From the Inside
I don't know who to trust, no surprise
Everyone feels so far away from me
Heavy thoughts sift through dust and all the lies
Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit...
"Hey! It's not Thursday!"
I arrived later the next morning and found her already walking to school. "I know. But I couldn't decide what to listen to and it's really distracting. It's simply not safe to drive with that sort of distraction level, so here I am. Asking for help."
'He's so playing me...' "You get distracted a lot, don't you?"
"I do. But when I'm focused, I'm extremely focused. I focus better when I'm not thinking of you walking in the rain."
"It's not bad today. Just a drizzle." She kept walking along and I inched the car along beside her.
"Oh no. Are you ignoring me again?" I called out.
"Oh no, are you playing me again?" she retorted, a grin in place, but a sadness in her eyes as she glanced at me. 'Oh! He looks different!'
"I swear, I'm not. I wanted to see you," I said with sincerity. "Grey? Will you please ride with me?"
She rolled her eyes at me, but relented and got in. 'If he's not playing me, it's a pity thing.' "You don't have to do this you know. It's more than enough that you're rescuing me from another solo flop in Soc. Crying in front of everyone once was humiliating enough. But seriously, you don't have to drive me to school." 'And please don't toy with me.'
"That wasn't your fault. If the jackasses had shut up and let you finish..."
"Look, Edward...I have to make something clear. I think you're great. It's really nice of you take pity on me. And normally, I'm pretty tough for a girl, but right now..." She turned away from me. "Look, I really can't handle any sort of game right now. Okay?"
She is tough, I thought. But vulnerable as well. I should just leave her alone. "Can you tell me one thing?" I asked quietly. "What's your name?" I loved her honesty. I wanted to see if it would extend to questions I asked as well.
The darkness that had kept me out of her thoughts all week crept back in. No no no...I had been making progress!
"Hmm. You know what? Forget it. You're 'Grey'. If you'd wanted to tell me..."
"My old name is irrelevant. I'm not that person anymore." She spoke in monotone, staring down at her hands folded in her lap.
"Sorry..." Shit! I really was! I hadn't meant to make her sad.
"I...I've been...just Grey for 2 1/2 years. That's just me."
"Okay. Grey it is..."
"If it's really bothering you..."
"No no. I'm just a curious sort. You can ask me something intrusive if you want." I flashed a brief grin.
"Really?" Her cloud began to clear and she gave me a skeptical smile.
"Sure. It's only fair."
She sat in silence. I caught waves of thoughts only, nothing with clarity to give me time to prepare a convincing lie. "Um, wow. I'm drawing a complete blank!"
"Well then, you can reserve your question for another time," I chuckled. "No strings."
"Seriously?" She was giving a lot of thought to something, I just couldn't read it. "Hey, you avoided responding to my request pretty good there Cullen...about not playing games."
"I know," I replied coyly. "It's complicated. Tricky to explain."
"Can you try?" She whispered her plea as I pulled into a parking space.
"Can it wait? The bell's about to ring. I don't want to make you late."
"Shit!" Grabbing her bag in a hurry, she was halfway out of the car when she hesitated. "You'll tell me?"
"Later. Promise."
"Okay, see you in class. Um, thanks for the ride." She closed the door and turning to run towards the school, she slammed into Jessica who was making her way just as quickly towards my car.
"Omph!" Jessica uttered as they collided. "Jeez! Watch it!"
Grey scrunched up her face, looking as though she had something to say but ran off instead, as first bell rang.
'Aw cute, he gave the little freak a ride.' Jessica planted herself in Grey's vacated seat next to me. "Hi!" She smiled widely. 'Wonder how long I should wait to ride him...'
"Hi. Um, the bell rang didn't it?" What are you doing here? Get the fuck out, I'm losing her scent!
She shrugged. "I just wanted to see you. I've missed you!"
"Okay. You saw me yesterday," I pointed out bluntly.
"I know...hey, we should like, exchange numbers so we can talk at night!" 'Maybe go for ride...I really want to ride...'
Christ no. "Yeah, I've gotta get to class." I got out in a hurry and waited for her so I could lock my car. "See ya."
I bolted as soon as my locks engaged. Stupid human. Wonder how much she'd enjoy the ride when it actually came to that; when she was mounted on icy granite. Though some do like it, apparently. Aside from that, there was the distinct possibility I'd kill her if handed the opportunity. Would she still want to ride knowing that?
Truthfully, I considered keeping my options open with her, I was sick of being a virgin. Problem was, even though losing my virginity was pretty high on my wants list, I didn't know if I could go through with the kill afterwards. The only other option, because I couldn't allow her to expose my family's secret, was to change her. I knew I couldn't do eternity with her. Fuck, no!
I raced to third period, wanting to be seated already in my new spot at the back with Grey before Jessica got there. Not a problem, I was first in class, flashing a grin at a shocked Mr Willis.
'No make up and rings today and he's early...'
Grey arrived soon after and smiled as she took her place next to me. "You're determined huh?"
"Definitely. I'm committed to this partnership. We're gonna blow these assholes away with our charity event." I grinned smugly. My idea was to hold a talent show.
"Your idea is great, but a lot of work. Maybe we should get going in the early planning at lunch?" Her suggestion came out with more than a little shyness and uncertainty.
"Oh, uh...sorry, but I can't today. I have to do something at lunch."
"That's okay." She shook her head and dug into her bag for a pen. 'Don't blame you for wanting to fuck Jessica instead of hanging out with me for a Soc project. Typical.'
The class had filled up and Mr Willis called for us to get to work, so we did. Class went faster than any had for me in all my years of highschool. As I stood and gathered my books, Jessica appeared by my side.
"So, wanna hang out tonight? We could go out or stay in...my parents will be out late." She brushed against me suggestively.
"Can't. I've got plans I can't break tonight. Sorry." I tried to keep a balance of sincerity, in case I did decide to fuck her, and a polite brush off, because I really did want her to disappear until that decision was made.
'Oh my god! He's ditching me for the class freak! I'll be the laughing stock of the entire school!' "Yeah. Cool. Whatever. I just thought you'd like some company rather than being a loser at home alone on a Friday night." I didn't miss her eyes running over Isabella as she said that last bit.
Not fucking nice. Jessica didn't even know her! Maybe she didn't notice since she was busy packing up her bag. I recalled the sadness in her eyes that morning when she told me she wasn't feeling very strong. She didn't need this bitch's attitude.
"Right, well I actually prefer it that way." I snapped at Jessica, suddenly not caring how the school would perceive her. She was the lunch period car-hopper, after all. She has to know people already thought nasty things of her. Isabella left before I could say anything more to her.
Chasing after her in the hall after 4th period, I forced myself to pursue her at human speed. Otherwise, it wouldn't have been a chase at all.
"Hey," I said casually as I stepped into place beside her.
She frowned. "Hey. Thought you had something to do."
"I do. I was wondering if you'd come along. If you'd like to, that is."
Her face lit up. "Anything to get away from here!"
"Do you want me to stop at a drive-thru or something?" I asked as we headed for town.
"Not unless you need to. I brought my lunch." She pulled out her sack to show me the proof. "Looks like...pasta salad? I dunno. My mom..." She rolled her eyes and laughed as she packed it away.
"Well go ahead!" I encouraged her. "You're not going to eat it?"
"In your car? I'm allowed?"
I chuckled and reached for her lunch. "Please...eat."
"What about you?"
"Nah. I'm fine." Unless your mother packed a small concealed animal with warm, fresh blood in that sack.
"I'll share with you! It looks gross but it's actually pretty good."
I smiled at her offer. "Thanks, but really, I'm fine. I don't eat at lunch."
"So what do you do?" She dug into her salad and looked at me with interest. She seemed more like the girl I knew from the music shop now.
"Run errands?" I suggested with a grin.
"That's today...oh hey! I meant to ask earlier - what's with the new look today? Are you going normal on me?"
I'd taken out my piercings and toned down the hair. "Uh, it's just for today. To make my mom happy."
"I didn't mean it in a bad way, you know. You actually look really good." I glanced over an caught her blushing. "Not that you didn't before..." 'Shut up. Just stop talking! You're making an ass of yourself! As if I ever stop when I should...' "Where are we going anyway?"
"I have to pick something up for my mom. A gift. It's her birthday." I'd found a portrait of her with her baby on an online auction. Apparently it had been in the attic of her old house since her 'death' and the family who lived in it since was having an estate auction. I'd purchased it for her and left it until the last minute to arrange for it to be sent to the gallery here for pick up. Esme was worth the extra effort, she asked so little of me so I relished the idea of surprising her this way.
Inside the gallery, I examined the painting as the owner cleared my payment for their handling fee. I gave a generous tip for their care of my gift. It was perfect.
"That's gorgeous! Does your mom collect art?" Grey asked as we left the gallery.
"Not really. This piece is special though...it belonged to her family a century ago."
"Seriously? That is so cool! How do you know that? Where'd you find it? Oh shit...there's my mother! Hide me!" She ducked behind me as I lifted the trunk. "Too late," she groaned as a woman waved from across the street.
"Hi honey!" She called out as she crossed over. "I thought that was you. Why aren't you at school?"
Aw fuck. Had I gotten her in trouble again?
"It's lunch. He had to pick something up so I came along. We're doing a project together. Oh, um, Edward, this is my mom, Renee."
Shit. She'd mentioned a step-father, which meant her last name would be different. Avoiding addressing her, I nodded politely. "Hello. It's nice to meet you."
'Oh boy, he's a handsome one!' "You too Edward. This is the boy you've been talking about? Now I see why!"
"Mom!" Grey hissed indignantly. "So, we should go. Back to school." She nudged me with her foot.
"Right. We should," I agreed. "I can't afford a detention today. My mom would kill me! It's her birthday," I explained to Renee. "That's why we're here. If I hadn't left this so late, we'd be working on the project at school."
'Brilliant Edward! Thank you! God, it's like he knows I'm not supposed to leave school.'
Was she grounded? Damn, it was frustrating me to no end that I couldn't read her entirely. "Will you be in trouble now?" I asked quietly once we were inside the car alone. I wasn't used to parental rules, myself.
She shrugged. "I dunno. Renee's pretty cool on her own. If she keeps this between us, I should be fine."
"I'm sorry. I wouldn't have made you come along if I'd known...
"You didn't make me!" she laughed. "By the way, you're still not clear of the answer you owe me from earlier. You said it's complicated, but we have the whole drive back." She looked at me with a grin as she bit into an apple from her lunch sack. "And it is later. You promised."
I grinned at her candor. She was definitely getting over whatever was bothering her. "It is and I did... Look, Grey... I'm essentially a loner. Not only because we move around so much, but because I choose to be. My siblings, however, are much more social, yet still always lumped in with me as a family of freaks. They've learned to work that. They like to play. A lot. They draw me into their mischief from time to time."
"This being one of them."
I nodded. "Not this..." I indicated the two of us here, now. "This is entirely my own doing. By choice, Grey. Trust me." I glanced over to see her expression. It matched her dubious thoughts. She didn't trust me. Good girl.
"I don't know why I should. You just told me you play around a lot. Why wouldn't this be another game? If it was, it's not like you'd admit it and ruin your fun, right?"
"Point taken," I replied smoothly. "I suppose I have to earn your trust. Jessica was the game, but she bores me. I'm being completely honest here...I've never met a person I've found to be as interesting to me as you are." Okay, so I omitted the part about my hit and miss mind reading with her being a huge part of that interest and I did lie about Emmett not knowing. He did encourage this bigger challenge. I gave her a version of truth and hoped it would be enough for her.
She didn't respond verbally at first but her thoughts went wild. Too messy to read.
"You doubt me," I stated.
"I'm supposed to believe you'd rather have a conversation with me than be with Jessica? Give me a break!"
"Why is that so hard to believe?"
"Because she's hot! All the guys want her. She's what every guy likes..."
"Easy?" I snickered. She laughed along with me. It was a pleasing sound.
"Look, all I'm saying is that I'm not an airhead. I get that guys are into her and her type..."
"Yet I'm here with you right now," I reminded her. I didn't like that she had such a low opinion of herself. She was really cute. If I were human...
"You licked her at school!" she retorted.
"Okay. I did..." I felt ashamed of myself now.
"I can't believe you did that!" She was amused! "Like, in front of everyone! For a loner, you're pretty bold."
"Are you teasing me?" I asked with amusement myself.
"I'm just pointing out that she is what you want, really. Or her boobs are anyway... And I don't want to be part of some jealousy game or whatever. I get it. She's stacked. Who wouldn't want to lick them? So I'm not jealous...well I am, but I'm not playing. Okay?"
Holy fuck she was honest! "Okay. I promise I won't play with you. Happy?"
"No!" she laughed. "I kinda want to play. Being good is making ME bored!"
"You make my head spin, you know that?"
'You make mine clear.' She bit down on her lip and looked away shyly. "So what was the game anyway? To make her your fuck puppet or just to see how long it would take to get her?"
"Fuck puppet?" I laughed. "More of a puppet in general, I'd say. Or a pet."
"Can I ask my intrusive question now?"
"Oh no...the one on reserve? Go ahead..."
"And you'll answer honestly?"
Not likely. "Why not? Lay it on me."
"Did you...You know..." 'Is she as easy as she acts?'
"Did I sleep with her? No." Ha! I didn't even have to lie!
"Will you?"
"I believe that's two questions..." I taunted her.
"I believe that means 'yes'."
"I believe you don't know me well enough to make that call."
Her eyes locked on mine as a smile spread on her face. "I guess we'll have to change that."
We can't change that Isabella. You can't know me. You can't trust me. "Tell me something, what song comes to mind?"
"Huh?" I threw her off with the sudden topic change.
"Right now...what song pops in your head?"
"Um...'From the Inside'."
"Cool."
Take everything from the inside
And throw it all away
'Cause I swear for the last time
I won't trust myself with you...
(Linkin Park)