In Between

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between...

"They are so adorable together." Bella and I sat off in a corner on our own in the cafeteria. She was watching Alice and Jasper sitting in their own private corner opposite us. Alice was on his lap, arms around his neck and their heads were pressed together as they conversed. Of course, I was the only one in the room who knew they were actually speaking.

"You're probably the only one who thinks so," I smirked. There were loads of nasty remarks floating around.

"I love how they don't give a shit. They just create their own little pocket wherever they want and it's like they're alone." Bella ignored my cynicism and continued on dreamily. "How long have they been together?"

"God...forever!" I quipped. "Seems like I've never known them not to be." I enjoyed working the truth into a sarcastic comment. My natural reflex was to lie, of course, but with Bella it was different. Just like everything else with her, I wanted to be able to be normal. And I didn't want everything about us to be a total lie.

"You said your brother's getting married, right?"

"Uh-huh. You remember that?" That had been part of my ramble when she was out of it.

She reddened slightly as she thought of hating that I saw her like that. "Yeah. I'm aware when I'm drugged. Just incapable of responding how I'd like to."

"I see. So are you off them altogether now or just letting them think you are and trashing them?" I'd realized after thinking about it for awhile that she was in the habit of doing that. It was a pill that I'd seen her drop from her window when I first began stalking her. If she fooled her mom routinely, she must be a fairly good little actress. We weren't so different, really.

"How did you know I do that?" She squinted at me suspiciously.

"I can tell when you're not medicated Bella. Now that I know that was the issue, I know when I'm getting you...as you are."

She grinned as she blushed a deeper red. Jesus, I loved it when she blushed. "I'm on a drug-free trial period," she admitted.

"So we'll just make sure we don't mess up and piss them off..."

"Pfft! It pisses me off because I'm fine...I feel fine. And that's what it should be about, right? I want to be able to get upset sometimes. I want to miss him sometimes, y'know?"

I nodded my understanding as I twisted the straw from my untouched juice. "Are all of your emotions muted? Like, it prohibits happiness too?"

"Definitely! That's what's so fucked up! They want me to be okay, get over the sadness and whatever, but if I can't be happy either, it's redundant."

"Agreed." I smiled warmly at her as I brushed some hair from her face. "Can you come with me after school for help with your Bio or not?"

"I'll call. I get a better reaction from Renee when she makes her own decisions without Phil's two cents."

She called it right. It was fine with Renee. Peachy. I went through the drive-thru to get Bella a burger before driving towards my house.

"There's an area that has loads of different mosses still growing. We can get samples and take a look at them in the lab at lunch tomorrow."

She nodded as she finished off her burger. "When do you eat?"

"Only when absolutely necessary," I grumbled.

"You don't get hungry?"

I shrugged. "Not really. And it makes me feel really disgusting so I only take what my body needs."

"I love eating," she replied.

"I've noticed!" I laughed and gave her hand a squeeze. "It's not a bad thing."

"It's not gross watching me eat all the time?"

Oh Bella... If only you could understand why we are so different in that respect. Eating a burger or a salad is vastly different from drinking blood. Though that little burger experiment of mine left me feeling much worse than I did after a warm drink. I realized my mind was wandering. "Not at all. You might have to remind me that you get hungry more often than I do though. Just tell me when you want to eat, okay?"

"What's your brother like? Does he look like you?" Bella's question didn't come as a surprise. She'd been thinking about how I always change the subject when she brought up my siblings as we dug up moss.

"Nothing at all like me," I chuckled. "He's fucking huge! You'd like Emmett. He's very easy to get along with. He doesn't take anything too seriously and he's always willing to help out. You should meet him when they come visit."

'I haven't even officially met your sister and she lives with you...' "Cool." 'I won't ever meet Emmett.'

"They're coming home in a few weeks," I commented casually. "Their exams are early so they'll have a long visit for Christmas. Alice is already planning a big homecoming for them. You should come."

'Oh my god...his whole family all at once? I'd be so intimidated!' "Really? It's a family thing though...what if they don't want me there? What if they hate me?"

I stopped her as we walked and stepped in front of her so I was facing her. "Bella, first of all, they will love you. And secondly, they're all really curious about you as well. It should be fine." Provided we're all fed...

"Should be fine...?"

"Well...how do I put this..." There would be tension for sure, but I didn't want her to think it was because they didn't like her. I also couldn't tell her it was because they may want to bite her, suck on her blood, possibly kill her. "This will be a new experience. They're used to me being a certain way when we're all together. It will be different for them. I've never actually brought someone home before." Rosalie would be an issue, but I kept that to myself. I'd have Emmett work on her prior to the meeting.

'Seriously? It's not just me he doesn't want around his family?' "A true loner huh?" She smiled at me sweetly.

"Through and through," I smiled back. "But change is good sometimes, right?"

She smiled wider as her cheeks reddened. Mmmm...

"I should get you home," I said softly as my desire to kiss those rosy cheeks overwhelmed me.

"Oh." Her face fell in disappointment. "I thought we could go to your cottage for a little while. We passed it on the way through, right?"

We had. I hadn't realized she'd been paying attention. "It's gonna be cold in there. The car will heat up much quicker and it's not much further away..."

"I don't care about the cold."

I stared into her anxious eyes. I wanted to take her there. I wanted to keep her there. I wanted to carry her over the threshold and lay her out on the bed, strip her off and kiss every inch of her soft, warm skin. I wanted to taste her, to lick her and touch her and I wanted to know what it would feel like for her to touch me. "We shouldn't..."

"Please?" she pleaded, tugging on my arm.

I looked up at the sky as I felt the first raindrops fall. Sighing, I relented. "Just for a little while though."

I gathered wood as we went so I wouldn't waste any time with her. By the time we arrived, the rain had frozen into sleet and we were being pelted pretty good.

"Maybe you should call home and let your mom know you're okay," I suggested as I started the fire.

She did, much to Renee's relief and then passed me her phone. "You should do the same for your mom."

"She already knows...Alice would've told her."

"How would Alice know?"

"She texted when you were talking to your mom." The lie flowed out so smoothly and she bought it. I hated it. "You know where the blankets are, right? I'll get the candles. We should stay out here, near the fire."

Once she was wrapped up in front of the blazing fire, I remembered to offer her a Coke. No need for refrigeration; the can was already chilled.

"You don't leave anything for yourself here? That's crazy!"

I shrugged. "I don't come here to eat and drink."

"Why do you come here?"

"Solace."

"Loner through and through," she teased.

I smiled and leaned back on my elbows, my legs stretched out in front of me. "I come here to think. Or read. I write a lot here. That's pretty much it."

"It is peaceful. I love being here." Her cheeks were such a healthy pink in the dim lighting of the cottage and her eyes glistened as the flame reflected off them. She looked so beautiful. The bruising was completely gone. Quick healer.

"I love you being here," I admitted softly.

She leaned over and gave me a kiss. I eased away and smiled at her when she seemed to want more.

"What's wrong? Oh! Do I smell?" She tested her breath in her hand and pulled a package of gum out of her pocket.

I reached for her hand and kissed it. "I just don't think we should rush things."

"Kissing is rushing things?"

"For me..." I shrugged. "Bella, I don't want to mess up. I want your mom to trust me with you."

She rolled her eyes. "You know, that would be an issue with anyone else, but she fucking LOVES you. Seriously. I swear, she'd adopt you if she could." 'Oh fuck! I shouldn't tease him about being adopted...'

I kissed her cheek gently and then smiled at her. "There's more than your mom holding me back, but I'm glad to know she approves of me."

'Jessica...' "Are you into someone else?" Her voice was low and unsure.

"Not at all. Haven't we been over this?"

"Right," she smirked.

"Actually, that last time we spoke of Jessica, right before I broke your little nose..."

"You didn't break it! I walked into you!" she argued.

"And I yelled at you for doing so, remember? I was angry in the first place and then I took it out on you. That was wrong. It never should've happened!"

"So you're going to hold yourself responsible for an accident forever? And it's going to keep us from getting closer...or is that just a convenient excuse because you just want to be friends? You can tell me the truth Edward. I can handle it."

Can I? Could you handle joining our coven afterwards because my only other option would be to kill you? "Bella, I want to be close..."

"Then what's the problem, really? Just tell me." She frowned with frustration and I couldn't blame her.

"I'm the problem. I have issues with my anger." True.

"You get angry when you kiss me?" She had one eye squinted, dubious. She looked adorable.

"No. Not angry. It's not the kissing that would make me get angry Bella. I have issues with self-control, period. If I kissed you the way I want to, I don't know if I could maintain control." I looked at her with an intensity I didn't normally use on her so she'd know how serious this was. "Bella, I don't know if I could stop."

Her mind raced with thoughts of us in various stages of love-making and what she would and would not let me do. I blocked it. It was only heightening my desire and lust was so close to rage for a vampire...

"Have you..." She was on a different track now. I could tell by her look of concern...for me. She wasn't afraid for herself, she was concerned about me. Un-fucking-real.

"Bella, I basically just told you I could rape you and you're not frightened. Why?" I had to know why she had absolutely no fear of me. She had to understand that I was the most threatening thing she would ever encounter.

"You wouldn't..." she whispered. "I know that."

"You can't Bella," I said gently. "I don't know that."

"Something happened...you can tell me..."

That concern was still there. Still no concern for herself. I couldn't tell her what really happened...I just had to ensure it wouldn't ever happen with her. I'd promised to keep her safe. That included, especially, keeping her safe from myself. Still, I was unable to come up with a suitable lie.

"I can't. Bella, I'm sorry."

"You can't tell me what happened or you can't be like this with me?" She held my hands in hers, her eyes pleading for me to open up.

I swallowed deeply, closing my eyes. Never had I wanted to just tell the truth so badly. "I can't tell you what I've done. You'd never see me the same way again." My voice was hoarse with raw emotion with this bit of truth. "Just know that when I told you before that I'm not nice, it's the truth. The problem is, you make me want to be a different person. I hate what I've done. I hate what I am. But when I'm with you...I..." My quiet words broke off.

"You what, Edward? Talk to me." Her hand stroked my cheek so tenderly, so lovingly. "Let me in. Please?"

"I don't hate myself when I can make you happy. When I do something that makes you smile, or laugh...I feel like I'm what I want to be." Human. A 17-year-old guy, falling in love for the first time with an amazing girl. "Bella, you've seen some incidents where I've lost control of myself. It scares me that it doesn't scare you."

"It doesn't. Because I see the guy you're talking about liking. You have no idea the kind of jerks I've known and you're worlds apart from them Edward. You're the most considerate guy I've ever known. Believe me."

"And the most dangerous Bella. Believe ME."

She was thinking. I gave her privacy. It was as much for my own sake because I didn't want to know what she imagined me capable of, even though I needed her to be aware.

"So, we don't rush things," she stated. "If we set a limit and you know it going in, would that be workable?"

"And if I can't control myself?"

She frowned. "I think you can, more than you know. We can try... I dunno... Set a ten second kiss rule? Or a hands rule..."

I smiled at her attempt to make this work. "What you don't realize is ten seconds is all I need to get myself worked up. Sometimes less."

"Yeah well, me too. It's hormones..." she giggled.

Laughing along, I stroked her cheek and wished it were simply hormones I had to deal with. "I love when you smile Bella," I whispered. "If I do anything right in this world, it will be that I only ever made you smile."

Leaning in, I pressed my lips to hers and held up a hand counting out ten seconds. She was giggling before time was up.

"I have to say that's not very romantic," I teased. "But better than no contact."

"Exactly. We can practice so we don't have to count it out, we'll just know." With one hand on my cheek, she did the leaning in and counting. "Mmm. Nice."

"One more?" I suggested. "Before I take you home?"

She smiled her agreement and we met in the middle, without counting. It was longer than the agreed time, but controllable. I really hated that I had to take her home so soon. I felt in control. And extremely human as I tried to adjust myself without Bella seeing. I swear, I could've blushed if I had blood in my veins. As it was, all my venom was occupying two locations only, mouth and...

"Edward, can we come back? For a longer time next time?" She was suddenly pressed against me in an embrace and all my discreet adjusting was for naught. She giggled when I jabbed her.

"Uh...yeah. Sorry about that." I laughed nervously and turned away.

"I feel the same!" Bella called out with a wink as she let herself out of the cottage.

Jesus...help me...

I had a long talk with Esme after taking Bella home. I was actually surprised that Alice hadn't already told her about my new interest, but it was a total shock to her. And she was thrilled for me, agreeing to do anything to make it easier to deal with a human who was bound to be around our coven sometimes.

With that out of the way, I sought out Alice to ask her advice on having Bella over when we were all here.

She squealed her delight and then looked ahead. "Rosalie will be an issue but don't worry honey, Jasper will stick to her and make her behave. Got your back, baby! Oh my god...I can't wait to be friends with Bella!"

"Yeah...Alice..." I treaded carefully. "Can you take it a bit easy?"

"Edward!" She rolled her eyes at me. "Just let me handle it. I know we're going to be great friends! She's your girlfriend! This is so awesome!"

"Start off slow Alice. Don't overwhelm her."

"Your girlfriend!" She squealed again with excitement.

"Uh yeah. Glad we understand each other."

I escaped to the cottage to think without Alice pestering me and Esme gushing. Why couldn't they just be like Carlisle and Jasper? I got a slap on the back and a "Cool.". Of course, 'About time!' was thought by both, but it was to be expected.

Somehow, admitting my feelings for Bella to my family made it more real and I did panic just a little. Could I really do this? Even if I could act human and manage not to kill her; just love her and make her happy, was it fair to her in the end? It couldn't go on forever like Esme and Carlisle. Alice and Jasper. Rosalie and Emmett. Once Bella aged and I did not, the act would be up. There would be no eternal Bella and Edward. There was only the here and now.

And the lies...

She abhorred fake people. Liars. I was the biggest offender of what she hated most. Yet it felt real to me. Perhaps it's not a lie if I feel it's true.

Ultimately, if I truly was in love with this girl, I would have to keep up some level of secrecy. Utter some lies. Make her believe a fantasy...for her own sake. And for the sake of my family. Our secret had to be kept. Even if it meant lying to the girl I loved most in the world.

What I wouldn't do, was use my vampire ways to lure her closer to me. If her thoughts could be trusted, and I believed them to be genuine, she was already falling for me without my interference. She just loved me. I would always let her make her own choices, in a human way. I could not tell her the truth on everything, but I could do that for her.

And I would find some bit of truth in everything between my lies.

I had to. I was somewhere in between human and undead. Both felt real and both felt like a lie.

But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed and somehow I got caught up in between
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none...

(Linkin Park)