No One At All

You're a liar
You're a winner
An expert and a beginner
But you're no one at all...

That human feeling returned immediately upon seeing Bella's name on my call display and a broad smile spread across my face. I would not see her today, but at least I would hear her sweet voice and perhaps I would even be graced with her musical laugh.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Bella's response was quick an sincere when I picked up.

Smiling impossibly wider, I replied, "No Bella. You didn't wake me. Good morning. Did you sleep well?" I already knew she had. I'd watched over her all night, leaving only a few hours earlier to go for my hunt. I had only just showered off the remnants of my disgusting non-human feast when she called. And now, I could pretend to be human again.

It didn't feel like pretence so much these past days. There were moments I'd find myself forgetting to act human...I just felt human. Chatting with Bella over the phone was one of those times. It was easy to relax with her; be myself...at least, the self I wanted to be.

The human moments didn't seem to last quite long enough however, even on the phone. Bella unintentionally brought me back to reality.

"So Renee's in a great mood," she announced. "I have earned a 'free day'. Yay me! Wanna do something together?"

Fuck! I so did... "I'm sorry Bella, I can't." She was on such great spirits, we would have had fun together.

"Oh...you're busy. That's cool. Maybe later on?"

"I'm not busy, just..." Just a vampire, my sweet, lovely Bella. And my fellow coven member has foreseen me being uncontrollable today so you see, I simply can't risk dining on you.

"Edward...you're not well today, are you?" Her voice was filled with understanding and concern.

I hated making her worry, but it wasn't entirely a lie. Vampirism is a sort of illness, in some respects, and I was suffering from intense vampire tendencies even thinking about being near her...smelling her alluring scent. Touching her warm skin and watching the blush grow on her cheeks. Her lips against mine... "No, I'm not well today," I replied softly. "I'm really sorry. I would have liked to spend the day with you."

"Do you need anything?"

"Hmm...your voice," I murmured, lapping up her genuine concern. It wasn't an empty offer.

I was rewarded with the laugh I'd wanted. "I could come to you. Take care of you."

A lump formed in my throat. What the hell was that? "Uh...no...really, you shouldn't..."

"I won't bother you. I can just sit with you. Watch you rest. Get you anything you need..."

"Bella...I..." How could I put this without offending her? "I don't like people seeing me when I'm... There's just some days I have to be by myself." There. I said the words gently, with regret. I hoped that came across over the phone.

"I get it. I hate that you saw me like I was the other day," she replied. "Hey, you can't be worse than that!" She was teasing me now and I laughed at her remark.

"Wanna bet? I'm dreadfully pale and ugly. Just hideous."

"You're always pale. But still beautiful." There was a pause. She was thinking, and I couldn't tap in this way. Damn! "So...uh.." she giggled nervously around the stammering. "Okay, that was awkward!"

"I think you're beautiful too. The most beautiful human being I've ever laid eyes on," I said softly.

She turned silent once more.

"I really am truly sorry I can't be part of your free day Bella. When I'm well enough..." When I can control my lust for you... "I'll make it up to you. I promise."

"Edward, don't be silly! You don't have to make anything up for being sick! I just wish you'd let me help you..."

"You can't help Bella..."

"Even just be there for you, like you were for me."

The lump returned and I grimaced at the strange sensation of warmth and pain at the same time. "I wish I could let you do that," I whispered. "Bella, if there was any way possible that I could be what you need most...be normal...I would. Believe me." Please believe that, sweet Bella. You don't have to believe the bullshit I hand you; I don't want you to! But please believe I would change for you if I could.

"Edward...you are too sweet," she replied softly. "You're so different... Can you...would you please let me know if there's anything I could do?"

I smiled once more. "You can call me again later on and tell me everything you did with your free day. Every detail."

She complied with my simple request.

"Okay, so first I had a shower. Then I cleaned my room, did some laundry..."

"Wait...what exactly did you have to clean up in your room? There's nothing there to make a mess with?" I teased.

"Okay okay...I made my bed and stuff. Cleaned Jake's tank, watered my plant."

"Ah. Tended to your boyfriends' gifts."

"What did you say?"

What did I say? What the fuck was I doing? "Sorry. Uncalled for. I'm just in a weird mood I guess. Please go on." I had no right to act out on my petty jealousy.

"You thought they were from boyfriends? Seriously?" She let out a little giggle. "Edward, no...the plant was my brother's. And Jacob is...was...his best friend. He gave me the Betta fish when I moved because it's a fighter..."

"Like you..." I finished for her. "Shit. I really fucked up on that."

"Dude! Way off! You're usually so close to the target too, that's just funny!"

"I'm really sorry Bella. I feel like a shit." I wasn't as amused as she was.

"It's not a big deal! Seriously...you'll never find something from an old boyfriend around here."

"Why is that?" I hadn't ever thought of her with a boyfriend until that day in her room, now I didn't see how it would be possible for her to not have had a few.

"I dunno. I guess I'm just not the kind of girl guys give things to. Anyway..."

That remark dug into me. I wanted to give her everything! How could no one have given her...something to remember them by or something to cheer her or just something that they knew she'd like. However, it didn't seem like she wanted to pursue the topic so I let it go.

"Then I got homework out of the way. You're taking Bio, right?"

"Yeah. I wish we had that together too. I hate my teacher."

"I hate the class. Period. And I missed the lab sessions so I'm totally lost."

"I can help you catch up. See if you can come out with me after school and we'll go gather some samples; do our own lab."

"When you're feeling better..."

"Yeah." For a moment, I'd forgotten I was supposed to be unwell.

"Hey, you know Jasper's in my class."

"Yeah? You could ask him to help you out if you get stuck. We've both taken this class before so it's all a breeze."

"Why are you taking it again? That's insane!" She pleased me with another musical laugh.

"Not many options. And it's an easy pass since we know the course already." And there wasn't a class in existence any of us hadn't taken at least a couple of dozen times.

"You guys are strange. Anyway, you know what's even more strange? I'd never heard Jasper speak...like, not a word...until that incident with Mike."

"Mike?"

"Oh my god, Edward! You seriously don't even know his name? The guy you levelled and got suspended because of. I thought you were bluffing!"

"No, I really have zero interest in the guy other than his big mouth. So his name's Mike huh?" I chuckled along with Bella.

"Yeah, so Jasper was a total shock for me. He has an unusual voice. Different accent. And it's really soothing."

Ah, Jasper's persuasiveness worked well on her. "Yeah. Jazz is cool. He plays mediator here all the time."

"Weird. I'd never have pictured that. He's so quiet."

"Mm-hmm. He's different at home though. With us, anywhere I guess. By the way, his accent? Texan."

"Cool. Maybe we can hang out sometime...you know, with him and Alice?"

"Maybe. They usually prefer to be alone." I prayed Alice wasn't plotting already. Fuck! She was already nagging me to introduce her to Bella, but I wanted her to myself for the time being. And bringing Jasper along would be too risky. He was the newest member of our coven and he'd been born and raised with human blood, not animal blood like the rest of us. Alice started on her own as well, but she saw herself joining us and came fully prepared for our special diet. Jasper still struggled from time to time. That's why he appeared so reserved in the presence of humans. He had to remain very focused.

We chatted on for at least another hour before she began showing signs of sleepiness. I let her go, claiming fatigue myself, and fled to her house to be with her in my own way.

Secretly.

Hidden.

A shadow in the night.

I'd had enough of spying on her and phone conversation. Sunday evening, I paid her a surprise visit in full view. Her mother let me in again, gasping at the sight of me with flowers.

"Oh gosh! You're so sweet! Isabella honey, come down. You have a visitor! Oh Edward, these are gorgeous!"

"Hey! You're feeling better! That's great!" Bella bounded down the stairs this time, excited to see me.

"Hi. Um, I brought these for you." I passed her the glass vase. "Your room could use some colour," I grinned. The flowers were an explosion of colour but the vase was stained in a blue and purple wash. When I saw it, I knew it was perfect. It was exactly like the shirt Bella wore in Alice's first vision of us on the riverbank.

Her eyes teared up, but she grinned and gave me a quick hug. She was blushing when she pulled away. "Wow. You didn't have to do this..."

"I know. So I did. And I can't take them back so you're stuck with them."

"Thank you," she whispered, admiring them. "I know just the spot!" Pulling me along, she started up the stairs.

"You stay here!" Phil's voice suddenly filled the entranceway. "Why does he even know what Isabella's room looks like in the first place?"

Renee went to him while Bella rolled her eyes. "Phil...they were practicing, that's all. I was here the whole time! He's a good kid."

"You know what? I'm a good kid too. Thanks for the vote of confidence," Bella chimed in, clearly upset.

"You are! Of course sweetie! Phil, she has been doing great..."

"Ugh! Can you not do this? Talk about me like I'm not here? And in front of my friend? Christ!" Bella was very distraught and glowing red with embarrassment and anger.

"Watch your mouth!" Phil warned.

"You know what? I'll just wait here while you put your flowers away Bella. Take your time. It's not a big deal." I grinned at her as I used her own words from the previous night. "I don't want to cause you any problems." I turned to Phil to attempt the charm again. "Really, I just wanted to do something nice for Bella. She's had a rough couple of weeks."

"Yeah. Since you've been around," he grumbled, not too far off his thoughts, but spoken more civilly. "And her name is Isabella."

"My name is Grey. But Edward can call me whatever he likes," she countered.

I bit back a grin. I adored her spunk. Phil detested it. He was the one pushing for the meds so she was more controllable. Ass. "Go on Bella. I'll wait for you."

'Please! Please wait for her...' It was Renee's thoughts that overwhelmed me. 'And please be all that you seem. Be good for her...'

And my spirits fell. I was nothing like I seemed and I could never be good for her. Regardless, I stayed and watched a movie with them. A very awkward night with the three of them sandwiched on the couch and me on my own in a chair, stiffly watching a film none of us had any interest in. We were granted a few moments alone for our good behaviour.

"I'm really sorry you got dragged into this. I don't know why you stayed." Bella kicked at the post on the porch as she spoke. I couldn't read her. I could never read her when I most needed to.

"Don't you?" I said softly and tilted her chin to look up at me. "I stayed because of you. Because there's no place I'd rather be tonight, than with you."

'Holy fuck...' "Fuck," she murmured, her lips trembling. "You're so...I've never..."

I cupped her face in my hands and lowered my mouth to hers, placing a gentle kiss on her lips. Her whole body was trembling.

"I'm making you cold," I stated and stepped away.

"No. You're making me..." 'love you...' She bit on her lip and blushed. I guess I wasn't blocked from everything. But did I truly want her falling in love with me? At that moment, I did, so I kissed her again. Slightly deeper this time and she gripped me tightly as I did.

"Edward..." she whispered when our lips parted. "Thank you. I've waited my whole life for you."

As have I, my sweet, wonderful Bella.

The truth of the matter, I pondered as I made my way through the forest after my hunt, was that I was a different person entirely with Bella. She made me feel alive and she made me want to be a better man. Still frightened that my desire for her blood would someday take hold of the new man I wanted to be, I couldn't deny that the way she made me feel when we were together was worth the risk. I wouldn't leave her; not until she wanted me gone and out of her life.

I had to put my trust in her. She was such a smart girl...she would know when I was no longer beneficial to her. And she was strong. She'd be able to send me away and I would comply, I vowed to myself. The moment she didn't want me...need me in her life, I'd disappear.

Until then, I would do everything necessary to keep this wonderous feeling of being alive. I would hunt daily, to keep the monster in me fed and avoid temptation. I would make certain that Bella was making her choices of her own free will, not because I was charming her. And I would make every attempt to be as normal as possible, that included giving up my nightly tree climb to watch her.

That was not normal.

The better man Bella made me decided to give her space and as much normality as I possibly could. It would be a constant struggle, but well worth it. Without Bella, I was nothing.

A lurking, dangerous shadow made of stone.

No one.

You're a hard rock
With your own space
You're a disgrace
But you've got your grace

But you're no one at all...

(Ocean Colour Scene)