Move Away
Don't worry 'bout what might have been
Just tell your woman that you're sorry
And you jumped out of your skin
Listen closely to your motto...
'Someone made a new friend...' Alice's thoughts and smirk met me at the door.
Rolling my eyes at her, I pushed her aside. "Don't you have anyone else to monitor?"
'Sure, but you're the most interesting right now. She's cute!' Alice darted in front of me, cutting me off before I could reach the stairs.
"Yep. I'm fascinating. Can you let me go be fascinating on my own now please?"
Alice let out a giggle. 'You won't be doing so much of that from now on.'
Cursing myself for hesitating, for even giving her an inkling of an idea that I was interested in continuing this line of communication, I turned back to her. "Doing what, exactly?"
'Oh, just spending time locked up in your room, alone. Being grumpy. Biting my head off for having a little fun...'
"You haven't seen my full capacity for grumpiness. Nor biting. Care to?" I retorted, humourless.
"Can you two not do this?" Jasper appeared beside me. "I hate hearing one side of a conversation. Can you be normal for a change and you talk..." He pulled Alice into his side and addressed me. "And you listen rather than read? What's going on?"
"Edward has a girlfriend!" she blurted excitedly.
"No shit?" Jasper's grin widened. "Tasted her yet?"
"No!" I barked. "NO! She's not my girlfriend. She's not even a friend...I barely know the girl..."
"You will." Alice smirked, knowingly and Jasper looked on with interest.
"Okay," I sighed, giving in. "I can see you're not going to let this go, so what do you see?"
She went into a trance-like state, opening the visions in her mind to me. It always knocked me for a loop, seeing her visions. It was different than reading her thoughts. It was like watching a silent movie. Full of colour and light, but frustrating without a soundtrack. This one was no different. Her vision showed me on a riverbank, high above the river itself. Seated beside me, Isabella. We were deep in conversation, about what, I had no clue, but we looked to be enjoying ourselves talking and laughing. Isabella looked different...softer, maybe. Her hair was lighter and she wasn't wearing the dark eye make-up. She looked natural and healthy. Very happy and...comfortable. With me? How could that be?
I swallowed an excess of venom that had filled my mouth as I admired the new Isabella. I was uncomfortable seeing this, but I watched on regardless. She started to stand, in Alice's vision, but the ground cover was slick. She slipped, lost her footing and her arms flailed about as she tried to regain her balance. I watched myself dash to her aid without hesitation. She didn't react as she should...she didn't stare in shock and horror. Didn't flinch when I grabbed her around her waist. Instead, she laughed as she wrapped her arms around my neck, her head tilted upwards as she stared into my concerned gaze. Her face drawing nearer and nearer...her fingers in my hair...her lips a mere inch from my own and she was comfortable.
"No," I muttered aloud. "No, Alice...stop it. This isn't real. That doesn't even look like her!"
"But you like it..."
"NO! Just...no."
"Edward, come on! You like her, she likes you...what's the problem?"
I stared at her incredulously. "For real? Alice, what's the problem? She's a fucking human!"
"You won't kill her." She rolled her eyes like that was a common, but ridiculous concern for a person to have.
"Seriously, when's the last time you had a human?" Jasper contributed his thoughts. "You're stronger than any of us with resisting temptation. Well, second to Carlisle. You won't kill her."
"No. I won't. Because I won't let her give me the opportunity to be tempted," I snapped before fleeing. I knew it was wrong of me to strike up a conversation with her - to encourage her to befriend me in any way. I was dangerous.
Deadly.
Lonely.
Fucking depressed.
Alice's vision played through my mind all night whilst my 'family' members satisfied their own animalistic urges. As much as the idea of it pleased me, it wasn't real. It was pure fantasy. The girl would never accept me and my...differences. And I couldn't be certain that I would resist the urges I'd already felt. Not just the urge to feed off her, but to taste her, as Jasper put it, in various ways. Plus, the idea of interacting with someone outside of my family who didn't make me want to hang myself to escape their pure stupidity, was very appealing. Isabella intrigued me. Too much so. I would have to take care of that.
Parting ways with my siblings in the morning, I endured the double math periods, idly scribbling out formulas and equations while I attempted to NOT think of seeing Isabella in my next class. Entering the Sociology class, I purposely avoided looking anywhere near the back. Instead, I rushed to my normal seat at the far side of the room seconds before the bell rang and busied myself unpacking my books before assuming my 'bored out of my mind' posture. Staring blankly ahead, I fought an internal battle between trying to block her thoughts and wanting desperately to hear more of them. They were rapid and random and as quirky as she appeared to be. I smiled, involuntarily at a few of them. When I caught her giving me a shy smile as I took my seat in front of her in English class, I put on my stone face look.
Cold.
Unfeeling.
When darkness fell, I escaped into the night on my own; wandering the unlit streets of this foreign place. Aside from the forests and the main street of town, I hadn't explored our new hometown. It seemed just as dull at night. There was no one about, causing trouble or otherwise. A dead town. Ha! A dead town which now had undead people living amongst the normies. None would be sleeping if they knew.
A scent caught my attention, and then my ears picked up the sound of soft pads on cement. Now on grass. Back to cement...a cat! Ah, at last a creature who roamed at night, just like me. Yet not. The cat caught my scent as I honed in on him. His ears flattened out and he arched his back, cowering backwards. With a wicked grin, I crouched and started making clicking noises to call him towards me. He backed away another several inches but held my gaze. I put a hand out to him and called out softly, gently, cooing to the frightened creature. He lifted one ear, flicking it around like it was a sensor of some sort. Licked his lips. I resisted the urge to lip my own. Thirst wasn't my purpose for toying with him. Slowly, gingerly, I moved slightly forward and watched for his reaction. His tail flipped, but he kept his ground so I crept forward another inch and called to him again. He eyed me as he dropped his back and just as slowly, we began inching towards me.
"Good kitty, come on! Come see me!" I cooed softly. "That's a good kitty..." He seemed to lose his hesitation briefly, moving forward at a faster pace. He was within arms reach when he suddenly stopped and hissed.
Laughing, I hissed back at him. He tore off across the street and I pursued him. He jumped onto a tree trunk and scurried up it and into the shelter of it's branches. Silly kitty. Like you could find shelter from me. I was right behind him. When he discovered that he howled and jumped down, certainly eliminating one of his nine lives. Silly, silly kitty. I followed, no life to lose, myself. He was going nuts, alternating hissing and growling as I stood and watched. Was this what I was like when I let the animal in me take over? Or was this unadulterated fear? What did fear feel like, I wondered. I could hear his heart pounding in his chest. Yes, he was definitely fearful. Yet oddly drawn to me. When I crouched and cooed once more, he started towards me again. Stupid kitty!
"Go! Get out of here while you can you stupid cat! Don't fall for my bullshit! I'd have you for an appetizer before you even knew I was coming." He sat there stupidly, still enraptured by my lure. "GO!" I hissed and pressed by body forward menacingly. He obeyed. I roared with laughter as he fled, his paws barely hitting the ground as I let him escape.
This was a game my siblings and I had played many times throughout our time together. Turn on the charm, see who could resist. Better yet, see who couldn't. Even I had to admit it was fun having this sort of power and influence sometimes. I suddenly wished Emmett was with me. He was my older brother in our current Cullen Family play. In reality, another stray that we had picked up when Carlisle changed him. Also, the only one who'd ever gotten me to really loosen up, even if it was only for brief moments. He was extra good with persuasion, able to persuade even a fellow vamp like me to join in his antics. Emmett was a riot. Always cheerful, always cracking jokes, always ready to talk me out of my own gloom. He would have had fun with me and this kitty tonight. I turned and headed away from the direction he had fled, thinking about how fortunate Emmett was to have kept a positive outlook even after he'd been changed into a monster.
Right on cue, my phone rang out and he was on the other end of the line. "How goes the monotony?"
"Same ol', same ol'," I quipped with irony.
"Ha! Not feeling it there bro? Is it horrible?"
"Fucking boring Em! You don't know how lucky you are to not have to be here."
"It's not great here either. Too many sunny days. I've got a rep as a total slacker since I rarely make it to class. See...boring for me, too. Classes, days in, more classes..."
"But at least you've got options! There's so many courses you could take in university!"
"Done everything that I want to already..."
"Still better than highschool classes! History is seriously fucking killing me this year. The texts they use are supposedly outdated...they wish! They're fiction! The shit they teach is NOT history, they've gotten almost everything wrong. I got into a debate with the teacher during the first week...he was lecturing about The Depression and got so much of it wrong. I wanted to scream at him, 'Dude! I was THERE!'. I hate this school. And the town. I was so bored, I just chased a cat up a tree!" I related my little game with the furball.
Emmett was laughing on the other end. It was a great sound, it made me feel better and at the same time, miss him more. "You need to have some fun, man. Alice says you kept your alternative look...that must go over well in a small town. Use it! Shake things up! Play with the people, man. That's what they're there for."
"Um, I think they're actually here to like, work and feed their kids and stuff..." I countered.
"They're there to feed us, actually, but that's just splitting hairs..."
"Ha-fucking-ha Em. Anyway, I can't shake things up. Esme wants us to 'mesh'. She thinks we can have a good run here...maybe 3 or 4 years before we have to move again. If I misbehave..."
"Bah! You're a rebellious teenager! What's an adopted parent to do?" He joked around, playing along with the new plot. "Truth or challenge?" he dared me. That familiar game.
"Challenge. You know I can't tell the truth." I was grinning on my end. All of us chose challenge, every time.
"I challenge you to get a person to be that kitty. Your own personal kitty Edward. Think about it."
"You want me to get a person to climb a tree?" I joked.
"Whatever you want them to do...that's the whole point. Keep me informed." He hung up, leaving me to my challenge.
I circled around the town to head home, rather than retracing my steps. Could I get a person to climb a tree? What would be the point? 'FUN!', I could hear Emmett's voice mocking me. 'You know a lot of big words, Edward. But do you know anything about the little one called FUN?' He must've been something as a human. A real prankster. Or just genuinely happy to be alive. Maybe I never was. Maybe, even without this devastating change, I would still feel the same.
Lonely.
Depressed.
Cold.
Unfeeling.
In essence, what I am. I hate the void of having no emotion. Correction, of showing no emotion...with the exception of anger and distaste. In the battle to restrain my natural urges, I constantly struggle with emotional balance. Seems it's either all or nothing, with the unpleasant ones coming forth daily. In truth, I don't even remember what it feels like to have other emotions. What it would feel like to sincerely care for someone...a friend, a girlfriend. Or to anticipate tomorrow and the opportunity to see that friend once more. I believe I am experiencing some level of emotion, though I can't name it, since I feel more hatred for myself since I stumbled upon this one tiny, interesting human. Yes, there is something beyond the hatred. Something unknown, but almost...almost human. The most human aspect that I've maintained is wishing I was someone else; whether or not I had that desire when I was human, I do not know. Today, however, I would rather be anyone but myself - Edward Cullen, cold-hearted boy vampire.
Don't worry 'bout what might have been
Tell the jury that you're sorry
And you jump out of your skin
I wanna jump out of my skin
I wanna jump out of my skin
And watch the clouds...
Move away, move away, move away...
(The Killers)