Hello! You have arrived at the "new" stuff (as of 2/29/16). And in fact, the only reason you're getting this update right now is because I have this strange compulsion to post something on this leap day. There is a final scene to this story in which everything will be resolved, and it will be coming in a couple of days. But for now, you get this. Whether that's a good thing or not is up for you to decide. :P

A/N: Pretty mild. Only warnings are for some bad language and a heart to heart between Olivia and Eli. Quotes from a sorta fairytale by tori amos and vindicated by dashboard confessional.

As always, I'd love to hear what you think! Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read and/or comment, and I'll 'see' you again soon with the conclusion.

{and I'm so sad
like a good book I can't put this day back}

"Hey."

You sigh before you can catch yourself and hope he doesn't hear you. The kids were finally in bed after a long day of sulking, and you yourself were just about to turn off the lamp and close your eyes when you heard Elliot's voice. "What is it?"

"Hello to you too," he says, sitting down at the opposite end of the couch from where you are.

"El, I'm tired. And I told you- what Eli asked, I don't wanna talk about it. He didn't know; it's not his fault."

"And I still think he should've apologized, but that's not what..."

"What you've been sulking about all evening?" He opens his mouth and you nod before he can say anything. "Yes, you have. Now I know where the boys picked it up from."

"I didn't want to get in an argument with you in front of them."

"Why do we have to get into an argument at all?" you ask, although you realize that at this point it's already too late to stop it.

"Why did I get a text from Kathy telling me that the two of you 'decided' you're not going to Eli's communion? Where was I when all this decision making was going on?"

"You took Eli and Noah out so I could talk to her, remember?"

"But I didn't know that's what you wanted to- I thought it was about the baby."

"Well, it kinda is." You rub the bridge of your nose, trying not to think about how nice it would be to have a glass of wine or a cup of coffee or even a goddamn Tylenol right now. Anything to soothe this headache. "Whether you want to admit it or not, having me show up there obviously pregnant might cause a bit of a...distraction."

"Because you'll be the first unmarried pregnant woman to step foot in church? I hate to break it to you, but-"

"Elliot, that's not even what I'm saying. The people there know you, they know why you got divorced- not to mention Kathy's whole extended family, who were already giving me the evil eye back at Eli's baptism when all we did is work together- look. This is supposed to be a day for your family to celebrate-"

"Is that what Kathy said to you?"

You would roll your eyes if it wasn't excruciatingly painful. "No. That's what I said to Kathy. I mean, your divorce hasn't even been official for a year. Eli's still adjusting, especially now with the baby-"

"So at what point are you going to be joining 'my family'? By the time Eli graduates high school? By the time he gets married?"

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"No, I don't. When we were partners, you were always there when the kids had some big milestone. So why does that change now?"

"A lot of things have changed since then," you point out. "This is for Eli's sake, okay? I'm already not his favorite person, and I don't want to ruin his big day by starting drama just by being there."

"You think I'd let that happen? Because if anyone says a word to you, swear to God I'll-"

"This is what I mean by starting drama, El. I want you to enjoy the time with your family and not have to worry about defending me."

"There you go with this 'your family' shit again. Who exactly is included in my family? If you're not...then Noah's not? What about when this one's born?" he asks, gesturing to your stomach. "Who's he belong to?"

"Elliot. Stop."

"I don't want to play this yours and mine and ours game, Olivia. So when you're ready to commit to this, to us being a family, why don't you just let me know."

"You're seriously going to question whether or not I'm committed while I'm pregnant with your child?" you ask, and for the first time since you moved in together, you're cursing not being able to throw him out at will. "When I've already asked you to adopt Noah? Think about what you're saying here."

He ignores you, standing up and shaking his head as he looks down at the floor. "You couldn't just talk to me about all this, huh? So instead you go behind my back and start conspiring with my ex-wife?"

"There's no conspiracy here! It affects her too, you know, and I have every right to...I don't need your permission to have a conversation with her. Especially when it's about something I've tried to bring up with you several times and every time you brush me off." It's true, mostly. You have tried, and he has brushed you off. But when he has, you've just let it go, whereas normally you wouldn't let him get away with that. And you tell yourself that you shouldn't have to, that he's the one in the wrong and he should be more willing to listen, and you try not to think about all the reasons why you're scared of him trying to dig deeper to get at the root of this.

"What is it about this that bothers you so much?" he asks, but it's less I want to understand and more whatever it is, you're being unreasonable, and he's sure as hell not going to get anything out of you that way. "It doesn't make sense. You never had a problem showing up when the kids had something going on before."

"Yeah, you already said that. And I told you...back then, I was just your partner. That's completely different than being in a room full of people who probably think that I was some unstable pity fuck who went and wrecked your family."

"Liv, for one thing, that's- since when do you care what total strangers think?"

"It's not just strangers. I...maybe your mom will come. It'd be good for you guys, good for Eli to see his grandma. And she sure as hell won't show up if I'm there." You hadn't expected Bernie to react so negatively, first to the news of Elliot's divorce and then to his announcement that she was about to become a grandmother again. Her relationship with her son had improved slightly over the last half-dozen years or so, but they still mostly stayed out of each other's lives, hence your surprise at her strong disapproval.

"You know you can't plan around what she may or may not do. It's always a crapshoot at best, whether or not she'll actually make it to anything."

"What about your kids?" you ask. "I haven't seen any of them but Eli since they found out about the baby and- I don't want things to get awkward, I know they're probably still not thrilled."

"They're not...they were surprised, that's all, but I guess you wouldn't know because you weren't there."

"Oh no. That was a decision we both made, so don't act like it's my fault." Not knowing how Elliot's older children would respond when they found out about their new sibling, the two of you decided it would be best if he talked to them on his own, in hopes that they would be honest with him if they didn't have to worry about sparing your feelings. "I don't understand why you're making such a huge deal out of this, Elliot, it's-"

"Because this isn't how families work! You don't just-"

"Thank you," you say in a louder voice than you intended, standing up abruptly and trying to hide how you're thrown slightly off balance, "for reminding me that no, I don't know how families work. Just like I don't know how to deal with brothers who're fighting or clean up after a toddler or do any of a thousand other things that you've told me I'm doing wrong. I'm not this perfect-"

"Maaaaaa!" You hear a wail coming from the nursery- Noah must've been woken up by the sound of your fighting, and he's obviously quite unhappy about it. Great.

"I'll go get him," Elliot decides. "You're tired, and-"

"I'm fine, and I can take care of my son just fine," you tell him, purposely emphasizing the 'my son' as you storm off, wondering how you'll be able to get your point across in a few months when you'll be doing less storming and more waddling.

Noah is waiting for you when you open the door to his room, standing up with his arms folded on the top of the crib railing and whimpering to himself. At almost two years of age, he usually sleeps through the night without complaint, but the one thing that's sure to rouse him is any sign of distress from you. Maybe it's a holdover from the early days where the two of you seemed to take turns waking each other up in hysterics. Whatever it is, he's snoozed through Eli bouncing a basketball on the other side of the wall without even blinking an eye, but you swear you've heard him start to fuss when you were crying silently at the opposite end of the apartment.

"It's okay, Momma's okay," you promise him, groaning under your breath as you reach over to pick him up. He's not convinced; still sniffling into your shirt until you sit down on the daybed next to his crib and cuddle him on your lap. "We're okay, you and me. Right?"

"Riii," he answers, yawning and rubbing at his eyes before clutching your sleeve in his tiny fist.

Once again, you ignore your better judgment and decide he can stay snuggled up to you until he falls back asleep. You know that consistency is important, especially now that he's old enough to understand your established routine, but just for tonight it won't hurt for him to be out of the crib. (AKA, you need it more than he does).

What you told Elliot is true. You don't know how families work. And maybe that's what created such a strong bond between you and Noah in the first place, even before he was 'yours'- that both of you were misfits out on your own in the world. For the first 32 years of your life, your definition of family didn't extend much further than yourself and your mother. Mom was already the less favored daughter seemingly from birth, and an out of wedlock pregnancy only enlarged the wedge between her and your grandparents, a divide which then spilled over into your relationship with them even when you were too young to understand why. You looked different from the rest of them with their fair skin and dark blonde hair, but it didn't take you long to figure out that it ran deeper than looks. They hate me, your mother had told you when you couldn't have been more than seven, adding some offhand platitude about how they still loved you before launching back into a spiel about how Grandma and Grandpa were terrible people and how lucky you were to have a parent like her. You and me, we're all each other has, she said. Can't trust anybody else.

But now, at the age of 47, you've somehow found yourself surrounded by people you have come to trust. You've got a son who's officially yours after 12 months of uncertainty and a little bean on the way, a near-miracle who's healthy and growing despite all odds. You finally have- dare you even say it- a family. And not just any family. You go to sleep every night next to the person you've loved for a third of your life but never thought you would actually be with, and now all of a sudden you're a part of the family you spent so many years watching through the metaphorical window, wishing you belonged there.

But are you really a part of it? Or will you always be sort of an also-ran, you and 'your' kids who are destined to never quite fit in by virtue of their birth? The baby will have a slight advantage, being Elliot's biological child, but he or she will still have you as a mother. As will Noah, who eventually will have to learn the unfortunate truth about his birth parents that everyone else knows. Your heart already aches for him when you think about the day he realizes that he's different than his step-siblings and his younger half-brother or sister, when he's old enough to grasp what being 'dotted', as he calls it, actually means.

And of course, that's not even considering how someday he and Little Bean will learn to use the almighty Google, and when they type in your name (as they inevitably will), they'll find pages and pages of results with a video clip of you confessing to attempted murder displayed right at the top of page one.

It's pretty damning...but not when you consider that the worst things about you aren't even posted online. And yet, they'll still find out. Secrets never stay that way for very long.

Noah's deep, steady breathing signals to you that he's fast asleep, so you decide it's time to carry him over to the crib and get him tucked in before he can wake up again. You lie back down on the daybed and close your eyes, listening to the sound of his soft snoring until it's interrupted by the click of the doorknob.

You quickly turn over onto your side and face the wall. "Liv?"

Ignoring Elliot as he whispers your name in the dark, you keep your eyes squeezed shut and hold perfectly still, hoping that he'll think you're sleeping and leave you alone.

"Liv, c'mon. I know you're awake." You can hear him sit down on the floor next to you and feel his hand coming to rest between your shoulder blades. "We don't have to talk. But will you just listen to me?"

You want to say no, give him the excuse that he'll wake Noah, but in the end you don't have the energy to do anything except nod.

"I just want you to know that I love you," he says. "That you are the one I chose, not Kathy, and nothing's gonna make me change my mind about that. Nothing. I made the right choice, cause I'm sure this is where I'm supposed to be- this is always where I was supposed to be. There's no getting rid of me now." You can feel the warm puffs of air tickling the nape of your neck as he laughs, then presses his lips against your hair. "Love you."

He pauses, and you know he's probably not expecting you to say anything, but he's giving you the chance anyway. You want to reach behind you, to search out his hand and hold it in your own as a silent promise. But when you try to move, your muscles disobey you, and you're left biting down on your lip to silence your tears as he walks away.

{I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well}

"Livia?"

You look up from the kitchen table that you're scouring for the third time today (how did you not notice all these watermarks before now?) to find Eli watching you. "Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course, what's up?" He and Elliot had only been home from church for about 20 minutes, so your first instinct was to wonder what you've done wrong by him in that short amount of time, but he doesn't seem to be as sullen as he was yesterday. Serious, but not sullen.

"Not in here," he says. "It's confidential."

You make a silent 'oh' with your mouth, looking over at Elliot. "Should we get your dad?"

"I said, confidential."

"Right, got it. Hey El- can you keep an eye on Noah for a minute?"

He gives you a frown as if to ask what's going on, but you just shrug and he nods. "Sure thing."

"So what did you want to talk about?" You close the door to your bedroom and sit down on the bed next to Eli, who still has the same serious expression on his face.

"I wanted to say sorry about yesterday. For asking about your arms."

That was certainly not what you were expecting. "Ohh...did your dad tell you that you needed to apologize?"

"No," Eli snorts, as if it's ludicrous to think he would take orders from Elliot. "Father Tony said I should at Confession."

"That's very sweet of you, and I accept your apology, but I know you weren't meaning to be rude. You were just worried, yeah?"

"Yeah. But I made you cry."

"It's okay, honey, it's not your fault. Pregnant ladies cry all the time." When he looks skeptical, you try a new tactic. "I got those scars a long time ago from...an accident at work."

His eyes widen with interest. "Were you chasing a bad guy? Did you get him?"

"I did," you say, grateful that he's come up with his own explanation. "And he's dead now, so he can't hurt anybody else. But sometimes it still makes me sad to think about."

He lifts up his chin, pointing to a little scar underneath it. "I have a scar too! I fell down the stairs and I had to go to the hospital and get stitches and I was scared and it was bleeding a lot. But it doesn't make me sad, cause I remember that everyone said how brave I was and the nurse brought me strawberry frozen yogurt because I didn't cry when I got a shot. So I don't think you should be sad either, since you were really brave and caught a bad guy."

"You know what? I think you're right," you agree- because in a way, he has a point- and you blink hard a few times because the last thing you need right now is to freak the little boy out by crying again.

"Yeah, I am...but I should try to be nicer to you. Father Tony said that too."

"This has been really hard for you, huh? Your mom and dad splitting up, and your dad moving here with me, and now with the baby...that's a lot of changes."

"Well. It's okay that Mom and Daddy got divorced. Because I think they like each other more when they don't talk a lot," and that's probably an accurate assessment, "but I wish Dad didn't get a different family." He instantly looks chastened before you can even reply. "Sorry."

"Oh honey...your dad didn't get a different family." Once again, he's not buying what you're selling. "But I know how it feels when things change. You know my friend Nick?"

"Yeah! He likes painting like I do!"

"He does! And I love him very much- but when I first met him, I was kinda mean. I was really sad that I wasn't working with your dad anymore, and I didn't want to work with a new person, even though it wasn't Nick's fault that your dad was gone."

"That *is* mean."

"It was. But eventually...I realized Nick wasn't gonna replace your dad. Both of them are special to me for different reasons, and now both of them are part of my family. Even Nick, even though I miss him now that he's so far away...my family's just getting bigger and more spread out. Kinda like yours is. You're still part of your dad's family even though he lives here now, I promise."

Eli's brows are furrowed in thought as he considers this. "So are we family?"

"I hope so. I want us to be."

"Are you and Mom family?"

"Uh...I guess we are, in a way. You, and your dad, and your brothers and sisters are all important to both of us."

He nods. "I think Mom's jealous that Dad lives here with you."

"Well, I guess...it's not always easy when a family grows. Even though it makes me happy, it's hard for me sometimes too. When I was a kid, it was just me and my mom, so I'm not used to having a family this big. I don't always know what to do."

"You can ask me," he offers. "I know lots about it."

"Y'know, I might have to take you up on that. Because I really want us all to be happy here, and I want you to feel like this is your family too, even if you don't always live with us."

"Mom told me maybe I can come stay here for a whole month next summer."

"Would you like that?"

"Yeah!" He pauses. "Can I bring Dory?"

"That is something you're going to have to talk to your dad about. But I know the three of us would really like having you here too. And I'll be busy with the baby, so I bet you and your dad will have lots of time to go out and do things together."

"With Noah?"

"I guess that depends on what you're doing...but Noah would be awfully excited to come with you guys. He thinks it's pretty cool to hang around with a big kid like you."

"Are you going to come to my first communion?" he asks suddenly.

"Oh. Well. Am I invited?"

"Maybe."

"Just maybe?"

He nods. "If you don't bring Noah. He won't be reverent and the rest of us can't think about God then."

"Got it," you say, chuckling a little in surprise- both at his explanation and his readiness to have you there. "I was going to have Lucy watch him anyway, he's a little too young for church."

"Are you and Dad going to get married?"

"Wow, uh...do you think we should?"

He gives you a disappointed look, like this should be obvious. "If you get married, everyone gives you presents. At Maureen's wedding, she got a ton of stuff!"

"That is a pretty good reason- but I don't think we're going to get married just yet. Right now we've got lots to do to get ready for the baby."

"Oh yeah. The baby."

"What do you think about having a new brother or sister?" He shrugs apathetically and you decide to approach this from another angle. "You know, I'm kinda worried about Noah. Do you think he'll be jealous when there's a little one around here?"

"Probably."

"Yeah? What do you think I should do about that?"

"Hmm...you should buy him presents. And spend lots of time with him, and tell him not to worry cause pretty soon everyone gets tired of the baby. They do!" he insists when he sees you trying to hide a smile. "When Benjamin was born, at first everyone wanted to see him all the time but then they realized all babies do is cry and poop, so then they weren't as excited anymore and everything kinda went back to normal."

"I think that's very good advice. I'm glad Noah will have you around to teach him all about being a big brother, because I don't want him to get upset thinking that we won't love him as much once he has a new sibling."

"That's dumb," he scoffs, "cause everyone can love lots of people. But I think that, after this, you probably shouldn't have any more babies."

"No? How come?"

"You and Dad are kinda old. You're like...40 or somethin'. And you don't have room in your apartment for another kid."

"You're right about that. Hopefully by next summer, we'll move to a bigger place," you say. You've already started looking at real estate listings to get an idea of what's out there- you'd love to find something big enough for all three kids to have their own bedrooms. In order for that to happen, though, you'll most likely need to win the lottery. The odds are slim, but stranger things have definitely happened in your life... "So Eli- do you think we're okay now, you and me?"

"Yeah, we're good." And you're not going to fool yourself into thinking that you've reached some sitcom-style resolution where you hug and the studio audience goes 'Aww' because everyone has learned a valuable life lesson and you'll never have to revisit this issue again, but it feels like progress. Like you've come to an understanding, at least for today.

"That makes me really happy to hear. You've always been special to me, know that? Ever since the day you were born."

"Livia, don't get all mushy like my mom," he pleads. "I'm gonna go now, I told Noah I'd play cars with him after church."

"That's a nice thing for to you do, hon. Go on, I'm sure he's waiting."

Eli gets up and then stops before he can open the door, hand on the knob. "Oh, Livia? If you come to church with us, will you wear something gay?"

"Will I- what?"

"You know, a skirt or dress or something like my mom always wears to church. I only ever see you wear pants."

"Eli...what do you think gay means?" you ask, remembering the day before when he had scolded Noah for playing with a 'gay' doll.

He gives you the look of a seven year old who can't believe how taxing it is to interact with adults. "It's like, girly stuff. Things girls like."

"Mmm. Not quite. But that's something for you to talk to your mom or dad about," you add quickly. "In the meanwhile, just promise me you won't use that word?"

He nods before dashing off. "Kay. Hey Dad? Dad!"

{all in all was a pretty nice day}