Bittersweet Symphony

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds
That recognise the pain in me yeah...

Bella laughed softly, ignoring my offer to listen and unwrapped herself. "Whew, getting warm in here now! Can you feel it?"

I shrugged. "Barely. I wasn't cold so I guess it doesn't seem any different really. Are you too warm now?" I didn't have a clue about human comfort. And obviously, even my vampire charm wouldn't get her to open up her secrets hidden behind that damned cloud.

"I can take my jacket off, I'll be fine. Unless...are we staying awhile?"

"Sure. Why? Do you want to go?"

"No! I..." 'I want him to kiss me. But...what if he wants more?'

"Does your nose still hurt?" I hadn't picked up any indication of pain throughout the day, first time all week.

"It's fine..." Her eyes locked on mine.

I traced a line under one of her darkened eyes very lightly. "The bruising is starting to fade."

"Turning green." She laughed and poked her tongue out. "Purple's cooler." Taking my hand between hers, she held it before placing it against her cheek and then her lips. "Thank you for taking care of me." She spoke so softly I wasn't certain if it was a thought. She kissed my hand several times before letting it go. It went back to her cheek, as if on it's own accord.

"Bella...I'd like to kiss you. Could I?" Good question. I'd never kissed someone I didn't intend to kill. I didn't know if the anxiety I was feeling was fear of that desire with her or 17 year-old virgin anxiety.

'Yes!' She held my hand again and inched nearer. "Yeah. You can..."

I held my breath as I moved in, not wanting her alluring scent to attract me further. She seemed as nervous as I was and moved at the same time, colliding with my head.

"Oh! Shit, sorry..." she giggled.

"You okay?"

Nodding, she chewed on her lip. "I'll just wait for you."

I nodded in agreement. "Be still..." As I was inches from her lips, she began giggling. I pulled away. "What?"

"God, I just remembered my dinner. I taste like salami. Gross."

"I don't care." I didn't. I just wanted to see if I could pull this off.

"You're sure?"

"Positive..." I moved in once more and again, the laughter started. "Bella..." I sighed. "You're not making this easy."

"I'm sorry...nervous..."

I sighed again and moved so I sat beside her. "Okay. We don't have to do this."

"I want to!"

I smiled over at her and took her warm hand in my icy one. Her fingers were so tiny. I held them up to my lips and gently kissed them, then the back of her hand. "There. That's good for now."

'He kissed my hand...no one has ever...that's enough for him? Really?' She stared at me seriously. "Really Edward? You can be satisfied with that?"

I don't want to kill you this instant, even though I'm tasting your skin so yeah...perfectly satisfied. I grinned at her playfully. "Okay, maybe just one more." I held her hand up again and this time turning it over to kiss her palm softly. Pushing the sleeve of her hoodie up, I kissed her wrist as well drawing a sigh and giggle from her. She's been kissed, but not like this. It pleases her. It pleased me to please her.

She rested her head against my hard shoulder and closed her eyes, sighing contently as I trailed my fingers along hers and up her wrist. After several passes, I felt something on her skin...bumps. I held it up to take a look.

"Bella? What's this from?" She had scars on her wrist. Upon closer examination, they resembled tiny letters. 'CRS'

She blushed and pulled away, tugging down her sleeve.

"I'm sorry..." I apologised immediately. "I crossed your line there, didn't I?"

'I should just tell him...' She gazed at me sadly, so much sadness behind her eyes. "It's...initials," she began quietly. She held her wrist up for me to see. "Charles Riley Swan. My brother."

I frowned in confusion. "You said you didn't have a brother." First she did, then she didn't, now she does. Permanently etched in her skin.

"I don't anymore." A single tear flowed down her cheek. "He died."

"Oh. Shit. Bella, I'm sorry. I..." This explained her sadness. "You were close," I stated, realizing the depth of her pain. If I lost Alice...and she wasn't even my real sister...

"My best friend," she confessed. "He was called Riley, since my dad's Charlie. He was 6 years older than me and he was the best brother..." A tiny sob escaped and she paused to collect herself. "When my parents split, it was horrible. My mom smothered me, staking her claim on me. Charlie acted like Riley and I didn't exist. Got a new girlfriend and moved on, sending consolation gifts for holidays. Riley was already in university, off on his own so it didn't affect him the same way. But he saw what it did to me..."

I felt helpless as I watched her sob into her hands. Fuck, what had I started? I wasn't prepared for anything like this! Awkwardly, I draped a quilt over her shoulders and drew her against me, my hand on her back. She snuggled against my granite body, somehow.

"He was so awesome. He'd come pick me up at school, sometimes pull me out of class and we'd go goof off together. Just me and him. He acted like I was the most important person in the world. I wasn't a nobody with him...ever...now that he's gone..."

"Bella, it's simple. He saw you like I do. You are someone special. You can believe in that." This was her loneliness. Her sense of isolation. The only person she believed in, who thought she was important enough to ditch everything for...was gone. This is understood. If I didn't have my family, my support system, the only ones who knew me as I am, I'd be worse than Bella is.

Once again, she amazed me with her strength. She was as much on the outside as I was, but completely alone with it.

"Will you be okay?" I'd parked on the street a few houses down from Bella's. She had cried on me for a good hour or more during which time, I had difficulty separating the open stream of thoughts from what she was actually saying to me. It was like I'd opened a floodgate. Since we left the cottage though, utter silence. It was unnerving.

"Sure," she replied quietly. "Sorry for that. I know that wasn't what you had in mind when you suggested we hang out. Shitty day all around for you, huh?"

I ignored her attempt to joke, staring at her intently. "Bella, I'm glad you told me. I know it wasn't easy for you. This day has been much harder on you."

She had told me about his death; a job site accident. When it happened, she was at school and the principal had come to get her so she could go home and find out she would never again see her brother. She had been in the middle of a reciting a speech in front of the class. That is what came to her mind every time she had to get up in front of a crowd and speak.

And I had left her alone to do that for us.

And then drawn out the painful story she never speaks about.

Clearly, I had no clue how to deal with human relationships. This one in particular, because she was so different, so intense about real issues, not the drivel the other girls pissed and moaned about. It made her vastly more interesting and also more terrifying. I had no right to be fucking with her. She deserved better.

'I've ruined it. He might understand this part, but it's too heavy for him. He's so gonna bolt...'

She was on the right track with her thoughts. I couldn't see this through. "So I'll see you sometime next week I guess."

'Blown it!' "I don't have free reign on when I can go out, but I don't have visitor restrictions. You could come over...unless you're grounded too?"

Not looking at her face, I shook my head. "I'm going to go visit my brother. Might as well take advantage of my extra long weekend, right?" I smirked.

'Avoiding me...' "Cool." She stared blankly at my hand on the steering wheel. 'It's my fault he's suspended, only fitting that I'm sending him running to avoid me altogether.' "Look, I feel really bad that all of this was because of me. You don't have to defend me anymore. I don't care what they say about me anyway."

"But you do." I countered and stared at her profile. "You do care. They have no right to make things up about you. They don't even know you." And I shouldn't know you...

'See, thing is Edward...it's not entirely fabricated... Ha! He'd go LIVE with his brother if he knew me for real...'

Moving my hand to her cheek, I tilted her head so she was forced to look at me. "Bella..." I wanted to cut it off right here and now, before it got worse for both of us.

'God...he's doing it again...' "There you go again Edward, looking into my soul."

And I see me bringing you more pain that you just can't endure... "You might want to fix yourself before you go inside," I advised softly and flipped the visor down for her to use the mirror.

"Holy shit! I'm a total mess!" 'Fuck! No wonder he's going away. Now I look even worse on the outside than I am inside.' She dug for some tissues and wiped at the smeared eye make-up, cringing at the pressure needed to remove it from the tender areas where the bruising was the worst. "Sorry, this could take awhile." She found a half bottle of water in her bag and tipped some onto the tissue to start over with frustration.

"Here, let me help." I followed her lead and gently wiped an eye clean while she worked on the other. Then I held her face to examine the results. "Much better," I whispered before placing my lips against each eye.

'Oh god...why did I have to fuck this up? He's so...perfect. It would've been really good...' "You're great Edward. I just want you to know that." She kissed my cheek quickly and left the car, running up the street to her house without looking back.

"Edward! I can't believe you're here!" Rosalie greeted me with a hug and excitement when I showed up. "Em's out. He'll be back soon though."

"You look great Rose. New York agrees with you?"

"I don't know. It's strange being away from you. I miss you all so much! And the weather isn't great here so we're stuck inside a lot..." A smirk passed over her mouth. "Which isn't entirely bad."

Rosalie and Emmett were extremely affectionate vampires and not the least bit shy. I'd known Rosalie longer than the other 'siblings' but we shared a different relationship. In some situations, she was my sister. Sometimes my brother's wife. I was closer to everyone else, no matter what our pretense. Still, I hadn't seen her for months and I had to admit, I missed her as well.

"It's overcast now," I grinned. "Let's go."

We linked hands and ran down the stairs of her apartment building, daring each other on the last two flights to jump rather than take the stairs. She kicked her heels off and went for it. With a laugh, I followed. She was fun when she wasn't being prissy. Appearances meant a great deal to her in her human life and she carried that over. It was when she cut loose and was playful I enjoyed her the most. She jumped on my back and I ran her to my car.

"No way Edward! I can't ride in this. It reeks like human! What the hell have you been doing?"

I ignored her question and got behind the wheel of her car instead. "Top down?" I grinned.

"Absolutely!"

She directed me to the highway, where we sped along getting stares from people who only saw two idiots who should be freezing laughing their heads off in a convertible. Making me drive down to Manhattan, she took dragged me into store after store, spending money like there was no limit.

Really, there wasn't. We had no need for budgets when we could have Alice predict the lottery or a stock boom. We got odd looks at our free spending and Rosalie lapped up the attention.

"God, we would have made a gorgeous couple," she commented as she stared at our reflection in a store window.

"As humans? We'd have killed each other," I laughed.

"True. As vamps too!" she winked and swatted my butt. "Thirsty?"

I shrugged. I wasn't desperate yet.

"We should stop on the way home. There's a place with your favourite not too far from our apartment!"

Okay, so maybe I was interested...

Emmett was waiting for us when we returned, thrilled to have me visiting as well. I was in great spirits having had my fill of mountain lion. As much as I detested the hunt, the kill, the feeding...something very primal grabbed me when it came to that prey. I could resist most others, but even fully satiated, I couldn't thwart my desire for it's blood.

"God, I'd never leave that hill if I lived here," I laughed as Rosalie related our hunt to Emmett.

"Good. You and I've got a date out there tomorrow," he grinned, slapping my back. "You're staying awhile?"

"I got a few days off school, so yeah." I filled them in on my latest antics.

"God! Humans are so revolting!" Rose was put off by the remarks of an asshole, just as I had been. "Even suggesting you'd be involved in something like that...Alice is your sister! It's disgusting. You were right to flatten that pig. He deserved worse."

Emmett smirked at me with interest. "I have a feeling it wasn't entirely about defending his sister's honour. Right bro?"

"Not entirely," I admitted.

"What? What did I miss?" Rose leaned forward with renewed interest.

"Edward's got a new interest." The smirk stayed on Emmett's face as he told Rosalie about Bella.

"So it's a game?"

"No," I denied hastily. "Not at all. She's...vulnerable. I couldn't play with her that way."

"They're ALL vulnerable dummy! They're humans!" She smacked my leg to emphasize my stupidity. "What's so special about this one?"

"She's an anomaly. She can resist a vampire," Emmett chuckled. "Edward can't read her all the time. He's obsessed with finding out why."

"So? It is a game of sorts then. You're not like, in love with this human are you?"

I hesitated before denying that as well. "I feel something for her. She's different. The more I know about her, the more I realize I've never encountered anyone like her. She's sincere...real. Honest."

"Holy fuck. You're in love with a HUMAN!" Rosalie was appalled.

"I didn't say that..."

"You don't have to, you dumb shit. It's blatant. What are you thinking!"

A chuckle of amusement came from Emmett. "I can't read his mind, but I'm pretty sure I know what he's thinking..."

"Fuck off." They'd ruined my mountain lion high and I was pissed.

"Don't get grumpy. We'll stop teasing you." Emmett slapped my back amicably.

"I'm not teasing," Rose countered. "It's asinine to get involved with a human this way."

"It was asinine of me to come here to try to sort through it," I snapped at them and left the room.

One of the many ways it sucks to be a vampire is the not sleeping bit. I was now stuck with these two 24 hours a day, without even the reprieve of going to sleep to get away from them. Instead, I selected a book I actually hadn't read and didn't speak again until I'd finished it. 307 pages later, Emmett convinced me to go for a run with him.

"So listen, don't take Rosalie's reaction to heart man. You know how she is..."

"Yeah. I do. And that's why I can't understand why I thought it would be a good idea to come here right now."

Rosalie resented humans. Human girls in particular. She fully embraced her vampire life, especially that part about eternal beauty, but there was still many human things she missed. I should have known she would react badly towards my interest in Bella.

"Duh! You came for the perks!"

"Mountain lion?" I grinned.

"Me!" Emmett laughed as he tore a limb off the tree top he was perched on and tried to poke me off my own tree. Having won the race he challenged me to, he then suggested a climb. I'd have to let him win something or he'd keep at it until he did, so I let him push me off the branch. I nearly destroyed the tree on my fall down, taking several sturdy branches with me. He roared with laughter from above and I relaxed a bit with the sound of it.

"You could change her." Emmett spoke to me quietly as we sat by the stream, watching the bubbles in the slow-moving water as the rain pelted it.

"No. No way." I knew he was trying to be helpful, but I was adamant about keeping her intact as a human.

"What are your options then?"

I shrugged. "I dunno. Leave?"

"You can stay with us if you want to. It'd be great having you around. Of course, you'd be bored as hell until we could get you a valid high school diploma that's current enough to get you into university with us."

I grinned at his sincere offer. "Nah. I don't want to mess up your thing with Rose. You'll be newlyweds soon."

"Again!" We said in unison with a laugh.

"So what are you going to do?"

Good question. "I'll wait it out. I'm involved in a project with her for school. I feel obligated to stick around for that, but when it's done...I should go. Leave her to her life without fucking it up even more."

"You could give it a try. You know, the relationship thing. It's really not so bad." He gave me an understanding grin.

"And if I kill her?" I asked quietly.

He shrugged. "There's risk in every human relationship. Maybe you won't." He stood up and offered me a hand. "Maybe it would be the most amazing thing you'll ever experience. Think about it."

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold

And I'm a million different people
From one day to the next
I can't change my mold no no no no...

(The Verve)