I'M A DOCTOR, CHAPTER FOUR
Ethan came round and punched at Cal in a fury.
"Look" Cal said, deflecting his stroppy brother's arm expertly, "That doppelganger thing's only if you meet a person with your face, not a portrait. Who was it of anyway?"
"How should I know? I ran back here like buggery!" wailed Ethan, "And why should anybody want a portrait of me anyway?"
"Can't think, with you being Mr Fugly" Iain sneered. He was annoyed because he wanted to go back to 'Bosoms and Butts' and Mr Whiney was stopping him.
Meanwhile, Lofty was still trying not to upset Dylan.
"Where are your pyjamas?" Dylan asked severely.
"Um… I sleep naked."
"So I have to look at your nasty bits swinging around, do I?"
"You needn't look", Lofty said shortly. The strain of not upsetting his hero was getting to him.
Dylan went into the bathroom in his jumper and jeans and came back in his pyjamas.
"Sweet."
"There's nothing wrong with views of the Welsh valley on an item of clothing."
"Sorry. Shall I make us a coffee? I'll put my bathrobe on."
He went into the bathroom to change as Dylan had done, and a face that wasn't his loomed at him out of the mirror.
"Zoe! You've broken my heart!" it wailed.
Lofty slung the bathrobe on hap-hazardly and came running out again.
"Mirror!" he gasped, panting heavily, "Mirror talks."
"Ben, you're as white as a sheet. And that bathrobe's falling off you."
Lofty made an effort and fastened the robe firmly, then moaned:
"It-it says "Zoe, you've broken my heart" in a really whiney voice. And its face comes out of the mirror."
"Sit there" Dylan ordered. Lofty obeyed, trying to get his heart rate and breathing to slow down.
Dylan stomped into the bathroom.
Nothing wrong with the mirror. But in the bath…
Two skeletons sat there and clung to one another.
"Max won't find out, Zoe" said one of them.
"He's coming back!" cried the other skeleton hysterically.
"Walk-in shower for me tonight" Dylan decided. He was a little less nervous than Ben; he'd seen plenty as a Consultant not to be shocked so easily.
Then the two skeletons actually giggled. They began to chant:
"Four, four, four, four,
Who's afraid of number four?"
The number four, in various colours, fonts and sizes, began to materialise in the room. Bouncing off the ceiling, reflected on the door.
Dylan ran out of the bedroom.
"Two sk-sk-skeletons in the bath now" he whimpered, "And they're making the number four dance! All over the room!"
"Show them your cross" suggested Lofty.
"Cross? I'm f***ing furious!" growled Dylan. It was an old joke but it diffused the tension a little.
"Four, four, four, four, Dylan can't take any more" came the chant and the two skeletons walked out of the bathroom, coming purposely towards Dylan, who leapt into bed and pulled the sheets over his head with trembling hands.
Lofty was upset for Dylan to say the least and did a most un-Lofty like thing.
"Shut-the-f**k-up" he bawled, punching out at both skeletons, which shattered at his feet.
He hurried into the bed, and put his arms protectively round Dylan, who clung to him.
Ben loved this but wished it had happened any other way.
"Think of them all as special effects" he said, pretending to be brave.
"Zoe, you've broken my heaaaarrrttttt" wailed the noisiest special effect so far.
"Shut up or I'll smash that mirror and then you'll have to find somewhere else to live", Lofty snapped.
Dylan suddenly noticed how attractive Ben Chiltern was when he was being assertive.
Max floated off crossly to bother somebody else.
Meanwhile, Rita was becoming bored. She'd been hoping that Connie's bedtime routine would be one she could gossip about later, having expected her line manager to slather on lots of face cream, or possibly sleep in one of those silly beauty masks. But Connie had merely showered like everybody else and then put on a little moisturiser, brushed her teeth, and then got into bed with a paperback.
"I can't sleep with the light on" Rita had complained, but Connie had just shrugged impolitely and said:
"The bathroom's free."
Actually the bathroom wasn't, but Connie and Rita weren't due to discover that just yet.
Connie had fallen asleep with her paperback over her face, and Rita had thought "Ah, let her suffocate" and then been sorry. She'd removed the paperback gently and had suddenly realised how prettily Connie slept. No grinding her teeth. No snoring. Just sleeping.
Around two in the morning there was an urgent tapping at their door, which became louder and louder.
"Don't panic, Rita", Connie ordered her.
She grabbed her hairdryer, which was the heaviest thing she could think of, and marched to the door.
"Apparition! Tell me how I can help you!" she called, having read in a book that this was how to calm the angry spirits.
"Um… it's me, Ethan. I've just realised there are apple pies and a microwave. Iain, Cal and I are holding a hot fruit pie party in the kitchen. Dylan and Lofty won't come but Jack's already making tea, and you're invited."
"Ethan! Go to your stupid pie party and let us get some sleep!" bawled Rita, who had a hell of a loud voice for a tiny lady.
Ethan fled.
Rita went to the bathroom and came out screaming.
Moist Tess, still dripping with pond weed, sat in the bath.
"Where are my poor little children?" she wept.
"Rita, what the hell-?"
Rita pointed with a shaking finger.
Connie strode into the bathroom, and ran out, white as a – well, a ghost.
"Let's go down to the hot fruit pie party" she said weakly.
Everyone but Lofty and Dylan was now attending the fruit pie party.
"Okay, who wants custard and who wants ice cream?" Jack beamed at Robyn, who had recovered from her earlier swoon.
"I'll help you hand them out" Robyn grinned.
Everybody sat there with a cup of tea and their pie, even the ones that had seen visions seemed to be able to eat and drink.
"I think we ought to go and knock for Lofty and Dylan. Lofty's too skinny, he needs feeding up" Jack beamed.
"Okay, I'll microwave two more pies" Robyn volunteered.
She set the timer….
…. And round and round went Noel's head, wailing:
"Big MacIntosh let me get my throat slit while he hid in a cowshed!"
Everybody fled the kitchen, screaming.
Meanwhile, Dylan slept with his head on Lofty's chest. The young nurse had held him to comfort him after the skeleton incident, and Dylan had been calmed. Despite the great Fruit Pie Party Horror, they had slept serenely through the night.
Connie was the first to compose herself.
"Meeting in the lounge" she said clearly.
Everybody filed into the lounge, muttering "Connie bossy-arse" and other expletives, while the Ghosts of Redmyres watched them in contempt from their various hiding places.
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