I'M A DOCTOR, CHAPTER EIGHT
Warning: Some naughtier than usual references in this chapter
Jacob shot off for his pee, mainly because he genuinely needed one, mainly because he was dreading the confrontation with Connie. He actually didn't think the people organising the reward would quibble about an extra person being in the hotel, especially as the weather outside was diabolical. But he knew how Connie could be.
He'd almost handed the pizzas to Ethan, then realised the ever-hungry Mr Hardy might gobble the lot, whether or not they were microwaved first. He handed them to somebody who was likely to be neutral about pizza.
"Oh, hello Jacob. You're not on the list of guests, you know. But thanks for the pizzas; I'll freeze them if that head's gone out of the fridge" Dylan said.
Jacob chuckled as he ran to the toilet outside room six. Dylan was pretty comical when he was in that kind of mood.
He refrained from checking out the ornate bathroom and proceeded to get on with the job in hand.
Lofty and Dylan, on their knees stroking Dervla, heard a scream directly above them. Dylan told Lofty to stay where he was and ran to investigate. Jacob was running downstairs, shaking.
"A hand… it came up the toilet bowl and tried to- tried to-"
"You shouldn't show things off if you don't want them pinched" was Cal's deadpan answer.
"I hadn't even taken down my jeans!" retorted Jacob, adding:
"Excuse me."
He ran into the garden and relieved himself in the snow.
Ethan had found the carrier full of dog food.
"I fried four – four! sausages for that little grey glutton!"
"Pot calling kettle except you're not grey" Cal smirked.
"You can always eat some of Dervla's grub instead" Jack told him.
Ethan pulled a face and hoped that half the guests wouldn't want pizza. He'd get half of one if that was the case.
Connie had been out for a walk in the thick snow with Rita, who looked really foxy in her long boots and faux fur hat. But the smile that image had put on Connie's face had long since vanished, and she was more or less dragging Jacob inside the Grange again.
"Your name was not drawn out! If we let down those children because of this, I'll find a way to fire you, especially after what I caught you doing in the garden. Now get your coat back on and leave."
"I had to pee in the snow! A hand came out of the toilet bowl and-"
Jacob would have felt much better if Connie had told him to sober up or stop being stupid. When she just nodded at him, his confidence hit rock-bottom.
"You knew it was haunted, Jacob."
"I didn't believe it before. I'll get moving now."
"Good."
Jacob made his way through the doors and the ornate garden. Five minutes later he was back.
"Well?"
"The-the gate won't open. It's frozen solid."
"Jump over it, Action Man."
Jacob thought of jumping over and noticed how warm the Grange was.
"It's a six mile walk. If I promise to behave can I stay the night?"
"Tonight. Tomorrow you can help Lily, Louise and the Agency staff again."
"Thanks. Which is my room?"
"It turns out that Mr Harper is very fussy about who shares what rooms. You're very lucky; room 11's free."
Little did Connie know just how occupied room 11 would be later.
After a good meal, everybody felt better and the party Connie had suggested got under way. The ghosts actually left the fridge alone for once and Ethan sighed in pleasure as he saw all the fruit pies coming out to be defrosted. As for the main course, there was more than enough for a decent hot and cold buffet. Pizza, quiche, Cal's chicken curry, Lofty's Thai Bites… everybody was volunteering to cook their speciality. There were fruit pies and three kinds of Ben and Jerry's ice cream for dessert. The wine flowed and the songs began.
Cal surprised everybody by being quite competent on the piano.
"Play 'Snowy White Snow and Jingle Bells" Iain insisted.
Everybody groaned, but Cal smiled.
"Caleb Knight, wonder pianist, never refuses a request if he knows the tune."
He played the sentimental tune and Iain began to sing:
"Bosoms and Butts and Slinky Sluts, oh what a combination,
Bosoms and Butts and Slinky Sluts, oh what a magazine!
Bosoms and Butts and Slinky Sluts fills me with exultation,
Bosoms and Butts and Slinky Sluts, lads, you know what I mean."
Rita thumped him but not in a nasty way.
"Where's our version for me and Dylan and Lofty?" Jack demanded.
Lofty, maybe because of his happiness at being reconciled with Dylan, sang cheekily:
"Little tight butts and nibbly nuts…."
Connie gave them a superior but not quite disapproving look. Then she got up and walked out.
"Oh dear, we've upset boss lady" Jacob giggled.
But five minutes later Connie was back. In a sparkly top, in panties and tights, and with a cane she'd borrowed from one of the Redmyres mob. She whispered to Cal, who found the tune quickly as Connie sang, using Jacob as a prop as she flirted round him, finally pushing him away:
"You have to understand the way I am,
Mein Herr.
A tiger is a tiger, not a lamb.
Mein Herr.
You'll never turn the vinegar to jam,
Mein Herr.
So I do...
What I do...
When I'm through...
Then I'm through...
And I'm through...
S*d off, do!
Bye-Bye, Mein Lieber Herr.
Farewell, mein Lieber Herr.
It was a fine affair,
But now it's over.
And though I used to care,
I need the open air.
You're better off without me,
Mein Herr.
Don't dab your eye, mein Herr,
Or wonder why, Mein Herr.
I've always told you I was a rover.
You mustn't knit your brow,
You should have known by now
You'd every cause to doubt me,
Mein Herr."
To his credit, Jacob was laughing as loudly as the others.
In their euphoria at actually having an enjoyable evening, they failed to notice the lack of ghosts this time.
"Me now!" Jack begged. He asked Cal if he knew 'Green Door'. Cal, it seemed, knew everything, and began to play as Jack sang:
"Midnight, one more night without sleeping,
Watching, till the morning comes creeping.
Redmyres, what's that secret you're keeping?
They've got a big piano and Cal plays red-hot, behind the main doors.
Don't know what they do, but Ethan eats a lot behind the main doors.
Wish they'd let me in so I can find out what's behind the main doors.
I saw an eyeball peeking through a hazy cloud, behind the main doors,
When I said "Connie sent me" someone laughed aloud behind the main doors.
All I want to do is join that carefree crowd behind the main doors."
Eventually everybody drifted off to bed, happy with what seemed to be a respite from the Redmyres spectres.
Dylan and Ben were curled up together when a polite little tap came at the door.
"Hello?" Dylan growled.
The nervous voice of a child called:
"Can we come in?"
Dylan motioned to Lofty to put on his bathrobe and go and answer the door.
A little boy and girl stood there, practically transparent.
"Come in" Lofty invited them.
"Bloody spooks are back. Can't you two get through the keyhole?" grizzled Dylan.
"It's bad and rude to come in without being told to."
The two undead children came into the room. The boy said:
"We heard you having a party. It sounded great. We liked the songs; can we sing one for you?"
"What's it about?" Dylan wanted to know.
"It's about being dead and how you haven't got to throw bricks" said the girl.
Dylan groaned inside; it would be one of those ghastly cautionary tales about a child who'd killed somebody with a brick.
"You can sing it but if I tell you it's nasty at any time you have to shut up and go away."
They nodded.
"We're Kiera and Orlando by the way. Here's the song:
"Diddly diddly diddly diddly doooo…."
"That was the introduction" said Keira helpfully. They continued:
"Look at the earthworms, bloody well wriggling, ain't it great to be bloody well dead?
Look at the mourners, bloody well giggling, ain't it great to be bloody well dead?
We come from clay and return to it again so don't chuck a brick, it might be your Auntie Jane.
Look at me widow! Thinks she'll be wealthy! Ain't it great to be bloody well dead?
Look at the vicar! Taking a selfie! Ain't it great to be bloody well dead?"
Kiera curtseyed and Orlando bowed.
"You little buggers" Dylan said, unable to hide his mirth.
Then Keira's face became deadly serious.
"Please will you help our Uncle Jonathan? Everybody thinks he killed us and he didn't. A very bad man killed us and made people think it was Uncle Jonathan. But it wasn't. He loved us and he's still sad. The bad man wanted him to go to prison so he couldn't have our money and the bad man got it all."
Lofty's soft heart went out to them at once.
"What's the name of the bad man?" he asked.
"Harry Harper" said Orlando.
Just then there was a sickening scream from room 11.
Jacob appeared in the doorway, carrying Connie, who had actually fainted.
Jacob himself was looking as if he wanted to throw up.
"B-Biffo Redmyres came h-home" he stuttered.
Biffo? Lofty and Dylan tried to remember which he was. And shivered.
The Tram Man.