…
Disgraced, I sit on the train in horrified silence, trying not to breakdown sobbing. I am heading back to the city, and inside me there is a gnawing sick feeling, as acid burns in my throat. Esme herself marched me back to my room and careful not to wake Angela, I slowly packed my bags. I can never look her in the eye again, I will never see Edward again and I feel nauseous knowing that I have been the cause of his ruin. A small voice whispers to me that at least now we could see each other, there is nothing to stop us, but why would he want to see me? I am the girl responsible for irreversible damage to his teaching, and possibly, academic career and I can hardly be brought home to mother…
I wondered what the other reason could Esme want from stopping Edward from seeing me? Apart from the moral, ethical side of it. Great. Nice going, Bella, real classy move. I rack my brain for an answer. Does he have a criminal record? Mental problems? The only other possible explanation I can think of is that he's married, but I refuse to believe it. Leaving the station I walk home, watching the sun come up over the river, but it's not until I am finally home that I can fall into my bed and bawl my eyes out. How can I ever face Esme ever again? I will have to do my best to avoid her at University.
I count my blessings that Alice is away for the weekend and doesn't question why I am home early. That evening, I indulge myself in feeling wretched but can't bring myself to mope in bed. Instead I pull on my softest pajamas and lie on the couch watching old Katherine Hepburn films. She had class, I mock myself, unlike you, you strumpet. I can't stop remembering being caught red handed by Edward's mother and all though I am completely alone, my face burns with shame. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, or any reflected surface, I have reached a new low. But a little voice in the back of my head reminds me where Edward is involved I seem to have no moral compass, no sense of what is appropriate.
I cringe at my behaviour and try to think of a suitable punishment for myself, but draw a blank. Everything is either too glib or disingenuous. I am a vile hypocrite, and quite possibly a home wrecker. My mind reels over what the possible true reason of Edward's inability to date might be? Maybe it's a weakness that only Esme recognizes. It might not necessary be against a state or federal law. God, I hope not. However embarrassed and mortified I might be, I know that level could be lowered when or if I find out why his own mother fired him.
I half-expected Edward to get in touch with me, now he has been fired surely we can be together? Maybe he was only interested in me as a student? Or maybe now I have destroyed his career, he wants nothing to do with me? That would be perfectly understandable. It worries me how much I miss him. We hardly spent any time together and I crave his company, I want to get to know him so much better. At University the following week, I keep a low profile, hoping no gossip has been spread about my early disappearance and Edward's dismissal and that the rumor mill hasn't been pedaling too much.
I see Angela in the cafeteria, but as soon as she catches me walking towards her, she turns on her heel and leaves. Crap, that's not a good sign, I think. Alice finally returns home that evening and not wanting to discuss my recent disgraceful fall, I decide not to tell her what happened on the trip but keep it bottled up inside.
"So how did it go?" She winks at me, hopeful, guessing that Edward and I manage to spend time together.
"Fine, I think I've decided Edward's not really into me," I lie, pretending to be busy making dinner for us both.
"What? I thought he really liked you," she asks confused.
I try to laugh breezily, and thank the Gods that I just manage to pull it off. "I think I read all the signs wrong," I confide in her, trying to look immodest. "Yeah, he's too old for me anyway."
She raises an eyebrow at me, and her frown suggests she doesn't believe a word I have said, but as the great friend she is, she merely nods and keeps quiet.
"So you haven't heard anything from the photography department about the weekend?" I hate to ask, in case I raise her suspicions, but I need to know.
"I don't think so, should I have?"
"No, no reason."
"I think it's probably for the best, Bella. His behavior seemed a bit weird even to me."
I consider telling her about Edward's sacking but I can't think of a way to tell Alice which won't make her question me further. I make my excuses, serve up pasta for us both and hole myself up in my bedroom for the evening. I wonder what made Angela run for the hills when she saw me. Maybe Esme told her? I thought I had managed to sneak in and get my suitcase whilst she was still sleeping without her waking. Esme had insisted on standing guard outside my door, in case I tried to run back to Edward. I can still remember the look on her face as she escorted me off the homestead and into a cab. I can still hear the violent slam of the cab door, as she shut it after me. She did everything but spit on the ground. I can only imagine the treatment Edward got. Poor, beautiful Edward, he looked so outraged at her, and yet seemed to know better than to try and hold onto me as she dragged me away.
The next day at University I have my final meeting with my mentor, I dread going into the 303 in case Esme is waiting for me but luckily it's just Jasper. I keep my eyes down the whole time answering in short, sharp replies. His voice is low and sad, and neither of us mentions the elephant in the room. I look up at where Edward's photographs used to hang, they have been taken down, and all remains of them are the slightly darker rectangles on the wall. Jasper compliments me on my work and I thank him for his help emotionlessly. I get up to leave, my hand on the door, but I hover, unable to drag myself out of the room, without at least asking after him. Jasper looks at me with sad eyes, begging me not to mention Edward but I can't help myself.
"How is he?" I whisper, unable to say his name without knowing what the dire physical reaction might happen as a consequence.
"Missing," says Jasper with a level of concern. "Has he not got in contact with you?"
I shake my head and turn to face the door as hot tears blister my eyes. I know now I have to leave or I am going to have a disturbing breakdown right here. As I leave the room, my luck plummets and I run straight into Esme. My chin and lower lip wobble, and I suspect I am doomed to not leave the building without bursting into tears.
"Oh God," I sputter, digging my nails into my hand to quell the onslaught of tears. She looks down at me in surprise, and I push past her and scurry down the hallway.
"Bella," she calls me back, and I reluctantly turn around to face her.
"I'm sorry," Esme reaches out to touch me, but I recoil from her grip. "I thought you knew."
"Knew what? What is it?" I panic, I had always liked Esme and couldn't understand her harsh treatment of me and now she seems to be apologizing.
"It's my fault, I should never have let him mentor you, but I didn't know until later. If only I had known who you were."
"Please tell me what is going on." I beg, the door to 303 opens and Jasper appears in the doorframe, looking between Esme and me.
"It's not for me to say. Have you heard from him?"
"No," I said between gritted teeth, pretending not to notice the look they share above my head. She looks at me helplessly, before indicating to Jasper she needs to speak to him. Without a farewell from either of them, they go into room 303 and close the door.
Frustrated, I compose myself, head held high and walk away.
…
By the time I get home, I have a raging migraine, all I want to do is close my eyes and lie down in my room. Alice meets me in the hallway, on her way out. She thrusts a piece of paper in my hands with a number scribbled down.
"Who's it from?" I croak, praying it's from Edward.
"Jake called, it's his new number. He asked me to tell you he's going to call again later." She plants a goodbye kiss on my cheek. "You okay? Want me to pick anything up? You look like you're coming down with 'flu or something."
"I'm fine, enjoy your night out. You got a date?"
"Yes," she giggles. "Met him last week on holiday, will tell you all about it when I get home." She waves as she leaves, and I gratefully shuffle into my bedroom and collapse in my clothes onto the bed.
...
It's dark when I wake up, my stomach rumbles and I stand up to get something to eat. I sway uncontrollably as my head spins and I know I haven't got rid of my migraine yet. I blindly walk to the kitchen, afraid of opening my eyes in case I barf. I used to suffer from headaches and migraines all the time, but I haven't had one for years. As I remember why I used to get them, the cold hand of fear grips me around my neck and I remind myself there's a good reason why I don't think about my childhood. I consider calling my dad, Charlie, or going home to Forks, but I've only known Charlie and Forks for the last few years and even we don't talk about my life before. Before that I was an unknown entity. I didn't do much schooling and I managed to get onto my course on the strength of my photography and an excellent recommendation from Renee, my tutor at the clinic.
The phone rings and I gasp and run to answer, still too scared to open my eyes in case I vomit. I yell out as I misjudge where the coffee table is and crack my knee as I trip over it. I laugh pathetically at my own bad karma before crawling over to the phone to answer it.
"Hello, hello?" I garble, not sure if someone is still there.
"Bella?" My heart falls as I recognize Jacob's voice.
"Hi, Jake. I wondered when you'd call me again."
"Sorry, but I wasn't sure if the twentieth apology would fall on deaf ears too."
"Now is not really the best time, Jacob."
"Can I see you? Please?"
"I don't know, Jake. You weirded me out last time." Other than Charlie and Alice, Jacob has been there for me since we met. He lives in a village near Forks, our dads are best friends, and I know they would kill for us to get together, but I don't feel attracted to him. Before I met Edward I might have come around, but now I know that feeling of raw desire I couldn't marry Jacob just for companionship.
"C'mon, Bella! I was an idiot, but I think you're making too much of a big deal about it."
"Jake, you tried to stick your tongue down my throat!"
"Can't blame a guy for trying. But I promise, best behavior from now on." I hesitate, maybe I did over react, I had known his feelings for me for quite a time. If the role had been reversed I can't say I would have never tried to grab and kiss him, if it had been Edward…
"Okay. As long as I don't have to slap you again, cos I will you know."
"You're not going to let me live it down, are you?"
"Not for a long while." I grin, and it's the first time I've laughed in ages.
"What are you doing, Saturday? Wanna get some brunch and just hang out. Pick you up at 10?"
"Yeah. I would really like that, Jake."
"I've missed you, Belly."
"Me too. See you Saturday."
I place the handset back down and sit on the floor of the lounge. Part of me doesn't know how I feel about seeing Jacob again, but I think I'm ready to mend bridges with him after his sleazy behavior. After Angela stormed off today I'm beginning to suspect I need all the friends I can get.
…
The next morning I am so happy my migraine has cleared I practically jump out of bed. Forgetting about my knee, I crumple under my own weight as I try to skip out of my room. Epic fail. I brush myself down and manage to jump into the shower before Alice is up. She is a morning person, it can be quite irritating at times to be greeted by someone perfectly turned out and ready with a cup of coffee for you, when you look like you've just been dragged through a hedge backwards, but she was nowhere to be found.
I am curious when an hour later she still hadn't surfaced. I know she is home because her house keys are hanging on the hook. I consider taking her a mug of tea but presume she must have had a heavy night and is just sleeping it off. I am reading a monogram on Floria Sigismondi when her bedroom door clicks open and her tiny frame peers around the door.
"Morning," she smiles at me, sheepishly.
"Good morning, Alice. Kettle's just boiled." I beam at her, as she shuffles out, dishelleved, with a bed sheet wrapped around her. She gets two mugs out of the cupboard and throws two teabags in.
"Do you want one?"
"Yes, please."
I raise an eyebrow as she takes a third mug out and not quite meeting my gaze, her smile falls into a sly grin. Sensing some gossip, I put my book down and sit opposite her at the breakfast table.
"Do tell...Wasn't this a first date?"
Alice nods. "I couldn't help myself. Bella, he is so beautiful. Stunning, really. Wait until you see him."
"Where did you meet him?"
"Well, you know I went to Bellevue last weekend, while you were on your art trip?" I nod, pushing the pang of heartache down. "I've really missed not being able to spend as much time horse riding since I've been living in Seattle so I well to the Bridle Trails park to go riding, and he was there babysitting for his cousin and we started chatting." Her face falls into a wide smile as she looks dreamily at her bedroom door.
"So what does he look like? Am I going to meet him?"
"Yeah, let me take him some tea first. I'm sure he'll be out a bit later."
She winks at me, and heads back into her bedroom. I concentrate on finishing my book and think how happy I am for Alice, and maybe a tiny little bit jealous. Without thinking of his name, the image of the once constant man on my mind filters through. I close my book tightly, as I push his face out of my head, and back into the depths of where it has come from, deep in my soul. Not realizing it, I have screwed my eyes shut and when I open them, I hear a man clear his voice and as I look to Alice's room, I gasp.
Standing in front of me was my second mentor, Jasper, his eyes wide in equal surprise.
"Hello, Bella." He swallows hard, and I see him look nervously at Alice, as she takes his hand and twirling around in his arms, gently pulls him into the room.
"Jasper." I blink back tears of shock as I feel my skin prickle red.
"You know each other?" Alice and Jasper sit down on the couch opposite me as Jasper and I slowly nod at the same tempo. "How?" She asks, casually.
"You want to take this one?" I ask Jasper sarcastically, I really can't see me talking about Edward without hyperventilating.
Jasper turns to Alice and takes her hand. "I took over mentoring Bella after Edward was fired."
"Bella's Edward? He was fired" Alice asks, furrowing her brow and pulling her hand free of his. Jasper looks at me with annoyance at my lack of disclosure, I avoid his gaze.
"Did Bella not mention what occurred on the art trip?"
"Bella?" Her big eyes look upset that I hadn't relayed the humiliation and misery of the weekend.
"Sorry, Alice, I couldn't talk about it. I still can't."
"So what happened?"
"Well, Esme, Edward's mother, my boss and the course leader, suspected that they would try to see him each over the weekend. When she found Bella knocking on his door at 4 in the morning, she had no choice but to send her home and fire Edward."
He shifts uncomfortably and turns to me. "In fact I think you should know Bella that knowing Esme, she probably set it up like that. She knew Edward wouldn't be able to keep away from you, regardless of how professional he was trying to be."
"His own mother fired him?" Alice leans back into the couch in disbelief.
"Is he still...missing?" I whisper, terrified of either answer.
"He hasn't been seen or heard of since the trip."
"Aren't you worried?" Jasper shakes his head.
"You don't really know Edward that well, Bella. He has a tendency to go off radar when things get stressful. He always has done."
"Is he mentally unstable? Is that the dreadful secret?" I look directly at Jasper; he looks back at me but reveals nothing.
"What dreadful secret?" Alice leans forward towards us both, her hands on her knees.
"Esme told me that he wasn't fired just because of me but for another darker reason." I look at Jasper hoping that he will put me out on my misery, or at least give me a good hint.
"Is he married?" Alice shouts, looking like she is about to throttle her new love.
"No, not married. I wish he was, that would be...easier…in a way."
"Why can't you tell her, Jasper?" Alice tries to work her charm by stroking his arm. He smiles sadly at her, aware of what she's trying to do.
"Edward never knew who his father was until a few years ago. When he found out about him the truth hurt him, devastated him. It changed him. After he researched into who he was it frightened all of us. There's more but," he falters.
"Don't tell me," I mock. "It's not your place to say."
Jasper nods.
...
I am so glad when Saturday comes, I'm not decided whether I will mention Edward to Jacob or not, but I cannot wait to see a friendly face from home. I feel such happiness when I see him outside my apartment, he wraps me tight into his arms and I hug him tightly back.
"Hey, Belly." He kisses me platonically on the cheek, but then grabs me and hugs me again.
"Jake," I laugh. "Jake! Put me down! JAKE!" He lifts my feet clear off the floor, before begrudgingly settling me down.
We walk around the corner to one of my favorite diners. We are shown seats by the window and Jacob eagerly begins to decide what to eat.
"So you here for the day?" I ask, hoping he hasn't come all the way here to just see me.
"Yeah, I'm picking up my girlfriend from the airport later on." Girlfriend? I can't tell you the relief that floods through me. I tap my feet on the checkerboard floor in joy.
"That's great news, Jake. Who is she?"
"You remember Leah?"
"From the Rez? She was a bit mean to me if I remember correctly." Jacob chuckles, as he nods.
"Yeah, she's badass. I think she was a bit jealous of you. You'll like her though, once she lets her guard down, she's great fun."
I beam back at him. "I'm so happy for you, Jake." I look down at the menu "Pancakes sound good. What you having?"
"You seeing anyone?" Jacob asks cautiously, as he pretends to scan the menu.
"I was." I decide to give Jacob an abridged account of my short-lived affair with Edward. "It didn't work out."
"Was it because he's not me?"
"Hah. No. I guess it just wasn't meant to be." I shrug my shoulders and try to appear light about the doomed romance.
"Is that code for you got dumped?"
"Something like that."
"He's an idiot, then, and doesn't deserve you."
A waitress comes over and takes our order. Jacob flirts with her and it doesn't bother me at all. I would kill him if I was Leah though, I think.
"Did you...with him?"
"Jake, that's none of your goddamn business." I shush him and wonder if I will just get used to him pining for me, hopefully eventually he will fall in love with someone else. I really hope him and Leah work out.
Jake orders a disgusting amount of greasy food and a massive drink. I order buttermilk pancakes and a lemonade. "Have you been working out? You look sorta buff." I admire his arms as he poses for me.
"I can't wait around for you forever, Belly. Besides Leah is an amazing cook." I feel ashamed at the small pang of jealousy I feel. I want Jacob and Alice to be happy, but I am selfish enough to want that for me too.
"How's Billy?"
"Not too bad, he's going to have to use the wheelchair permanently, no more walking stick. "
"I'm sorry, Jake."
"It was inevitable I guess. Only time, they keep saying."
"Have you seen my Dad?"
"Sure, he still comes over on game nights, but fishing trips are out of the question now. You coming home for the summer?"
"Well, I was going to stay in Seattle and look for some work experience but more recently I've been thinking about subletting the flat and coming home for a bit. My room mate, Alice, is moving out at the end of the semester anyway."
"Well, it would be nice to see you over the summer. I miss just hanging with you."
"Me too." It's true, life back in Forks seems so much less complicated. "Do you think you'll ever leave the Rez?"
"Not with my Dad in such a bad way, he needs me."
That's one of the biggest reasons why I loved Jacob, he is loyal to the death, and family to him is of utmost important, like it is to me. "I wish I could see my Dad more, but just being at home reminds me of my Mom and that gets hard to deal with after a while."
The waitress brings over my pancakes and Jacob's pile of food. I look in amazement as he tucks in to his sausages with relish.
"Did you tell him about…?" Jacob trails off. Without finishing his sentence, I know exactly what he is referring to. My mouth is suddenly dry and I take a gulp of the homemade lemonade.
"No, Jake. It's not really something you bring up after a few, err, dates." I remind myself Edward and I had never actually gone out on a real date, and it feel makes me feel deathly sad. I look up to see Jacob proudly sucking each finger clean with a pop. I'm annoyed he looks so deliriously happy that he is one of the few confidantes of the most painful and defining event of my existence.
"Please try and look a little less smug, Jake."
"Sorry, I wasn't going for smug, I was trying to look protective."
"Well, you failed miserably."
"Do you think you'll get back together?" I can feel heat prickle my skin.
"Can we change the subject, please?" I ask quietly.
We struggle to change the atmosphere and get the conversation back on track. Eventually Jacob signals to the waitress for the check.
…
As we leave the diner and walk back to Jacob's bike, he takes my hand and holds it tight. After a moment, I release myself and when he frowns at me, I weave my arm around his. He seems disappointed but satisfied he gets to hold me at all.
"Err, Bella? Call me crazy but I've got the distinct feeling we're being followed."
I turn around and look through the crowd as Jacob scans the horizon, but I see nothing. As we walk the couple of blocks to the parking lot, I, too, start to feel like someone else is there, watching us. Hysteria is contagious, Bella, I remind myself.
As we stand next to Jacob's beat up bike in the lot, he leans down and attempts to kiss my mouth. I firmly turn my head sideways and he kisses my cheek, there is a raucous noise behind the fence to the lot. We hear a terrible commotion and someone shouting obscenities.
"Sorry I can't help myself. I'm always going to be attracted to you, Belly." I push Jacob away,
"You've got a girlfriend now," I remind him.
"I know," he looks down guiltily. "Will you come visit Billy and me in La Push in the summer? Uni's nearly over for the year."
"Sure, Jacob. I look forward to seeing Leah again."
...
I walk from Jacob's car and back to the apartment. Again, I feel like I am being watched and several times I turn around and glare into the empty street behind me. I don't feel scared, just annoyed.
I am rummaging in my bag for my keys, when I feel a hand snake slowly around my waist, I look up aghast.
"Edward? What are you doing here?" My heart stops beating and stomach dive bombs as he see my Mr. Beautiful standing in front of me. I touch his hand to check that he is here, in the flesh.
He doesn't answer but takes my face in his hands. My heart flutters as I grip onto the lapels of his coat for support. He looks exhausted, world-weary, he hasn't shaved in a week and there are dark circles around his eyes.
"Who is he?" He looks at me tenderly and I am puzzled whom he is referring to at first.
"Jacob? He's nobody."
"I can't seem to stay away from you, Bella Swan." I can't reply because his eyes are so full of want and desire, that I'm scared he won't be able to hear me over the pounding tattoo of my heart. He moves his face closer to mine and I stand on tiptoes to give him better access.
He leans in, but instead of kissing my mouth, he spoils me with short, hot kisses along my throat and jaw line. My eyelashes flutter as my body heats up under his warmth. He steps back to get a better look at me, for a full minute, he just stares at me.
"Edward?"
"The reason why I couldn't see you wasn't only just because I was your mentor." He pulls me back to him, burying his head in my hair, inhaling me.
"People have been hinting at that all week," I reply grouchily, but I can tell he is struggling to tell me the truth, so I am patient with him and let him speak.
"The real reason is too disturbing to imagine. I'm being a selfish bastard just by being here with you." He breathes down my neck and I shiver.
"Nothing could keep me away from you, Edward." I run my finger through his coppery colored hair and lightly scratch his head with my fingertips. I want to touch him everywhere.
"If only that was the truth."
"Why don't we talk about it inside?"
Edward looks longingly towards our apartment. I follow his gaze and see he has picked out the correct one. I wonder how long he has been following me.
"I can't, once I tell you, you're never going to want to speak to or see me again."
"Just tell me, Edward." I whisper soothingly in his ear, tucking a stray strand hair back. "Then we can move forward. I want to get to know you, I want you to get to know me." I lean in to kiss him again, to confirm how I feel for him but he just shakes his head at me before telling a deep breath.
"Bella, I know all about you. I know everything about you. You see, Aro Volturi is my biological father."
As the road spins, blood pumping into my ears, I hear my love calling out the name of the man who destroyed my life. The pavement reaches up to slam me in the face and I loose all consciousness.
…
I think there will be at least one more chapter to go... Hopefully I will be speedier in the update next time.
Have I dived off on a bit of a dark tangent? I'd love to know what you think…