A/N

I'm so sorry it's taken me months to update. This story will be finished within a few more chapters. I was unsure whether to carry on this story after Ella's death but, to me, it felt unfinished. If I was reading a story like this, I would want to know about the aftermath and what happened to the other characters. I hope you'll agree and not feel I'm dragging it out. Also I love writing flashbacks and.. more Joey I hear some of you ask? There just might be a little more Joey hehe

Doc sat in the small candle lit room on a bitterly cold night. The wind was billowing loud and shrill outside, almost sounding like forlorn moaning, a noise that seemed to echo the despair in his own heart. A few hours ago he had lost the only person who had meant anything to him since the old days when he had been part of a family of misfits and outcasts employed by an Englishman, John Tunstall, to protect his cattle and his life. John had been the only person to see anything good in Doc, to see he wasn't like the rough, uncaring men that seemed to populate the area of Lincoln, New Mexico. Doc had grown up in a shack, the unwanted child of a worn out whore and a bad tempered miner. He'd been left to himself at a very young age, his only solace had been a worn out book his mother had. His mother had once been a respectable woman, she could read and write well enough but life had made her into a coarse uncaring person, it was her firm view that she hadn't been given any kindness so why should she give it to anyone else, even her own child.

The book had been her father's before he'd passed away, leaving her alone with no means of support. The front title had long since worn to flakes of leather but the name could still be made out, 'Shakespeare.' Whenever his mother was in a good enough mood, she would teach him to read and write from that book, not for the enjoyment of seeing her child learn but to relive past times when she herself was learning from the book. Doc knew she held no warmness for him, no love, and he quickly left when he turned fourteen. He'd wandered aimlessly for a while doing odd jobs on any ranches he came upon to keep food in his belly. In his twentieth year he had met John who had just travelled over from London. The two men soon became fast friends and John was only too eager to share his knowledge and books as well as offer Doc a position on his ranch. It had been the first steady life Doc had ever known and the first real family.

Just thinking about the old boys now made the grief of his current situation seem to smart all the worse. He gave a grim smile as he remembered each face: Dick, stoic and steadfast; Dirty Steve and his coarse language and reluctance to have a bath; Charlie, his bashful, cheeky grin and loyalty to his friends; Chavez, his closest and truest friend, the man he owed his life to for many reasons; and Billy Bonney, a man that most people around the country knew as 'Billy the Kid', a man who stuck by his pals and drew people to him with his natural charm. Only Doc and Chavez were left now of the old Regulators. John Tunstall, the man that had given him a new lease on life had been murdered by a rival general store owner, a murder that had provoked all the boys to turn to lives on the run to avenge the wrongs done. Dick had been shot by a man they were trying to arrest, Dirty Steve had died at the McSween's house during a siege, along with many dear friends, and then all had gone quiet for a few years. The lull had almost fooled them all that it was over, that they could all finally stop running and lead normal lives. Many lazy days had passed at White Oaks and Fort Sumner and Doc's mind had drifted to raising a family and making a good, honest living. But it had not come to pass and once again they had been forced to run as the law and government searched for a scapegoat. Tommy, a young boy of only fifteen and Billy's closest friend had been the first to die at the hands of Sheriff Pat Garrett, their former friend turned lawman. Then Charlie had been put down for good and then it had been Billy's turn… shot in the dark in an ambush, some even claimed the outlaw had been unarmed. Only Doc and Chavez had survived and Chavez now had his own quest to see through to the end, one that Doc could not be part of…

During those later days running from the law, from Pat; Doc had often wondered what it would be like to have a family, to lead a life that was just simple. His thoughts would drift back to the mesmerizing young girl in White Oaks, the girl that Dave currently charmed and coaxed into being his. Whether Dave actually loved her was only known by the man himself, but Doc couldn't imagine not finding it easy to love her. Before Garrett had started chasing them everything had been peaceful and even though the two newest gang members were not to his liking, one too young and the other too irritating, Doc had felt content passing his days leisurely drifting from Fort Sumner to White Oaks.

The day they had all ridden up to Jane Greathouse's only to find a new girl had been employed was one that Doc couldn't forget. Slim but curvy, her face holding a light and a slight sharpness hiding behind her eyes that said clearly she was willing to put anyone in his place, had captivated him. But as always, Dave was the first to make a move, in later years Doc would curse himself for his reluctance.

But then that night in summer had come. Billy and Dave had gone riding out to cause mischief. Ella and Dave had exchanged harsh words as was usual for the on again off again couple and Dave, being the hot tempered man he was, had told her he didn't want her anymore. Ella hadn't appeared to be in any distress but even by this point Doc could read her and the girl's eyes had glinted with hurt. Although she projected a stony front of strength, he knew underneath she was raw from past pain and unpleasant memories, things that perhaps made her keep repeating bad choices. Dave couldn't see this, couldn't see that each blunt word just buried itself deeply within her, wounding her further, damaging her beyond full repair.

The day had passed pleasantly enough, the sun shone and Jane and her girls suggested, as they often did on such days, that a picnic was in order. Doc had spent many an hour sat by this stream, enjoying the soft chatter of women and the company they offered. Ella as usual had shown off just how much she liked to be thought of as a rebel, hitching her skirts up and wading into the cool water while playfully teasing Tommy and Chavez over eating too much bacon at breakfast, saying they would soon become too fat to get on their own horses. It was all good natured and just… Ella. Doc had beamed at her, feeling the light and life coming from her, the kind of glow that can only be obtained by losing everything and building your dignity back up while still being able to smile, even if the smile was false. Ella had giggled girlishly at his grin and splashed him with a good deal of water.

When night had fallen over the quiet little boom town the residents and guests of the house had retired after having a merry evening of drinking and cards. Doc had found sleep would not come; instead it teased him with a brink he could not push himself over. Finally he had relented, admitting defeat that he would not sleep on this night. He had pushed himself from his comfortable bed, pulled on his clothes and fastened his gun belt. He'd have a drink and then maybe take a walk or short ride to clear his head.

He made his way down the highly polished staircase to the main living space. He walked groggily over to the bar and poured himself a drink.

"Can't sleep either huh?" Ella's voice drew his attention and he turned to see her sitting on the large deep crimson coloured chair by the empty fireplace, a single candle burning nearby. She took a sip out of the glass of brandy she held lazily in her hand.

Doc smiled warmly. "No, guess it's too hot to sleep."

Ella nodded before returning her gaze to him. "I thought if I drank some I'd feel like sleepin' but I just feel like I've been drinkin'."

Doc noticed her voice was slightly slurred. "Maybe you've had enough?" he teased.

Ella laughed, it sounded strange and bitter to his ears, as if his words had brought back some best forgotten memory. "Maybe I have had enough." Her words held a strange undertone to them and she gave him a small smile that held no humor to it.

Doc took a swig of liquid out of his own glass and studied the young girl, noticing that she was dressed in only her underclothes and a thin silk robe. He felt a small amount of fire flare into his cheeks. It was not that he was unused to the sight of ladies in their undergarments, being a close friend of Jane Greathouse's and a man who, like all the other boys, liked to visit a 'gentlemen's establishment' every now and again meant he'd seen his fair share of undressed women. But somehow this time it felt different, Ella wasn't just another one of Jane's girls to him, she wasn't just a soiled dove placed in this place for his pleasure, she was person, someone he wanted to know, to talk to and protect.

"Is it Dave?" Doc couldn't help the bitter note that crept into his tone.

Ella glanced up at him, her eyes telling him she was thinking over her answer. "Maybe" she finally said after a few moments of silence. "I'm not sure what it is, maybe it's just…. everythin'." She tried to smile.

Doc walked forward and took a chair nearby, his expression telling her simply that he would listen if she wished to talk.

"Oh I don't know Doc" she said, exasperated with nothing in particular. "I guess I never wanted this life, I just wanted a normal life." She sighed and took another sip of her drink.

"What's normal?" Doc said with a small smile playing upon his lips. "I don't think I know anyone that's normal Ella, everyone is just who they are."

"Then I don't like who I am." Her tone was that of a sulking child.

"And who do you think you are?"

Ella met his gaze with her own before she returned her eyes to the liquid in the glass. "Someone I don't want to be." She glanced at him again as Doc gave her a look that stated she was just going around in circles. "There was this boy," she began, "back home. I thought I'd marry him, have some kids and just be like everyone else. Married… happy maybe, if I was lucky." She paused, this time keeping her gaze on the liquid in the glass as she began to swirl it in gentle movements. "Instead I'm here with a past I'd rather forget and no way out… 'part from one." She sighed and finally moved her eyes to the man before her. "I know Dave ain't a good man, but he's offering me a way out."

Doc raised an eyebrow. "So, you're not in love with him then?" Doc asked softly.

Ella's eyes bore into his own before she quickly looked away. "I don't think I believe much in love." She glanced down at the hand resting in her lap. "I reckon people fool themselves that love exists, I think the word 'love' means somethin' else but I guess using it is easier than getting into what it really is."

Doc furrowed his brow a little, not quite understanding her ramble of words. "That's not much of an answer."

Ella gave him a steady look. "I don't know." Her voice was calm and easy, as if talking of something unimportant. "You reap what you sow" Ella added, as if it were an afterthought.

"What does that mean?" Doc asked curiously.

"Well, just you get what you deserve; I reckon I probably deserve Dave."

"That doesn't sound like love to me; sounds like you already know Dave's no good for you and still you're gonna go and get yourself in deep with him?"

Ella cast a careless glance at him but didn't reply.

"I think that sounds a little crazy Ella."

Ella's brow furrowed in annoyance. "What would you know! You're a man! No one cares if you've been with a hundred women in bed but me and men, well my options are quite reduced and I never said I didn't love Dave, I just said I didn't know."

Doc knew the drink and her own confusion was causing her to snap at him. He pursed his lips, not wanting the discussion to turn into an argument; he knew she had a temper when pushed too far. "I think you deserve better than Dave" he said softly.

Ella let her gaze graze over his face. "Then who do I deserve?" Her words were filled with venom. "My Ma always told me I was goin' t' go straight t' hell!" She paused as Doc stared at her, a little shocked by her outburst. Ella suddenly let a wave of laughter erupt from her. "Maybe that's who I deserve, the devil himself!" Her eyes were beginning to water although Doc couldn't tell if it was from amusement or despair. "It's easy to find what's wrong anyway, harder to see what's right." She half mumbled to herself. "I'll go dance with the devil and bring a plague on everyone that ever did me wrong." She laughed again tears now wetting her cheeks. "Though I don't suppose the devil will take too kindly to me doin' as I wish." She wiped a hand across her eyes and sniffed loudly before taking a good gulp of the liquid. She then returned her eyes to Doc as if the words she had just spoken had never left her lips. "Well then?" she asked sharply.

"Well what?" Doc asked. He felt a strange strong pull towards this girl. It seemed that she took the breath right out of him, she was unexpected, mysterious and… lost, just as he had been all those years ago before John Tunstall had found him. Perhaps he wanted to rescue her and give her a good life just as he had always hoped someone would give him a chance.

Ella smiled, but it wasn't a kind smile. "Who do I deserve?"

Doc sipped from his glass before bringing out a silver plated cigarette holder from his breast coat pocket. He flipped it open and offered the contents to Ella.

"I don't smoke" she said simply, before seeming to change her mind and pulling out one of the pre-rolled objects. Doc smiled and dug out his box of matches from his side pocket before lighting first her cigarette and then his own.

Ella blew out a small cloud of smoke before returning her gaze back to him, her expression quizzical as she awaited his answer.

"I think," Doc said, rolling the cigarette between his fingers, "that you deserve a good man, someone you can be happy with and rely on… that ain't Dave" he said matter-of-factly.

Ella gave a chuckle. "If you know of such a man, you let me know where he is and I'll go fetch him." She smiled with a bemused expression, her eyes connecting directly with his. "No good man is gonna want an ex Dove, Doc, you know that."

"I wouldn't be so sure, maybe not a good man in the sense of pious and religious, but a good man in here." He tapped his breast lightly.

"I don't know any" she huffed. "All the men I know are selfish and greedy, only out for themselves."

Doc licked his lips, suddenly feeling as if he needed a long drink. He sipped the last dregs from his glass and looked at her squarely, knowing he was taking a chance with the words that bubbled upon his tongue, but the brandy had given him some courage. "Even me?"

Ella laughed but it sounded nervous and forced. "You?" she questioned. "You're a nice guy Doc" she finished, avoiding the subject.

"What…" He paused. "What if I was t' tell you I liked you?"

Ella stared at him a moment in disbelief. "You're playin' with fire Doc" she said, smiling. "I'd use you up and spit you out even if I meant well, I ain't any good." She paused. "Would you really sacrifice yourself and let me have what's left of you?"

Doc didn't break their gaze. "No, I think you're wrong. I don't think you're even half the bad woman you think you are."

Ella giggled, but again it was forced. "You don't know what I've done Doc" she said, downing the last part of her own drink.

"I know whatever you've done I've probably done ten times worse and not liked it, and I feel I know you some Ella, I know whatever you did, you did for the same reasons as me, t' survive."

Ella glanced away, unable to look at him in the eye.

"Sometimes in this life you gotta fight just t' make it through alive, don't be ashamed of what you did t' get through."

Ella suddenly leaned forward, bringing her face only a few inches away from his own. "Do you see anything in my eyes?" she asked, her eyes connecting with his and seeming to bore right into him.

"I see fire and life" Doc said honestly.

"I never see anythin'" Ella stated, not moving her position. "An' the more I see the less I like" she mumbled in incoherent words.

Doc couldn't help but let his eyes glance across her beautiful features. He could smell the faint fragrance of sweet oils she had used to wash her hair with recently, lemon and lavender came to claim his senses in a warm wave along with the bittersweet smell of the brandy upon her breath as she spoke.

"I don't reckon I'll be around long in this world" she murmured, her eyes glazing over.

"I reckon you'll be an old grey woman before you've seen the last thing t' see in your life" Doc said, inching his face forward, unable to help the pull his lips seemed to have towards her own.

She gave a hollow laugh as his lips brushed hers softly, not quite a kiss, too timid to be a kiss. "I'll be the death of you Doc Scurlock" she breathed, before curling a hand into his hair and pulling him forward to meet her own lips fully in a passionate kiss.