Chapter 12

"I will admit that was a sad mistake. I just felt that it would be the only way I'd ever be able to walk down an aisle with you. I had some twisted idea of pretending just for that brief time that we were coming back down the aisle after being married ourselves. I knew how wrong it was the moment after the request left my mouth. For just an instant I got the feeling that you were going to refuse, but then you agreed and I was stuck."

"I had thought about turning down your request, but there were two reasons why I didn't. The first was because you wanted me to. I thought that it was something that I could do for you. The second reason was a more personal one. I hoped that if I even symbolically was giving you away to another man, that it might sublimate my desire to have you for my self."

He paused to take a breath before going on, "The night of the engagement party was agony for me. I was glad that you were happy, but not happy that it was because you were marrying someone else. When we danced together it felt so right! I felt like you belonged in my arms, the temptation to beg you to call off the wedding was so strong that it was almost impossible to control. Then at the rehearsal dinner when Harm's plane went down I wondered if it was in someway Karma for my wish, but then I remembered his flying history…no matter the reason, the wedding was postponed and then Brumby left! Even though I knew I had no right to hope, my heart wouldn't listen to reason."

"Why didn't you say something then!" she asked.

She couldn't quite tell if he snorted or gave a short bark of laughter, but his answer stunned her, "I had been thinking about retiring after having a talk with you to see if you had any interest in me at all, but before I could do that, you introduced me to Meredith. I took that as a sign there was no hope at all. My mind told me that you wouldn't introduce me to someone else if you wanted me for yourself."

"That was a mistake! I never meant to 'introduce' you to her!" Mac exclaimed, making air quotes with her fingers. "She had just come by to have lunch with me and the introduction happened by accident."

"I know that now, but it was also about that time you started dating Webb, that made me think about retirement even more. Having Meredith in my life helped some, but I was never truly in love with her. It was more just companionship. That was probably why I allowed myself to neglect her the way I did. Once the engagement ended and that additional buffer between us was gone, I had to get away. It was killing me to see you everyday and not have you truly in my life, so I retired."

"All that was very illuminating, AJ, but you still haven't come right out and said anything more than that you were attracted to me."

"No you don't, Sarah. Even my daughter knew as soon as I got Chloe's letter that I had to get back to you."

"That still doesn't answer my question! You don't do all the things you did for just attraction…" she trailed off hoping he would express his true feelings.

He smiled gently at her prompting and finally gave her the answer she wanted so badly to hear, "I know, and I wasn't really trying to drag this out, I guess that I have kept this secret for so long that it is just a bit hard to say out loud now after all this time. I love you, Sarah Mackenzie! You are the breath in my lungs, the beat of my heart, my reason for living!"

To be continued…..