The Karmy Diaries

by walkthatlonesomevalley

Karma and Amy try to deal with being apart for the first time in their lives.

33. Chapter 33

*last chapter before significant time jump*

*warning, m content*

*blackindiaink is writing for karma and i am writing for amy*

The Karmy Diaries: Ch 33

Karma

I backed away and watched her follow me like a victim in the thrall of a vampire. So, she didn't want to tell her mom yet, I could get that. There were a lot of things that I avoided telling my parents and the history of her mom accepting things like this was rocky.

Maybe I didn't want to really deal with Farrah right now either. Not when I couldn't seem to stop kissing Amy and wondering why I hadn't been doing it for the last two years.

"So, what do you want to do?"

My eyebrows rose like I didn't know what she was thinking right now. I could see her undressing me with every flick of her eyes. There were times when she kept it veiled but I could tell. She wanted me as much as I wanted her.

"We could watch a movie."

I spun slowly, walking around the bed, touching the duvet and running my fingers along the soft cotton. "Or we could netflix something." I pushed down on the bed, testing it like I hadn't slept in it a thousand nights before.

When I turned, finally ready to see her eyes, I wasn't disappointed. "Or did you have something else in mind?" My stomach flipped but I kept my hands still. They would tremble if I let them. Thoughts of her hands all over me made it hard not to reveal my hand. Which one of us would break first. I always thought it would be her but I was more driven by impulse.

We were both stubborn. She more than I in most moments. Yet, I could sense a willingness to play the game. She had waited for so long and I wanted to give her what she wanted but wasn't this part of it?

Amy

She was playing games with me, definitely playing games. I'd seen this side of her so many times, yet, it was somehow never like this. This was different, painfully different. She knew I ached for her and she knew it well.

For the most part it was hard for me not to react. Karma was so fucking good at reading me. It killed me sometimes.

Right now, I could tell she knew I wanted her. I'd tried to keep it underwraps but she was playing with me too much, pushing buttons that so desperately yearned to be pushed by her and only her.

"Seems to me, you're the one with something else in mind," I teased. I walked in front of her and got down on both of my knees. "Is this what you want?" I asked. I knew it'd drive her mad if I touched her in places she wasn't thinking about. I let my hands slide behind her ankles and slowly raise up over her calves and under her knees as I sat up and slowly pulled myself into her. I felt her body come close, her composure slipping without question, she was so easy to tease.

I bit my lip and waited for an answer, watching her all the while and wondering what it was she really wanted and what it was she'd really really like.

Karma

So, she was playing. Her fingers made me start, muscles jerking when her fingers first touched me. My tongue slipped out to sweep across my lips and I pulled it back inside my mouth. I wanted to bite it, to hold out against what she was doing to me.

I'd never realized how it would be. So unlike anything I could have dreamed up. She kept looking at me as she touched the skin of my calf. It shouldn't be sexy to touch someone there but it was when Amy did it.

"You're the one touching me," I pointed out

With her mother and Lauren downstairs it would be weird to do anything but I didn't want to give in anyway. "Hey," I sighed as Amy's fingertips brushed my thigh. "That's so not fair."

I knew that soon I would beg her to get closer so we had to stop. "Maybe we should… ya know… stop for awhile." A giggle escaped me and I hated how it sounded. I wanted to be sexy and confident not lame.

"Just come up here and lay with me and we'll find something to watch." I couldn't promise that I would totally keep my hands to myself but she didn't know that. At least she didn't know it for sure.

Amy

"Ooookaaaay," I sighed. I let my hands drop away as I pushed myself up and away from her. "Your call."

Sometimes games were fun. Sometimes not so much.

I walked around to my dresser and dug around for something a little more comfy to wear.

She asked me what I was doing and I waited a second to answer her. I knew it would drive her up the wall if I pretended to be a little mad.

"I just… Feel like changing," I said, a tilt of annoyance in my tone.

I pulled my hands down and kept myself quiet. I threw my shirt off and pulled a large over-sized flannel out that my dad had left last time he was around. With my back turned I ditched my bra and pulled the flannel on, buttoning it just a little in the center

It was hard not to smile to myself. I knew being cold would get to her. Still, I felt my hands shaking. It was still all too new, knowing I could touch her, knowing that she wanted me to.

There were two routes I could take now.

I could go on with the night and pretend I didn't want to just be touching her.

Or I can be extra quiet, move a whole lot less, sigh a lot more, let myself feel frustrated, and act a bit put out by it all.

Normal I would go the first route and let Karma lead. Things with us were different though now. Before I tried never to take route number two. Before I hated to take anything out on her. Right now though? Something told me Karma would like it if I did…

I ran my hand through my hair and readied myself for whatever was to come.

Karma

Now, I knew how Amy felt when I would strip down in front of her. I swallowed the lump in my throat wondering if she knew what she was doing. She wasn't used to me looking, I supposed, but I was. If she turned around she would see and I wouldn't deny it.

I wanted her to catch me. It would make her less frustrated. I could tell that she was by the tone and the way she turned away. Still, I didn't want to directly address it. Maybe I would just give her a little something extra while cuddling.

I patted the spot on the bed next to me and smiled up at her, hoping that it would help put her in a better mood. My goal was never for her to feel bad. It just seemed to be something that I was unintentionally good at.

The remote sat on her nightstand and I grabbed it while she sat down, settling close to me but not quite touching. I turned on the TV and switched through channels. "So, netflix or something dumb on TV?"

I switched the channel to HGTV where someone was remodeling something, knowing it would soothe Amy's mood. "Oh look, they're tearing out a wall… your favorite!"

Amy

Two seconds ago she had been looking at me like she wanted to devour me. Right now though she was right back to treating me like I was nothing more than a friend.

I settled down next to her and made she to put some space between us and keep my hands to myself. What I did do though was cough a bit and clear my throat near her ear. I let myself breathe heavier than normal and then sigh. All I had to do was remember what it had felt like before to be touching her and then wonder why the hell we would be doing this now instead of that.

"It's good," I said, knowing it'd bother her if I had no reaction at all. I pulled my phone off the nightstand and began to play with it. I wasn't really interested in watching tv at all. I was actually sort of curious to see how Reagan was. But I wouldn't tell Karma that. She'd freak.

Now was a good time to look real quick though. I pulled up facebook and scrolled.

Karma

Out of the corner of my eye I watched her pick up her phone and start to look at Facebook. A spark of anger ignited in me. She was acting like a child, which was usually my thing. I wasn't quite sure where it was coming from either. I laid back so I could see what she was looking at exactly and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. A photo of Reagan flashed onscreen and I felt the air go out of my lungs.

No way was she here with me and looking at that picture. I reached out and took her phone, lunging across her to put it back on the nightstand. "So, maybe TV isn't the best idea." When I brought my hand back across from setting her phone down I let it graze along her side.

I was almost fully on top of her and I let the weight of my hips press down into her. Maybe a concrete reminder of why she had come back would help. I heard the shrill buzz of a saw in the background as I leaned in to place a light kiss on her lips.

Amy

Karma has gotten angry just now. She'd gotten jealous and for once that was okay because for once we were actually a fucking couple.

For whatever reason, hope sprang up in my chest as she tackled me and stole my phone away. I felt her body taking over mine and trapping me.

She leaned in, her eyes challenging me but drinking me in. My eyes closed as her eyes moved to look at my lips and then kiss them. I felt her dipping down into me as her hand pushed at my side, her thumb pressing into my stomach and combining with the kiss to drive me insane.

She leaned back. She was pulling away.

"Oh, no you don't," I said, using a hand to pull her lips back down onto mine. When I had her this time I used my teeth to tug at her bottom lip as I pulled to keep her down with me. My whole body flooded with sensation. I felt her needing her hands to brace herself and give me what I wanted.

For once, her jealousy more than turned me on.

Karma

I forgot about whose picture she had been looking at the second she nipped at my lip with her teeth. It was so much more than hot. There was no defence for a feeling that hit you with such force and out of nowhere.

My mind was reduced to the sum total of what I could touch and feel. Those teenage hormones I always heard about in action. The fact that she pulled me back… her forcefulness was new. It was perfect.

No one had ever been that way with me. Not that I had a lot to compare to but in my limited experience Amy lit me up like the sky on the 4th of July. Our history was always leading to this.

It was obvious after everything that was happening. I pressed her back into the soft mattress and moved a hand under her shirt. I had seen her breasts before but I'd never wanted to touch them quite like this.

I can remember being curious about the differences between us but now I just wanted to touch them, taste them. I wasn't prepared for it, such a change from my denial of the past. Had she wanted to do this with me from the moment we first kissed?

I kept hoping she would take the lead but it was usually my job in our relationship. This time I needed her to be the one taking me but how do you tell a girl that when you're practically mauling her boob with your hand and her tongue is in your mouth?

Amy

I could never get used to this. It was too good.

Not sure why or how but after I pulled Karma down her hand someone found it's way beneath my shirt.

She kissed me hard as her hand crawled it's way up to my breast and squeezed. I nearly died in the kiss. How could I act normal? This was never us? My whole body shuddered. I felt like an old car trying to start or something. Only difference is I'm human and humans have reactions that a machine just can't have. Sure a machine can shudder and leak but I felt every move intimately in a way that was nowhere near routine. Every move of hers sent a tremor down my spine.

"You okay?" She asked.

"Uh-" I couldn't talk. I placed my hand ontop of hers and squeezed, my breath escaping me again. I wanted her to know how good it felt, what she'd just done felt unbelievably good. I wanted her inside me so badly.

With the sound of that stupid chainsaw again I'd had it. I rolled over and flipped her around until I was ontop of her. Something in me was done waiting, done playing games. No matter what we did we were always getting interrupted and stopped.

I kissed her like time was running away from us like maybe I would never ever get to kiss her enough. My leg pressed down between hers and as I kissed her I let my body drag up until I heard her gasp in my mouth.

Karma

She was on top of me stretching her body against the length of mine. Friction rid me of any further thought and hand my hand that was on her breast slipped down, pushing at the waistband of her pants. I wanted inside but it was hard since we were so close.

I fumbled a little, finally slipping past. My fingers skimmed the top of her center and she jerked a little. It was too much. I flipped her back over and slipped down, drawing her pants off in quick jerks. Her legs moved, trying to help me but our movements were at odds.

I threw the pants once they were free of her legs. The sound of them hitting the wall and sliding to the floor was utterly satisfying. Not as good as the sound Amy made when I leaned over her in the next second, breathing hot air over her inner thighs.

Maybe it was crazy but I just wanted to dive into her. I was working on instinct and nothing more when I grabbed her legs, pulling her closer and put my tongue to her slit, drawing it up and then parting her lips to find her clit. Her reactions, the way she squirmed, made me strengthen my grip and wait a second before drawing my finger in the same path that my tongue had just taken.

Amy

"Holy fuck!" I barely breathed out. My throat was stopping me from speaking as my whole body tensed. My hands scrambled to try and push myself away. Her touch there was waaaaaay too much. I nearly came instantly.

"Oh God," I gasped out once she moved enough away for me to breathe. It was no use though, she knew I was into it and I'd be done for soon no question. Instead of the surprise of her soft tongue I felt the slightly harder pressure of her finger flicking at the place that once teased would surely cause a flood.

I whimpered out loud as her finger moved past my clit. I felt her other hand on bracing my hip and making sure I couldn't leave. My body screamed.

I didn't know what she'd do to me but even after all this time I knew I probably wasn't ready. If I had time right now I'd probably have an orgasm just thinking about what had just happened. Karma had tasted me, she'd done something I was sure she'd never think to do.

I was so so wrong. And that was definitely alright with me now.

But I was deep. I felt her moving about and tried hard to keep it together and just breathe. Any more of that would surely break me.

Karma

I kept her with me and it didn't take long. I was surprised, expecting to not be very good at this. It probably wasn't that I was good, just that Amy was sensitive.

My finger trailed down and I sank it slowly into her and back out. I paused and she whimpered so I kept going. In and out, building a pace that was joined by my tongue on her clit again. She made delicious sounds as I assaulted her.

The taste was like nothing else. My fear of not liking it was gone, replaced by instant love of making her feel. She was moving again, arched up and I could tell she wasn't breathing for a second. I moved faster and pressed deeper into her.

She cried out above me, making my head flick up to watch her face. Her hands came down, clamping over her mouth and she shook like a leaf as she sank back to the bed.

Her hand came away from her mouth to stop the motion of mine. A curious kind of satisfaction edged with want urged me to just watch her recover from what I had done. Should I be happy that it didn't take that long when all I wanted was to still be tasting her?

I pulled my finger out of her and put it in my mouth, not knowing why but liking the sensation. She looked down at me and I had no idea what she was thinking. For once I couldn't even guess.

"Was that okay?" My shoulders scrunched and a little hopeful smile came across my face. If she said no I would be crushed but I had to know.

Amy

Was that okay…

Was that OKAY?

…

WAS THAT OKAY?!

I felt like jumping up and lunging at her but my whole body needed time. I was so spent that my eyes were even being stubborn but I managed to open them and look up at her. She looked so cute on her knees and just waiting.

"Karma…" I sighed, my head shaking back and forth. She had no idea how embarrassing it was that I came so fast. She had no idea how great that felt to have her inside of me. And SHE WAS GOOD! WHAT THE HELL?!

My eyes shut again and I held at my head.

I realized only a moment later that I hadn't answered her.

"Karma… You don't even know…" I tried to form words.

All my thoughts stopped when I felt her body move up over mine and her lips meet mine. I wasn't expecting her to taste so much like my sex. I hummed into the kiss and felt her kissing me deeper. I slowed her down but let her keep tasting me. My hand went to her naked side and the touched of her skin helped to calm me.

"Why do I want you so bad," I asked, wondering, once she had finally stopped long enough to rest her head on my shoulder and let me relax.

Karma

"Because I'm adorable and have great hair?" I chuckled against her neck and enjoyed the feeling of my lips grazing her skin. It was okay now that Amy told me that it wasn't bad. I almost had a heart attack when she didn't say anything.

All of these images of her taking her hand away from her face and giving me that disappointed look just flew through my head. She was telling me the truth. I knew that. I just didn't expect it to be that hard to tell.

I always knew with Liam because, well, it was just obvious. He was always less worrying. Even if at the time I had a lot of anxiety about him wanting me. With Amy it was even scarier.

If she didn't want me anymore I had so much more to lose. It was the difference between real love and infatuation with an ideal. Falling out of love with Amy was impossible because I loved everything that made her up.

I knew her better than I knew myself. She was my rock. Without her I would be so lost and I almost was but she came back to me. I snuggled into her body and clutched my arms around, never wanting to let go or lose this moment.

"I could ask you the same question, you know?" Even if I was a little late coming to the game… okay a lot late. It was still impossible how deep my need for her went. "I love you," I whispered.

Amy

We'd reached a new level. Karma's whisper made me shake nearly as much as her fingers deep inside.

"Fuck…" I tried to calm down.

Her hand snaked onto my stomach and rest on my abs. I moved my own hand over hers to keep her from moving. I couldn't take much more. The more she touched the more I ached.

"Was that a good fuck or a bad fuck?" Karma asked.

"A good fuck, believe me," I sighed. I wasn't surely talking about the word and the action. I really hoped that she knew.

I pulled her hand up to my mouth and used my tongue to pull one of her fingers into my mouth and sucked on it before breathing a heavy breath out.

"I think I need to recover," I said, my eyes still closed as I tasted her soft skin in my mouth.

The chainsaws had stopped but there was hammering now.

"Not so sure about this show," I said, trying to focus on something mundane. Even the taste of her finger made me wet. Without meaning to I felt my legs move just a bit as I let out a small moan. Karma was halfway on me and halfway off. I wondered when I'd calm down.

Karma

I stiffened when I felt her tongue rake up the length of my finger but when she sucked lightly, taking the last of her own flavor into her own mouth my body tensed with arousal. Again. She was doing it again.

There was no time in between me wanting her and not. Then she said something about the show that was on and I just laughed. A real laugh. It had been awhile since I could let that out. "Well, we should change it to something less home improvement and more interesting.

I could care less what was on TV right now. All I needed was right here. I wanted to get closer so I adjusted myself and shifted a little more onto her than I was before. There wasn't too far to go until I was right on top of her and that was a good thing.

I let out a sigh and cupped her cheek. "How did this happen?" What I really wanted to ask was why had she come back and taken a chance on me. I'd messed up so many times but here she was again. I couldn't forget that. There would be no taking her for granted this time.

"I'm lucky. I just want you to know that I know that," I finished.

Amy

My heart stopped a moment. Everything stopped. I didn't realize it but I'd been holding my breath. All of a sudden I laughed but tears chased me.

"Are you crying?" She asked, her thumb catching a tear.

"Maybe," I said, smiling. I took her wrist in my hand and used my body to push her over onto her back. It wasn't until our roles had reversed that I could actually talk. I was staring down at her and breathing again like I was so used to doing before all the touching and the play.

The thought of her feeling lucky? I felt so soft all of a sudden but also so aware that she still didn't know.

"What?" She asked. I'd been looking down at her a while. I could die right now and be happy for my entire life. And she didn't know.

"I don't know how to say the things I'm feeling," I said.

"We have time," Karma said. I felt her hand on my cheek. Her eyes stared as she lovingly tried to comfort me. My eyes shut into her touch.

"Why do I always feel like there's not enough time?" My body, my heart, my mind, always running. For so long I felt like I was chasing her. Now we're here and this is happening but I still feel like I can't catch up like I can't catch my breath, like I can't find a space to relax. She just does things to me and it never stops.

My heart raced, my chest felt too tight. Looking down at her and waiting, I realized, I was irrationally anxious. Something about the touching and the way she fucked me, something was setting me off and making me freak out inside. I could barely hold myself up and I somehow felt my heart beating in my head.

Karma

She was shaking like something had broken loose inside of her and I didn't know how to stop her from falling apart or even if I should. Maybe she needed it. I was always the one falling apart and letting my emotions go and Amy kept them wound around her like a ball of yarn.

If that was what she needed it would be safe to do it with me. It always had been but I can see why she wouldn't want to in the past. Now, I could catch her and hold her like I couldn't before.

Our wants and intentions were the same and even if there was a lot to figure out, this was the important part. Being there for her with everything I had. "It's okay," I murmured.

Her eyes shifted away from me and I followed them, not pulling my hand away. We were anchors in the world for each other. Everything had revolved around this friendship for so long that now I see that it had to change in some way.

It just happened to turn into something more. Just another added intimacy. The potential had been there and it might have been where it was going all along. I just had to wake up and see the possibilities. Change is scary and I was determined to go headfirst into the most frightening leap I'd ever taken.

Amy

For whatever reason my emotional dams just decided that now was a great time to give way. Bullshit really. Why can't I just have a good time when it's finally allowed?

Karma held me. Out of frustration and irony I began to laugh again. But I couldn't stop shaking so I tried to ignore it just for now.

Karma

I just steered her back toward the bed and sat us both down, letting her get it out. We had both been through a lot but our opposite natures meant we dealt with it in different ways. It was why we worked.

"Hey, you're fine." I pulled her close and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. She crumpled into me and I felt her breath on my neck. It made me shiver. "I know this has been crazy but I just want everything to be good now. We need a new start. Well, kind of. A start to this. And I never want you to doubt me again."

Her laughter wasn't the normal kind. It was just the stress release. I pursed my lips and tried my hardest not to start too but the compulsion was too much. My sides shook and a giggle escaped me until we were both laughing full tilt.

I fell back on the bed and she followed, stowing her head on my shoulder. "I can't believe this is happening," I got out through heavy breaths and laughs.

Amy

"Me neither," I smiled wildly. Somewhere between dinner and now I sort of lost it emotionally. I mean, by now, that was entirely clear. Not gonna lie, I sorta feel like a crazy person. Karma's holding me and she's really trying, which is nice, but still… I just sort of hate this feeling. It isn't me.

I'm just so used to Karma being the one chasing me down, looking to me for comfort. I'm so used to taking care of her and just sort of not stressing out when she's in front of me and all messed up over this thing or that. She has just never had a calm period. Not to say I've always needed to be the strong one but who knows? I can't really rule that all out.

Within the last year or so she's gotten so unbelievably worse when it comes to stress and problems and nerves. Kinda makes me wonder what it is about her I love so much? It may actually be her insecurity but I dunno. How fucked up is that? I don't want to think...Like I feel bad usually. I feel bad that she's so confused and I'm not. But I also feel good that I get to be the one she needs. I want that. It feels wrong to...

It's hard for me to think about. Hard yet impossible.

Lately though, it's just been so different. Lately, I've been unraveling. Lately I've been secretly breaking down, secretly stressing, and secretly filled with these thoughts I'm not used to having, not in any way. Every now and then I can't take it. Every now and then I'm in a moment like this and it all just sort of envelopes me. I can't escape it. I'm overcome.

I'm just so not used to her being this thing that's unintentionally breaking me down.

Especially right now when she's the one trying to keep me together.

Karma

I felt whole again. Amy was with me, really with me now. There was some discomfort here and there but it had to be the newness. It would be worked out in time. We both had to get used to things being a little different.

I finally really knew what being on top of the world was like. It wasn't just a phrase that people used anymore. Physically, I was laying on a bed in Amy's room but emotionally I was so high in the sky that it would take a missile to take me down.

I couldn't get rid of the grin on my face and the giddiness I was feeling. I rolled over, half on top of Amy. "You know, I think I know why I liked pretending to be with you so much. I was just too dumb to realize it." I wanted to shake myself, to wake up and make sure that this was real, but I wasn't asleep.

I reached out, running a hand through Amy's hair. She looked up and I almost imploded from the sight of her. Again, it was so different from anyone else and the more I settled into this feeling, the more I realized what being in love felt like.

You can know something but until you feel it understanding it is impossible. I was in love with Amy Raudenfeld. Completely and utterly head over heels, deep in the forest, pathetically in love. I just prayed she didn't resent me for taking so long.

Amy

"What?" I laughed. Only, when I laughed this time I felt like I could barely breathe. Karma always looked at me with this sort of awe. But right now, something about the way she stared was just so much more intense.

It made me want to scream I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE MINE! And how ridiculous is that?! How ridiculous would that be?! I guess all those stupid cavemen cartoons got it right. In this very instant I was the very equivalent in thinking to one of those thuggish brainless loin-cloth bearing men who would drag their helpless women back to their caves to keep them forever and ever and ever.

That too made me laugh.

Instead of screaming like a brainless oaf, I squeezed my eyelids within an inch of closing and growled at her as I flipped her over to stare down at her again and trap her beneath me.

"What took you so long?" I asked cheekily, more as a joke than anything else. I saw something behind her eyes as her smile faded just a little bit before coming back and filling me again with love and joy.

"Don't answer that," I shook it off, bending down to kiss her and forget about that painful time in which she couldn't feel what I was feeling. "I love you so much," I spoke breathlessly.

I felt her hand in mine. I slowly played with her fingers, feeling how soft and sweaty both our hands were and sighing as I felt her body beneath mine so perfect in every way.

Karma

When she kissed me it was perfect. Just like everything I'd hoped being with someone I loved would be. Only it wasn't the person I'd expected. It took me by surprise the force with which she flipped me and took me in.

She was being possessive and it was thrilling. Until she reminded me that I was a blind idiot. I let the mortification pass and it was replaced by the sense of her on top of me, holding me down but in a soft way.

Our hands came together and she played with my fingers. I moved mine in turn and I smiled, biting down on my lip from the sensations she created in me.

We could be like this for hours and I wouldn't be bored. I wanted her to take the lead now. It felt right to give over control to her. "So, now what are you going to do with me?"

Amy

Did she really just say that?

My heart skipped two beats before starting up again and beating harder.

"You probably shouldn't tease me," I warned. Looking down at her I knew I wanted her much too badly to allow her to torture me without consequence.

But my mind was still remembering how emotionally wrecked I was and how careful I should be with myself given everything.

"I think I should calm down," I smiled shakily. "You make me like a crazy person.

"I do no so thing," she said cheekily, pushing her hand at my side and leading me to relax.

"No, you do," I said. "You know you do."

I laid back on the bed and closed my eyes. Karma's body at my side and her hand at my stomach kept my heart at a rapid beat.

"I want to kiss you all the time," I said. It was all I could think.

Karma

She was careful. Treating us like glass, really thin glass. I wish she would stop because it made me feel even worse. All I wanted was to give her everything that I couldn't before. I was eager but that should make her see that I wanted this.

"Come on Amy,"I prodded. "You know you want to…" I shifted back and gave her a long gaze. "Or do you want to?" Suddenly, the question seemed so real and so relevant.

My eyes strayed to the pillow behind her head. "Do you still want me?" Tears threatened to surface and I held my breath to keep them back. There wasn't much I could do to avoid it though. I'm a cryer. All of this could have just been Amy thinking that she must still be in love with me but in reality she moved on.

If so, I was going to lose it but maybe I deserved that after what I put her through. I rolled off of her, putting space between us. The comforter was as familiar and soft as always under my hands as I scooted but my skin felt so cold. I shivered and swallowed hard, waiting for her next words.

Amy

What?

I rolled over, covering her skin with my own.

"Of course," I said, the whole of me seeming to leave my body if only for a moment.

How could she even think?

"Why would you ask that?"

My world felt confusing and sick all of a sudden. Was I mixing things up? Was I the confusing one?

I didn't think so. I really didn't think so. But I had pushed her away and I had freaked out and possibly freaked her out.

My lips moved to her shoulder and I let them kiss her there.

"I want you so much I can't stand it," I said. "It's just hard to think that we can be this way when I'd thought for so long that we couldn't. Does that make any sense?"

Karma

I shrugged a shoulder and bit my bottom lip. It was my fault again. My dumb blindness lead us here. "I guess. Yeah. I know it's scary." I looked up to find her sad eyes staring back at me. "I'm scared too, Amy. I feel like I don't deserve you. I guess I don't after everything but I want this and I don't want you to wake up in a week and realize that you were really over me and just thought that you still wanted me."

This was the first time we had really talked like this in awhile. The confusion, pain, and distance had cut our formerly enviable communication down to almost nill. "But I guess that's just a chance I have to take." I reached out and tugged at the hem of her tshirt. "Just promise me that you'll let me down easy if it turns out that you do feel that way?"

She meant what she was saying. I knew that but after she confessed her feelings I always had to wonder if she really loved me or just felt safest with me and didn't want to lose that. My own demons at work.

Amy pulled me in, both hands resting on the sides of my face. "I'm in love with you and that's not going to change."

I couldn't help but grin, her hands warming my cheeks and making me want to smother her in at least one million kisses. "Okay," I said. "And for the record. I love you too. In a not just friends way."