No Use to Sit and Wonder

It ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
An' it ain't no use in turnin' on your light, babe
I'm on the dark side of the road
Still I wish there was somethin' you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay

'Don't Think Twice, It's All Right' – Bob Dylan

Fire bloomed between her fingertips.

She set it to the wick of the candle, watched it catch. A bit of smoke curled upwards past her face.

The light flickered and danced, red-yellow flame gleaming off azure eyes.

"You have got to be using the Force!" Fives groaned, tossing his sabacc cards onto the table in exasperation.

Ahsoka laughed in response, waving a hand and insisting, "I'm not, I swear!" She puffed up with as much theatrical, mock self-importance as she could muster. She placed a hand over her heart. "A Jedi does not cheat." Then she stuck her tongue out at him.

Rex snickered, and Echo tried not to snort liquid through his nose, being halfway through a swig of ale.

They sat in a ring around the table just off the ship's galley, an impressive array of fruit, snacks and sweets littering the table. Candy wrappers were scattered in little hills around their feet. Several empty bottles of Corellian ale were sitting in front of them, frosty glass towers standing upright amid the mess and the chips in the center of the table.

They'd spoiled themselves. They all knew they shouldn't have, but it was the first time any of them had been let loose in a grocery store with money to spend. They had managed to come out with enough food for daily consumption, but all four of them had returned with baskets well laden with seemingly irresistible junk as well.

They were receiving a stipend. It wasn't a great deal of money, but enough to keep them in fuel, food and weapons, with a little on the side for any repairs they might need to make. The ship was mostly theirs, on loan from a concerned Senator of Alderaan.

Their mission was twofold, covert. Reconnaissance and, if possible, rescue. It was too dangerous, in the volatile aftermath of the Republic's fall, to take much direct action against the newly formed Empire. Too many rumors, both unsubstantiated and confirmed, floated around, telling of the deaths of Jedi who survived Order 66 and attempted to fight back. Jedi hunted down to bolt-holes and rooted out. For now, they would watch, wait, and report. And move. They would keep their heads down, but their ears open and eyes sharp. If they could find any surviving Jedi, any surviving Force-sensitives, they would quietly help them vanish, scatter.

They had already learned Naboo and its Queen Apailana silently held sympathies for the Jedi. It was good news. Another possible haven to hide in, once things calmed in the Gungan swamplands. They had successfully gotten Roo-Roo and her mother to Alderaan.

Three well-trained clone troopers and a newly minted Jedi Knight were an army unto themselves - if a little unsure of how to work as a small unit. They'd begun the evening talking strategy. The rescue of the Gungans had ended entirely too messily.

Things had devolved into fun when the ale and sabacc cards were broken out.

"Then how do you explain that smug look?" Fives was continuing, holding an accusing finger at her. "You've won all three of the other rounds!"

Ahsoka gave him her sweetest, most innocent expression. "Smug? Me?"

"Yeah," Rex added, "That look."

Ahsoka gasped. "You too, Rex?" She clutched at her heart as though wounded. Rex just laughed more. "Seriously though," she continued, waving a hand at the empty bottles in front of the men, "It couldn't possibly be because you three are all drunk."

Fives took a deliberately long pull on his bottle of ale, then waggled his eyebrows. Ahsoka rolled her eyes. "How can you drink that stuff? It tastes awful!" Her bottle was still nearly full. Only a couple of mouthfuls seemed to have been taken from it. "Liquid grain." She made a face.

"Fermented liquid grain," Rex corrected her, nodding sagely. Ahsoka rolled her eyes again.

"I am not buying this stuff for you guys anymore."

"Guess we'll have to go do the grocery shopping then, huh, Captain?" Fives said, leaning on the table and doing a very poor job of a conspiratorial whisper.

Rex snorted. "You are drunk, aren't you?"

Fives grinned rather stupidly, leaned back in his chair and declared, "I still say she's using the Force!"

Before Ahsoka could open her mouth to argue, Echo stopped counting on his fingers and shoved his arms out, upsetting the piles of junk food on the table. Rex had to quickly reach out and grab a couple of bottles before he knocked them to the floor. "She's not using the Force!" he declared. "Because I win!" He tilted his head back and laughed.

He tossed his cards onto the table. Three other heads peered around to look at his cards. A Star, an Endurance and a two of staves looked up at them. Twenty-three.

A chorus of groans came from the others. Echo leaned forward, half out of his seat, to reach for the chips in the center of the table. Then his hand slipped, and he crashed face first into a pile of cracknuts. After a moment, he said, "Ow."

Rex and Ahsoka erupted into snorts of laughter, as Fives tried to peel Echo off the table. "Echo, how the hell can we be cloned from the same guy and you be such a lightweight?"

Echo tried to focus on him. "Um, genetics?" he suggested, then began to turn green. Then he said, very seriously, "I think I'm going to throw up on you."

Fives blanched and immediately began to scramble backwards. Rex stood up, hooked an arm through Echo's, hauled him to his feet and announced, "I think you need to spend some time in the 'fresher."

"Sorry, Captain," he said, wobbling as Rex tried to steer him away from the table. His legs began to give out, and Fives leapt forward to hold up his other side.

"Yeah, just don't throw up on me again," Rex said. Echo groaned.

Fives' eyes bulged. "He's thrown up on you before?"

Echo made some interesting distressed sounds. The only coherent words were, "'Fresher, now."

The two somewhat less tipsy clones rushed the nauseous one out of the room. Ahsoka covered her mouth behind a hand and tried to repress a fresh peal of laughter. She winced when some retching sounds emanated from the direction they'd gone, quickly followed by sounds of, 'Aw, yuck' from the other two.

A few minutes later, Rex poked his head back into the dining area. Ahsoka was standing, dropping the chips into piles, each settling into stacks with quiet clicking sounds. She'd dragged a bag over and it was half full of garbage.

"Commander?" he asked. She looked up. "Need a hand?"

She shook her head, lekku bouncing lightly against her shoulders. "I've got it Rex. You go lie down before you get like Echo."

He looked sheepish and scratched the back of his head. "I'm not that far gone."

She smiled. "It's okay. You guys usually do it. I can handle it this time. I'll take watch, too. Get some rest, Rex."

He looked like he might be ready to argue, but Ahsoka put her hands on her hips, lifted a brow, and gave him her best 'Do as I say' expression. He gave her a halfhearted smile in return and a quietly chuckled, "Yes, ma'am. Good night, Ahsoka."

She shooed him out. "'Good night, Rex."

The light flickered and danced, red-yellow flame gleaming off azure eyes.

Ahsoka pulled herself into a meditative position, legs folded, perched on her chair. The candle sat in the center of the table, so recently cleared of trash. She breathed deeply through her nose, inhaling the slightly herbal scent radiating from the warm wax of the candle. She set her hands lightly on her knees and rested her back against the chair.

Looking from one empty seat to another, she smiled a little. Half an hour ago, three men had sat in those seats, looking as relaxed as she had ever seen them. Stars were idling past the long, narrow window beside the table. She watched them for a moment, the white pricks of light floating easily by as they glided forward through space.

Her little unit. A squad. She wasn't entirely thrilled with the effects of the alcohol, but it was worth it, even if Echo was probably going to have a throbbing headache when he woke up. They'd needed a little time to unwind. The last several weeks had taken too much of a toll on all of them. It was good to cut loose a little and laugh. To try to reknit some of the fragmented bonds.

She wasn't entirely sure what had happened, when the Order had gone out. Something had gone badly with Fives. She wasn't sure what, but there was a cloud of guilt that would hover around him at times, and a certain concern lacing through the behavior of both Rex and Echo. She did not know exactly what happened, but she could give a good guess. She couldn't be angry with him, even if he had tried to follow orders. She knew what he was up against. In the end, whatever had passed between the three men, he'd chosen his side, and seemed to be content enough with them now, though they all had their uncertainties.

She wanted them to be happy. As much as possible. They had minimal free time during the war. They wouldn't have much even now, but she wanted them to have some of the freedom they had been denied in the army. Echo already seemed to be taking to her suggestion of reading novels. He'd been too stir crazy on the way to Naboo. He needed to keep his brain busy. She wasn't sure what to suggest with Fives, but hoped something would turn up. Rex, she knew, would be able to take care of himself. She smiled at the thought.

Attachment, again. It seemed to plague her. These were her men now. They would be following her orders, on her self-appointed mission. She was glad to have Rex there, to bounce ideas off of. She may be a Knight, but she was aware of how new she was, and how she would not have the luxury of advice from other Jedi, unless she swung by Tatooine and sought out Master Kenobi. She would need Rex.

She realized her hands were clenched together. She forced her palms to open, her fingers to relax. It was an old argument with herself. Rex. She still did not know what to make of the rule of non-attachment.

There were days when she feared becoming too close to anyone. There were other days when she feared that fear, and tried to rebel against it. Fear led to the dark side. She couldn't be afraid all the time, become paranoid. Her hands were starting to ball up again. She grimaced and forced them back into a relaxed position.

Breathe in, breathe out. The candle flickered easily in the recycled air. The muscles in her neck began to ease. Her eyes closed, and she could see the outline of the flame like a specter against the back of her eyelids.

She would not be afraid. She would not turn. She would not be like Anakin.

Her eyes snapped open. She forced them to close again. Breathe in, breathe out. Air rushed through her nose. She focused the image of the candle in her mind. She'd always admired Anakin Skywalker. Imitated, even idolized. Her brave Hero With No Fear, who had turned out to be ever so afraid.

She had learned to follow in his footsteps. Now she had to unlearn that, find her own way. She was a Knight now, with no Master to rely on. She had to rely on herself. On Rex, Echo, Fives. They had chosen to stay with her.

Whatever had happened, their attachments to her and to each other had kept them all alive.

Her eyes opened and she watched the candle for a time, the wax melting and spilling over the lip of the column in slow rivulets.

It could not be wrong. It did not feel wrong. It could not be wrong, to care about other people. It could not be wrong to defend people you care about.

The Jedi Order was gone. She had to rely on herself and those around her. She could not be detached. She could not be uncaring. Palpatine did not care about anyone. That she understood. So she would be counter.

She would care. She would care, and she would be attached, and she would be sad and hurt and cry if she lost someone, and she'd fight like hell to keep that from happening.

And if it meant breaking the rules the Jedi Order had established, then so be it. They were gone. Gone. The times were changing, and the rules with them.

Ahsoka reached up, brushed tears off her cheeks with the palms of her hands. From one attachment to another.

She fought herself into calm. She rested her hands lightly on her knees, palms down. She watched the flame of the candle before her, and the stars that drifted beyond that light. Around the flame, a halation grew, a halo of rainbow colored light around the center. The longer she watched it, the stronger it grew, until it seemed to fill her vision. It grew and fluttered with her breaths.

She took it with her when she closed her eyes. The brightness and the flame and the stars.

She cast out with her mind, searching. The bond that still existed between her and her Master lingered, a silver rope nearly consumed by black blemish and pock marked with misuse and decay. She wrapped her hands around it, felt the beat of it, a pulse under her fingertips. She did not follow it, this time. She knew what lay at the other end of that road. The dark, void, rage.

She pulled. Not towards her, but away. It strained. She didn't want to let go. It remained intact. She tried again. She could not chance her Master finding them, making use of the old bond to track her.

She twisted, feeling it begin to tear. Rex, Echo, Fives. She would not risk them. They were her responsibility now. Let go. Let go.

The rope snapped, shattering in her fingers, and she gasped, head jerking upward as she convulsed once, abruptly back in her own body, sitting in the darkened dining room of their ship. The candle had burned low, not yet a puddle of wax, but would be soon.

She was trembling. She rested her hands on the edge of the table, taking long, slow, calming breaths of air. Slow in, slower out. She forced herself into relaxation, focusing on the melting candle, pooling in warm yellow-white tones against the stark white of the tabletop.

She gathered stillness around her like a warm cloak, and spent time trying to meditate rather than cry.

She did not quite succeed.

Far in the distance, a man in black stood on the bridge of his ship.

There was a snapping somewhere within the Force. An old bond had broken from its tether, slipped away into the night.

Somewhere, throughout all the fury that welled within him, there was a faint swell of relief.

If she had to die, then he, at least, had not been the one to kill her.

Ahsoka fell asleep with her head pillowed on her arms.

Rex wrapped a blanket over her shoulders, blew out the candle, and let her be.

Hopefully I got all that stuff with sabacc correct. I'm not much of a card player to begin with. I really wanted to have at least one scene in here somewhere that was funny. So much of this is drama! and angst! Gets a little depressing to write after awhile.

While poking around Wookiepedia gathering information, I found out that the little Gungan girl's name is Roo-Roo Page. XD Heck of a name.

I've spent some time thinking how to deal with Ahsoka and Vader. To be honest, I'm letting the lyrics point me in various directions, and Don't Think Twice gave me a very strong image of Ahsoka before a candle, praying for/parting from Anakin. Ahsoka's trying to hide and to stay on the move – the last thing she wants now is to confront Vader. Not so much for herself, but because of the work she's doing. Contact is too much of a risk, not just to herself, but to everything she and the boys are starting. She's moving in the shadows where no one can see. Besides, I'm sure "Ahsoka vs. Vader" fics have been done by now. :)

Hope you enjoyed.

~Queen