My Time

My resistance is getting weaker
I just can't take the pressure
I can't be any weaker
I've got to find me some of the treasure...

"What are your plans for the day?" I asked when I called Bella Saturday morning, as promised.

"After laundry? Nothing. It's shitty outside."

It was perfect outside. No chance of sun and no fake illness. I could spend the whole day with her if she wanted to.

"You're a big outdoors person?" I teased, knowing she was not. She was quite pale for a human.

"Shut up!" she giggled. "What are you doing today?"

"Big plans. Very, very busy day..."

"But you found a minute to call..."

"Yeah! I was kinda wondering if you wanted to spend the afternoon together. Can you leave the house? You don't melt in the rain or anything, do you?"

"No, I don't melt!"

I could hear the smile in her voice. It made me smile too. "Great. I'll pick you up in half an hour."

I only had to deal with Renee, thank god. Phil was out. I politely refused half a dozen things she offered me to eat or drink while I waited for Bella. It was a test of my patience, for sure. What the hell was taking her so long?

I guess my impatience shone through by the time we were in my car. Bella gave me shit for my attitude...apparently it takes human girls longer than 30 minutes to shower and get ready for the day. "Deal with it!" My mistake.

After a few moments of tense silence, Bella spoke up again. "Where are we going anyway?"

I smiled over at her. "I was thinking of the cottage."

"Seriously?" Her grin was wide. "We're going there?"

"Yeah, I got an early start so it's warmed for you already."

The rain calmed to a light drizzle at just the right time for our trek in through the woods but Bella was still wet and cold when we got to our shelter. I sat her by the fire to warm up, giving her my own hoodie and a blanket. She shivered more intensely and I realized giving her my already cold clothing would not help. Such a stupid thing to do. No matter how much thought I put into being a normal, considerate boyfriend for my human girlfriend, reality would always kick me in the ass. I stayed as far away from her physically as possible so she could get herself warmed up. It didn't seem to take too long, nor did she seem put off by it. I avoided temptation to tap into her thoughts, in my attempt to be completely normal for a day. For Bella.

"You can come closer you know. I don't bite."

"Maybe I do," I teased with an ironic grin.

"Tease," she taunted.

"Bella, you know the deal about taking this slow right?" I reminded her about my concerns.

Rolling her eyes, she shimmied over on her cushions and patted the spot next to her for me to sit. "I'll behave."

Though dubious, I complied and sat next to her, instantly feeling the warmth radiating from her beside me and below, where she had been sitting. It felt amazing. I stared at her until her cheeks reddened and she giggled nervously.

"I'm making you uncomfortable," I stated.

"You're so intense! What are you thinking of when you look at me like that?"

It was my turn to laugh nervously. "A multitude of things, really. Right now, I'm thinking how well you've healed. You can't even tell your nose was broken. That leads my thoughts to how easily damaged you are... and then to why are you sitting here with me? All the while, I desperately want to have contact with you; hold your hand...kiss you..."

"Wow. All that, huh?" She was staring at me intently now as well.

"Don't do that Bella... I'm trying to stay focused and you looking at me like that is only making me focus on one thing. The wrong thing."

"Why is it wrong?" she asked in a whisper of concern and confusion. "I know you're worried about...going too far, but Edward, a kiss is fine."

"Is it Bella? Is that enough? For you, I mean." I shifted slightly so I could face her, and took her hands in mine. "I asked you to come here today because I wanted to talk about this. I want us to spend more time together... I think you want that too?"

"Definitely!" She beamed with excitement that I was putting it out there, in words.

I smiled back at her. "I would do anything to make this a normal relationship, but I'm not normal. You know that." I stared directly into her attentive eyes. "Bella, what I'm trying to say is that I'd like you to be my girlfriend, but there are limitations. Can you handle that?"

She snickered as she rolled her eyes. "Can I handle a boyfriend who tends to me so meticulously? Brings me flowers? Listens to all my shit and lets me cry on him...and still comes back? Even without sex? Uh, yeah. I think I can deal, Edward."

Smiling shyly at her appraisal, I reached out and stroked her jawline. "So you'll be my girlfriend? You'll give it a try?"

"Fuck yeah," she whispered intently, amusing me.

"Okay, so it's only fair that I try to do things your way too." Cupping her chin, I drew nearer and placed my lips against hers, counting in my head. I felt confident enough to go for another right away and it went beyond our timing rule. "Mmm... Bella..." I groaned as I eased myself away. "I have to go get some more wood. Think of something we can do that won't make me want to ravage you, okay?" I made my request in a teasing manner but I was fucking serious. I wanted to do things to her... And it wouldn't be good.

"It's snowing!" I announced from the door. "Awesome! Come see Bella!" Huge flakes fell from the heavens, and the tree branches were already coated.

"Beautiful..." she murmured from my side, her arms around my waist. "Let me grab my coat!"

"So... You do like snow..." I teased as she shook the snow off herself at the door. We'd frolicked in the clean, newly-fallen snow like children until she got too cold.

"Only because you're here. You really love it though! You're nuts!" She was giggling as she stripped off and went over to the fireplace. "Have you always had a thing for freezing your ass off?"

I laughed and hung our wet clothes up to dry. "I'm used to it. Spent a lot of time in this stuff."

"Where?"

"Alaska," I told her, as I sat on the floor across from her, my arms hugging my bent knees. "We lived there for a few years before coming here."

"Seriously? Jeez... I'd die..."

She really hates the cold. And here I am... I gave her a sad smirk before staring into the blazing fire. "It's actually really beautiful there, if you can take the snow and long winter. The darkness. I'm fine with it, obviously. And in the summer, it's so incredibly green and fresh... you'd never know it had been covered in several feet of snow most of the year."

"Do you miss it?" she inquired softly. "Your friends there?"

I smiled at her again. "I miss the beauty of the land, I suppose. I didn't have friends there to miss at all... just family."

'He's more lonely than I am...' "I'm really glad you moved here. I think we were meant to meet and fill what's been missing from both of our lives."

I took some time to consider her statement, wishing more than ever I was everything she wanted me to be. She blushed with the intensity of my gaze while I thought and swallowed the lump in my throat. "You've been missing a science tutor, right?" I joked to ease the moment. "Did you bring your books?"

"Hell no!" she laughed.

"Not a problem. Mine are in the other room. Follow me..." I led her to the bedroom, where she immediately grabbed up a quilt and wrapped herself, feeling the cold air of the closed room hit her.

"My books are in the table right by you," I gently reminded her why we were in this room.

She sprawled across the bed, letting the quilt drop, to reach it rather than moving. Ohhhh Bella... My hands went into my pockets to avoid the temptation to grab onto her gorgeous ass lifted up in the air... Bella! I looked away. And swallowed about a gallon of venom.

"You keep a journal? Cool." Bella's voice brought me out of my torturous thoughts. "Oh, I didn't read anything in it," she said quickly when I looked at her. "It's personal. As soon as I realized, I closed it." She bit her lip and placed it back in the drawer.

"Good. It's pretty boring." I grinned to relieve her tension.

"I bet it's not. I think it's filled with all sorts of good Edward info." 'All the things you won't tell me... I want to read it... I can't read it... it's so personal... No, don't even think about reading it...'

"You think there's good stuff in there?" I smirked. "Pass it over." I held my hand out for it. She thought I was removing it from her prying eyes. She felt guilty about wanting to read it. "I'll show you how boring it actually is."

She sat up and waited anxiously. "I bet I find out something new about you on any page in that journal!"

I cocked an eyebrow and sat at the other end of the bed. "Okay, let's see..." I flipped it open, randomly and read aloud. "Page 72. Tuesday. First day in the new house. Bored already. Will have to explore. Em challenged me to race him to the riverbank. I beat him, of course. He pushed me in the river. Esme was pissed at the mud I brought in with me. Might be alright here after all." I lifted my eyes to look at her. "Should I go on or are you sleeping already?"

She laid on her side, smiling. "Go on."

I flipped some pages. "Alright! Here's a good one...page 81. Friday. Spent the night at a little cottage I discovered. Rose has been irritating the shit out of me lately. We had a huge fight yesterday. Broke a lamp. Rosalie got the blame even after Emmett tried to fix it. I'll buy a new one after they're gone. I don't know what her problem is lately. Or mine, for that matter. Even Jasper can't help. I left to take the strain off Em for awhile. Alice says they'll be leaving for school on Sunday. I can put up with her until then. I'll miss them." I checked for her reaction again. "Bored yet?"

"You don't get along with your future sister-in-law?"

"We have our differences from time to time. That was one of those times," I grinned. "I feel bad for Emmett being in the middle of it."

"You wrote, 'even Jasper couldn't help'. What does that mean?"

I smirked at her. "I told you already. Jasper's a different guy at home. He's our mediator. He can usually smooth things out. Rosalie responds to him very well. He can diffuse almost any argument. Esme handles the fights."

Bella's eyebrow raised with interest. "You guys actually fight?"

"Um... occasionally, yeah..."

"See? There's something I've learned about you already. I never pictured you fighting with your family. You seem so agreeable. And really close."

"So are you satisfied? Can we be done with my monotonous life story?" I flipped the book shut and waited for her response.

"Just one more?"

Sighing, I re-opened it. "How do you do this? Make me do stuff I don't want to do..." I teased before reading the entry I'd opened to. "I discovered a way to escape the dullness of this existence. To endure the mundane, the ignorant, the self-absorbed..." I snickered as I read. "God, do I sound like an arrogant prick, or what?"

"That's just what I was thinking." She paused then nudged me with a smirk. "Joking...what else did you write? This is interesting."

"Wow. You are weird. I bore myself and you find it interesting. Definitely weird. Anyway... Escape, blah blah blah, mundane, blah blah blah... and then I write; She's a fireball in a petite package. She exudes energy. It's electrifying being near her. Since we met last week, I've felt a change. Could there possibly be a purpose for me being here? A reason to want to overturn my self-imposed exile and dare to live? My life, if it is so, exists with this energy I get from this precious gift. I'm not certain I even deserve it... a friend with a true heart; a vibrant soul. Be safe, sweet waif. Avoid me at all costs." I closed the book and stuffed it back in the drawer.

She said nothing and I didn't dare go into her thoughts. I risked a glance at her though. She was staring distantly, as if thinking about something very intently. "How you saw me... that's how I want to be. Always. I'm really fucking sick of feeling like shit all the time." She wiped angrily at a tear that escaped her eye. "And I'm really sick of crying to you all the time. You must be sick of it too."

I reached for her hand and wiped away another tear for her. "I just want you to be you, Bella. Feel what you feel. Whatever it may be. If you want to talk about Riley, or cry about him, go ahead. I'll listen. I'll be here for you. You can't be happy all the time, but you can certainly never be happy if you don't get your misery out."

She broke down in sobs and I held her again, whispering soothing words and stroking her hair. I could be a caring man...for her. I was in full control of my monstrous side because she needed the man I should be.

"I'm sorry," she sniffled against my chest. I don't know how she managed to snuggle in so well against a rock, but she seemed quite content.

"It's not a problem, Bella."

"It is though...I'm constantly crying on you and you're so sweet about it and I give you nothing in return."

"Bella? Did you not listen to what I read to you? From the day we met, you've given me so much more than I deserve! It's only grown since then." I eased her off of me so I could face her, still holding her.

"You do help me...give me what I need most. You accept me, Bella. You treat me like a normal guy, though in reality I'm anything but, you make me feel like I am and that's...I've never had that. Never." The damn lump returned and my voice wavered. I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't leave myself so open when I feel this weak.

"Edward..." Her thin voice came out as mine had.

I shook my head to make her stop. "I need a minute..."

She waited, patiently looking on with concern as I got whatever the fuck emotion this was under control. When I felt stronger, I looked at her again. "Bella, I need you to understand one more thing...I'm trying to be normal for you, but in reality, it's something that I can never fully achieve. Do you understand?"

"No," she replied honestly, the single syllable almost silent. "I don't understand why you won't share more with me if you know I accept you as you are."

"Because there's so much more to it Bella. Things I can never... I can never change. I need you to understand that it's me... it's never you that makes this difficult for me..."

"Okay, now you're freaking me out," she admitted.

Good.

"You know what difference stands out for me? What makes you unlike... shit, every other guy on the planet?"

Shit! Had I taken this too far and now she was seeing something she shouldn't? What had I done wrong?

"You take the blame for everything...even when it's not your fault. You are the only guy who not only doesn't try to make me feel like I'm the problem so he can have a reason to just leave - whenever - you put it all on yourself when it's not."

A little frown line appeared on her brow. This strange relationship was different for her in many ways. The fact that she had been left with no protection after her brother died made me want to be that shield for her even more. "Bella..." I murmured as I held her face and tipped it up to look at me. I had no words to offer, instead, I offered her a kiss.

I hesitated a fraction of an inch before contact, feeling her breath on me. She radiated warmth. I actually said a prayer to keep her safe and to give myself the restraint I'd need to keep her safe. And then I brushed my lips very gently across hers. Okay... in control. I applied a slight pressure, drowning in the warmth, the softness of her mouth against mine. Her lips parted and a gush of heat poured into me. I kissed her more deeply than I should have dared as the venom flow increased in my mouth. As it flowed, the passion of Bella's kiss increased. I fought an internal battle as to whether or not to end it. The venom itself wouldn't harm her; it was the intoxicating affect that it had on humans that would cause damage. It was her, giving herself to me, that would cause damage.

"Um, wow..." she panted as I reluctantly pulled away.

"Yeah..." I breathed, in full agreement.

"We should stop?" Her concern was for my comfort, not her own. She didn't want to stop.

I didn't want to stop. The man in me longed to kiss her that way for hours, as any guy my human age would. I convinced myself that was the desire I felt as I pulled her to me and closed my mouth over hers, the passion instantly returning. She moaned and pressed herself against me as my hands wandered up her ribcage.

That's it...give yourself to me baby...give yourself...

She unzipped the hoodie I'd given her, allowing my hands to go inside, another layer closer to her skin...her warm, delicious skin...

The desire to taste more of her overwhelmed me and I left her mouth to trace my tongue down her throat. "Mmmm..." I moaned, reaching what I knew was a danger zone. Give yourself...

"Edward..." Bella moaned herself, throwing her head back for me to access her throat easier.

Give...

I pulled away abruptly as I became fully aware of the monster taking place of the man. I'd sworn not to use my inhuman abilities to make her mine. And now here we were, me worked up and seriously needing to feed on something, I didn't care what, and her feeling like she'd let me down somehow. She was murmuring apologies as she zipped back up and tucked her legs up to her chest. FUCK!

A soft knock came at the door and I raced out of the room, grateful for the escape. Fuck I was thirsty.

'Edward!'

Alice. I went to the front door and was shocked at the sight; the snow was past her knees!

"I messed up! What I saw? It was this weekend Edward, not last! The snow is the weather issue that will trap you. You have to take her home now. I brought you the SUV. It's parked by your car...which is buried, by the way! Are you okay?"

"Fine. Yeah. Thanks Alice."

Alice and her subjective fucking visions! My temper heated up once more, easily heightened by my thirst. Why couldn't she keep them to herself! Calmness prevailed when I realized it had actually helped this time. I had time to get Bella to safety. Away from me.

I need nothing to be a man
Because I was born a man
And I deserve the right to live
Like any other man...

(Ocean Colour Scene)