When Ella next awoke she felt as if she had slept deep and well, she couldn't remember feeling so rested for a long time, since she had lived at Maria's. Doc had moved from her side and was busy cooking bacon in a skillet, a pot of freshly brewed coffee also awaited. The smells invaded Ella's senses and her mouth watered. Doc smiled warmly as he saw she was awake.

She sat up and winced as the cuts and bruises upon her face reminded her of the night before. She supposed she'd had a lucky escape from Jimmy, once he knew she wasn't as accommodating as he wished he may have had his way with her and then slit her throat not wanting to drag an unwilling woman along with him. She returned a smile to Doc and pulled the blanket that had been covering her around her shoulders, the day was chill and she could see frost upon the ground in some places.

"Mornin'." Doc said cheerily as she made her way over to him and sat down.

"Mornin' yourself." She said with a small grin.

"Bacon's nearly cooked and I got coffee an' bread."

"I'm half starved." Ella said licking her lips lightly at the prospect of real food.

They were soon eating their meal and Ella could have sworn it was the best bacon and coffee she'd ever had, she could have eaten it until she felt sick but luckily there wasn't enough to go that far, but it was enough to leave her feeling full and satisfied.

"How do you feel?" Doc asked once only large cups of steaming coffee remained of their meal.

"Sore." Ella replied truthfully. "But I'll live, don't I always?" She had meant it as a joke but Doc's look became concerned.

He reached out and touched her cheek that bore no injuries. "Yeah you always live." He sighed and looked out across the plains. "Where were you headed out here all alone Ella?" He paused. "It isn't like you to go wanderin'."

"I was goin' back to Ojinaga, I was livin' with Maria and I wanted to go back to her." It was Ella's turn to pause. "I wish I'd never left."

"Why did you leave?" Doc asked his gaze fully upon her and curious.

Ella shifted uncomfortably, how could she tell Doc where she had been… or more to the point who she had been with? She didn't want to see that look of warmth and caring leave his eyes when he looked at her, she felt as if she could bear anyone looking at her in disappointment and disgust, but she couldn't bear that look from Doc. She couldn't tell him the truth that she had been with the very man he hunted, she may put Joey in danger or Doc himself. She didn't want Doc chasing Joey anyway, she'd seen Joey kill and he was fast and accurate, cold and callous. Doc too was fast and accurate but Joey had the upper hand, he had more skills and he was ruthless, uncaring. Doc was neither of these things, Doc was a good man and Joey would use that fact against him.

But still, she had to tell him something and it had to be close to the truth, she didn't want to lie to Doc.

She took in a breath and looked at him. He knew she had a confession he was not going to like, Ella always bore the same expression when she felt guilty.

"Dave was shot, he caused too much trouble with the wrong man… and…" She paused. "I never got any of your letters Doc…" She said changing the subject a little. "After Dave died I didn't feel right and I kept hopin' you'd come back and get me but you didn't so…" She paused once more. "I moved on, I had to." She forced herself to look at him, it wasn't an easy task. "I felt like I'd go crazy just sittin' waitin' and I found someone who for a time made me happy." She surprised herself with her words, she would never have described her time with Joey as 'happy' but now she had said it she supposed she had been happy in a way.

Doc's eyes widened slightly and he looked a little like he had just been slapped but he regained his composure quickly. "So… you left with this man?"

Ella nodded. "Yeah, we travelled a while… but we couldn't get along I guess." Her voice became no more than a whisper.

"He left you out here alone?" Doc said through gritted teeth, he wanted to teach the man who had treated her this way a lesson and at the same time he was annoyed with Ella for taking up with such a person, had she learnt nothing from being with Dave!

"Well we had a quarrel a good few days back."

"A quarrel?" Doc pried, he knew he was asking for more information than he should but he couldn't help it, he wanted to know everything.

"He found out about my past an' he wasn't happy." She paused and gave a wry smile. "Guess I should have told him sooner but he'd still have been mad."

"Ah Stella." Doc hissed. "You always get yourself in more trouble than I can understand." He tried to smile but it was weak and lacked conviction before his face became once again serious. He was trying hard to hide the fact of how wounded he was that she had been with another man, but he could also understand that she had to move on, he could have traveled to Ojinaga instead of just writing but he supposed he had been afraid that she wouldn't want him anymore. He regretted that decision now, if he had returned perhaps Ella would now be his wife and things would be different, but he was once again in limbo with her, not knowing where he stood and still loving her with all his being.

"Do you think he'll come back for you?"

Ella had to check herself she had been about to say Joey's name but she caught the word in time. "No, I think he's sore enough to leave me t' freeze."

Doc looked surprised. "He's that mean?"

Ella gave a small nod, knowing that this fact was as true as the fact Joey had once made her happy.

"He don't forgive easy, he won't forgive this…. he don't like whores." She said bitterly her expression betraying just how painful the memory that she thought of was.

Doc wrapped his hands around her own. "You ain't a whore anymore. You and I…" He caught her eyes with his and held them. "We ain't what we used to be, I'm not an outlaw and you ain't a whore no more." He massaged the back of her hand, wanting to comfort her; he could see the hurt in her eyes, this man had got to her badly, he had made her think less of herself, that she was no better than a common whore and Doc couldn't stand her feeling this way.

Ella looked away unable to shake the image of Joey's angry hurt eyes from her mind.

"Whatever he said it ain't true Ella, you know I never thought of you as anything other than Ella, the woman I loved."

Ella jerked her head up, her eyes connecting to his, surprise lurking in their depths at his words.

"The woman I still love." He rested his hand once more upon her cheek and smiled.

Ella felt a wave of guilt hit her hard and unrelentingly, near drowning her in the overpowering emotion. She pushed away Doc's warm hand, she couldn't stand the feeling of it upon her, she also found she could no longer look at him, his eyes bore forgiveness and understanding. She would have felt better if he had shouted at her or at least acted like he no longer wanted her, looked at her as if she were tainted goods… the way Joey had looked at her… but all Doc offered was compassion and warmth, she found she couldn't stomach it.

"You shouldn't say that Doc." She said knowing he was looking at her in confusion. "I'm no good for you, I've been with another man… an' I loved him." She found she wanted to hurt him, she wanted him to stop loving her, she didn't deserve his love and she was unsure she could return it, not now, not after Joey. She may never see Joey Garza again, he would certainly not want to see her any time soon and she could accept that, she could accept life without him. But in a strange way she could not stop loving him, she knew a part of her would love Joey until she was old and grey. Maybe in time she would meet another man she felt she could live out her life with, but right now she didn't want to allow it to be Doc. Doc was a good, kind man and he deserved better than a wife who only thought fondly of him, he deserved to be loved as deeply as he himself loved… in this moment she could not give him what he wanted and it would only lead to unhappiness for them both.

Doc gave a small nod. "I know that from the way you talk of him, though it was only a little… I think you still love him."

This statement made Ella look at Doc, his words startled her.

"But just like you still love him, even though I reckon you wish you didn't, I just can't stop loving you either." He gave her a weak smile. "Guess you'll have to put up with me at least till we get back to Ojinaga."

She couldn't stop his words warming her and fought back the tears of emotion that threatened, she hated pushing him away, she bitterly wished things were different, that she could go back to that day by the washing and kiss him over and over with that wonderful feeling of hope and excitement bubbling within her, but she could not go back in time and they were where they were.

"Thanks Doc." She managed. "But you don't need to take me all the way to Ojinaga, it's out of your way an' your Captain will be wantin' you back."

Doc shook his head. "Captain Call will catch up to me, I'm goin' to Mexico to meet up with the rest of the posse, Call will meet us there once he's delivered those children safely."

Doc's words jolted her into remembering Mox Mox and everything that had happened while she had been his captive. "The children, they're okay aren't they?"

"They seemed fine when I rode past after you, the boy had a few cuts on his face but Call will take good care of him, they'll get home to their parents, don't fret on it Ella." He smiled warmly.

Ella smiled in return beginning to feel a little uncomfortable in his presence and hot… she felt as if she were burning up. She placed a hand to her head and felt sweat upon her brow.

"You okay?" Doc asked concern furrowing his brow. "You've gone white as a sheet."

"I think I might be getting sick, I've been out in the open for days with little food an' water, I guess my body just got tired."

Doc reached out and felt her brow, his frown deepened. "You feel hot Ella, it might be a fever."

Ella tried to smile but she felt weaker than she had a moment ago. "I can still ride, tie me on if you have to." She meant the words. "I'm tired of bein' out on the plains I just want to get home, will ya take me home Doc?"

Doc pulled out a clean cloth and poured some cool water on it before mopping gently at Ella's brow, cooling her skin.

"I'll take you home Ella, don't you worry."

---

Ella found that the weak feeling seemed to grow in her limbs, her head had also begun to throb, a dull aching thud that would not abate at the back of her skull. She felt far too hot for the weather and the sweat beaded across her face and body, she wished distractedly that she could have a bath or at the very least a good wash, she felt if she could just have a nice hot bath she'd feel so much better that the fever would break and she could sleep off the after effects in a cozy bed while Maria hummed an old tune and made bread and a good broth that would heal her tired body. Teresa would stroke her hair and tell her stories about the big spiders by the well that she allowed to crawl across her hands and all would be right in the world.

But she wasn't in such a blissful environment where she knew all would be okay and all she had to do was think about feeling well again, she was mounted upon a horse in freezing weather with a man she no longer felt as comfortable with as she once did and they had a long journey ahead of them. She didn't know how far away from Ojinaga they were but she guessed no more than a week and no less than three days.

By late afternoon Ella was finding it hard to grip onto her reins, the fever was taking full control of her body. Doc insisted that they stop and make camp early. Ella didn't want to stop, she wanted to ride and ride until she came to that warm cozy room and Maria's kind face looked at her with motherly worry, but she did not have the strength to argue. Doc wrapped her in blankets and gave up one of his shirts from his pack to serve as her pillow. He had some bread and goat's milk that would be good for one more day, he heated the milk and mashed the bread into it then carefully sat her up and fed her. Although Ella insisted she could feed herself Doc did not relent and she was glad, she did not think she could have held the spoon steady but she always felt she had to protest to keep her pride, she was thankful that Doc was so firm with her. He made her drink plenty of water, assuring her they would soon find a fresh water source.

Ella felt a little better after she had eaten and drank her fill. Doc tended to her damp face and hair, wiping a cool cloth over her when she needed it. She felt so very tired, she wasn't sure when sleep took her or if it took her at all, she may still have been awake but she had dreams, vivid dreams that Joey was with her instead of Doc, that he now tended her, kissed her brow softly and told her in whispered words how much he loved her, how sorry he was, how he should never have hurt her and Ella sighed in contentment, it was a good dream waking or not…