*we've gotten a long way on this in the past two days*
*Again I am writing the part of Amy and Blackindiaink is writing the part of Karma*
*we switched from diary view to POV to move the story along*
*the conversation continues*
The Karmy Diaries Continued…
AMY
"I'm not giving up on you, it's just hard…" I said. "How am I supposed to feel confident in us when it took me leaving for you to suddenly see and want me?"
KARMA
I had no good answer, just hope. "I know, you're right. I can't ask that of you. I just don't want you to come back and we have no chance. That's my problem though. I'm selfish and I want you all to myself. I could let it go easier if I didn't feel this way now."
AMY
"If you really want me you can wait…" I said it but I knew I didn't mean it. It wasn't fair of me to be saying this. It wasn't fair of me to be pretending Karma wasn't going through a whole shit-storm of other things but I didn't know what else I could say.
KARMA
I nodded my head. "That's totally fair. I will. I can. And maybe I can come see you again before the summer is over."
Asking Liam for another favor would not be fun but I would. There was no doubt.
"I guess I'll just have to hope that no one sweeps you off your feet while we're apart." My laugh sounded lame to me and I know Amy could see right through it.
Amy
"Karma…" What the fuck was I supposed to say to that. Could she really not know that all I wanted in the whole world.. All I wanted ever, was just her?
I could hear her trying to laugh it off like she wasn't nervous and it hurt. I could never drop her and this was the closest I had ever come ever. I wasn't doing a very good job.
Karma
"I know, I know."
I can't ask her to wait for me. Who knows maybe she will find someone out there on the road. Someone who would recognize what a great girlfriend she makes before they screw it all up by being a selfish, blind idiot.
"Let's talk about something else. Are you having fun?"
Amy wasn't good at saying things and I wasn't good at not saying them even if they were usually the wrong things to talk about.
All I want is for her to come back so we can spend some time figuring out if this really would work. I want it to. I want to try so much it hurts.
At least she won't ever make me empty promises.
Amy
"What?" I was thrown. "I mean, yeah! Yeah…" My voice softened. I felt my fingers absentmindedly playing with my hair as I imagined her exact expression while she said those four nice words.
What kind of fun could I be having? I wanted to laugh. She threw me.
"Actually no," I laughed, truthfully. "Last night I met some of Reagan's friends. It felt good for a while but then it… It got old."
Karma
She was thrown but at least we were trying to be normal. "Why did it get old?" I hoped that she wished I had been there. I wish she would say it but I can't expect things like that. It makes me crazy and it isn't fair.
Why do I always pick wrong and have to clean up the mess? I guess I'll figure it out someday but also I'm a teenager. Aren't we supposed to mess up? At least I know that I've screwed it all up.
I just wish I didn't have to go to work later. All I'll do is think about Amy and about how she's out there hanging out with all of these cool band people. It's noooo fair.
Amy
"Well…" I was dragging the word out and wondering what I should say. "There were a number of reasons, really." It was good to talk about something else. "For a second it felt like old times and that scared me."
Karma
"Whiiiiich weeeeeeere?"
Classic Amy. She's trying to think of what to say and how to say it and avoiding a little. This is the easy part. We can talk about unrelated things all day long.
Her heart is at least partly still mine. I can feel that but I'm not stupid enough to take that for granted. I want to be perfect for her. Well, as perfect as I can be. It's easy to overshoot that.
Amy
Dammit. I can't talk to her about this stuff. It's too hard. "I dunno," I shrugged. Knowing that she couldn't see me made me feel a bit better, a bit bolder. "Safe, I guess," but those words felt idiotic the second they left my mouth. "With her I created this safe little bubble. But you know why it felt safe. You know I wasn't really giving her all of me."
I waited for her to speak but all I heard was such silence.
Karma
"Oh, so you felt safe so it got old to hang out?"
It was confusing. I felt like Amy was trying to say something without saying it. I wanted to just yell at her to use her words but that's not a good way to get Amy to talk. You have to be patient. Not something I'm very good at sometimes.
"Is it Reagan, being around her? Is it confusing?"
I can't help wondering if I should have risked mixing her all up again but I had to. Right?
Amy
How could I even begin to explain? The problem with Reagan was that it wasn't confusing but it still wasn't right. I sat on the line and waited for the words to come.
"It's not confusing being around her. And it doesn't hurt, not really. I dunno. It's really hard to talk about this stuff Karma…"
I need to stop being stupid. I need to talk to her. She unloaded every single detail of her relationship with Liam, right down to what he ate and didn't eat and the sighs he made and didn't make.
I sighed just thinking about listening to Karma as she over-analyzed Liam's heavy sighs night after night.
"I wasn't 100% me when I was with her. And eventhough it felt right most of the time, because we were new and it was all new, it still wasn't right. And last night I was myself but it was just a reminder of what we weren't, or more, what we could've been if…"
I can't finish that sentence. The answer to that is too hurtful.
"Why are we talking about this again?" I wanted to hit myself.
Karma
All I could do was sigh. (Not into the phone of course that would be rude) I know she hated talking about this and I didn't intend for us to go from one hard subject to another. It just happened that way.
"We're talking about this because we don't want to talk about us."
I chuckled into the phone.
"I guess it just evolved that way. You wanna talk about something else? How about my parents and their quest to find a used Winnebago that we can all live in. Because that's super fun."
I didn't want to talk about that either but it seemed safer.
Amy
"Karma…" I laughed.
She's always good at getting me to smile. She was giving me an out. She always gave me an out. But I didn't deserve it. I deserved to be forced into a conversation about all this. I wasn't fair to anyone. And everyone in my life was just letting me be this half of a person. Karma was letting me get away with it. She was helping me to not exist fully.
"Last night was… It was like coming back to something I fucked up."
I was the only one fucking up. I kept on doing it too. Reagan was nothing but sweet to me last night.
What hurt the most? I finally saw that she treated me a bit like a kid. And I understood why.
"I didn't drink at all. I was sad all night because you'd left. Then Reagan came over and made me smile and when I got sad she took me to a different hotel and helped me to sleep because she knew I wasn't comfortable in that other creepy motel all the girls were staying in… I dunno why I'm rambling…" I wanted to talk about it. I felt my throat tighten though. I just tried not to think.
"I know part of me wished I could just lose myself in her like I used to do before. Part of me really wanted for things to be simple. Part of me wanted to just kiss her and fall back into her out of convenience. Part of me wanted to make things be simple instead of right."
I knew those words would hurt Karma's ears and her heart.
"Reagan was somewhere else though. She was ahead of me, for once. She saw right through me and knew that if we did do something it would probably have very little to do with her. She basically called me out. She knew that all I wanted was to stop myself from thinking about you."
I could stop. I could stop talking now.
Karma's silence, again, was terrifying. I felt her hanging on my words. I felt her trying not to stop me from speaking because I often stopped speaking too soon.
"The hotel room Reagan booked had two beds," I sighed. "But I asked Reagan to sleep with me. We slept together, just sleep. She held me, because I asked. And I missed you… All night… I cried. And I felt stupid. I felt really reeeally stupid. And now I feel like even more of an idiot because I know I shouldn't have said any of that to you. But this big part of me is sick of who I am. And if I don't start talking about it I'm scared of what I'll do and who I'll be and where I'll end up… I mean, look at me Karma? I'm living with strangers in a van. This isn't me. This really isn't me… I feel like… Like, I'm turning into my Dad…"
I felt my tears streaming down my face and I wasn't even sure of when I first started to cry.
I'm so sick of keeping everything inside. I think that's why I'm here with all these strangers now. I think that's why I left. But Karma never asked me to hide myself. I've been doing that all on my own and I need to fucking stop if I want us to survive.
Karma
Hearing it landed like blows. She was just telling me. It was what I asked her to do and I was suffering like I should. You have to hurt to appreciate. I kept telling myself that as she was telling me about Reagan. They would have slept TOGETHER if it wasn't for Reagan seeing through it.
I can't blame Amy for trying not to think about me, about us. We are the great frightening unknown but if we ever get it right then it will be amazing. I know it will.
"Amy, there's nothing wrong with those feelings. I'm glad that Reagan helped you when I couldn't."
I had to breathe through that last sentence. It was the hardest part, admitting that someone else could be there for Amy when I couldn't.
"You can come home anytime." I tried not to sound too hopeful. "If you feel like it isn't you. I wouldn't complain if you did."
Do not push her. You've done enough of that. DO NOT PUSH HER.
Amy
Something about the suggestion upset me.
It wasn't just a little tiny drop of anger, it was like a full-blown tsunami coming down right over my head. I clutched the phone in my hand and held it so tight that it hurt. I let it drop to my side and I tried not to scream as I moved my body and gathered myself to try and quell all that anger.
"Right," I bit, taking in a deep sigh threw gritted teeth.
All of a sudden I felt stupid for being so honest before.
How was it that I needed her to be mad but instead I got upset?
Nothing seems to go the way I want it to. No matter how much I think I can fix things they always get screwed up.
I left because she was in this constant state of denial and it was affecting our friendship and breaking us apart. I was trying too hard and she wasn't trying AT ALL. I left because I had to leave. She had done something so wrong that it could break us forever. Did she really just see my leaving as ME being selfish?! Was that really what she thought? That I left to hurt HER?!
Karma
"Amy?"
The word she spoke was full of emotion. It was anger. What had I done this time. Could I never find the right thing to say now?
"Amy! What's the matter? I'm just trying to tell you that I understand and I want you to do what you need to do but… but."
I couldn't even tell if she was listening.
"I. AM. IN. LOVE. WITH. YOU."
I was just going to do it. Run out on the limb and hope it didn't break.
"Not just I love you. I want to be with you. I don't care what happens out there. I'll want to be with you when you get home. I want to try."
Amy
I could feel my entire body soften. I could feel myself deflate. My heart fluttered.
"Sorry," I breathed, for the first time in a long time. "I just… Sometimes I feel like you think I left just to hurt you."
It was all I could say.
Karma
WHAT? Sometimes Amy really didn't see me.
"Of course not! I think you left because you were hurt and I hurt you. Maybe in the beginning I had an irrational thought about you leaving but I know it wasn't because you're selfish. You left because I'm an idiot."
It felt good to say it. Amy could not think I blamed her. In the moment I might get weird and petty but I knew her better than she knew herself. She was just trying to get away from me so she could get over me.
"Why would you think that?"
Amy
"See," I sighed, the tears still trying to take me over. I felt my voice all shaky and pathetic. "I left because you needed me to leave. You just didn't know that yet…" It was soo true that I was actually surprised I said it out loud. "And you're not an idiot… You just… Didn't want me." Which hurts more actually. I'll never understand why she'd rather just say it meant nothing to her.
My heart was racing eventhough I was just standing still. I wished I could be near her, that I could see her face and hold her hands.
Karma
My heart broke when I heard that.
"Of course I wanted you. I just didn't know how and I am an idiot because I had to lose you to realize that. I think if you look up idiot in the dictionary that's one of the definitions. I could make you a binder on all the ways in which I've screwed this up but I know you don't like it when I research."
I wished she was here or I was there. I just wanted to be looking into her eyes when we said these things. That way I could make her see everything I was saying instead of just hearing it.
Amy
"Karma…" Ugg… The way she said that first part just broke me in two. And then she kept talking. "How many times do I have to say it?! You could never lose me." I suddenly hated myself for all the truths. Some days we just didn't click right and today was one of those days. All our individual thoughts were combative and strange. Talking while far away was nearly impossible and definitely hard.
Of course she was scared… She had every right.
All that anger from before was gone. All I felt now was remorse.
Karma
"It just feels like I could. I don't want to just assume that you'll always be there. It feels wrong. I need you to know that I appreciate you."
There! Those were the words I had been trying to say all along.
"I just want more now and I want you to still want more with me. I know it's scary. I'm scared. I've never been scared like this. Everyone else… it was fun and painful at times but not really scary. It's scary to go there with you because we can't ever go back to how it was and I'm afraid you'll end up hating me and I'll lose you that way. I'm afraid to mess it up."
Oh my god. HOW…. I never realized that was why I didn't let myself feel. Oh god, I really had screwed us both over. Not in a good way.
Amy
I scoffed and heard my voice crack. "Are you kidding?" All I've been wanting, all I've ever wanted up until now, "all I've ever wanted is more of you, more of this, whatever this is. Thinking about you, wanting you, it's the only thing that's ever felt like this to me. Karma, believe me, you're not the only one who's scared."
Karma
"I know, I know."
She was right. I just needed her to know.
"I just want you to know. I'm not taking this lightly. I'm not just saying. I mean it. I want you."
At first a lump formed in my throat. Like I couldn't let that out. I still questioned myself until that thrill went through me. The knowing that I wasn't lying. I wanted to go all the way. I didn't care if we had to explain it to a million people.
Amy
"Yeah?" I couldn't hide the tender excitement that lit me up at just the touch of her words. Only hours ago she was with me and here. Only hours ago we were touching.
She was right that I didn't have to stay away but somehow it felt smart to put distance between us, even now.
Karma and I hadn't been the best at communicating the last couple of years. Words could be troubling, silences and actions were capable of saying a lot. All I had to do was leave and all of a sudden she was sure of herself and what she really wanted. It felt almost laughable but also lovely and optimistic and suddenly right and the distance was responsible. Without the distance none of this would be happening right now.
I did want her. Knowing she wanted me too was very tempting.
I thought about how stupid it was before to talk of Reagan. I wanted more of this talk about us. I wanted her to say what she said over and over and over… I wanted to drown in her words now and allow them to fill me up.
I closed my eyes and smiled.
Karma
"Yeah."
I smiled into the phone. She was starting to believe me a little. I needed to be there. I needed her to know that it was because my brain had finally caught up with my heart.
"Amy, I can't wait. I mean….. I don't know if I can wait till you come back."
What I was saying, I didn't know. I was just telling her the truth. That was something I would always do. It just took me a long time to realize what that was with her.
OUR TRUTH.
All of those images of us growing old together as best friends were slowly turning into us growing old together as lovers.
Amy
My heart hurt. It burned.
Suddenly all I wanted was to be with her, to hold her.
"I know what you mean," I sighed, suddenly thirsty. She was waking up just as I had done once. Only difference was she already knew I wanted her, it was nearly the same. She knew right away that she could have me and that I would want her.
I felt a shallowness in my throat as I tried to breathe. I was brought back to the other day holding hands and kissing her slow.
"I really wish I could be kissing you right now," it was all I could think.
I let my eyes wander shut as I remembered the feeling and felt my heart beat hard at my chest.
"Just talking to you makes me feel all sick and achy." I could finally confess the things I held inside. It felt so very right. My stomach turned as I felt the ghost of her arms holding me, her body coming in close and pressing into me from behind. I lived imagining she was with me and her voice only served to egg me on and will me to keep on imagining her touch and her taste and words soft at my ear.
I felt drunk with my memories and my need.
Karma
The way she spoke to me was new. I couldn't have ever imagined it. The tone was not one I'd heard. Amy had so many and I was fluent in their sounds. I could tell when she was hungry, sick, angry, happy but this had to be what she held back from me.
My chest felt so tight. "Me too." My voice sounded so small. "It's different now. Before when we were faking it. I felt something but I just thought it was because we were best friends and I love you. … and because you're a great kisser. The last one nearly made me explode. I wanted to."
We were talking about the things that scared us. The communication issue might still be there but we were talking, working past it.
"It's funny because I've seen you naked you know? But now the thought of it is, I don't know, it makes me all tingly."
I could haves said it better. In retrospect it sounded so small and juvenile. This was enormous. It was consuming.
Amy
"Mmmm," I felt myself humming. "Tingly…" I finished, agreeing. I knew that feeling far too well.
"For me it's more than that now. Every little thing you do affects me. It's hard to explain." I wish I could see her. I really wish this was a coffee-shop chat back in Austin on a cool yet sunny morning.
Just tapping one finger of mine to one finger of hers lit me on fire and if we were close I would try that now just to see what she would feel. I wanted to know.
Shane and Reagan both expressed to me that different people feel sexual attraction in different ways. For me it was different with Karma. It wasn't just that I wanted to touch her, though that was huge. I could feel her energy. I could feel when she was near. It was grossly intense and explaining that from far away was just hard and unnecessary. For now I could just feel it and know it was real. Nothing could change that now. Now that I knew, it was all intensely relevant.
Karma
She made me smile. I rolled over onto my bed and I just lay there hearing the sound of her loving me even from far away.
"You're kind of charming, you know."
This new way of speaking with each other made me feel more than a dozen nights of sex with Liam and I could only feel a little bad about that because Amy was on the other end of the line.
"Well, I look forward to seeing just how much I affect you as soon as possible."
Neither of us could make promises on time. She needed this trip and I needed money. If it wasn't for that I'd be with her in a second if she let me.
"It's kind of new for me but I just know that thinking about you touching me, even just holding my hand, makes me imagine stars exploding. Does that make sense?"
Amy and Karma, Karma and Amy… Karmy… We are cosmic.
Amy
"Have you been reading Nicholas Sparks books again?" I teased. It was easier to tease her than to address my own similar cravings. My chest felt tight and my heart felt like it was skipping beats and going fast and then slow. She made me want to lay down. She made me want to wrap her up and take a long nap.
The distance was too much.
I was already thinking about going back but it seemed weak to give in so quick. Even if it was wrong of me to be away in the first place this distance had obviously been a little good for us.
I could hear her laughing on the other side of the phone and saying, shut up.
"No, I mean it…" I said, getting serious. "I don't think I've ever missed you this much." Thinking about being with her again and how much she would affect me then was almost debilitating. "You might kill me just by staring." After everything, touch may not even be necessary.
Karma
Classic Amy. If she had been here I would have smacked her. BUT she wasn't so I just told her to "shut up". Tears came to my eyes. Happy and sad ones. I think I could almost tell which ones were which as they took their slow journey down my cheeks.
"Me too."
Now, I could truthfully say that. Me too
Two unsuspecting words that meant little without our past. I barely got them out without my voice being indecipherable.
"I don't know I might miss you more."
I laughed through my tear strained throat, wishing she never had to suffer because of me, wishing I wasn't the reason that she was missing me and I her.
"I swear, if you weren't a thousand miles away I'd try to seduce you right now."
Amy
I laughed too.
"Okay, first- There is no way you could be missing me more. At least you're at home with your family and familiar things around you, over here I am all alone. And second- I know for sure that all it would take is one look and I'd be lost in you. Believe me, you don't even have to try, I almost fainted when you showed up in that lobby."
The whole idea that she could possibly think I could take seducing was hilarious. I wasn't Liam. I wasn't some random dumb boy who needed things to be hyper-sexual in order for them to feel sexual. Everything about Karma turned me on.
For a long time that even felt wrong. But now… Now I understood why.
"If you ever actually tried to seduce me I'd have a heart-attack."
And that was for sure.
Karma
"Oh, I don't know. I can't even work. My boss was talking to me for a full minute yesterday and I didn't even hear him because I was thinking about you."
There had to be a better way to make money. If I knew of one I'd be doing it. Maybe I could ask my parents if there was any way that I could go meet Amy. No, that's selfish. Again. This positing I am in is just what I have to deal with.
"Okay, I need to ask you something."
I shimmied to a sitting position in my bed. This was important. I've been thinking about it all day. If she said yes it would be part of what got me through the time till she got back.
"Amy Raudenfeld, will you go out with me?"
Amy
"What do you mean?" I laughed awkwardly.
She was acting really weird. That question was weird. I couldn't even remember a time when we weren't attached at the hip. Was she joking? Was this about some promise or something? What was she scared of? What could she possibly be scared of? Up until now I've lived my whole life for her. The thought of doing anything else was almost laughable. Though I consistently tried for over a year I couldn't do it. Karma was my one true guiding light. She was the person I compared all others too. She was everything and more. Too me she was already everything, so this question was just laughable. It almost hurt.
Karma
"Well." Her response stole my certainty that this was the right thing. "I just want it to be official like we go out and it's a date. You know. Like the changing of the guard. The last time we went to the movies we were just best friends and this time we can be dumb and make out in the last row."
I shrugged even though she couldn't see me. I felt dumb now, like I was still missing the point of something.
"I just thought it would be meaningful if I asked you. I mean, we can't go until you come back but having a date to look forward to might make it less hard to be apart."
At least for me.
Amy
"Karma…" I sighed. There were definitely mixed emotions. On the one hand she wanted to claim me. On the other she wanted to claim me.
How clear could I make it that I was hers?
This was supposed to feel sweet but because of all that had happened it almost felt like a power-play and I hated that. I hated that I had to think like this, that she made me think like this.
"I dunno," I said worried. "Of course I want to go out with you," I stressed, feeling sad. "I'm obviously in love with you and only you."
What more could I say?
Yet, I felt like I was crushing her dreams. I didn't want to promise her anything else. I didn't want to promise that I wouldn't slip or sleep with Reagan or find myself wanting to be alone. Not after everything we'd been through. I couldn't trust myself to trust her. Not anymore.
We went from having this really sweet conversation to having a conversation that made me feel broken and defensive.
I tried to calm myself down.. I imagined taking her out to the movies and walking up the stairs to the back of the theater instead of going straight to the railing in the front like we usually do. I imagined it getting dark, my hand sliding under the armrest and onto her leg, my fingers squeezing at her naked thigh just below the hem of her dress. I imagined pretending I wasn't doing it as she turned and stared at me, both shocked and pleased. Then I felt the ghost of her hand at my neck and the ghost of her lips moving up to my earlobe, taking it into her mouth and teasing it as she breathed.
She'd say something coy, she'd mock me, "couldn't even wait for the movie to start?" She'd say, a smile eating her alive.
I felt a rush of need attack me.
"Fuck," I sighed, out-loud, not thinking. I wanted that date so fucking much.
My nasty word went straight into the phone. I was obviously overwhelmed by what we could now be.
Karma
I had no idea how to interpret that answer. Was it a yes or a no? I don't think it was either but I wasn't going to argue with her. I just let her be quiet and think. Then she said "fuck" into the phone like she was in the middle of having sex. At least, that's how my teenage hormones heard it.
"Amy, I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend or anything. I know we have a long way to go before we get to that. I don't care what happens between now and then. I just want you to think about giving me a chance when you come back."
That was all I could do. My hope was attached to every one of those words but I didn't want to make her feel anymore trapped than she was already. I didn't want to think about her doing anything with someone else.
That was something I wouldn't let myself consider now. She told me that all she wanted was me but I could feel that there was hesitation. I was straddling the line of giving her space and trying to make her see that I was all in.
Amy
"Okay," I sighed. But what I wanted to say was much more than that, what I wanted to say was that I was always hers and would be hers no matter what stupid things I did or what random things she decided to do. Distance didn't cloud my vision, it only heightened it.
I could see her laying on Felix's bed in his room. I could see her hanging on my word, hanging onto that phone between lifeguarding shifts. Ever since I left she'd done nothing but try to give me all of her time, no matter how far away I was, no matter how emotionally distant.
I could hear the fear in her now, even from hundreds of miles away and it scarred me.
"I'm sorry I'm being so weird today…" I knew it was wrong. No matter how supportive she was, how kind, I found a way to spin it in my mind and change her intentions, question them and second-guess. "I'm just not used to this, Karma… I'm not used to you wanting me. Even just now I couldn't stop imagining that date you want in that same theater we've been to a million times as friends. I get it. But it feels really heavy. I'm not good with heavy. You know that."
I was suddenly aware of how much we were talking. I didn't usually put in this much with her.
I felt a rush of something, I think I was just overwhelmed.
I took the phone away from my face for a second and looked out at the dirt lot behind the hotel. I was on a balcony, hanging on the rail. I felt the heat and the humidity but mostly I felt the missing presence of Karma's voice and her hands. I felt myself missing her in such an odd place.
With certainty now, I took the phone back upto my ear.
"Believe me," I nearly growled. "I want that date," I said knowingly and with emphasis. I could feel my body hoping for hers.
There was so much I wanted to say, so much about what I wanted to do and how I wanted to touch her. From hundreds of miles though? It was truly the wrong time.
I held on the line and waited for what she might say. If she needed any more convincing I would talk but if not I would simply leave it at that.
Flirting long-distance with the girl I'd been holding back from all year was risky to say the very least. This would be much more fun with her at arm's reach and I knew that better than I knew anything else. So I waited and hoped. I hoped she'd ask me for more because for once I actually wanted to tell her all the things I'd been dreaming and all the thoughts I'd been hiding because, at the time, I had wanted to be a good friend more than anything else.
Karma
My chest felt lighter. I could breathe again and it was because I could tell something had given inside of her. I hadn't pushed too far. Alienating her with too much would have been just as bad as letting her go without saying anything about how I felt.
"Okay," I said. The smile beamed out of my voice. She really was mine. No matter what. I wanted to skip the months we had left but maybe we needed them. I guess time would tell. At least the awesome tan I was going to get this summer wouldn't be wasted. I'd get at least one date.
"I'm really glad you said that because I really want to do all the stupid little things with you. It's stupid how cheesy I feel right now. I know you've been feeling longer. I'm sorry you were suffering through me talking about Liam and… now I see how I acted with the whole Reagan thing was dumb and I was dumb. I should have realized then."
I wanted to hear about it. Before we had shared everything and then she shut down on me for good reason but I still wanted all of that stuff between us that was lost.
"When did you actually realize that you liked me? If you don't want to answer or talk about it. I get it. I really do. We can talk about anything you want. I was just curious."
Amy
I let out a deep breath. She could never know how happy it made me to actually talk about this without the fear of hurting her feelings or fucking her up emotionally.
I walked back into the room and lay down on the sloppily made bed.
Once I was there I was ready to talk.
"That's a complicated question," I smiled. I'd always known I loved her. But this was about something more. "I was upset about how happy Liam made you, I remember that." I gulped. "I was upset that you were so happy about him liking this fake, dumbed-down, version of you. It was before we even kissed at that assembly and I remember thinking to myself. I remembered thinking, why are you so angry, Amy?! Why are you so upset…" I stared up at the popcorn ceiling and tried to imagine being back in my room. "When I kissed you it all came together. When I kissed you I felt something I hadn't ever felt, something I couldn't deny or shut-off or excuse. And I didn't want it to be just me… I didn't want to be alone..."
I wasn't sure it made sense but I was sure that my voice was getting more and more soft as I spoke.
I could hear my own breath and I wondered what Karma was thinking…
Mostly though I wondered what she thought about all that. When did she think I started to have feelings?
Karma
"Oh."
That was early. She had resisted faking it so much it never occurred to me that it might be because she was feeling it then. I felt small.
"How did you not tell me all that time?"
I felt like an idiot. I was basically torturing her for the better part of two months. And I had come so late to the game. How did she even stay around? She still wanted me and it was a miracle.
"I'm so sorry, Amy. I wish I had felt it when you did. I hate that you were alone. I never wanted that to happen. "
My heart hurt for her. "And you had to listen to me go on and on about Liam?! That's horrible."
I thought about what it would be like if Amy was with someone and wanted to tell me all about it in detail. My insides clenched and I nearly threw up.
"Amy…"
She was quiet.
"I had no idea."
I thought about all the times we kissed and held hands, cuddled. It seemed like each one had to be horrible for her.
"Were you dying that entire time?"
I needed to know how much damage I had caused.
Amy
"Dying?" I sighed. I wouldn't put it that way. I was definitely torn between feeling ecstasy and sadness. Sprinkle a little guilt in there and you have the ultimate recipe. "No, it wasn't like that, it was…" I tried to search for the right words. I spoke slowly.
"I was scared to tell you, curious about feeling you. I was mad about Liam, about how happy you were with him. It felt bad to be mad about that. I felt like a jerk… And I did want to tell you but I was scared and you seemed so happy, finally happy… It was hard to break out of that cycle of keeping this big secret. You'd lean in and kiss me and I'd close my eyes and feel the best feeling of my entire life. And you'd close your eyes too and smile into me and I'd wonder what it was you felt… I'd wonder how I could be feeling so many things if you weren't feeling anything. I'd wonder too much. Shane warned me not to get lost."
I felt lost the whole time.
Karma
Oh god, she was feeling all of that and I was oblivious. Sitting there feeling happy that I had this hot guy who was sweet to me and popular. I had real feelings for Liam. I did. I just… they weren't real in the same way that my feelings for Amy were.
"That's intense. When we kissed I thought it was normal to feel kind of different because we're best friends. We were always so close, even closer than other best friends. It felt normal and different than it was when I kissed Liam. That was like a storybook with the hot prince. With you it was just real and intense and I felt like we just connected even more than before."
I stopped. I didn't want her to feel any worse but she expressed a desire to know what I was thinking then and she deserved to know. I just wanted to give her a chance to tell me to stop if she didn't want to hear it.
"With Liam I was living a story and now my feelings for you are like I'm living my real life and I can feel every single part of me light up when you're so much as talking to me. Right now, hearing you talk about kissing me."
I didn't want to finish. "I wish I could show you."
Maybe I could. I wanted her to see so I would show her later when we got off the phone.
Amy
All the things she said swam inside me and I could feel them all over.
It was like all my dreams were coming true. I laid on the bed and tried not to feel my whole body as it seemed to vibrate at just the thought of her being here and showing me.
"I like when you talk to me like this," I said. I had my eyes closed and my mind reaching out for her. "You've always made me feel special, Karma. You've always made me feel important, like I'm worth something somehow. And I know that sounds strange but I mean it… I had really stopped hoping you could ever want me more than you already did. It was wrong of me to want more from you and I knew that."
I tried not to feel overwhelmed. "Even leaving, I was mad at myself once I'd done it. I thought somehow that your kiss had been this sort of test or something, like you needed me to act? I dunno…"
I sighed out and wandered what it did mean. Something between us had obviously changed. That had to of started with the kiss. There was no denying that.
"I'd see you kissing him, Liam. It hurt to watch. It hurt to see his hands on you and your eyes on him. I could only ever look at you, it hurt to initiate touch once I knew, it felt wrong like I was using you so I let you touch me but I tried not to touch you too often, somehow you didn't even notice and that hurt too. And then all that stuff with Reagan, I was pushing you out to try and stay sane, to try and forget how good you made me feel because it hurt knowing that you couldn't really ever be mine."
The room felt so empty but it was okay. I still had her on the line. I still had her wanting to listen. This was all still real and happening. It wasn't some perfect dream.
"There were so many times when I felt like a jerk. You made me feel special and I made you feel horrible and I couldn't explain it, not to you or to myself. It was too complicated so I just shut it all up inside and hoped we'd both get past it. Does that make any sense?!" I asked but then I felt stupid. I clutched at my stomach and felt it stir in sickness and unease. "I'm sorry I'm talking so much. We're too far apart for all this crap. I just wish I could hold you."
I wish she could be here and hold me.
Karma
If anyone is special it's Amy. She never saw it. If we could switch for an hour I think we would realize everything. It would be simple then but no one lets you do that.
"Amy, you ARE special. You are literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I gave up peanut butter for you!"
She giggled and sighed but it was serious. Just a small thing but it revealed a lot.
"I cannot imagine doing this with anyone else. You know people like to get hung up on gender. I hate that. I am in love with you, not your vagina."
I don't know where it came from but I was just tired of people making me or Amy feel bad for loving who we loved.
"I guess that's kind of off the subject but it's true. I know we haven't done anything but kiss yet but I know that when we do it's going to be so much more for me. And watching you with Reagan was terrible. I knew I had no right to be jealous but I was. I just didn't stop to think why. I guess everyone else could see it but me but that has to be true of the whole entire thing."
No one could have made me realize if Amy couldn't. I knew that. Yet, I wished that someone had. Then we wouldn't have been through all of this. It had to happen this way. Something told me that
"Me too." I said it softly this time. "I wish I could just blink and be there with you. I hope I am soon."
Amy
Karma was lovely, always insisting that I was important. No one else did that, not even my mom. My Mom had gotten better about it lately but still, it was different coming from someone who had no obligation to stay with me, no blood relation, no ties. Only Karma did that.
"The longer we talk the more soft I feel… You're like my kryptonite," I said, only I didn't mean it in the formal sense of kryptonite only being a debilitating poison. When I said she made me soft I meant she made me weak for her and thirsty for relief. Her words felt like touches and her voice like a soft lullaby. It didn't even matter what she said. I just wanted her to keep talking.
Though she was saying a few very lovely things…
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
She responded with a very soft, "Hmm?" In the moment I could tell she felt as soft and gooey as me.
"Will you sing me a song?" I needed more of her, wanted more.
Karma
She asked for a song. I was glad to give her one but which? I had to think fast because I didn't want to miss a moment of pleasing her.
"Hold on."
I considered getting my guitar or my ukulele but my voice was okay by itself I figured.
"Okay."
I smiled to myself I just started to sing the first song that came to mind.
"Don't you worry there my honey
We might not have any money
But we've got our love to pay the bills
Maybe I think you're cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do what bunny's do with you
If you know what I mean
Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters,
And teach them how to dance
Let's get rich and build a house on a mountain
Making everybody look like ants
From way up there
You and I, You and I..."
The song was so us. Soft and silly but so sweet and filled with so much love for one another. It made me happy to sing it and I hope that she liked it. It made me think of her and that's why it just came to me. When I finished singing I just grinned to myself and waited.
"Amy?"
She was quiet and I was afraid that she had gone to sleep.
Amy
"You make me feel so good, Karma…" I rolled onto my side as I whined these pitiful words. I ached for her so much.
Of all the songs…
I couldn't take her calling me honey. I couldn't take her being so lovely so far away.
"I thought you fell asleep," she laughed awkwardly.
"Never," I reassured, hoping she could understand why. When she sang to me I felt even more special. Her voice filled me up inside and made me float like a weightless balloon.
Even when she was just practicing in her room while I did homework, she'd think I wasn't listening but I was. I'd stop my writing and she'd ask me if the questions were hard and I'd lie and say yes. Then she'd help me with some super easy math problem or some horribly mundane critical thinking quiz and she'd go back to playing completely unaware.
My God, I was in love with her. Even before I knew. I was just so in love.
And now we could really be. This could really be.
One conversation had me finally feeling like we were okay again and there for each other. One conversation reminded me of why I needed to leave and the only reason was so I could go back home and have it actually feel like home.
"I want to come home," I said, knowing now that I was sure.
Karma
She wanted to come back… She wanted to come back… to me. I wanted to fall over and scream from happiness but I didn't dare. This had to be her decision.
"Are you sure?"
I didn't want to make it seem like I didn't want her to come back either. God, that possibility made me panic.
"I really, really want you to. I just don't want you to come back before you're ready."
I held my breath and waited for her to tell me. Was I presuming too much by thinking that I could have that much sway over her decision. Just a song and a conversation and she said she wanted to come back. That could just be love. If she loved me that much then I was in so deep. The best kind of deep.
Amy
"I can't take being this far away and feeling like this," I said. "I can't take thinking that this isn't real. I need to know that it's real. I need to feel you."
I suddenly understood why Karma was trying to rush into sleeping with me before she left. She didn't want me to feel like this. She wanted me to be sure, to know.
Still, I knew I wasn't ready for that with her but I needed to touch her again and watch her while she spoke. I needed to see that this was real. One day in the French Quarter was nowhere near enough time for me to feel safe.
One day in the French Quarter felt like some sort of fever-dream. She came and spun my world upside down, made me feel things I had tried not to feel, she gave me this safe feeling for just a moment before she was gone.
"I feel like I've been trapped in this room away from you but I've been trapped for way longer than you think. It's like all this time I've been talking through a door and only seeing you through the small screen of a window. Like we've had visitation hours but the whole time I've had to keep secrets and pretend to be strong." Again, I wanted to cry. This feeling for me probably started way back before our first kiss. And then it amplified around the time I began to date Reagan. Karma had gone from being the most important person in my life to being this person I needed to be away from and I hated that, I hated it so much.
Now we could be. Now I didn't have to hold back or pretend or lie.
I got up from the bed and paced the floor with the phone still to my ear. I don't think she can even understand what I'm feeling. This whole time she's been so unaware and a lot of that has been because I lied and kept secrets and pretended everything was fine.
"I don't feel good," I said, digesting the truth of it. I'd been pushing her away for so long now. And her life was such a mess given everything.
I needed to get to her. I needed to get to her right away.
"I think I better go," I said. There was no time to explain.
Karma
She spoke so fast that I struggled to follow but my heart was keeping the time perfectly. Every word she uttered made it beat faster and hope more. I could see her soon. I might not have to wait.
"Amy?"
She was gone. She had hung up on me. I took the phone away from my face and stared at it. This was new. I rushed to call her back but it went straight to voicemail.
"Damn," I muttered
I texted her.
What's going on? Are you okay?
I got up, shuffling around and tapping the screen of my phone. With a deep sigh, I sat back down and started to type out another message. She was being cryptic and I hated that but I had a wonderful feeling that it was a good kind of cryptic.
I half expected her to rush through the door. It was impossible but I thought it. I wished for it. I had to go to work early tomorrow and I just hoped that she texted me back before I went to sleep. Who was I kidding? I wouldn't sleep unless I knew what was going on. I probably shouldn't be falling asleep while lifeguarding. That wasn't very guard like and probably not approved by the Red Cross.