Joey finally released Ella and stood, grabbing at his discarded clothes without a single glance towards her. She shivered with a combination of the after affects of their love making and the coolness of the cave. She grasped at the silk sheets around her, suddenly wanting nothing more than for her undressed state to be covered in his presence. She pulled the sheet tightly to her body and felt an impulsive urge to break down and cry as shame and remorse curled around her heart, seeming to crush it with the weight. Again she had only succeeded in hurting herself, it was true that had she attempted to struggle away from him, to deny the want they both felt, he may have taken her anyway or carried out his first plan of killing her… but at least she would have had her pride intact. Now it lay shattered in many tiny pieces within her mind, her self-respect was near destroyed, and worst of all she'd wanted his touch, to touch him… and now… now what would become of her…
Would Joey expect her to stay with him again? She felt bile rise within her throat at the mere thought of returning back to that life, a life that had no meaning, no comfort and no love. Ella would rather end her life in this cave than step back onto that path, and even if Joey did not want her, what of Doc? She could not return to him now and beg his forgiveness after what had occurred. Even if she did start a new life Joey would forever haunt her, her days would be in permanent fear of him returning, seeking her out and the whole damn mess of a vicious circle would begin again…
Ella brought her knees up to her chest and rested her brow upon them, her thoughts truly in darkness as she tried to think, to understand anything about the situation. How could she still feel anything for a man she hated? Nothing seemed right about any of this, nothing seemed normal and she bitterly wished it was all not the truth. In this moment of uncertainty, regret and self loathing Ella felt that she may lose her grasp on her own mind. The man she had just bedded with had wanted her dead only moments before, could wish her dead again and who knew when he wouldn't still his hand, when the deed would be all that occupied his thoughts and she would be left broken and dead, all for naught.
Finally she looked up, trying to raise her eyes to her surroundings, the effort seemed immense, her gaze as leaden as her heart felt. Joey was fully dressed once again and sat upon a trunk studying a gleaming new rifle, his eyes flicking to where she sat every now and again as if he couldn't help but be drawn back to her.
As her eyes met his, he abandoned his task, letting his gaze meet hers fully, holding her to him. Their blue depths hinted with a mild glow that she had not seen for a long time. It was akin to the looks he would give her in Ojinaga in the early days of their relationship, when things had been difficult but bright. Sometimes as they lay in the aftermath of a pleasurable union, once their breathing and heart rates had returned to normal, she would sometimes catch that soft look and wonder what he was thinking. Whether he was just relaxed and content or if he was really feeling something more than that, something powerful and meaningful… a feeling that would make her stay by his side gladly. But now the familiar look only made her heart feel heavier. It didn't mean anything if he did feel something for her, no matter how much she wished it did, that he would change, it was all just a fantasy. Joey couldn't change, tender moments and looks may make her believe for a fleeting moment that it was all worth it, but it never was… his pain was too much of a burden and his venom too much to bear.
They continued to stare at each other, the silence of the cave near deafening in the wake of what had just occurred between them.
Ella glanced away, knowing that the situation would get no better if she stayed like this. She still had to find a way out, to discover what he intended for her and if she could perhaps make the outcome less dangerous. She wanted to speak something sugar coated and honey tongued, to lull him until she could get away, to invoke Diamond Stella. But no matter how hard she searched she couldn't find that girl inside herself in this moment, she was just Ella and the words she spoke were from her frightened, confused heart.
"You were goin' to kill me weren't you?" she whispered, not meeting his gaze.
It seemed for a long time Joey was silent. "Si." His voice was low and muffled as if he did not wish to speak.
Ella raised her face to look at him. "Why?"
Joey shifted uncomfortably, his eyes flickering with irritation. "Because you betrayed me" he said simply, harking back to the day at Judge Roy Bean's.
Ella shook her head sadly, she had been fully aware of his motive for wanting her dead. "Why didn't you?"
Joey's eyes met hers, the line of his jaw tightened for a moment. "I do not know."
Ella nodded, believing his words and unsure what else there was to say on the matter. "What will you do… now?" she asked, knowing he would understand the question was about them… her.
Joey gave a cruel smile, but the look was not directed at her but at himself. "I do not know" he repeated.
"Do you still want me dead?" She couldn't stop the small waver in her voice. Perhaps she wanted him to nod and say yes, to end all this confusion.
Joey got up abruptly from where he sat, flinging the rifle to the stone floor with violent force before flexing his hands in anger. "I do not know!" he roared, his rage suddenly unleashed in full force.
Ella recoiled from the outburst as the lingering echo rang around the cave. Her heart pace increased, fluttering like a frightened bird inside her chest, silencing her from saying anymore and provoking him further.
Joey pushed his hair back violently and closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath as he did. Ella stared at him, waiting for what his next move would be, still fearful for her own life.
"I thought…" Joey began, his voice once again calm and smooth but forced to be so. "If I brought you here I would want to kill you." He gestured absently to her with his hand. "But… there was no pleasure in it, it felt… wrong" he murmured. "I thought if I killed you it would stop this." He clutched at his chest and then his temple; the words were hissed through his teeth.
Ella watched him with wary eyes, wondering if he had completely lost his senses.
"When you are not with me I… ache" he said finally, his tone deflated.
Ella's lips parted, Joey's words were jumbled but they were honest.
"And when you are with me I don't want you near me." He glanced at her. "If I kill you I may ache all the time…" He paced a few steps, his words not directed at her.
"Joey." She said his name in a breathless whisper, pleading for him to listen. "I'll go away, I swear I'll leave and you won't have to see me again." She paused but he said nothing in return. "I was already plannin' to leave soon, in the next few days."
"With him?!" Joey said suddenly, turning to face her fully, his eyes flashing with cold anger.
Ella knew who he referred to. "Yes, I was gonna leave with Doc." There seemed little point in lies now.
"I do not want you to leave with him!" he said simply, the anger hinting menacingly in his tone.
"Fine!" Ella said desperately. "I'll leave on my own."
"No!" Joey barked. "You will meet up with that gringo."
Ella felt tears pricking at her eyes. "What do you want from me?" she gasped, her composure falling away as the sheer need to be away from this place, away from him began to claw over her.
"Nada y todo." Joey whispered before silence fell over them once again. "I do not know" he said finally, knowing she had not understood him.
Ella pulled the silk sheet tighter around her, still shivering from the cool air. Joey noticed this and walked forward, Ella flinched at his movement but he walked past her and picked up a simple velvet burgundy travel set of skirt and bodice hemmed with fine lace and golden thread. He held out the garments to her and Ella took them gladly. She quickly pulled them on; the rich fabric instantly bringing her warmth and comfort, the mere fact her body was no longer vulnerable to him gave her some needed strength.
When she was fully dressed she turned to him. "Joey?"
He turned at the sound of his name, behind his cold blue eyes she could see confusion and doubt, the anger still burned brightly but it seemed to have quelled and quieted for the time being.
"I'm sorry" she said slowly, knowing she really had no need to apologize, but feeling she had to. Whether this man before her was insane as some stated or a demon as others seemed convinced, she had loved him, in a strange way loved him still and she had hurt him deeply and for that she was sorry. No matter his actions afterwards, she was sorry she had caused him pain. "I shouldn't have kept things from you, but I ain't proud of any of my past and I can't change it." She paused, waiting to see his reaction but he remained still, his face smooth and expressionless. "I think," she began again, "we just cause each other pain and I don't want to hurt or be hurt anymore." She paused once more, trying to gauge his reaction. "Let me leave, let me go far away and you can forget me and I'll try to do the same." She swallowed knowing she was taking a risk. "It can go back to how it was before we met."
Joey gave a shallow laugh. "Before we met?" he whispered, but he offered nothing more in explanation for his words.
Ella licked her dry lips. "You could go to Mexico City." His eyes flicked to hers. "You could start a new life."
His brow furrowed. "I do not want a new life, I have killed the great Woodrow Call and I will kill his posse, for sport and my name will be whispered in fear!" he said in a proud whisper, edged with a menacing tone as if he enjoyed the thought of being feared.
"Call ain't dead yet…" She paused, seeing his face glower with annoyance. "Is that all you want, to be feared?"
Joey gave her a sneer and went back to sit upon the crate, taking up the rifle once more. "Si, to be feared is to have all the power." He looked at her directly, his cool, blue eyes burning with a lingering flame. "I will be feared." He ran a cloth over the rifle. "I will take what I want and I will kill who I want… I will kill anyone else they send after me."
Ella's eyes suddenly stung with tears, although for what reason she couldn't say. "Then you're a fool" she whispered. "They will catch you one day, a lawman will come along and he'll get you to make a mistake." She glanced at him, unable to stop the tears from sliding down her cheeks. Joey's lips parted as he stared at her, his cool blue eyes were softened but still unreadable. "Fear isn't happiness."
Joey's eyes hardened and he gave a cruel chuckle. "There is no such thing!" He gave her a look that stated all too clearly that he thought her a simpleton for not understanding his thoughts. "Happiness is a lie; they tell you such things to make you work until your back breaks and your spirit dies, chica tonta, that is how life really is." He gave a small grin, enjoying berating her. "My spirit will not die."
Ella wiped at her cheeks. "Your spirit?" Ella said slowly. "It's your soul you should worry about Joey." She pushed her hair out of her face. "I have been happy, I will be happy again, so let me go and you can do as you please." She took in a breath. "You don't need me, you never have. I can't give you anythin' you want, I don't even know what you do want!" She silently prayed he was listening and understanding what she was saying. "We… we…" She found words suddenly failed her. "We just shouldn't be around each other no more" she finished, deflated.
Joey stared at her a moment, his eyes burning into her, the cold intelligence working in their depths as he decided what was to be done.
"No," he said simply, "you will not leave."
Ella stared back at him, her heart drumming unpleasantly inside her chest.
"Then… you'll kill me?"
Joey gave a cruel huff of laughter. "No." He shook his head lightly. "You will go back to Ojinaga, you will live in your old house and you will stay there." His tone was calm and unconcerned, as if his word was all that mattered and once he had spoken all was made clear and to be obeyed. "You will not see the gringo again because I will kill him… and the rest of Call's men."
His words stung and hearing him speak of killing Doc tugged hard at her mind, threatening to become panic but she controlled herself, if she showed emotion and sorrow or any emotion that would link her and Doc together, Joey would never be diverted in his murdering choice. Ella continued to stare at him steadily; she wrenched her thoughts away from Doc and lingered upon his other words. So this was now his plan, to make her his whore. A woman that would be there whenever he wanted, would take him into her bed whenever he wished and would live only for him. The thought sickened her, she couldn't live that life, she wouldn't. She wanted a life that would fulfill her and give her moments of happiness not one that would be filled with misery and desolate emotions.
"No" she said suddenly, surprising herself with the word. "If you keep me as your woman… I won't survive, I'll die!" she cried, losing her composure.
Joey strode forward in hurried steps; his hand grabbed her upper arm painfully, pulling her to him. "Then you will die," he said through gritted teeth, "but you will do as I say."
Ella pulled herself from his grip in a violent movement. "No" she repeated. "You'll have to force me each time to lay with you, you'll have to chase after me each time I run… an' I will run!" she declared. "Am I really worth the effort?" She found she was breathing hard.
Once again Joey's reaction to her trying to gain some form of power was one of violence. He lashed out and struck her harshly across the cheek. Ella recoiled from the blow and glanced at him, the hatred for him burning deeply within her once more. Joey studied her, his eyes grazing across her features before he lunged forward, his lips brutally crashing against hers. Ella tightened her mouth, allowing him to take no pleasure from her own lips and with a rough jerk she pushed him away. They both stared at each other, panting hard.
"It won't happen again, you can kill me! I won't live that way again, I've lived it all my life an' I'm through with doin' what I'm told!" she screamed, wiping his kiss from her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Then you will stay here until you decide to do what I say!" Joey's voice trembled with anger he was fighting to control. For a moment Ella wondered if he had truly expected her to run back into his arms with a glad heart, to thank him for sparing her life.
Joey turned from her and grabbed his blanket roll, rifle and provisions and without another glance back he made for the corridor that led out of the cave. Ella watched after him, not quite believing his reaction, he was leaving her in his cave with no food or water!
She picked up her skirts and began to follow him, but as was always the case with Joey, his steps were certain and fast, he was at the rope before Ella had exited the tunnel. He wrapped the end of the rope around his middle and scaled the rock quickly as Ella rushed forward, trying to clutch onto his legs and pull him back down.
"You can't leave me!" she cried after him as her grasps fell upon cloth and thin air. "You can't leave me here!" But her voice only echoed in the surrounding silence, whether Joey even heard her was debatable as he made no indication he was even aware of her presence.
"Joey please!" Ella knew her voice was desperate, but it was the only thing she had.
As his form vanished over the lip of the crevice Ella continued to stare up, waiting for his face to appear, a smug smile on his lips, knowing that he had frightened her, but above her remained empty and silent save for the cool wind that moaned as it passed into the tunnel. After what seemed hours but may have only been minutes Ella decided to make her way back into the cave, she could at least get warm and think, if she could think she had a chance… it was all she could cling onto.