Space and Time
There'll be no lullabies
There'll be no tears cried
We feel numb 'cause we don't see
That if we really care
And if we really loved
Think of all the joy we'd feel...
I did think about it, but didn't utter another word in regards to Bella, nor my feelings towards her over the next few days. When I returned home, an anxious Alice awaited me.
"Edward! Did you go see Bella?"
"You know I haven't Alice. Don't play the innocent game," I teased. "Emmett and Rosalie send their love by the way."
"Yeah... thanks..." She was distracted.
I saw why. "Alice! Fuck! You can see Bella now too? Why are you fucking with her? Just leave her alone Alice, please!"
"Don't growl at me! I didn't go looking for it, IT came to ME. Because of you, most likely. You know, because she thinks we're twins and she's missing you..."
"Don't go into all that shit. I don't want you messing with her, period! And if you DO see something, keep it to yourself!" Jesus this family could get on my nerves. Did everyone's family interfere this way? I stormed up the stairs inside to get away from her.
"Even if she's in danger?"
That got my attention. "What? What did you see?"
"NOW you're interested?"
"Alice...please...no attitude. I know I deserve it...shut your brain up! I can't think with it screaming at me! You said she's in danger, just tell me!"
"I'm not getting specifics Edward, sorry. There's just a thick darkness around her and she's...hollow..."
Fuck. I knew what she was seeing.
"She needs you." Alice was at my side once more, eyes pleading with me as her thoughts implored me to go to Bella. "Now."
Sighing, I turned around and raced back to my car. Shit. I hadn't made any resolve as to how I'd handle my feelings towards her and here I was rushing off to bury myself in it again. I had some serious issues.
Not giving myself time to back out, I went directly to the front door and rang the bell. Her mother answered shortly. A small smile passed over her stress-worn face when she saw me.
"Come in." She held the door open for the vampire who desired her only living child. "It's good to see you again. You've been away?"
"Yes, visiting my brother... Isabella...is she okay?" I forced a polite response, but I wasn't interested in small talk. I needed to see her. "Can I see her?"
"Sure, of course you can. But Edward, I should warn you honey...she's not really herself right now. She may not respond."
I frowned at her cautioning. "Should I go up to her room?"
"You're here." A tiny, weak voice came from the top of the stairs. My eyes followed it up. Her hair hung limply around her clean-scrubbed face. The bruises had faded so I was seeing a whole new Bella. No make-up, no bruises. Just Bella. But not Bella. She didn't look hurt, or scared, or even sad. She looked...void.
"Hi," I called up with a smile and a small wave. She didn't respond. Was she upset with me again?
"Bella, can we talk?" Nothing.
"This is what I meant hon, I'm sorry." Renee gave me a sad grin, obviously feeling bad for me.
"Bella..." Frowning, I made the decision to do something I didn't want to do. "Grey... would you rather I call you 'Grey'?"
Her eyes drifted towards me, though it didn't seem as though she was quite seeing me.
"Is that it? You'd like that better? Grey...are you alright?"
A tiny voice responded, with something that almost resembled a smirk. "I'm not okay."
"Could I take her out for awhile? Maybe she'll talk to me?" I asked softly.
"Of course...if she wants to. Sweetie, do you want to go out for a little while? Get some air?"
Bella walked down the stairs, like a zombie, looking through us at the front door. She opened it and walked outside, as she was - in sweats and a tee, barefoot. I grabbed her shoes by the front door as Renee pulled a jacket off the hook and passed it to me. I chased after Bella, who was already standing by my car, waiting obediently. That was the only word for it; obedience.
She held her arms out as I pulled her jacket on for her and then I helped her inside, putting her shoes on as well. I buckled her in reached across to set the heat on high. Before moving away, I held her face in my hands to get her to see me. She stared at me blankly. I kissed her forehead softly and closed the door.
"Not very talkative huh?" I said to fill the utter silence in the car. "Well, do you mind if I do the talking then? I'll tell you about my long weekend, okay? My brother's place is awesome, you'd love it. It's not far from the Catskills so we did a lot of hiking. Do you hike at all?" I paused to see if I'd get any type of response and continued when there was nothing. "My family loves hiking. We go a lot. Even if you don't like the outdoors, it's just so beautiful there. His apartment is on the 18th floor and it has an amazing view of the mountains. So cool. I read a whole book in between staring at them from the window. There's snow on them already. Do you like snow?"
Her body shivered. Was that a response? Or was she still chilled? I redirected the heating vents towards her.
"I'm used to snow. Lots of it. I don't mind it at all. Of course, I have no warm blood to tell me I should be freezing so I guess that's why I don't mind it." I acted like I was joking, but it was the truth. I caught a glimpse of the corner of her mouth twitch. "Hey! Was that a smile?"
Nothing in response.
"Okay, so maybe not. Are you okay Grey? Can I do anything for you? What do you need?"
Nothing.
"Do you want me to keep talking to you?"
Her head turned just the slightest bit towards me. "Please," she whispered.
Grinning, I went on. "His girlfriend, Rosalie, dragged me out shopping. Not one of the highlights of the trip, but it filled a day. They're getting married next year, as soon as school finishes. She shops constantly. I don't even know what the hell she's buying but 'it's for the wedding!' is her favourite line lately."
Glancing over, I saw that she was still trying to tune into my voice so I kept at it. "I thought we could go to the cottage for awhile? Would you like that? I should've called Alice and got her to go start a fire... Alice is the only one who knows about my place... aside from you, of course. She won't bother us though. Have you been going to school?" I thought a direct question may get a response now, but still nothing yet.
"Oh! Know what else I did? I ate a hamburger! I think I've told you, I don't really eat much...special diet...but you seem to enjoy them, so I thought I give it a try." I had, too. I'd wanted to see what would happen if I got stuck and had to eat something with her. If I was going to be spending time with the human, it was likely to happen. My experiment was a total fail. It went down with a lot of effort but bringing it back up later on was fucking brutal. I still didn't feel too well. "Yeah, so that didn't go so well. I'm not really a fan, to be honest. I don't know how you can like them so much."
"Burgers are great. You didn't have the right one." It was very quiet, very monotone, but it was a response.
"Alright! You're hearing me! I'm not wasting my time after all." I grinned over at her and saw her eyes locked on mine. She seemed to be seeing me now rather than staring through me. "You okay? Still cold?"
"I'm peachy."
"Peachy?" I chuckled. "Well, okay then. We're here." I unbuckled her seatbelt from my side before going around to get her out. "I don't want you to get hurt walking in the dark, so I'm going to carry you, okay?" I thought for sure I'd get a strong denial, instead, she held her arms out to me.
As I picked her up and cradled her against me, I struggled not to panic. God...I'd forgotten how fucking great she smelled. "You smell so good," I whispered against her hair as I started walking. I smiled to myself as I thought about how her honesty was wearing off on me. I hadn't meant to say that to her.
Inside, I set her down on the old bed in the small room rather than putting her on the cold floor. I lit some candles and grabbed the quilts to wrap her up. "Sit tight, I'll get a fire started and then move you out there where it's warmer. Okay?"
She gave me a slight nod.
What the fuck was wrong with her? I wondered as I busily broke up wood. I'd seen her distant before but this was frightening. Once it was flaming, I placed the screen in front and returned to Bella.
"You still doing alright?" I asked softly.
"Sit with me?"
I complied with her request, placing another quilt between us. I wanted to be close to her but she was shivering already.
"I need a Coke."
"I'm sorry? You need a coat? Here, take mine..."
"No! COKE!" Clear, strong voice. Okay then.
"Oh... I don't have anything... Grey, if I go get you one, will you be okay? You won't go anywhere?"
"Where would I go?" she asked in a whisper.
I wrapped her and locked up the cottage and ran to the nearest store, purchasing a six-pack and some snacks as well as a burger. I didn't know what other requests she'd have and I didn't want to leave her again. I found her exactly as I'd left her, but her eyes seemed a little more focused and she did present a very small grin when I held up the Cokes.
She drank one down thirstily and opened another, just picking at the burger. "Sorry... I'm trying to get my head clear..." she mumbled to me. "Give me a few minutes okay? This will help." She sipped on her Coke again.
"Take your time Grey. I'm not going anywhere. And you can stay as long as you'd like." I sat on the edge of the bed and watched her. I could be patient.
"I'm sorry..."
"Shhh. Nothing to be sorry for. I'll wait."
"Don't call me that."
I lifted an eyebrow in confusion.
"It sounds stupid when you call me Grey."
A smile replaced my frown. Good. It felt stupid calling her anything but Bella.
"You're not wearing your piercings..."
She was clearing. "Nope. Took them out for my trip. The Upstaters are kinda uptight," I smirked. "I just got back and haven't put them back in yet."
"You just got back? And you came to see me?"
"I've been gone for days! I had to come check out the patient," I teased her lightly before turning more serious. "I'm worried about you, if you don't know."
Her eyes drifted upwards to look at me; judging my bullshit level?
"I am worried Bella," I said softly.
"This is freaking you out," she stated.
"No no..." I began to deny it but stopped. "Yeah. I've never dealt with anything like this Bella..." Not just dealing with a very troubled girl, but dealing with a human. Quite possibly I was biting off more than I could chew, but obviously, I couldn't stay away. "But I'm trying."
"You changed your mind."
"Huh? Sorry? I changed my mind about what exactly?"
She shrugged, flicking the top of her Coke can. "About me. You left..."
"Not because of you!" FOR you...because of me. "I needed to see my brother."
"For a new challenge? New distraction?"
I shook my head. "For advice. He knows about you now."
She smiled, a full Bella smile. "You can have one...I won't drink all of these." She held a can out for me.
"No thanks. Not on my diet," I smirked.
"Oh. You're serious about a special diet?" She was getting more coherent by the second and I was realizing she wasn't zoned out earlier, just unresponsive.
I nodded, staring into her eyes.
"From when you were sick? More residual shit?" Her words were slurred slightly, but she recalled everything, including the term I'd used. It was a good sign.
"More residual shit," I grinned. "We'll just keep the drinks here for you for next time."
'Next time...'
A thought! I'd been watching her closely and she hadn't spoken those words! "You're feeling better."
"Yeah. Getting there." She set her can down and moved closer to me. "What did your brother say?"
I squinted as I grinned at her. "I can't divulge private brother talk!"
She made an awkward attempt to roll her eyes and swatted my arm.
"He said I'm being stupid. I should give this a try," I told her honestly. "What do you think?"
She grinned, blushing. "I'd... Edward... I bring a lot of shit with me. More than you know."
"Me too," I whispered.
"Maybe... Maybe we could help each other?"
I nodded. "You first. Bella...what was that? At the house, in the car..."
She smirked. "Not me. That's the me they want me to be. Emotionless." She seemed to be pondering what to tell me. I couldn't get anything from within so I hoped she would. "Medicated," she stated.
"Oh. Always?" I tried to keep my reaction neutral.
Shaking her head, she fidgeted with the cushion on her lap. "No. Only when I 'act out'. They think it's to help me, but it seems more like... a punishment."
"How did you act out? You mean, when we came here that last time? Where you too late?"
She chewed on her lip, pondering some more. "Too sad."
My eyebrows raised in confusion. "Being sad is acting out?"
"Apparently."
"Bella...I feel horrible! If I hadn't made you talk about your brother..."
"No! No, it's not your fault. I need to. I've kept it in too long. I feel like he's disappearing entirely because even saying his name brings out the pills and I'm sick of it." Her words and posture were angry and frustrated but her voice monotone. "See? I can't even get angry."
"The pills are for depression?" I asked gently.
"They 'level me'. Keep me 'balanced'. But it's an illusion. It doesn't prohibit my thoughts, my pain...it just TRAPS it all. Turns it...grey..."
"Grey," I repeated with full understanding. That's what kept me out, not Bella. Her fake name was a statement of her mindset. "What would happen if you didn't take them?"
A grin appeared. "You get craziness, like the other night. I think about rebelling...staying out...with a cute guy..."
I smirked. "You mean being a teenaged girl?"
Nodding, she blushed again. "And I get intense and blubber all over the cute guy..."
"You get sad... Bella, that wasn't craziness, it was emotion." I would know, because I'd been going a little crazy myself since I'd met her. "I hope you're not embarrassed about that. I understand. I may not handle it the best way possible, but I don't think you're crazy."
"You handled it great," she said softly. When she looked up at me, a tear shimmered in her eye. "I haven't felt like that in a long time. It was...you were great."
The tear dropped from her eye as I reached out for her. It hit my hand. Staring at it, mesmerized, I drew it to my lips to taste it. She watched in silence as more fell from her eyes and I leaned towards her, gently brushing them away with my thumb.
"Bella, you don't have to hold back your emotions for me. Ever. The energy you have during those times you say are 'craziness'...it's amazing. It's what drew me to you. It's YOU. And it's perfect."
A sob came out as she wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me towards her. "Uh-oh... I have to warn you Edward. This may be a long one, like last time," she teased as she clung to me. I could feel the wetness from her tears through my shirt already.
"It's okay baby," I murmured as I held her in my stone arms. "I'm not going anywhere." For now.
For a long while perhaps. Emmett's advice seemed very sound to me.
Oh, can you just tell me
It's alright (it's alright)
Let me sleep tonight
Oh, can you comfort me
Tonight (it's alright)
Make it all seem fine
I just can't make it alone...
(The Verve)