Once Cassandra was done showing off her infinite capacity for forgiveness and humility, the Doctor, Jane, Cassandra and Mrs. Ape sat down to a hand of gin rummy.
"So, Doctor Disco," Mrs. Ape drawled, "When will the wedding be?"
"Oh, not for some months," Austen answered before the Doctor could.
"Months? My dear, you cannot wait that long. You must not deny yourself your womanhood."
"Gaining womanhood through unity with a man is not a proposition one can quickly realize."
But Mrs. Ape wasn't listening. Her face had lit up and she turned to Cassandra, "Didn't you say that there was a priest in attendance today?"
"Why, of course; Father Cornister. He joins every card game he can; he's quite the gambler."
Mrs. Ape beamed, "Well then, what is the tarry? Let us see this beautiful union today. Right here, in your house. It will be a great blessing upon your home."
"What a delightful idea!" Cassandra agreed, clapping her hands excitedly.
"No!" Austen said too quickly, but then regained her composure and shook her head daintily, "That will not do at all. I must have my sister by my side for my wedding."
"She will be told all about it, don't worry, dear girl." Said Mrs. Ape, standing up and garnering the attention of the room.
"But my family-" Austen began.
"He is the only family you need now," Cassandra interrupted her, grabbing her hand and squeezing. And then her eyes sparkled, "Harold will want to see this." She turned to a panel on the wall behind her and rang a bell attached to a string that ran into the wall, "He will be with us momentarily."
The Doctor turned to Jane and hissed in her ear, "I can't get married again! I don't want to be like that guy from Friends!"
"Doctor, Harold is the monster I was telling you about- her fiancé. This might be our only chance to inter him." Jane whispered back.
"But-"
"No one is more against this union than I, but if this is how we apprehend this nefarious creature, then so be it." She took his hand and stood up, a steely determination in her eyes.
Mrs. Ape addressed the card players, "Dear friends, today we will bear witness to that most perfect and necessary of God's gifts to humanity: marriage." Several of the attendees clapped; most of them did not look up from their cards. Mrs. Ape turned to a very elderly gentleman with a huge white beard who was far too engrossed in losing the proceeds from the collection plate to be listening. "Father Cornister, will you do the honours?"
Father Cornister did not turn around until one of his fellow players tapped him on the shoulder. He then looked up at Mrs. Ape's beaming face and mumbled something that sounded like agreement.
"Splendid! Now, shall we begin?"
"Shouldn't we wait for the lord of the house?" The Doctor suggested. "Would he want to miss this? I know I would." Austen elbowed him in the ribs, "Not. I would not."
"He will join us in a moment," Cassandra said, "Please begin, Father Cornister."
Father Cornister began murmuring, and he might have been saying 'dearly beloved' or dictating a recipe for soup. The various card players, realising that they would indeed have to put their games on hold, stood up and began congregating around the priest and the allegedly happy couple- except for those who took the time to steal back their losses. The Doctor started looking for possible escape routes, wondering if he could break the window with a long enough run up. The throng, headed by Mrs. Ape and Cassandra, seemed to get closer and closer, more and more foreboding, expectant and fearsome, encircling the Doctor and Jane in a tight, imploring ring. Perfect for a marriage.
Father Cornister paused then and the room turned to The Doctor- it seemed he was expected to say 'I do'.
His eyes widened and he bit his lip. "Ah, well, yes, you see, the thing is- I like Jane, I really do, terrific girl, great writer, absolutely astounding at Mario Kart, but I couldn't really- that is to say, I don't think I'm the one to- really, she deserves-"
"Get on with it," Mrs. Ape commanded, "Correct the course of your life!"
At that moment, the doors burst open and Harold entered. He was a tall man, over six foot, with dark brown hair and a roman nose. He seemed to be adjusting a wrist watch as he entered, "I'm sorry for my absence, I was taking care of some business upstairs." He walked over to Cassandra.
"Oh, dearest, isn't it wonderful?" She whispered, "We are hosting a marriage!"
Harold bowed to Father Cornister, "Then, please, don't let me spoil things."
"Alright then." The Doctor said, pulling his sonic screwdriver from his pocket and pointing it at Harold. It buzzed and Harold seemed to blur.
The card players gasped, Father Cornister wheezed and Cassandra took a step back. But after a second, the sonic stopped whirring and Harold's appearance righted itself; he seemed not to have even noticed that something had happened.
"What's wrong?" He asked, as everyone in the room stared at him.
The Doctor looked down at the readings on the screwdriver, "My goodness, that's a powerful Schimmer. You really are dedicated." He banged on the end of the sonic and pointed it at Harold once more. Again, it was as though the picture of the man had gone out of focus: it fuzzed and fitzed for a few seconds and then suddenly the image of Harold blinked out, like a television screen being switched off.
The Doctor yelled triumphantly "Aha- huh?"
The creature that stood in Harold's place was seven foot tall, with skin as white as snow and a strange, bald, rectangular head. Mrs. Ape screamed.
"That's- that's not a Jarofvex." The Doctor commented, stupefied.
Harold looked down to see his appearance revealed. "You stupid man- look what you've done!" His voice was different- it echoed unnaturally. "You have unmanned me. I demand satisfaction!" He went to draw a pistol from his belt.
Cassandra took a step towards him and grabbed his hand to stop him, "My love-"
Jane called, "No, Miss Bixby, get away from him!"
Cassandra put her other hand on Harold's chest and sighed, "My love, you are revealed. They know. But there is no need for violence." She stroked him and gingerly he let go of his pistol.
Austen's mouth fell open, "You were aware of his true nature?"
"But of course," Cassandra looked at Harold and could not help but smile, "he is my beloved."
"But- but-" Jane looked bewildered, "You are a puritan. You looked down on me for my spinsterhood."
"Yes," Cassandra answered, "The bible is very clear on a woman's place. However, it doesn't say anything about aliens."
Mrs. Ape's mouth was still wide, although she seemed to have run out of scream.
"You." The Doctor addressed Harold,"What are you doing on this planet?"
"I am here to be with Cassandra. I emigrated for love- it's all very above board."
"And the Schimmer?" The Doctor asked, pointing at the 'watch' on Harold's wrist.
"I did not want my beloved to have to foresake her social circle for me. So I bought a deception device with an Orion Battery- enough power to last a lifetime." He grasped Cassandra's hand, "I intend to stay on this planet permanently."
The Doctor gawked. "You have an Orion Battery strapped to your wrist? Do you know what would happen if you pressed the wrong button on that thing? You could atomise this entire town." Harold shrugged and pulled Cassandra close to him, the Doctor rolled his eyes. "God, you're all the same, you romantics: 'I don't care if it detonates half of Northamptonshire, as long as I'm getting some'."
"You have knowledge beyond your circumstance, sir," Harold observed. "I take it you are not of this world either?"
"Well, no. It's why I came here, actually: I thought you were a Jarofvex."
"How dare you?" Harold's hand reached for his pistol once more, "You insult me! I demand satisfaction."
The Doctor held up his hands, "No, I mean, there is a Jarofvex on the loose in this house."
Harold scoffed, "There most certainly is not. Don't be-"
At that exact second, Felix burst into the room, screeching, and ran to hide behind the Doctor. The Jarofvex loped in after him.
"Told you." The Doctor said.
The Jarofvex stopped in the doorway and sniffed the air, "So much technology," it growled happily. Looking from Harold, to the Doctor, to Jane, to Felix. "Who will give it to me? Who will spare themselves?"
Mrs. Ape found her voice again and started screaming at the Jarofvex.
"Shut it!" Roared the alien, and its metallic left arm shifted into a long spear which it rammed into Mrs. Ape's chest.
Her screaming stopped.
She fell to the floor, and Cassandra went to call out, but Harold grabbed her arm, "No, my love," he said, "The Jarofvex has very accute hearing; do not anger it."
"If you really don't want me angry," the Jarofvex said, "Then give me that thing on your wrist."
Harold put his hand over the Schimmer, "I will not."
"Then I will pluck it from you."
"Wait, why do you need a Schimmer?" The Doctor asked, "I mean, obviously you wouldn't want to look like that if you could help it, but we've already seen you."
"The core," Answered the Jarofvex, taking particular time over the word, "They blocked it off to me. But with an Orion Battery, and a slight bit of tweaking," here its arm morphed briefly into hundreds of tiny tendrils, "I can blast through their stupid shields and feast to my heart's delight!" The Jarofvex supped the air at the thought.
"Well, I hate to disappoint you but the core of this planet is actually a giant spider's web," The Doctor said matter-of-factly.
"What?" Austen asked, incredulous.
"Long story," The Doctor replied, "But that's why he can't get through."
"Enough explanations!" The Jarofvex slathered, "I will have what I want!" Its left arm formed into a saw and it stepped towards Harold. The Doctor raised his screwdriver, but the Jarofvex flicked him away with its claw. He flew into a wall and banged his head, hard. Cassandra screamed, and the Jarofvex slashed her, tearing her dress and drawing blood, she fell back into Harold's arms.
"No." He whispered, seeing her injuries.
The Jarofvex, now face to face with Harold, raised its arm to start cutting, when Jane Austen stepped in between them, "I would stop you, sir."
"How?" It smirked.
Austen smirked back, "There's an app for that." She tapped a button on her phone and a high-pitched noise filled the room. The Jarofvex threw its arms up over its ears and shook its head from side to side. It looked to be in agony. Austen bought the phone closer and it reacted even more violently, careening from side to side and dropping to its knees, the metal in it arm shifting forms too quickly to see. "You will not harm my planet," Austen said, and she held the phone even closer to the Jarofvex, when suddenly the metal from its rapidly-changing limb slammed into the phone, smashing it to pieces. The Jarofvex jumped to its feet and knocked Austen back.
"I will slice you all into a thousand pieces and consume this world!" Yelled the Jarofvex, but then Harold was standing before it, holding the Schimmer in his hand, his left on his gun. "Are you giving in?" It asked, delighted.
"You harmed my bride," Harold seethed, white hot with rage.
"Your little gun doesn't scare me." The Jarofvex spat.
"I demand satisfaction!" He pressed a button on the Schimmer and a burst of bright white light consumed the Jarofvex. When it faded, all the furniture in its path had been reduced to ash, all that was left of the Jarofvex was some iron filings.