Thank you for all the reviews and messages. This wasn't supposed to be a chapter by itself, but I have stalled too long in writing it.
School has started, so thus my time is limited. No excuses this time for they have little meaning. By now, you should know that I will always be late in updating.
Dear Yoji – holy shit I didn't make the name connection until you mentioned it. I'm very sorry, and will be sure to run around screaming my head off while pulling out my hair as punishment. Rest assured, it is not a subtle reference to my feelings for you. I randomly chose the name off some list I googled. You told me not to stall, yet I did anyway. Apologies!
--
Mai was in surgery. My body was pacing in the waiting room, but my mind was on her, only her. The hospital was dark. The walls were closing in on me. Everything was out of place. The entire room smelled like disinfectant.
"Oh God, please let her live." I begged.
She had to live. If she didn't, I would go out and kill those paramedics who took too long, and the emergency service operator who couldn't do his job fast enough. Still, they were inconsequential. The only person I wanted to take punish was myself. Sure, there was always that Uoya bastard, but he was dead now, by my hand no less.
The knowledge of revenge was meaningless. At the time, I took his life to protect the both of us, but I failed in my task. Mai saved my life by putting herself at risk. If she died, then I'd die. I could never live with the fact that her soul replaced mine in the darkness of the afterlife. What was I supposed to do then?
Other people were there waiting for Mai's surgery to end. Only Takumi grasped my attention for a few moments as he broke down in tears after the nurses explained what happened. Anyone who tried to talk to me was quickly brushed off or yelled at. I even punched Tate. He looked like the only one who could take a hit without repercussions.
What was taking so long? Why couldn't the doctors finish. The longer it took, the lower her chances seemed to be.
It was my fault. My past and my present life put her in danger. If only I had just jumped off a bridge after Mama died. Then Mai wouldn't have been shot, and I'd be with Mama. It was too late now to do anything.
Four hours passed, the doctor came out of surgery. His shoulders were slumped, revealing how tired he was. The bastard better not have fucked up. His shirt was covered in smears of blood, probably Mai's. Slowly, he took off part of his mask to reveal a grim smile. Was it good that he was smiling, or was it bad because he looked like he accepted a sad fate?
"She's going to be fine. The bullet didn't hit any major organs." If it didn't, why the hell did they take so long? "We have her stabilized. Family can look in on her, but that's the best we can offer. Everyone else will simply have to wait until she's awake."
Damn, I wish I were family right now. Takumi went into her room while the rest of us waited outside in anticipation. Even if he was a doctor, we couldn't simply take him at his word. He was a stranger who didn't care about Mai like we did, not as much as I did.
She didn't wake up until the morning. It was good that she got rest, because I certainly didn't. Takumi told us she looked fine. Everyone went in to see her and wish her well. We were warned that she was still recovering and needed a lot of rest.
The door opened, but I couldn't bring myself to walk in. Panic rose in my chest, but I managed to suppress my feelings. At the very least, I had to see if she was truly okay.
Mai was happily chatting with everyone, though her voice sounded a little strained. Of course she didn't share how tired she was, or how much pain she was in. Sure, there were painkillers, but she couldn't take too much. Everyone greeted her positively, and wished her well. Mai was always the type to get along with everyone. We were different like that.
I shrunk to the back of the small crowd of visitors. How could I talk to her after confessing suddenly? She probably felt disgusted with me right now. It was one thing to have a lesbian friend, but another to be the object of her crush.
The nurses ushered us out of the room. They knew she was being overwhelmed, so sent us home. I was relieved. I didn't have to confront her about my feelings or hers. It hurt to know that she would probably reject me. Even more, I was afraid that she would despise me for my feelings. Was there any way for us to return to the way things were before I loved her?
I know I promised to do everything right, but it was only said to convince her to hold on longer. My words were as empty as the air. I was doing the right thing. Staying away was painful, but it'll hurt less this way. Even if Mai got angry, she could forget easier.
A couple of detectives talked to me a couple of days after. They wanted to know why I was involved in a previous shooting, why I was there, and why I carried around a knife. Wasn't it obvious to them? It didn't matter.
I lied. "Both men wanted to take advantage of me. I got lost in the area. Knives are great for cutting up cardboard."
They didn't seem to care if it was true. As long as they had something to write into the report, it didn't matter. One of the detectives mentioned that Uoya had a record. He wondered if I knew, or more accurately, had personal experience.
I shook my head. "I've never seen him before."
The officer let it go. "The world is better without men like him." He murmured before walking away.
Officially the case was closed. There was no guarantee that I would not be the subject of any future attacks. With my past, the likeliness was high.
A week after the incident, I snuck into the hospital in the middle of the night. School prevented visits during the daytime, and everyone else was there afterwards. Had it not been for Natsuki, I would have preferred to avoid seeing Mai altogether. There was nothing to say to her.
Mai was asleep. I could see her without being noticed, or forced to face her. She lay there peacefully, lightly breathing on the bed. I was so tempted to lightly brush over her hair. Perhaps just to feel a bit of her body. Looking at it, I knew it would be soft. The individual orange strands shimmered underneath the incandescent bulbs that worked as nightlights in the room.
My hand reached out to her face.
"Nao." She spoke. Her eyes fluttered open to reveal glittering lavender orbs.
I snapped my hand back. "You're awake." My voice was harsher than I intended.
"It's nice of you to finally drop by." She was scolding me. I knew she would be angry at my absence, so hoped that she would not awaken at this time of night.
"I'm sorry for disturbing your sleep." I muttered before moving to leave.
Before I could even take a step, she shouted to me, "What you said was true wasn't it?"
I put on my best sly smile, and turned towards her. "Would you like it to be?" My right index finger touched my lips. Then I casually shrugged. "I just said it to keep you alive, that's all."
"Nao." Her tone commanded me with an authority that I never knew she had. Our eyes met. Without words, they begged me to tell them.
I ignored her silent plea. "That is all there is to it." My hands went into my pockets, and focused my attention at the ground. The small movement successfully masked the upper part of my face behind some hair.
"Nao." Her voice grew firm. "Don't lie."
Still, I was stubborn. "I'm not lying." I said more for myself than for her.
"Then look at me." Damn Mai, why was she so persistent?
I bit my lip. Could I face those indigo eyes and lie? "I'm not lying." My voice was shaking. Wet tears were building up in my eyes.
"You are," she calmly said.
"So what if I am!" Our eyes met again. "Are you happy now? Aren't you glad to know that I'm a disgusting lesbian in love with you," I screamed, "that I can't stop thinking about you, or that every part of me wants you?" My hands slammed on the side of the bed.
I glared at her in anger and sadness, and steeled myself for rejection. I knew Mai didn't like girls. An image of her disgusted face flashed across my mind. It broke my heart. I could live with anything but that. Mustering what was left of my courage, I looked straight at her, expecting accusing eyes of hatred and revulsion. What I saw was guilt.
Her hand took mine. "Thank you."
My heart sank. Knowing that I'd be rejected, and actually being rejected were very different things. The reality felt worse than anything I could imagine. I bit my lip and closed my eyes to suppress the building tears.
It was worse, because she was trying to be nice. If she yelled at me for being stupid, or tried to convince me that my feelings were not what I thought they were, I could direct my pain and anger at her. Yet here she was, squeezing my hand tightly in understanding, as if trying to say, "I'm sorry, but I can't accept your feelings."
"Nao, I-"
The nurse walked in at that moment. "Who are you? How did you get in here?" Her aging face wrinkled around the brows and eyes. She glared at me with an exceptionally annoyed expression. It appeared as if she was prepared to tear out my throat for entering without permission.
I stuttered to respond. She quickly tried to usher me out of the room. I was more than willing to comply. At least this saved me from hearing the rest.
"Wait Nao," she shouted. Without thinking, she leaned towards me to grab my sleeve before I could leave.
I looked at her, then at her hand. "Mai, there really isn't anything else to say."
The nurse was annoyed with us, but remained calm and understanding. "You may see her during normal visitor hours." A kind smile was displayed for purple eyes.
In some ways, I didn't want her to let go. For now, I was as close as I would ever be for the rest of my life. Soon, I knew I had to distance myself more. There was no choice. If I truly wanted to get over Mai, I had to be separated from her. First step would involve moving out of the room. I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing with Mikoto. They had been roommates before.
"This can't wait." Didn't she understand? It was torture being here, sweet agony, but painful nonetheless. The presence of the nurse faded from my mind.
"Let go." I tugged my arm away from her, but not enough to completely take it back. My neutral composure was quickly deteriorating. The longer I stayed, the more likely that I would simply break down in front of her.
"No," she insisted.
"Mai-"
She forcefully pulled me towards the bed. Her lips were soft, and tasted like pudding. Her left hand held tightly on my collar, and her right was still holding my shirtsleeve. Mai was kissing me. My head was on cloud nine. I could not believe my senses. This had to be a dream.
It should have lasted forever, and I wanted more than anything to deepen the kiss. However, Mai broke off first and whispered, "I don't know how I feel about you, but I'm willing to find out."
Now the nurse was really pissed. She grabbed me by the scruff of my collar and dragged me off. "I was really patient with you two, but that's it. How dare you desecrate this hospital? Sneaking around and kissing in the recovery ward?" We rounded a corner. "Absolutely unacceptable," she commented, "girls should know better."
All that mattered was that Mai kissed me. She told me she was unsure of her feelings, but gave me a chance. As soon as I was out the door, I began shouting for joy at the entrance to the hospital. It didn't matter of all the doctors thought I was insane, or that the paramedics passing by were eyeing me like I was taking drugs. Mai kissed me!
The next day I had school. It was long, boring and unbelievably tedious. Were all these things necessary for the future? Did I really need to know all these equations, or historical facts? What good would they do for me in terms of finding a job? As I knew it now, my future did not lie in attending college. It was far too expensive, and I certainly did not work hard enough to get into an affordable one.
I began doodling on my desk with a pencil. At first, the lead would smear off the smooth, reflective surface. In an hour, the thin layer of the false wood finish was gone, and I was scratching at a spongy, mostly wood surface.
"Mai," I wrote. "Mai," I scratched again. Over and over, I scratched her name in the same place. It would have been embarrassing, if I cared what anyone else thought. No one in my class came near me. They were afraid. I wasn't exactly nice. I wasn't afraid to use others, and I had killed two men. If the first two weren't indicators, the last one really created a gigantic vacuum around me.
The teacher heard my pencil, and threw and eraser at my head. "Pay attention." Thankfully, he did not know I was defacing school property, yet.
As soon as school was out, I bought flowers and headed towards the hospital. This was the proper way to wish someone well, at least that's what television told me. I'm sure there were other methods, like cards, but flowers were nice. Most women liked flowers, and I hoped Mai enjoyed the violet ones I bought her, even though I didn't have a clue what they were called. All I knew was that they matched her eyes. I wanted to see her face light up.
Asahara was there. They were talking. I overheard them through a thin sheet that separated the patients from each other. "I'm sorry for my behavior Tokiha-san."
Mai kindly disagreed. "You're a good person Asahara-san. Whatever Nao did was probably over the top."
I could hear Asahara twiddle her fingers shyly. "I've been thinking this whole month. Nao-sempai was right; I didn't know anything about her, and I'm sorry I blamed you."
"It's all right." She was too nice to that girl.
"I can see you really care about her." Her shadow shifted uncomfortably through the sheet. "And I promise not to get in your way anymore," she said.
Well, that solved that problem. I was tempted to apologize to the girl for my behavior, but did not. In the end, it did her some good, so there was no reason to feel bad.
"What did Nao do?" Son of a bitch, please don't go down that road Mai. It was time that I stepped in.
"Asahara," I called in a low threatening voice, and acknowledged her presence with a slight tilt of my head. The flowers went to Mai. Seeing her face light up was more than beautiful.
Her smile made me smile. "Thank you Nao," she said.
The third girl tried to slink away, and I would have let her, but Mai apparently did not think the same. "Asahara-san, please stay for a moment."
I frowned at the request. There was no reason for an interloper.
"Tokiha-san, it'd be better that I leave." The girl shrunk back from my glare.
"Wait," ordered Mai. She turned to me and said, "Nao, apologize for whatever you did."
I bit my lip. There was no reason to apologize. The girl learned a good lesson; everything worked out in the end. Yet, I acquiesced to the demand. Everything was going to be right this time. "Fine," I continued, "I'm sorry for doing those things to you. It was very wrong of me." My hand held the back of my neck to relieve the awkwardness in the room.
"No, it was my fault. I pushed you too far." said Asahara. She let her hands drop to her sides before bowing towards me. "Please can we at least be friends."
Her tenacity surprised me. I had nearly violated her, and she wished to be friends. Desperation was a frightening thing. I took one look at Mai to confirm what I thought she wanted me to do. Her threatening smile told me all I needed to know. "Umm, yeah, sure, whatever," I said.
The girl left with a large grin on her face.
Finally, I could focus my full attention on Mai. Then her brother showed up. Damn.
"Nee-chan," he greeted enthusiastically. "Where did you get those flowers?"
"Nao gave them to me, aren't they nice." She held them up for everyone to see.
"Akira," I greeted. The ninja nodded to acknowledge me in turn. We stared at each other.
"Alright Onee-chan, the nurses will bring around a wheelchair."
Wait, what the hell was going on? I looked at Mai questioningly.
She noticed my confusion. "I get discharged today."
"Oh," was all I mustered. I couldn't exactly say that I was looking forward to visiting her more often, or helping her adjust her pillow. I couldn't say that as much as I hated hospitals, her presence alone made it tolerable. "Are you coming back to the dorm?"
She chuckled and shook her head. "I'm staying with Yukariko-san for a little while."
I frowned. "Why aren't you coming back with me?"
"Don't be silly Nao. You're still a student; you don't have time to take care of a sick person." She stated.
A bubble of anger rose in my chest. Did this mean she still thought I was a kid? After last night, was she just fucking around with me? Perfect, I bared my soul to her, and she still thought of me as some bratty dipshit with a crush.
I tightened my fists. "If that's what you want."
She noticed my sudden change. "Nao," she said in soft voice, and would have said more if it weren't for Takumi and Akira hanging around. The pair looked at us in a strange way, but quickly recovered their demeanors. I, however, was seething with anger and did not want to hear another word.
"Onee-chan will only be there for a little bit. Don't worry." He happily patted my back to reassure me. Akira narrowed her eyes and drew her mouth into a line.
Withdrawing, I slowly backed away from the three as soon as Mai was too preoccupied by her fussing brother to notice my absence. In no time, I was out of the building, and on my way home to sulk. Damn Mai didn't think I could take care of her. Who the fuck cared about school? If she needed me, I would come running no matter what. I wasn't some bratty kid looking to take care of some sick puppy. If she didn't think I could handle it, why'd she agree to go out with me at all? Was I just some fling? Did she just want to experiment?
God damn it! I kicked over a newspaper stand. Mai better not have been screwing with me! If she was, I would…
What would I do? Would I hurt her? Would I hurt myself? My eyes closed. A deep breath let in cold air into my lungs, and calmed my heart.
I would never trust another person again.
But she isn't like that. Tokiha Mai was a kind person, who would sacrifice everything for the people she loved. She wasn't the type to lead me on. Whatever she said last night, she meant it. I was being paranoid, and moronic. It wasn't as if she knew I wanted to take care of her before last night, and she probably arranged it with Sister long before she could confirm my feelings.
Fuck, I should probably apologize later.
I was acting irrationally. It's been less than twenty-four hours. What was it about her that drove me crazy? How could she affect me so much?
I loved her.
I really loved her.
I needed her to feel the same. Somehow, I had to make Mai fall in love with me.
Vibrating in my pocket brought me out of my thoughts. The cell phone rang with an annoyingly cute melody I used to use on old perverted men. There was little point in changing it now.
It was Mai. The tone played for a couple more seconds. Nervously, I answered, "Mai?"
"Nao, where did you go? I was worried when you disappeared." Her voice was a little shaky, and higher pitched than usual. She was in pain. My chest hurt from empathy.
"I needed to take care of something at home. Are you at Sister's yet? Are you alright?" Was the former nun taking good care of her? Were her brats bothering Mai?
"I'm fine. Yukariko-san is doing good job. I feel bad for imposing on her like this." Awkward silence followed. "Nao-"
"I'm sorry for leaving you there." I interrupted. "How about I make it up with a date this Saturday?"
She laughed. "I'm still recovering. We can't go anywhere."
"I just want to spend a little time together." I replied. "We can talk and watch television. I'll show you the best indoor date you've ever had." Even if she didn't love me, I would convince her. This was my second chance, and I wasn't going to throw it away.
"That would be nice. I look forward to it." She clicked her tongue, and mumbled something I couldn't hear. "I'm sorry Nao, I have to go. Come here Saturday; I'm sure we'll have fun." Her voice was positive. I regretted letting her hang up, but felt excited about the possibility of my first date with Mai.
I had never thought about dating seriously before. All those men before were nothing more than playthings and targets. They gave me things and wanted favors in return. I let them touch me a little bit, and then mugged them as soon as we were alone. Now I was going on a date with Mai. My usual plan couldn't work. I had to think of something fun to do.
A DVD sounded great. What kind of movies did Mai like? Shit, I probably should have asked her. Would she think less of me if I didn't know her likes and dislikes? What did I know about Mai? I sat down on a nearby swing in the middle of the park I was passing through.
She's nice, has a mothering complex and loves to cook. She's had many part time jobs and wielded Kagutsuchi. She also…works at a café.
I really didn't know anything about her. How could I say I love her? My words were bullshit. I didn't even know her favorite color. I'm the worst person on Earth. It was frustrating to realize that she was a mystery to me regardless of how long we've lived together. Since she moved in, I had done nothing but ignore her or avoid her.
This was my chance to redeem myself. If I truly cared anything for Mai, then I would learn more about her. I would never hurt her, not the way Tate did. We would not end up the like her previous relationship. Still, a little bubble of doubt hovered in the back of my mind.
She didn't love me, not yet. Actually, she may never fall in love with me. Then, was all this real? Did Mai really mean what she said, or were her words rays of false hope? Mai always tried to please everyone, so she probably said those things to please me, even at the price of her own displeasure. I felt horrible for using that part of her like this, and though I was convincing myself that she would eventually fall in love, there was also the possibility that I was just forcing myself on her.
I would never hurt you Mai, so please don't lead me on.
--
The weather was pleasant that Saturday afternoon. I showed up to the door with a single rose and a backpack full of random DVDs I borrowed from various sources. Mai was lying in a futon in her own special room on the first floor of the home. I had to hand it to Sister; she knew how to treat a guest, and I was extremely grateful that Mai ended up recovering here. I couldn't have done a better job.
"Hey," she greeted warmly.
"Umm, hey," I replied. It hurt to see her stuck in the futon. She was there because of me. She saved my life. Without thinking, I offered the flower to her.
She laughed. "Thank you," she said sweetly and carefully smelled the petals. "Beautiful."
I looked around. There was a television in the room, but I wasn't quite ready to begin our night. "Mai, would it be okay if I wheeled you outside a bit?"
She tilted her head in thought. "The outside air would be good for me, but I'm afraid the doctor told me to avoid too much movement in case my stitches tear."
"Can't we use the wheelchair?" It was my chance to show my sweet side, or the thing closest to it. I, Yuuki Nao, was not a robotic pervert hunter. I could be romantic too.
She seemed unsure, and maybe a little unwilling to venture outside. Was it because she had to be in a wheelchair, or was it because of me? Maybe she was too embarrassed to go outside with me. Well, there was no reason to be embarrassed; we'd look like two normal girls walking around outside in the park. Damn, did she think I was going to do something? Regardless, we eventually were on our way out.
She looked embarrassed. Her face was slightly pink, and a nervous smile graced her features. It was frustrating me, because I did not know why.
"I feel terrible to make you do this." Was that the reason for her unwillingness, her sense of Japanese courtesy? Didn't she know that those things didn't matter to me?
"Why? I'm the one who asked you." We strolled across the street. The trees were green this time of year, and a few had flowers on them. It wasn't as beautiful as a Sakura festival, but nice nonetheless. I hoped that Mai would like the view at least.
"But you have to push me around in a wheelchair. Isn't it embarrassing?" She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
I stopped, and moved in front of her. Kneeling down, I asked, "Are you embarrassed to be with me?" Did she find my presence humiliating?
"Never!" she shouted, and then suddenly moved in her seat to grab my arm. A cry of pain escaped her lips.
Concerned, I tried to steady her, and check if her wound reopened. "Are you alright?"
"It's you I'm worried about." Her calm voice admitted.
I laughed heartily and held her hand up to my face. "I don't give a shit about what these people think." My hand pointed in the general direction of the park center. "I only care about you."
She blushed at my statement. It made me feel a little nervous, but it was incredibly cute. I'd like to see that shade of pink on her face a little more often.
"Thank you," she said.
I seductively licked her fingers before getting up and continuing our little journey. Mai's face was completely red.
We got back to the house a little after four, and prepared for a night filled with movies and snacks. Well, it was a movie and liquid snacks, per doctor's orders.
"What are we watching first?" Mai was nicely situated on a comfy futon now. There were plenty of pillows to support her back. I wouldn't have minded if she preferred to lean on me either.
"Three Days till Forever," I replied. The DVD came out of its packet and went straight into the player. As soon as sound and picture came through, I moved next to Mai. She smelled slightly of soap and mothballs.
My hand tentatively reached out to hers. She chastised me for licking her earlier, so I was a little wary of going too far. Maybe she'd let me hold it at least. It twitched, and I withdrew. Mai noticed my sudden movement and looked at me in confusion. My heart was beating faster. I still wanted to feel her hand in mine.
The feature film finally started playing. The loud introduction was drawing her attention away from me. I sighed; was this as far as I was going to get?
Out of nowhere, she suddenly clasped my twitching hand, and held it close to her lap. "Nao, let's enjoy it."
I squeezed her hand and nodded.
--
Challenge for my readers: Leave a joke in the reviews. It doesn't have to be a joke; it can be a flame, a rant, sexual innuendo, or most interesting of all, a picture of a naked person made entirely out of keyboard symbols.