WARNING! This story contains SPOILERS and YAOI! Also a few minor OCs, so don't kill me.
Ah! We've reached an omake point! After so many chapters, I like to add a small extra, and we're at the mark with this chapter. But since I'd rather not break up the plot right now and this turned out longer than I had planned, the extra is a longer chapter! Yay!...right?
Anyway, I know my Moyashi's been anticipating this chapter for a long time, so this should make her very happy. Am I right, Ulqy-chan?
Random note but I did decide to break up one of the flashbacks in this chapter from the rest of the dialogue. It's separated by "::" marks but it's not meant to be a separate scene or thought. Hope that doesn't confuse anyone. ^_^;;
For my readers and reviewers, I'll say what I always do: You guys are the best!! I'm serious, your reactions and opinions are what inspires me to write the next chapters! I highly value your opinions and if you ever have a thought on what you'd like to see happen in this story, let me know! I pretty much have the plot set, but if I like your idea, I may add it in. Thank you so much!
And without further ado...enjoy the chapter!
Rated: T [for violence and language] Bold: Used only in dreams or flashbacks to indicate the main character's lines. Italics: Used to indicate dreams, flashbacks, and thoughts.
Chapter Sixteen: What Do You Really Want?
It was silent.
No, no it wasn't silent. Steady breathing pierced through that crushing void of soundlessness to classify it as not being silent.
But it was quiet, nonetheless.
Allen was sitting up in bed, staring at the wall, not daring to allow his eyes to wander where they wanted to linger the most: over the body of the sleeping samurai in the next bed. He looked everywhere but to his right, including the chairs against the left wall, one of which had housed a slumbering Mono Fei not moments before. Where had the inspectors gone anyway? And where was Lenalee? Nevermind, it didn't matter. Sighing, he lapsed into thought once more, his mind running through what had happened for the tenth time.
"Allen-kun! Kanda-kun's still breathing!!"
It took him a minute to fully comprehend what Lenalee was saying as his sobs slowed, but once it hit him, his eyes flew wide. Still alive?! No...it was too good to be true!
But it was true! As soon as his head pressed against Kanda's wounded chest and he listened intently, he could hear the shallow thumps of that heart, still beating, like a beacon of hope. Tears fell anew from moist eyes as he clutched Kanda to him, crying half in sorrow for what had happened, half in joy that the Japanese was still living.
Link and Fei took the exorcist from him as soon as they heard the news and Lenalee helped him up. He wanted to stay by Kanda's side. He refused to leave him. Not anymore. With a shaky arm, he assisted Lenalee in limping after the inspectors. They made it to the hotel and Kanda was taken immediately up to his rented room. A doctor was called and Allen and Lenalee waited in Lenalee's rented room, Allen pacing the entire time. The doctor soon came in and took care of Lenalee's ankle, giving them the news that Kanda was stable but his wounds would take a while to heal completely.
Immediately upon hearing that, Allen rushed into the other room, catching sight of Kanda's bandaged body lying on bloodstained sheets. He sat beside the exorcist and remained like that for the next several hours, refusing to budge even when Lenalee urged him to come downstairs and eat. Finally, he took her advice and got some rest, but insisted on sleeping in the same room. It took a while for him to actually fall asleep, but he did, dreaming restlessly of the Fourteenth and watching Kanda get stabbed in the chest over and over and over...
Allen shivered, squeezing his eyes shut and drawing his knees to his chest.
Can't think about it anymore...I can't...
"...M...Moyashi?"
Golden orbs snapped open and he sucked in a gasp, body becoming rigid. Slowly, as if afraid he won't see what he wants to, needs to, see, Allen turned his head to his right. His gaze was met by an uncharacteristically soft sapphire one.
Oh my god...he's awake.
The sapphires blinked and Kanda elicited a groan from his throat, clenching his eyes shut again. The younger exorcist was off his bed and sitting beside the older one in an instant, placing his hand on Kanda's arm.
"Kanda..."
Pain twisted his voice and the boy felt a lump forming in his throat as he watched the weak body flinch, the face wincing. His hand lightly squeezed Kanda's arm in a desperate attempt to help. The huge bandage around the samurai's chest was stained through with hints of red.
"How bad...does it hurt?"
Kanda must have heard the crack in his voice that time, because his eyes flew open and he stared up at Allen in surprise. The cursed boy looked away, downcast and fearing the worst response. His hand retracted from Kanda's arm, but suddenly he felt a warm grip take it and hold it firmly. Blinking, he chanced a glance back at Kanda's face, only to have his eyebrows raise in disbelief.
The Japanese's fingers curled around Allen's cursed hand, something uncommon and unheard of all on its own. His eyes bore a light of concern in them and he never broke eye contact or let go of the hand. Allen's body relaxed a little as Kanda opened his mouth and spoke in a quiet baritone, sounding weaker than usual.
"Baka Moyashi...you know how fast I heal. It barely hurts at all."
Tears welled up at the sound of the beloved nickname and Allen let out a strangled sob, his hand twisting in Kanda's grip to hold the other's hand as well, tightening his fingers around the older boy's. He suppressed the overwhelming desire to embrace the wounded exorcist out of pure relief that Kanda was alive and healing, for fear of hurting him.
"B-BaKanda..."
He fought to control it, but the way Kanda was looking at him with such an oddly gentle gaze pushed him over the edge. Watering eyes overflowed and his free hand came up to scrub viciously at them before covering his face as it turned away. Allen's shoulders shuddered as he cried silently, his hand shakily clutching Kanda's own as if any separation would mean the exorcist would slip away from him. Kanda himself was silent.
After all this...he denies even feeling hurt! It's just like him...and to look at me like that...like...he's actually worried...
Allen brought both feet up onto the bed, bending his legs and letting his head fall forward to rest on his arm on top of his knees.
I don't deserve it. I'm such a filthy monster! I put him in a dangerous situation and now he's hurt...and he almost d-....I don't deserve it. I'm not worth his worry! How could I possibly think that I would be able to get closer to him?! He probably doesn't even w-
"Allen."
The boy was jerked from his mental breakdown by the sound of his name coming from the samurai's lips. He gasped in a breath and held it in shock. The hand in his squeezed lightly and he hugged his knees, hiding his face. After a moment of silence, the deep voice spoke again.
"...Did...you cry for me before?"
Allen's body tensed and he grappled with himself for a moment.
Why...would he care about something like that? Kanda never gives a shit if someone cries...in fact, I bet...he'll be mad at me for crying...
The exorcist sniffed and yanked his hand away from Kanda to wipe his arm roughly across his eyes before looking up enough to stare down at the floor. His head gave an almost imperceptible nod and he cringed, anticipating the backlash. Silence ran between them for what seemed like ages before the bed shifted as Kanda sat up, a soft huff of pain coming from him due to the effort. Allen closed his eyes tightly, fearing he would be hit.
"...Idiot."
The word came out much softer than it should be and before the white-haired boy had a chance to respond, strong arms encircled his upper body, pulling him into a warm embrace. Stunned to silence, Allen could only sit there as he felt the welcoming heat radiate around him. Something tickled his neck and his eyes flew wide as he realized it was a long lock of hair, sliding along his skin and falling over his chest. He slowly looked at it. Midnight blue. His heart thudded in his chest as he heard breathing beside his ear and someone's head rested on his shoulder. Gathering his courage and swallowing the lump forming in his throat, Allen let his eyes drift to the side, taking in the sight of Kanda's face.
Wh-What the...K-Kanda?!
The wounded exorcist's eyes were closed and the expression on his face was unreadable. Allen's mind raced to find an explanation for why the samurai was hugging him, but every reason seemed stupid. His cheeks filled softly with heat and reddened, fully aware of the close contact. Kanda never hugged anyone. Ever. It just didn't happen. Warm air blew over his shirt as the Japanese let out a sigh, one of the delicate blue eyebrows twitching before both furrowed in concern.
"I'm...sorry..."
::
The words came out of his mouth naturally and Kanda tightened his arms around the beansprout, ignoring the twinge of pain that shot through his chest at the use of his torn muscles.
It was you who I saw, wasn't it? When I was going unconscious...it was you.
He didn't know exactly when or how it happened, but he'd hugged Allen. It was like a reflex, something that was meant to happen at that moment. And to be honest with himself, he didn't give a shit what the other thought of him for it.
Your tears fell on the petals...you were sad that I was passing out? Unless you thought...
...Baka Moyashi.
Kanda sighed as he loosened his hold on the younger exorcist, allowing enough room for Allen to twist his body and stare at him like he was crazy. It was only right for the boy to be confused, right? He wasn't acting like himself after all.
Then again, how exactly was Kanda Yuu supposed to act?
Shaking his head, Kanda dropped his arms altogether and leaned away from Allen, placing one hand on his chest as the movement pulled at his wound.
"Don't cry next time. I'm not just going to up and die, baka."
Besides...you shouldn't care if I die. I'm not supposed to be missed. Forget about me, Moyashi. I'm not worth your time...
"I'm...not worth your time..."
His head jerked towards the boy in shock as Allen voiced his own thoughts.
What the-
"Why are you so worried about whether or not I was crying when you were so badly hurt?!"
Golden eyes fiercely burned into his own sapphire ones, and he felt a feeling of cold run through him at the sight of the seven cross marks across Allen's head. He never could get used to the stigmata, even if it was a natural part of Allen now. Something twisted his chest.
Allen's coming closer and closer to being enveloped...
"It doesn't matter; I heal faster than the average person anyway, so-"
"That's not the point!"
Moisture glistened in Allen's eyes and he turned away, fists clenching the sheets into balls. Another shiver ran through Kanda's body and he felt himself slowly tensing as he watched Allen. Something was off.
"I don't deserve your concern, don't you understand?! I let you go into that building alone, I let you fight by yourself, I let you get injured, goddamnit!! It's all my damn fault, and you shouldn't care!"
The samurai let the cursed boy rant, though something kept screaming in his head that something was going to happen if he didn't stop him.
"M-Moya-"
"Maybe I should just let the Fourteenth take over and be done with it..."
A spark of anger ignited in Kanda's eyes. That wasn't Allen speaking.
"Baka, snap out of it!!"
He snatched the other's collar, hissing partially in pain from his wound and partially in anger. One look at the clouded hue to Allen's eyes spoke a thousand words and confirmed his suspicion.
"You have to fight it! You're going to have to choose sides one day and stop skirting the line like this! And I'm not letting you just slip away!"
A dangerous light glinted in Allen's orbs and he shoved against Kanda's shoulders, pushing the weaker exorcist away, but thankfully the fog had cleared a bit.
"I can't! I can't, don't you see?! I'm destined to be the Fourteenth! Mana left it with me, and now I'm stuck with it! I'm going to cave eventually whether I want to or not, so it's hopeless! I have no choice!!"
"F*ck it, Moyashi, you DO have a damn choice! Not all fate is brought upon you; you have to choose it!"
Allen's breath was coming in soft huffs as he glared at Kanda, but his gaze softened as he calmed down and looked away.
"Maybe you do...but I don't..."
Silence fell. Allen refused to look up and kept fiddling with the sheets between his fingers. Sighing, Kanda raised a hand to his forehead as a flash of memories jolted back to him.
::
The pain was too much to bear...innocence was eating away at Kanda's body and he cried out again in pain, screaming for Hevlaska to stop synchronizing.
"STOP IT!! IT HURTS!!"
Tears streamed down his face and his body felt like it was on fire. He couldn't see, his vision blurring, voices barely audible as everything began fading. His last ounce of control was slipping away from his grasp.
"What are you doing?! He's starting to fall!"
"Bak, shut up! Who's in charge here? He can still make it!"
"It's too late, Leverrier!!"
"No it's not!"
Hevlaska's voice punctuated the others as Kanda saw a flash of white light and the burning increased ten-fold. He released a chest-wrenching scream of agony, but nothing came out, his mouth merely hanging slack.
"It is too late. He's already falling. There's only one thing that can delay it."
Somehow he could still make out voices, but it didn't register in his mind. Leverrier seemed to hiss in annoyance and then shouted.
"Then do it! We'll try again another time."
Instantly, Kanda was shaken by some electrical force and he felt his heart stop, then a sickening full minute later, it started beating again. His vision hazed into darkness and he was suddenly surrounded by flowers. The pain faded away into a dull ache.
"Yuu Kanda, you have gone against God and for this you will be punished, but by the grace of God you have been granted a longer time on this earth. Will you accept the curse or perish now?"
The gentle voice permeated the darkness, holding a note of sorrow. The young Japanese wanted to just forget about everything, to die right then. No one wanted him, no one cared anyway. Why should he live through pain? But then he realized what was happening: he was becoming a Fallen One. As such, he would cause so much hurt, so much sorrow, and so much death. No...he couldn't...and what if she was still out there? He couldn't die yet, as much as he desperately wanted to.
"I-I accept! I don't...want to hurt anyone! I can't... Please..."
Kanda choked, his nine-year-old body suddenly filling with healing.
"Then you must also take everything the curse brings. You will be targeted more than other exorcists. Every time you use this new power, you will lose some of your life and come closer to your Falling. It is your choice as to how long your life will last. Preserve the lotus petals, and your life will be long. Risk your life easily and it will shorten. Anyone who strays near you will be hurt, and by holding others close to you, you endanger their lives."
The image of a glowing lotus, sporting thirteen healthy petals, floated before him. A life of solitude and danger. That was what he faced. Was it worth it? Yes. For everyone's safety. For the Order. For...her.
Closing his eyes, Kanda felt a sleepiness and calm come over him and despite the increasing cold, he struggled to stay awake The fight was proving too hard as he slipped into unconsciousness completely.
"I...won't die...until I find her..."
Then everything went black.
::
"Kanda...?"
Allen's soft hesitant voice brought Kanda back to the present and he lowered his hand from his forehead, shifting his eyes to the side to look at the white-haired boy. Somehow, he'd managed to breach the walls of security that the samurai had be certain to put up. No one should be hurt because of him, so he would keep them all away. But not Allen. A small twitch tugged at the corner of Kanda's mouth as he answered the sprout.
"Hm?"
"...how do you do it...how do you stay calm... even though you know what'll happen in the end?"
The wounded exorcist's eyes fell to the bed before him. Yes, how indeed?
"Because I made a choice early on in life...I don't want to let things happen to me. I refused to. Heh...you probably know that's just how I am."
A rueful smirk crossed his face.
"I don't have a happy ending ahead of me. But the best I can do is make sure the path to the ending is as good as possible. And make sure I accomplish my goal."
"What's your goal, Kanda?"
That hit him a bit. He'd never opened that up to anyone before. After a minute of hesitation, Kanda closed his eyes and lowered his voice to almost a whisper.
"To find someone."
"...Someone?"
"Yea. My...sister."
Why am I telling him this?
Allen suddenly stared at him with widened eyes.
"You have a sister?!"
Kanda felt indignation course through his veins for a moment and shot the boy a glare.
"What, you think I don't have family?!"
"...I just think people are lucky to have one...I find it hard to believe in family."
The exorcist was staring down at the sheets again, which had become twisted into a wrinkled mess under his fingers. Kanda was silenced on that particular point and dropped his gaze downwards again as well.
"I never had one, so when I hear someone else had one-"
"-Baka...you must have had one long ago. Otherwise you wouldn't be here."
Kanda answered with a huff. Honestly. Allen surprised him with a half-hearted chuckle.
"Not that, BaKanda. I was never told who my parents were or if I had siblings or anything. Who'd want a kid with a deformed left arm, anyway?"
The Japanese held up his palm and stared at it like it was something weird.
"It...hurts more when you knew your family and they were taken from you."
A sigh was heard from somewhere in Allen's direction.
"Sorry, Kanda. I had Mana taken from me too. Heck...he didn't care about me, he just wanted me for his brother...the Fourteenth. I was nothing to him..."
"Che...how do you know he didn't care? No one knows what happens in someone's mind unless they reveal it to them."
"I just...feel like I have a reason to doubt him now."
"There's always a reason to doubt. What's more noble is finding a reason to hope."
Another huff that sounded similar to a laugh came from the younger exorcist.
"Eh? Kanda teaching me about hope, this is new."
Kanda narrowed his eyes and dropped his hand to the sheets.
"It's just because I can't stand people who do nothing but angst."
"So you can't stand yourself?"
"I don't angst."
"Sure you don't...ugh...i-it's happening again..."
Allen's voice sounded pained and Kanda blinked, lifting his head.
"What's happening ag-"
Oh shit!
He hadn't noticed, but throughout the conversation, Allen had been slowly wincing in pain, then bringing up a hand to his forehead, and now his eyes were covered over with a glassy film.
"K-Kanda..."
Kanda's breath caught in his throat before he snapped into realization and grabbed Allen's wrist tightly, almost jerking the boy towards him. There was no way he was letting this happen now.
"What did I just say before?! Choose your fate, idiot! Don't let it choose you!"
Allen began struggling against his grip, writhing away from him as if just the touch of the samurai's hand was burning him. The movement forced Kanda to bring his other hand up to the boy's shoulder to steady him. Allen only jerked more, causing strain on the muscles of Kanda's chest, but he merely responded by tightening the hold, gritting his teeth.
Oh no you don't.
"Choose it! C'mon, baka, choose it!"
Allen's eyes gained a crazed look and he stared at Kanda fearfully, trying to shove the exorcist away.
"No I can't!!"
"Yes you CAN!"
He nearly snarled at him, ignoring the fact that Allen's struggling was reopening his wound. Kanda's breathing came in gasps.
You and I made a pact. I've been failing on my side of the deal, but not anymore. I won't let you hurt anyone! Including yourself!
"Who do you want to protect...Allen? What's your damn purpose?! What do you really want?! TELL ME!!"
::
A shock shook him. The words coursed through him like fire, igniting his entire being and echoing to his core.
'What do you really want?!'
Allen closed his eyes and fought against the voice in his head.
"You want to let me out, don't you? Stop struggling. Just let me take over, and I'll make all the pain go away."
'What do you really want?!'
No...I don't want that!! That's not what I want!!
'What do you really want?!'
What do I want...what do I...
'TELL ME!!'
Allen opened his eyes with a snap, glaring at Kanda with a steel gaze as all his thrashing stopped. His chest heaved as he gasped out the first thing that came to mind.
"I want...to...protect... everyone...to...save...EVERYONE...!!!"
Yes. That's exactly what he wanted. It's what he always wanted, what he strove for most in the world: to keep those he cared about safe. Everyone.
"And how do you propose to do that? By letting yourself lose control? Control the Noah, Allen. You can do it."
At Kanda's slightly softer tone of voice, Allen felt the grip on his wrist loosen and tears of determination sprang to his eyes. The samurai's face held faith and silent assurance. He was suddenly filled with the empowering feeling of control.
He's right, Fourteenth. I'll never let you have control. In fact, I'm controlling you!! So back off and leave me alone!
Silence was the Fourteenth's response.
Allen's body was instantly relieved of all the pain and stress, his muscles relaxing and he began to feel exhaustion setting in. For the first time in a long time, he was at peace with himself. There was no voice in his head. He was in control.
"I...I can...I did..."
His voice came weakly as he fell forward, letting strong arms catch him. He'd done it. With Kanda's help, he'd done it. Allen's eyes closed as all the stress from fighting the Noah off before, the fight, everything, melted away.
"Th-Thank you...Kanda..."
The exorcist allowed his body to succumb to sleep in Kanda's arms. The one who was known for his horrible attitude. The one who didn't care about anything. The one who'd managed to help him see that nothing was hopeless. A shaky smile turned the corners of his mouth up.
Heh...BaKanda...
::
As Allen pulled through and collapsed in his arms, Kanda felt a wave of relief wash through him. He sighed and his body slowly relaxed, all the tenseness melting away from his muscles. Allen was alright.
The dull ache from his chest wound was more pronounced now, due to trying to stop the boy from floundering about and losing himself entirely, but Kanda didn't care. He'd shown Allen finally what he needed to do. As he leaned back against the bed with a fleeting smirk, Kanda realized something.
Ah...looks like we already covered that whole 'needing to talk' thing...
His eyes closed as the consequences of straining his wound began to take full effect. Allen was still in his arms with his head of white hair resting right under his chin, but somehow he didn't mind in the least. It was odd. Only days ago and he would have murdered the sprout for so much as poking him. Somewhere along the way, they'd formed a bond. Whether out of free will on either side, or just from sheer necessity of having someone to rely on, it had happened. Kanda let out a long breath of air as he too fell asleep.
Che...you've made me become too damn soft, baka Moyashi...
And that was how Lenalee and the inspectors found them.
Wewt! Finally, their bond is starting to grow! You can't deny it any more Kanda.... *grins evily* Well you guys asked for Yullen and a non-cliffhanger, so there you go! I hope this was satisfying? No?
Next chapter...Tension.