Faint
I am what I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you to just believe
This is real...
It was much more of a challenge than I'd originally thought. She shot me down and shut me out consistently for the remainder of the week, frustrating me to no end. I also had to deal with the stupid kitty, my pet, my first challenge that bored me much too rapidly. Jessica was not letting up with her flirting and tried avidly to gain my attention at every chance. Her tits were frequently in my face as she'd lean over me at my desk. She had constant thoughts about my icy tongue dipping between them and how it would feel against her nipples. They would harden and pop out every time she thought of it. If I wasn't so put off by Grey's total blocking of me, I would have really enjoyed teasing this kitty.
I caught Grey watching one time Jess was pressed against me for a prolonged period. There was a hint of something...anger or disgust perhaps, briefly in her eyes. Good. Not ignoring me completely.
It was her turn to do her presentation today, solo. She stood at the front of the class, eyes downward, fidgeting nervously with the papers in her hand. Clearing her throat, she began:
"I believe the meaning of charity has been lost in today's society..."
"Speak up please!" Mr Willis called from the back of the room. "We can't hear you back here."
She looked so vulnerable as she took a deep breath and started over. Her hands were visibly shaking and her voice trembled. "I believe charity, the meaning behind it, is lost on most people. There was a time when we helped others, because it was the right thing to do. Family, neighbours, friends, took care of each other. Looked out for each other in times of need."
She looked up from her notes briefly before looking back down. Her dark eyes were shimmering. "Today, charity does not begin at home. It begins, as everything else does, as a popularity contest."
"Hey! Who are you to..." An angry classmate interrupted her speech and Mr Willis stood to quiet the burst of rebuttal. He motioned for her to continue.
Shaking harder still, she went on. "What makes one illness more devastating than another? Does one society's earthquake pale to another's tsunami? It shouldn't. All are traumatic to each person suffering, yet globally, we only care, or pretend to, when an A-lister rallies for it."
"What the hell? That just makes it more public!" Someone called out.
"Shut the hell up and let her speak!" I shouted in frustration for her.
She looked at me with watery eyes before running out. Fuck! I'd wanted to hear what she had to say.
At lunch that day, most students were driven outside due to an odour in the cafeteria. I didn't find the smell of burnt mac and cheese any more offensive than the non-burnt they served up daily but seeing as Grey vacated the building, I followed. On my tail; my pet. The one I wanted attention from chose a corner and buried her nose in a book, clearly telling me to back off. The one seriously getting on my nerves, chattered in my ear non-stop.
"You're distracted." Jessica, perched on the brick half-wall that separated the front court from the parking lot waved her hand on front of me.
"Hmmm?" I stood on the parking side of the wall beside her perch, my focus on Grey.
"See? You're not even listening!"
Oh fuck. She was whining. Please not the whine. "Of course I'm listening..." From my years of practice filtering 'voices', I am able to retain bits of conversation without even being aware. I recited her plans to go shopping and what flavour Frappuccino she would get and blah blah blah. Grey's eyes lifted from her book, briefly looking my way. Not knowing her thoughts was driving me mad! If she didn't want me around, why would she even glance over. But if she did, why didn't she behave like her old self during any of the several occasions I'd attempted to engage her in conversation? What would get her attention?
"...and I've lost you again..."
What would stop this one from whining? I changed my line of vision, directing it to her bared cleavage. It was a cold, damp day and she wore a heavy jacket, yet kept her chest bared.
"And you're back," she smiled smugly as she caught me ogling. She gave a little shimmy for my benefit. I gave her a smirk, not even about to attempt a pretense that I was doing anything but ogling.
"They look cold," I commented. "As long as they're already cold..." I licked my lips suggestively as I lowered my head. She gasped, both surprised by my actions and stunned by my icy touch as my tongue traced a line between her mounds, as she'd daydreamed about all week. There, that shut her up.
More importantly, it satisfied my frustrating desire to taste her skin to see if it matched her scent...it didn't. It actually kind of turned me off. That was good.
Most importantly, I had Grey's full attention. She stared at me intently, her already dark eyes seeming to darken even more. Better still, there was a rumble. It wasn't a clear sound to me, whatever her thoughts were at the moment, but it wasn't silence. I applauded myself, having achieved what I wanted. My own self-satisfaction almost blocked the thoughts of envy from everyone else who'd been a witness to my plea for attention. It made me even more pleased with myself. Well played Cullen.
Or was it?
Grey had left her corner and was nowhere to be seen. Or heard.
"Updates have been lacking bro." Emmett caught me on my way to stalk Grey at her house again. "Found a subject?"
"Oh yeah. Not a problem." I hadn't bothered with my car this time. It was too conspicuous parked on any of the streets nearby. It took me the same amount of time to run anyway. I was currently lounging in the oak outside her window. Lucky my phone was set to vibrate or she may have caught me.
"And... Come on! I want details! Who, what and how stacked is she?"
"How do you even know it's a she?"
A low snicker came from the other side. "As if it wouldn't be. Face it Edward, you're a chick magnet. They're all drawn to you..."
"Uh huh. He says to the virgin..." I ducked behind a large branch as her overhead light came on.
"Only because you push them to run away."
"Only because I'm revolting once they know me," I corrected him.
"So how well does this one know you?"
"She knows my tongue," I gloated. Emmett wouldn't let me off without details anyway, so I played his game. "And yeah, she's stacked."
"She returned the favour yet?"
"No!" I frowned at his intrusive question and then sighed. "No," I said more sullenly.
"What's the issue? If you got her, like you said, she'd do whatever you wanted. You know the rules."
"Yeah..."
There was a brief silence from his end. "What's the problem, really?"
"She's boring."
"Oh fuck, Edward! You're too damned cerebral for your own good! You'll never get laid if you're looking for mental stimulation from a highschool chick!"
"Mm-hmm," I mumbled my agreement. "Anyway, this wasn't about getting laid; I was having fun..."
"No better way. Trust me on that!" He let out a loud laugh and I covered the speaker on my phone to drown him out. Grey was near her window.
"Hey Em..." I spoke quietly. Not just to keep her from hearing, but because I was in serious need of advice. "You ever had someone who 'could' resist you?"
"Riiiight!" he snickered. When I didn't join in, he realized this wasn't part of the game talk. "What's the deal there dude? You wanna talk about it?"
I didn't, no. I didn't want to be so obsessed by it, but I was and so, I needed to talk. "There's this girl..."
"Not the one you licked," he surmised.
"Right. This one's different. She's interesting..."
"Interesting, how...?"
"Just in general. She's an interesting person. She's different from the others."
"And she's not into you, is that it?"
"I dunno. She was. And now...nothing. She's even blocking her thoughts from me. Seriously fucking annoying."
He chuckled softly. "Is that was she's so interesting Edward? Be honest...you do love a challenge."
"Honest? What the fuck's that?" I laughed. "I dunno...maybe. The longer she blocks me, the more angry I get about it and I can't let it go. I have to know why and more importantly, how, she blocks me."
"It's her thoughts you want? That's it?"
"I don't know. Maybe." She had turned the overhead light off. Now she stood in the window, with a muted light illuminating just one side of her. She was fascinating to look at, even if I couldn't hear her.
"Advice?"
"Please," I whispered.
"Give up the stacked lollipop and go after what's more 'you'. Simple. Rosalie's home, gotta go."
"Say hi for me." I hung up and watched Grey for the next hour. She was motionless, but for one hand twisting a strand of her long hair around her fingers. It captivated me. I wanted to feel what she felt...how did her hair feel against her skin? How would it feel against mine? I couldn't recall feeling more peaceful than simply watching her doing nothing.
Why was she ignoring me?
I think I felt hurt by her rejection. It wasn't merely curiosity and anger. There was definitely something more.
What could I do? I could be anything she wanted me to be. Vampires are the best actors in existence, because we live an act daily. Maybe she didn't like my gothic look. Maybe she liked being the only one who displayed any sort of independence and originality. I'd ask her.
I just wondered if she'd answer.
Her light came on suddenly, startling her even more than me. A woman appeared by her side; her mother? She was speaking quietly and placed something in her hand. Grey closed it into a fist and shut her eyes just as tightly. She turned to her mother and the light snapped back off.
Watching intently now, I saw Grey examining the contents in her hand before closing it up again. She opened her window and took a deep breath of the cool night air before taking a quick peek behind her. Then she dropped whatever she had been given onto the ground below, watching with the slightest grin as the rain poured down around her.
Mr Willis announced our primary project for the term the next day. We were to put on our own charity events, either solo or group effort, our choice. Jessica smiled over at me, chewing on her lip as she flipped her pencil back and forth. The motion made her jiggle, but she knew that. I looked away and started jotting down notes.
She didn't take the hint and strolled over. "Wanna do this together?"
No fucking way. "Um, actually, I think I've got this one nailed on my own. You'd be better with your usual group."
Pouting, her mind went nuts on me. Damn, she even whined in her thoughts! Eventually, she took the hint and left me alone. I hurriedly wrote down my ideas and then walked to the back corner.
"I'm sitting here now," I stated as I loomed over the boy next to Grey's desk. "You're by the window." I took his place without a response.
Grey stared at me, frozen.
"So I've got all these ideas, I wondered what your thoughts are?" Seriously, what are your thoughts? I placed my notes on her desk.
"Wow. You just came up with this?"
I nodded, trying to maintain eye contact. "So what do you think?"
She shrugged. "You'll get an 'A' for sure."
"I was thinking more of us getting an 'A'. Would you be interested in working together?"
She stared at me incredulously. "You have friends now. You don't have to do this..."
"I want to," I said softly.
"Why?" Her voice was soft as well, but blunt.
"Because I liked what you had to say, in your speech, and I'd like to hear more from you."
She buried her chin in her chest. "No one's interested in what I have to say."
"I am." I turned my chair to face her. "Will you consider it at least? Please?"
"Why?" she asked again, barely above a whisper.
"Because..." I chuckled and looked down myself. "Because I find you to be a very interesting person and I'd like to know you better."
That was the most honest, direct statement I ever recalled making to a human. I was as shocked to say it as she was hearing it. A small grin lifted one corner of her mouth and she nodded.
"I'll think about it."
I pulled up along side her as she trudged along in the rain. I'd parked down the street from her house very early so I'd be sure to catch her. "Hey! My car's too dry! Can you help me out?"
I got a sound resembling a cut-off giggle and she hesitated before reaching for the door handle. "Why are you here?"
"I take the scenic route every Thursday," I replied with a grin as I pulled away from the curb. "Put your seatbelt on."
She gave me a stubborn look and for a moment, I thought she'd refuse to buckle herself in. She did seem to be considering it.
"So, what have you been listening to lately?" I asked, lightening the mood. Her reply wasn't instant. I fucking hated not being able to read her!
"Um..." She had her head down, picking at her fingernails. I noticed the dark blue nail polish was chipped and her nails were bitten down to the quick. "I revisited 'The Black Parade'."
"Hmm. Pretty gloomy selection."
She shrugged. "I thought I was done with it..."
"You've been really quiet," I commented softly. "Is something wrong?"
Her eyes turned to me. I looked back, occasionally glancing at the road to appear that I needed to. "You should concentrate on driving," she lectured.
Instead, I pulled over.
"What are you doing? We'll be late..."
"I'll get us there in time, don't worry." I leaned against my door so I could look at her straight on. "You're upset."
She seemed to get a little anxious. I caught a fluttering of jumbled thoughts, nothing I could make out. "I guess."
"With me?"
"Conceited much?" she retorted.
Despite her slam, I grinned. "Sorry."
"A little," she admitted quietly.
"Okay. Can I ask why?"
She shrugged and chewed on an almost non-existent nail. I pulled her hand away from her mouth, careful to touch only her jacket, not her hand itself.
"Grey, you've been ignoring me all week. I've been trying to talk to..."
"You lied," she stated, cutting me off.
Sure, it's what I do. "About...?"
"You said you weren't into anyone at school...that you'd rather be alone..."
"Ah. What if I told you that wasn't a lie..."
"Edward, please don't treat me like an idiot."
"I'm not. I wouldn't." I sincerely meant it. "It was a game...the whole thing with Jessica. A dare from my brother. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. We're essentially cruel, heartless beings. I sometimes forget that the targets of our challenges aren't."
"So...I'm another dare, right? Please be honest!"
I stared intently at her as I shook my head and cursed myself for the lie I was about to tell. "My brother doesn't even know about you."
She smirked half-heartedly. "Of course not. I'm not worth talking about. Sorry, that was really stupid of me." Her hand went back to her mouth and I fought the urge to move it again.
"You know," I said in a teasing manner. "I'm fairly certain you haven't been completely honest yourself."
Looking baffled by my statement, she took her hand away on her own. "I haven't lied to you."
"No? Really?" I grinned at her coyly. "Grey..."
Her cheeks flushed and she shook her head with a shy little grin.
"At least you know my name," I continued teasing. "Grey..."
"Okay okay!" She was giggling more now. I enjoyed the sound of it. "I get it. So we're both liars out of convenience."
"Two of a kind."
"Freaks that flock together," she quipped.
I smiled genuinely. "You're feeling better today."
Her eyes looked at me, really looked at me for the first time all week. "Yeah. I like your new hair colour. It looks great."
"So I've been listening to The Raconteurs a lot." I made a quick subject change. Though my appearance would indicate I wanted to draw attention to myself, the opposite was true. "If you're on 'The Black Parade', I should be learning something darker for you."
"You're seriously learning a song for me?"
"Absolutely! I keep my word...though it's going to be late. My week is up and I'm not prepared. I got distracted, sorry."
She let out a little snort. "Yeah, I can see how that happened." 'Hard to practice with your head buried in someone's boobs.'
That thought hit me loud and clear while the others had been muffled; clouded. I lowered my eyes, feeling...shame? "I don't see her outside of school," I informed her quietly. "That game...it was just something to keep me from my own Black Parade. Y'know?"
"Sure," she mumbled. "I mean...doesn't matter..." 'He'd never see me that way anyway.'
"You know, you could use my brother's pick-me-up services yourself," I joked, wanting to keep her mood light. I was getting more clear thoughts and I liked that.
"What? A dare?"
"Why not? He'd go easy on you, as a first-timer...just shake things up a bit, let you have fun."
"What would he challenge me to?" She was playing right along.
"Umm, he would challenge you to do something totally insane, like work with me on a class project." I flashed my crooked grin at her.
"Speaking of, we should get going. I can't be late."
I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't heal this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
(Linkin Park)