Doc seemed to finally see Ella's outstretched hand and quickly wiped at his cheeks before taking it into his own hand, kissing her palm sweetly with trembling lips. She took a breath, feeling the strange weight and pain still present within her chest, but more pronounced and through a hazy mindset she settled on the fact that they had not been able to get the bullet out, although she felt the soft presence of bandages.

"You've been out cold for near thirty minutes" Doc said, trying to quell the tremor in his voice.

Ella gave a leaden nod and wetted her dry lips. "Where's Maria?" she asked, finding that her old friend was not in the room. She was surprised by just how strained and croaky her voice sounded.

Doc hesitated as if words were difficult and looking at her directly was wounding him. His eyes flicked down to the ground before he once again looked at her.

"Maria went out to get Joey an' bring him home" Call finally said, feeling as if speech was needed to chase the stagnant silence away.

Ella again nodded, not wanting to hear that strange frail voice that seemed to have come from her a moment ago. It was only a few seconds later that the door was pushed open and Maria reentered the building with two vaqueros carrying Joey.

"Put my son on the pallet near the window" she ordered softly.

The vaqueros obeyed and were paid with some food and what was left of Billy's whiskey. They left the small abode with high spirits. Maria turned to Ella and Doc, she placed a hand upon Doc's shoulder and squeezed gently before walking up to Ella and taking a clean cloth, dipping it into the now lukewarm water of the pot and bathing her sweat beaded brow. She gave a warm smile down at her young friend whose eyes held a tired, exhausted light to them.

Ella tried to smile but found that the pain renewed and suddenly overwhelmed her, the expression only lasted a fleeting moment, the light that a smile would have summoned to her face was lost. "I guess I should have left sooner, stayin' around when I shouldn't always did bring me trouble." She tried to joke, her voice breathless and distressing to those about her. She lifted up her free hand and wrapped it around her friend's. "Maria" she whispered, chancing another small smile. Ella wanted to say more but found that words failed her, she could think of nothing to say.

She then turned her full attention to Doc, who still clutched at her hand. She couldn't stop the welling of burning tears in her eyes no matter how much she wished she could be brave in this moment, but she was afraid, so terribly afraid. The question demanded to be asked and she feared the answer, feared she already knew it. She felt Maria let go of her and heard her footsteps recede, giving the couple a moment of relative space.

"Am I dyin'?" The question came out in a sob.

Ella looked directly at Doc as his handsome face crumpled beneath a weight of grief. He pressed his lips together as if a loud sob or scream wanted to burst forth as the tears slid unrelentingly down his face once more. All he could manage was a gruff sob as he tried to control himself through his breathing.

Ella reached up to her brow and placed her palm upon it, feeling the warm, clammy skin beneath her fingers… She was suddenly surrounded by the morbid thought that she would never feel her own skin again, never smile, never laugh, never cry… it was over, she was over. She gave a breathless cry of anguish and allowed the tears to run down her cheeks. Her thoughts lingered upon never expecting to die, not like this, not shot up like some rough man with a gun at his hip… Illness, old age, these things she could fathom but this… she'd never expected this…

She covered her mouth with her hand as silent sobs shook her body and Doc moved his position, propping her gently up in his arms as Maria pressed blankets at her back so she could sit up a little. Ella clutched onto Doc as he held her and the pain gave a new jolt at her position being adjusted. But the pain didn't seem to matter, nothing really mattered now.

Doc pressed her close to him and held her as one holds their dearest beloved and as she breathed in his scent, heard his shallow breaths caused by sorrow and tears, she seemed to regain herself a little. She had never considered herself a strong woman, a brave woman or a smart one but she knew right now she had to pull herself together, for Maria, Tessie, Rafael… and for Doc, the kind, handsome man who had wanted her as his wife despite all her shortcomings, she owed him so much and she had to do this. Ella forced herself to swallow down the fear, she'd always believed in God, in heaven… she tried to console her mind with the thought that it all awaited her, it was just another path… still the fear nestled in the back of her mind waiting for its chance to engulf her again, she knew she couldn't allow that, she would not be able to pull herself back again…

Doc finally allowed her body to rest back down. He looked into her face, his eyes searching, burning an imprint of her into his memory. Her tears had abated and her look had become calm but the colour was gone from her cheeks, her complexion now ashen. Ella reached up weakly and lightly covered his eyes, before allowing him to look at her again. She shook her head slowly.

"Don't remember me like this" she breathed, feeling the renewed taste of blood at the back of her throat, thicker and more pungent somehow, waiting to bubble up and fill her mouth. "Remember me as I was, when I was happy… when I was with you." The words surprised herself, they sounded so noble, so distant from the panic that was inside… but she was so tired…

Doc took her hand in his and laid feathered kisses across her skin as he fought back a new wave of tears. He looked up, connecting with her eyes fully, his sorrow contained for the time being.

"I tried" he said sadly, wiping absently at his tear filled eyes. "The bullet's too deep an'… it's in too deep Ella, I can't do anythin', no one can." He paused and placed his palms upon her cheeks. "It was my bullet, I shot you." His blue eyes swam with self loathing and hatred. "I killed you." His voice wavered.

Ella wrapped a slender hand about his wrist. "No" she said, shaking her head. "It ain't your fault… it's Joey's fault, it's my fault." She glanced at the body of the bandit nearby. It was wet, bedraggled and bloody, bearing a red mark about his neck. Maria had already started to pull off his wet clothing, her mind wanting to dwell upon anything apart from what was happening in the room and the fact that she would soon be losing another member of her family. Ella returned her gaze to Doc. "I wish I could go back and do things different" she said breathlessly, her voice raspy. Each breath she took was a huge effort and her awareness of the words she was speaking seemed to fade in and out of her mind as if she'd drank too much liquor.

Doc smiled softly, his eyes still holding the weight of great sorrow. "We all wish that Ella" he said comfortingly. "It ain't your fault though, you ain't got any blame."

Ella gave a small huff of laughter. "You never did see my flaws Doc."

Doc smiled weakly.

"I… I'm afraid t' die" she said softly. "I guess I may go t' hell for all the wrong I've done, be tormented for all time… by him." Her eyes flicked to Joey, she had half meant it as a joke but Doc forced her to look at him, guiding her face gently with his palm.

"You done a lot of good too Ella, you are not a sinner or a wicked woman, you're goin' to a good place you hear me, one where he ain't gonna be."

Ella smiled a soft whisper of a smile. "See," she said in mock scolding, "you never see any flaws." She paused, her expression becoming serious. "But I can't rest knowing you'll be blaming yourself Josiah." She uttered his rarely used real name and Doc looked at her squarely, his lips parting a little in surprise.

"You ain't called me that since…" He trailed off, his eyes boring into hers, speaking of a small secret lying between just them, a secret that had been buried and both had sworn never to repeat.

Ella grinned weakly, it didn't seem to matter now, secrets were just dust in the wind. "Since that night in White Oaks" she finished, her eyes telling him clearly that it was alright to speak of such things. "An' if you rightly remember Mr. Scurlock, I said your name many times." She smiled and took in a deeper breath wincing at the pain.

Doc gave a low laugh at the woman before him, who even now had the wit and humor she had always possessed. His eyes burned with fond memories, whispered words and heartfelt confessions. "I knew I loved you that night." He paused. "I think I loved you from the start, I just didn't want to force you to see what I felt."

Ella touched his hand lightly. "I wish I'd seen it, I wish I'd known what real love was… things could've been so different between us." She gently caressed his arm. "I don't think I knew what I wanted apart from out of the work I was doin'… I was selfish, still am."

Doc shook his head. "You're not as selfish as you think" he said comfortingly and then silence shrouded the room.

"I wish I could do something Ella, I feel so useless" Doc blurted, as if the silence was unbearable.

"There is somethin' you can do for me, two things." She gave another breathless smile. "Take Maria from here to the homestead we had planned… take her children an' Call an' live a good life."

Doc hesitated in his reply, he didn't want to dwell on a life without her by his side, it was unthinkable.

"I know you Doc, I know you'll just go an' get drunk every night after this… once I'm gone." The last word sent a shiver through her body. "Promise me you'll take them and not be alone."

Doc nodded. "I promise." He felt he had no choice, he knew he couldn't keep Ella here, he had no power over that… but he also knew she was right, she knew him too well.

Ella smiled at her small triumph and once again glanced at Maria, who with Teresa's help had managed to strip Joey of his wet clothing and was now finishing doing up the buttons on his clean shirt. Ella noticed that the shirt was the same cream coloured thick cotton shirt she had repaired so many months ago, it seemed a world away and the girl who had darned that hole had been more naive than she had ever imagined. She turned her attention back to Doc.

"What's the second thing Ella?" Doc asked, taking her thoughts away from the past.

Ella swallowed hard, talking was becoming hard and uncomfortable as her chest seemed to constrict like she was wearing a corset too tightly laced. "I don't want you blamin' yourself for all this."

Doc shook his head on impulse. "It was my bullet Ella."

Ella quickly reached up and touched his lips, silencing him. The rapid movement brought new pain and her hand fell limply back to rest upon her stomach.

"Do you remember what you asked me in White Oaks?" Ella asked.

Doc gave a small nod. "I asked you what your real name was…" He paused, his mouth twitching with a half forgotten smile. "You said you'd been asked that so many times that you'd never tell anyone, it was your soul…" He paused once more, his eyes filling with tears. "You said your name was your soul."

Ella smiled and beckoned for him to bend closer. "I wouldn't give my soul to the man I blamed for my death" she whispered slowly. "You can be its keeper, you already have my heart and now my soul… my name is…" She paused, enjoying the game despite the dire situation. "It's Stella Coralee" she whispered.

Doc moved and looked at her fully, his eyes bearing surprise and confusion.

"If everyone thought the name I had wasn't real then it was in the safest place, right?" She tried to grin but the expression didn't fully come into being.

Doc gave a small laugh. "I guess so." He placed a hand softly upon her cheek. "You never stop surprising me Ella."

She gave a small smile, she felt so tired. She allowed her gaze to fall upon Joey once again who was now dressed, his hair partly dry and combed into silken strands that lay upon a pillow beneath his head. The waxen pallor of his skin and the red ring about his neck were the only tell-tale signs that he no longer drew breath.

"He looks so small" she mumbled to no one in particular. Indeed he did look small, small, weak and helpless lying upon the pallet, clean and in his best clothing. It was quite startling to think he had killed so many, ruined lives and played a part in bringing her own to an untimely end. It seemed almost preposterous to think that such an angelic looking young man had held such a dark monster inside him, a beast he had lost control of a long time ago. Ella suddenly found herself wishing that he wasn't dead, not yet… that he still breathed, his wounds slowly draining the life out of him in the same way her own worked on her. Perhaps she wouldn't be so fearful if he had gone with her; if she hadn't been alone it would somehow have made her feel better. But she was alone… even if he had been here he would not have experienced what she was going through… In the end, Ella thought, everyone ends up alone even if they are in a room full of people, death made everyone isolated.

She glanced back at Doc, her thoughts slowly reminding her that she had been talking to him. "Promise me that you won't blame yourself" she said, her voice less than a whisper, demanding his answer to her second request.

Doc gave a slow nod. "I promise you" he said, bending and kissing her forehead.

She gave a weak smile at Doc's pained expression. "It's okay," she stated softly, "it doesn't hurt so much no more." Her words surprised even herself, she'd spoken without any thought and she quickly realized that it was the truth; she couldn't feel the agony her wound had been causing her. It felt as if a freezing cold sensation had begun to snake its way up her body, leaving her feeling numb.

"Ella." Doc chocked on the word, his eyes once again filling with tears. "It's not okay" he spluttered. "Nothin's okay and this ain't fair!"

The sight of his tears spurred her own into being and they fell hot and wet onto her cheeks. "No, it's not fair" she whispered, her composure lost at witnessing the man she loved already mourning her loss. "None of this is fair."

Doc found he couldn't reply, the emotion was too strong and felt like it was a wall pushing him backwards preventing him from taking her in his arms and consoling her. She took in a breath, knowing she had to quell her sobs; tears couldn't be the last thing they saw of her.

"Will you hold me Doc?" she asked, her voice shaky, allowing the self indulgent pity she felt to take over. She could feel the blood clogging her mouth, each time she was forced to swallow more of the tangy liquid and it had begun to hurt her throat, she knew she didn't have much longer.

Doc scooped her gently into his arms and held her close. "I'm gonna take you with me, you hear, I ain't leavin' you."

She could feel his warm tears falling onto her bare shoulder. She shook her head feebly. "No, leave me here, I don't want t' leave, it's my home…" She whispered quietly, knowing in her heart that the real reason was because he would never let her go if he had her wooden cross staring at him every day.

Doc didn't reply and Ella knew he would obey her last wishes. Ella clutched at his form with her remaining strength as he comfortingly stroked her hair. "Do you remember in White Oaks." Doc's soothing voice gently invaded her thoughts, making her dwell on nothing but its sound. "There was that big old oak down by the stream that Jane used to make everyone go out to and picnic when the weather was heady and warm, an' all you could smell was the summer flowers from the plains." He gave a small pause as Ella made a small contented sound. "You used t' make me smile so much, jokin' and teasin' Tommy, and me too sometimes… You'd dip your feet in the water, uncaring if anyone saw your undergarments. Billy once threatened to throw you in when you took the last cake, remember?" Doc paused, smiling in his own memories. "But Dave and me, we told him we'd throw him in first; we were always so protective of you even though you rarely needed it… an' that night… that night… I just knew I couldn't be with anyone like I was with you… I think even if you'd stayed with Dave I would've found a way to make you see… that night changed everything for me, it gave me meaning and made me want t' better myself." Ella began to feel strangely heavy as if her limbs had suddenly become cramped and useless, she felt like she couldn't breathe and her body spasmed weakly. Each breath was becoming a gargled effort, she felt as though she was slowly drowning and had the clear realization she was, her own body was drowning her from inside… and the darkness that had been lurking in the corner of her vision began to crawl in, shadowing her gaze. "I just knew I loved you Ella," Doc continued, "from then on I knew, an' I always will no matter if you go where I can't follow, I'll carry on lovin' you…"

Doc hugged her close. "Ella?" He had only just become aware that her hands no longer pressed against his back and her body had become limp in his arms. He felt Maria's hand upon his shoulder.

"She is gone" she said in a shaky voice, only just managing to contain her own sorrow as Teresa began to wail and clutch at her mother's skirts. "She is gone…"

A/N I laid it on pretty thick huh? haha Maybe a little too sappy and too cliched, but I liked writing it xD