Chapter Seven

The first day, he accidentally caught Wilson's eye from across the hall, accompanied by a pang of desire, of regret and pain.

The second day they were both in the cafeteria at the same time. House avoided Wilson's eye, but he knew the younger man saw him and could tell he was looking at him.

The third day House thought he'd made it through the whole day without running into him, but as the doors of the crowded elevator started to close, an arm stuck through to open it and Wilson, not noticing House behind the others until it was too late, joined him in the elevator. Of course, everyone else got off before the elevator reached the ground floor, leaving the two alone for a tense twenty-second ride.

Both doctors refused to look at each other, but when the doors opened Wilson turned to him before he stepped out. "House–" he started to say, his brown eyes pleading, but when the diagnostician looked at him he cut himself off and didn't finish. He looked at the floor and House stepped past him, heading out to go home.

The next day, he needed a consult again.

Foreman had preemptively paged Wilson to the diagnostic room, so just as House grudgingly determined he would have to go pay his former friend a visit, the oncologist stepped into the room. He looked at Foreman. "You paged for a consult?"

The neurologist flipped on the light, illuminating the scan, and Wilson walked over to it.

House was watching him. He was wearing his lab coat and his tie was burgundy. It looked nice on him. House decided he must really be losing it if he was starting to actually approve of one of Wilson's ties.

Wilson must have felt his gaze, because on his way to look at the scan (since when did it take a person so long to cross a room?) he turned and locked eyes with the diagnostician. They stared at each other for a moment, Wilson's eyes still carrying the hurt, pleading look they'd worn since...really, since House had said they weren't friends anymore. Please, they said. I want to be with you. Don't hurt me like this. Please. House's eyes were hard, resigned. What can I do, Wilson?

You can leave her. Leave her. Come be with me.

I can't. You know I can't.

But you love me.

I know. I do love you. But I love her too.

Wilson turned away to look at the scan. He looked at for a moment and then sighed and turned back to House.

"Well?" the older man asked. "Is it cancer?"

The oncologist nodded, looking at him again. "Do a biopsy. Even if it's malignant...we should be able to remove it surgically. She...she's got a good chance."

Still looking at him, House nodded in return. He was aware that his three employees (he hadn't hired a replacement for Thirteen; he'd gotten along with three before her, he could get along with three after her) were all staring at them. House thought he'd been exaggerating when it had crossed his mind that the tension in the air was tangible.

Please, House, Wilson's eyes begged.

I can't.

You can.

I won't.

Please.

No.

Chase cleared his throat, and the rest of the mens' eyes clicked onto him. "Well, I'm going to go do that biopsy then. Foreman, give me a hand," he added, getting up.

Foreman nodded.

"I'll go with them," Taub said, getting out of his chair and following his coworkers out of the room. All three of their eyes remained glued to House and Wilson all the way out the door, which closed silently behind them.

"House," Wilson started, taking a step closer to him.

"There's nothing to say, Wilson," House responded, looking away.

"You're not happy," the younger man said, his hands moving automatically to his hips as he watched him. "Whenever I see you, I can see that you're not happy. Maybe if you were, I'd accept this, but...come on, House! You're making yourself miserable on purpose."

"I'm not miserable!" House argued, glaring at him. "When I'm with her...when I'm alone with her...it's different."

"Are you happy?" Wilson grilled.

"Sometimes," the other man muttered, looking away. "She...she loves me, Wilson."

"So do I!" Wilson said, imploring.

"But she was there," House pointed out. "You weren't. I...it is what it is, Wilson. It's too late to change it."

"It's not," Wilson argued, shaking his head. "And you know it's not. You could break up with her today, right now–"

"–But I'm not going to," House interrupted. "Wilson, I..." he sighed. "I'm not sorry. It'd be one thing if I hated my life with Lisa, but I don't. I go home, I see her there...and I love her. She can...she helps me forget that my life sucks, and when I'm with her, it doesn't suck." He shrugged. "In general, you have that same effect, except for recently when seeing you just reminds me that I can't be with you. And that does suck, and that's why to you I don't seem happy. But I've made my decision, Wilson. I picked her. And that's...not gonna change."

Wilson looked at him. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it again, and looked at the ground. Then he left the office, House's eyes on his back.

.

House closed the door behind him and seated himself down in the armchair. It had been two days since the conversation in the diagnostic room, and even though he hadn't seen Wilson since except for a passing glance, hadn't locked eyes with him or spoken to him, the oncologist still weighed heavily on his mind. When he was alone with Lisa, talking with her or making love with her, then he could usually stay focused on the moment and just enjoy being with her. But other times, when his mind wandered it was almost always to Wilson. He didn't know if he just needed more time or if he was doing the wrong thing in staying with Lisa. While he remembered the promise he'd made to himself not to take Nolan's advice if the advice was to leave her, he wasn't sure if he'd be able to keep it. Not that the man would tell him what to do; he'd want House to make the decision for himself. But the diagnostician guessed that he might be able to tell from Nolan's attitude what his therapist thought was the right choice.

"Hello, Greg," Dr. Nolan greeted.

House nodded in acknowledgement, tapping his cane against the ground between his legs.

"What's on your mind?"

The diagnostician took a deep breath and looked at his psychologist. "We've been doing this...what, just over a year now?"

"Sounds about right," Nolan replied, trying to read his face.

"During all that time, have I ever mentioned that I'm in love with Wilson?"

If Nolan was surprised, he didn't show it. "No," he said calmly. "I believe you've left that detail out."

"Right, knew I was forgetting something. So, yeah. In love with Wilson. I guess it's time you knew."

"Well, better late than never," Nolan agreed. "What about Lisa? Don't you love her?"

"Yeah, I love her," House said. "Just not...the same. Not in love with her."

"I see. So...why did you decide to proceed with a relationship with her if you're not in love with her?"

House shrugged. "I didn't think Wilson would ever love me back. He had Sam. I was trying to move on. I still love her. I'm still glad I'm with her."

"Does she know you're not in love with her?" Nolan inquired.

He shook his head. "She knows I love her. I've never said I was 'in love' with her. But she's happy."

"Are you happy?"

"You sound like Wilson," House observed. "Sometimes. When I'm with her, I am."

"Okay," the other man said, leaning back in his chair. "Does James know how you feel about him?"

"Yeah," he said. "I told him like a week and a half ago. I wanted him to leave me alone and figured that'd scare him off. It worked for a week, but then he came back and told me he loved me too and wanted to be with me."

"We can get back to that," Nolan said, "But first could you explain to me why you wanted James to leave you alone?"

House explained his logic, his theory about how spending less time with Wilson made things easier with Lisa. Nolan only had a few comments; he mostly listened and wrote some stuff down.

"All right," Nolan said with a nod. "So you confessed to James that you were in love with him, not in the hope that he'd return your feelings, but so that he would understand why you couldn't be his friend anymore?"

"Yeah."

"But he actually does return your feelings, he left Sam and is interested in starting a relationship with you."

"Yeah," House repeated.

"So what are you going to do?" the psychologist asked, shifting in his chair to get more comfortable.

House was looking past him, out the windows. "When Lisa and I got together, I told her I'd try to make it work with her. I had to tell Wilson no."

"You're staying with Lisa?" Nolan asked. This time, he did sound surprised.

"I'm not gonna break my word to her," House muttered. "Not gonna just throw away everything we've been working toward...for years. Wilson...it's too late for us. I'm single for eleven years and he waits until I'm in a relationship to tell me how he feels. Pretty shitty timing."

"To be fair," Nolan pointed out, "he told you a week after you told him. You were the one who waited until you were in a relationship to tell him how you felt. Maybe if you'd done so sooner, he would have reciprocated your feelings then."

"I thought about it," House defended. "After he bought me the organ I thought he might feel the same way. But before I got a chance to say anything he jumped into bed with Sam, so I gave up."

"But now he's left Sam for you," the therapist said. "But you're rejecting him. Are you choosing Lisa over him because you want to be with her over him or is it because you're trying to punish him for all the times he's chosen a woman over you?"

Words flashed through House's brain.

You're willing to sacrifice me for her?

Hurts to be on the receiving end, doesn't it?

"I..." House said, looking straight ahead. "I don't know," he answered honestly. When his psychologist didn't respond, the diagnostician turned to him. "Why does it have to be one of those two reasons?" he asked. "Why can't it be because Lisa's important enough to me that I'm not just gonna dump her on a whim?"

"Is that the reason?" Nolan asked. House didn't answer, so he continued, "Is being in a relationship with Lisa what you really want? Or do you really want to be with Wilson?"

"It's not that simple," House said, looking away.

"Sure it is," Nolan said. "I'm not asking for reasons, I'm not asking you who you think you should be with. I'm asking who you want to be with. When it comes down to it, which of the two would you rather end up with?"

Yes, that was a very easy question to answer. House chose not to do so aloud. "What you want isn't always the right decision," the diagnostician pointed out.

"That's true, but when it comes to relationships, what you want is an important factor in the right decision. It's your life, Greg. You need to do what is healthy for you and what makes you happy. If the person you wanted to be with was abusive, for example, then being with them would not be the right decision because it's not healthy for you. But unless Lisa or James have hit you or in some other way, physically or emotionally, hurt you, then I think either of them would be a fine decision and it's up to you to decide the reasons behind it. I just want to remind you that when you first came here you told me you wanted to be happy. Based on that goal, I recommend you choose the person you think is most likely to make you happy."

"I don't think I can be happy living with the fact that I gave up on a potentially fulfilling relationship just because I saw an opportunity for another potentially fulfilling relationship. I made a promise to a woman I loved and I'm not going to break it just because someone else came along. I'm not Wilson."

"Interesting," Nolan said.

House glared at him. "What?"

"That you so readily associate James with a lack of commitment," the psychologist replied. "Have you thought that maybe that's the reason you're not choosing James, because you're doubtful that the relationship would be successful?"

The diagnostician looked away. "He loves me more than them," he muttered. "He told me he loves me more than them. And he said he thinks he always will." House shrugged. "I don't know. I don't know what he was thinking when he married Bonnie or Julie. Maybe he thought he was in love with them or maybe he knew it would fail."

"Do you think that if you entered into a relationship with James, it would fail?"

"I really don't see how this is relevant," House pointed out, looking up. "Because I'm not entering into a relationship with James, I'm in a relationship with Lisa. I've chosen Lisa."