Given Up

Stuck in my head again
Feels like I'll never leave this place
There's no escape
I'm my own worst enemy...

Esme beamed at my new purchases. "This will be great for you! But you're not giving up piano, are you?"

My biggest fan. "Don't worry," I said, giving her a big hug. "I'll still play for you anytime. Just ask."

'Or think.' She laughed with a wink.

"Either one," I smiled back.

I don't think I've mentioned that vampires don't sleep. Ever. So when they're not doing that thing I mentioned that they do extremely well, or distracting oneself from said thing, as in my case, it leaves a lot of time to learn new things. With the two couples I lived with going at it all night, my fingers quickly found their place on the fretboard. I was through the first book and onto simplistic songs by sun-up. Sun! That meant staying indoors all day. Wonderful! I took full advantage of my free time, thoroughly enjoying this type of education. It was new. Different. Exciting.

Jasper came into my room some time near dusk. "Edward?" He knocked lightly then poked his head in the door. Knocking was unnecessary since I heard his intention to come see me before he was even outside my door, but he did so as a courtesy. Much the same as how I would block their intimate thoughts, he never presumed I'd grant him entry simply because I knew he was coming. "Alice and I are going hunting. Wanna come?"

"Thanks, but no. I want to get this bit figured out."

"Suit yourself, but Alice says we're home again tomorrow. You'll have lots of time." Trying his best to persuade me, he failed.

"Great. Thanks. Have fun," I mumbled absent-mindedly as I ran together the complicated riff I'd been working on. And then I was left alone with my new obsession, and loving it. It was near dawn before I was disturbed again.

"Hey, sounds good. You're a quick study, always have been." Carlisle leaned casually against the door frame as he said his words of praise. A corner of my mouth may have twitched into a slight grin as I continued strumming. "I'm going for a run, why don't you come along? We haven't had much time together lately. Not since we've moved."

"Thanks. Another time?"

"Edward, you need to feed," he warned bluntly. "I know you've got good endurance, but it's been over a week for you and that's getting risky. Come on...we won't take long."

Knowing there was no point in arguing with Carlisle, I relented. He was right. He was always right.

Well...almost always.

We ran to a wooded area not far away, yet far enough from civilization to not risk being seen. There were lots of deer so I felt certain it would be a very quick hunt which suited me perfectly. The quicker I could get it done with, the better. Preparing myself to pounce on the next one to approach, I caught the scent of a different creature. Definitely not a deer. This was never something I enjoyed...the tracking and chasing of a kill. It disgusted me and yet it was necessary. Normally I preferred hunting solo because I was alone in my distaste for this activity. The others in my coven loved everything about it. They challenged each other, took bets on disturbing things like quickest kill, longest chase, fastest draining. They had fun with the necessary bit of ugliness that was our reality. I still felt guilty before, during and after every meal. I had no right to take a life. Any life.

"Son, it's necessary." As if Carlisle knew my inner turmoil, he was beside me. "In human life, you were not a vegetarian. Animals were taken, and you were fed. This is the same thing."

I nodded sullenly. Carlisle's eyes suddenly darkened as his thirst piqued when he caught the scent he was after. He muttered an apology and fled, leaving me to my own dreaded hunt. I crouched down by a fallen tree, my normal stance to wait for prey to come to me. That new scent filled my nostrils once more and this time, I allowed the animal in me to emerge. Breathing it in as deeply as I could, I let the desire fill me. The need. The raging thirst...and I pounced. The beast was down before he knew he should flee. This was my thing. Kill them quickly so they didn't feel the terror of dying; of being a monster's prey. Once I had him, an insatiable thirst filled me and I released a low growl as I sank my teeth into his neck. Ahhhhh...so warm... I drank my fill and then some, hating to not take full advantage of the life I'd taken for myself. The blood was cooling and I was overfilled, the raging desire had left my body. Taking my mouth away, I breathed heavily as I looked over my prey. My sacrifice. I said a prayer for his soul. I could do that for this creature, as he most likely had a soul. I, myself, did not.

Wiping my mouth, I walked slowly towards Carlisle. He smiled with empathy.

"You did well. That will keep your thirst at bay for a good long while." He glanced over at the carcass. "Moose huh? I believe that was your first. How did you find it?"

"Disgusting," I grumbled. I heard his silent chuckle and saw his stifled smirk. "Stronger tasting than deer, but not as harsh as bear. It's got a nice long neck. Makes it easier to drink faster. It's not bad I guess."

He nodded with a gentle smile. "I agree. I think next time, I'll go for that myself. Are we walking back or running?"

I smirked at him. He didn't need the ability to read my mind for the answer to that. I'd choose running every time. It was the only thing about being a monster that I truly enjoyed. I took off with him at my heels to begin with. When we neared our property, I slowed to allow him to catch up. The sun was rising and we silently went into a walk, enjoying the bit of sunshine while we could. We had no neighbours for miles in any direction so here, we could have this indulgence now and then - never in public view. That would cause a stir and bring on the Volturi, the ancient coven who governs all other vampires. Guarding our secret lives is a sacred vow and they uphold it at all costs. I would not risk exposing any of my vampire family to enjoy more time in the sun anymore than I would take a human life.

Honestly, my feelings on the giant orb the Earth relies on were mixed. Even privately, I got anxious when my skin was exposed to it's rays. It doesn't hurt me; quite the contrary. I love how it feels on my bare skin. If I were to lay out long enough, my body would almost feel warm. I'm certain it's not warm like human skin, but to my icy touch, it's warm enough. I don't even remember what a human's skin feels like, I just know that it's very different from I despise about the sun is how it makes my skin appear. I can't bear to look at it; to see the freak I truly am. So, at times like this, I close my eyes and daydream that I'm warm. That I'm human. That maybe, just maybe, another human would touch me and I'd feel warmer still. I can't begin to imagine how good that would feel if the sun's warmth felt as good as it did.

Esme watched us sprawled on the lawn from the back window. Wearing her ever-present glowing smile, I could see the love Carlisle felt for her as he smiled back at her. I'd never have that. I loved my family, but this love...it was something entirely different. Immensely happy for them, but disturbingly depressed for myself, even the sun failed to warm me.

Carlisle's voice broke into my thoughts. 'What's on your mind son? I'm at a disadvantage.'

"Nothing," I replied. "And yet, so much."

"Is it difficult for you here? Any problems?" He spoke to me now, conducting a normal conversation; as normal as vampire conversation gets. With the speed and low volume we spoke to each other with, no human would be able to grasp what we were saying.

"Boredom."

Laughing, but with his usual kindness Carlisle teased me. "Such a teenager! When will you ever outgrow the angst?"

"Hmph!" I snorted. "Never. It's a source of more angst. 25 would have been a much better age to lose my soul, I think. I would have more options in our role playing. Going to school eternally? Blech. And the kids are so incredibly dull...and have much more angst than me, if you don't know. I'm Mr Sunshine in comparison." I flashed a crooked grin at him to let him know I was doing my best to tease him back.

He was lost in thought. Thoughts which, of course, I wanted no part of but reached me none the less. 'Sweet Edward. What have I done to you? I only wanted to save you. You were too young, too GOOD to die. Instead I've condemned you to a life you abhor. A life of utter loneliness. Deception, lies; these things were foreign to you. I know it's more difficult for you than the others. I'm sorry for that.'

"I don't blame you Carlisle."

'I know it's extremely difficult for you. I will never regret turning you, son. You are a joy to this family. So very special. I know that seems selfish; in part, it is. I just couldn't let you die, you had so much to offer; so much left to do.'

I chuckled at the irony. "So much of the same left to do." I sighed heavily as his thoughts turned to pity for me. I didn't want his pity. "There's something wrong with me Carlisle. I should be used to this by now. 9 decades isn't enough to adjust to being a vampire? How long will it take? A century? More? The others... they're all fine with it. Why am I different? I don't fit in anywhere. I'm not human. I'm a horrible vampire with my distaste for blood and refusal to kill or covet. I hate lying and I feel bad cheating. I can't even be a decent Cullen because I'm a killjoy."

"You're not..."

"I know what you all think. Can't lie to this vampire," I smirked. "I'm a miserable excuse for a vampire of any sort. I know I can't be human; do human things... even if I could learn to appreciate some things about being immortal, I think I'd be happier." Would I? "Maybe not. Perhaps I'm just an unmotivated, depressing, useless teenager. Forever."

"You're more than that..."

"Am I?" I laughed heartily at that. "I'm a stone statue who walks among man. Cold, heartless, undead. Barely. Why can't I be like you? Or Emmett and Jasper? They have fun with everything. And you... you're fulfilled, I see it when you come home from the hospital. You have a purpose. I have nothing! I am nothing."

'If you were nothing, I truly would have been cursing you by bringing you into this. Edward, I saw in you something that is so rare...a pure soul.'

I closed my eyes, wishing I could also close my mind. I had to think very hard to recall what I was like in life. Reading the journals I've kept from when I was human helped me to remember, but I don't know what it felt like to be Edward Anthony Masen. Maybe he was pure. The creature I'd become was anything but. I almost wished Carlisle could hear my thoughts; to hear what he'd done to me, through my self-perception. He might not look at my perfect vampire form and see a hideous monster, but I did. Nothing but. I hated myself more than anything else I griped about, and there was not one thing I could do about it. Still, I couldn't bring myself to vocalize my hatred for what Carlisle had turned me into. If any vampire could retain his or her soul, it was Carlisle. He was the kindest man, human or undead, that I'd ever known. I took in deep unnecessary breaths and tried to feel the sun warm my face as I struggled to think of something to say to the man I respected so much. Of anyone, his opinion meant the most to me. "I'm sorry I'm like this. It must be disappointing. And I cause you trouble everywhere we go...you don't deserve that. I'll try harder Carlisle."

"You should know I don't believe that Edward," he smirked. "You know I'm always proud of you. You mean the world to this family, just as you are."

"I'll remind you of that the next time I'm in a foul mood," I grinned.

"Right...on second thought, you can go away when you're in a foul mood." He pushed me away with a grin and thought, 'Don't you ever leave us son. No matter what.'

"Thanks Dad," I said quietly, using the term we normally reserved for the public.

With a slight nod, he stood up and extended a glittering hand to help me up. "Glad we had this time together."

"Me too. Being stuck inside on sun days has it's perks. Oh, by the way, what is it this time? Trip? Family emergency?

He chuckled at our family joke. "Damnedest thing, the entire family came down with a flu bug. Hit us all on the same day."

"Alice says we'll be fine tomorrow."

"I'm sure she's right."

And I was sure I'd face another day of the same shit. I would try to pretend I didn't care that I was alone and miserable, but that didn't make it true. If I cared less about everything, maybe that would ease some tension.

Stone man. Stone thoughts.

I've given up
I'm sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take all this away

I'm suffocating
Tell me what the fuck
Is wrong with me...

(Linkin Park)

A/N ~ I know this is moving along slowly, not much action yet, but getting to know Edward is essential to the story so please bear with me. Thanks to all of those who followed me from my previous story; as always, I love to hear from you. Any comments, suggestions, bitches...let me have 'em! ;) ~ SR