?"

"Yes." What kind of person would say no?

"No, you're not."

"Yes I am." Why'd she ask the question if she knew the answer?

"You're crying into the rice." She reached across the table and touched my face. I recoiled. Something wet appeared on her finger, I bet it tasted salty.

"Fuck you. Leave me alone."

She stayed silent after that.

For the next few days I did exactly what I promised myself. I moved on. My life continued as if nothing had changed, and I acted as if a chunk of me wasn't ripped out. All the teachers gave me make-up work to finish. Missing all those days of class was probably very bad for my grades. It didn't matter that much I suppose. It wasn't as if I was better off than Natsuki or Mai.

Financially, I was supported by Mama's savings, but the hospital bills took most of it. Fuuka Gakuen was free, but food wasn't. All my spare cash came from mugging perverts and selling information to Natsuki. If I was lucky, I'd get into some vocational school that wouldn't require too much tuition. Given the events over the last few days, I was probably unlucky. Maybe I could land a job at Natsuki's place or offer my services to various other investigators. Becoming an informant didn't seem that bad.

I didn't go out hunting at night though, and I cut off all communication with my dubious acquaintances. I knew I wasn't addicted, at least I believed so. School was important, so all my energy was placed into catching up.

It didn't take long for me to become restless. There were so many bad men out there waiting for their chance to violate a girl like me. His face flashed through my mind. The pencil in my hand snapped. My teacher came by and lightly smacked me on the head.

"Yuuki-san, don't distract the class." He said.

That night, I went out. No hunting, I promised myself that. There were so many prowlers out, too many. Today I watched them, not all men were bad, I knew that for a fact, but so many were that it didn't really matter. Truth be told, I was tempted to take one or two out. It wouldn't be so bad. I was cleaning up the world after all.

A couple moved towards a dark alleyway, one of my many old hunting grounds. He looked around twenty-five; she was definitely in middle school. It was creepy, but not unusual. Young girls had crushes on older men, but were both physically and emotionally unprepared for such relationships.

I followed them and watched them make out. His hands began exploring her body. First he just touched the arms, or her back, but he soon moved on to more private areas. She shrieked when he touched her butt. I nearly jumped out of my spot.

God, I felt like a voyeur. He stopped for her, and slowly convinced her to continue. It was obvious that she was desperate for attention. Maybe she convinced herself that this was love. He began placing his hands under her clothes. This was getting too hard to watch. I wanted to back away, but couldn't stop watching. There was something I was waiting for. I wasn't getting off while watching them. No, I wanted to hear something happen, and her stiff body movements indicated that it would happen soon.

She screamed, and jumped away from him. "No!" It looked like he went too far. The man frowned. He grabbed her and pinned her against the wall. The girl started to cry.

There it was, the excuse I wanted. In no time, I rushed up to them and held my knife against his neck. "Back off slowly," I ordered him.

The cold steel on his skin was convincing enough. He held up his arms and complied. The man laughed and said, "Look, we're just having some fun."

I looked over to the girl who held an expression of shock, sadness and horror. Her eyes desperately pleaded for me to save her. I tilted my head towards the alley entrance. The girl took off without a second thought.

"Is that so? Then I should have some fun too." I hissed. "Take off your clothes."

Maybe I was addicted after all.

Edit: 9/21/10