Somewhere I Belong
I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything until I break away from me
I will break away
I will find myself today...
Bella entered my room first, with me close behind. The instant she turned to look at me, I pulled her towards me and held her face in my hands as we kissed...and kissed...and kissed some more. My arousal was building rapidly, but it felt to me like a 17-year-old arousal, not an animal lust. I didn't want it to end.
"Come with me." I took her by the hand and led her to my couch where I sat, pulling her down on my lap. I swallowed back the excess venom that had pooled in my mouth during the brief break we'd taken between our kisses. "You'll need to stop me when it's time," I warned her.
"And if I don't want to stop you?" she whispered.
"Then it stops now. Bella..." I placed my hand on the back of her head. "I want you... so bad," I rasped. "I don't know if we... I need you to... argh!" Closing my eyes, I thought of just being 17. Being 17, with my girlfriend. It was natural to want this, but I needed help if we were to keep it natural.
"You're really serious about this," she stated softly, her eyes full of concern for me.
"I'm really serious."
"I'll stop you. I promise. Should we close the door?" Her eyes strayed to the open door, glancing into the hallway to see if Alice was around.
"No one will bother us," I assured her. Truthfully, I needed to leave easy access, in case I got out of control. Alice would know; she would come. Not wasting another second, I covered her mouth with mine. Her lips not enough, I covered her cheeks, her forehead, her nose with kisses. All the while, stroking her wonderfully soft hair, sometimes tugging on it when I needed a breather or when I wanted her closer still. Her throat seemed to beckon my lips, it was irresistible. Beginning just under her ear, I kissed and licked, resisting the urge to nibble. My teeth were much too sharp to risk it.
She was moaning softly, her own hands tugging on my hair...squirming on my lap and driving me so deeply into arousal. "Bella!" I groaned and tossed her gently onto the couch beside me. I'd placed her lying back with her legs still across my lap. I shifted so that my torso was above hers.
"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
"I am. Are you?"
"I'm soooo okay..." She pulled me down onto her parted mouth for a deep kiss. Her tongue; her sweet delicious tongue ran over my lips, my own tongue, my venomous teeth. "Ohhhhh..." we moaned together.
Her hands were on my back, pressing my body against hers. Her hand slid my shirt up and she rubbed my bare skin. Delighted by the new sensation, I slid my own hand under her shirt, running my fingers gently over her ribs, across her belly, back up to the ribs and finally to her breast. My fingers just grazed her at first, testing my control. Fuck it felt good! And still a 17 reaction.
She moaned more intensely when I cupped it, squeezing ever so gently. She brought my lips back to hers, bringing more oral delight. I ran my fingertips across her nipple, feeling it harden beneath my icy touch. "Sorry..." I mumbled between kisses and pulled my hand out from under her shirt. "Too cold."
"No! It feels good Edward...too good!" She held my head in her hands as she eased back on the kissing; bringing me down slowly, softening the kisses and then placing a finger between our lips. "Edward...we'd better stop," she said gently.
"Did I hurt you?" Worry suddenly filled me as I wondered if my fondling hadn't been as gentle as I'd thought.
"Not at all." She kissed me gently. "But if you keep doing what you're doing, I'm not going to have the will to stop." She smiled at me, sweet and sexy all at once. "I want you so fucking bad..." she whispered. "But this is what you want, right? To stop before it gets that far?"
I sighed, placing my forehead against hers. "What I want and what has to be are vastly different, my sweet Bella. That was too hot..." I murmured as I climbed off her and the couch. I sat on the floor, near her head. "You really are so beautiful."
"Stop that, or I'll jump you, I swear!" she giggled.
"You are though. You take my breath away."
"I was having a little difficulty breathing as well for awhile there." She grinned at me, easing my worry that my venom had caused her to be breathless.
"Thank you for doing that for me."
"What? Making out? Any time pal. Anytime!"
"I'm being serious for a minute, do you mind? That was a huge help... you stopping like that. Now I know..." What I hadn't known, what I'd been afraid of, was that even if she wanted me to stop...tried stopping me... if I would. At times, when I don't get what I want, the animal rage takes over. I'd hurt her, no matter what, if I got to that stage in her presence.
But it hadn't. I hadn't. She'd somehow known just the right way to stop me.
"Well done baby... very well done." I smiled and kissed her fingertips. "We just may have to do this again sometime."
"I'm signing up for that every day. For life."
A hint of sadness crept through me. "You don't want a life sentence. Trust me." She stared at me oddly, not understanding. "Let's just take each day as it comes." I kissed her hand one more time and then got up, reaching for her iPod as a distraction. "You've got some surprises on there. I hope you like what I added for you." Not only had I added a selection of the bands she was introduced to by me, but a few of my own songs as well.
She scrolled through, smiling at the additions.
"We should get you home."
She smiled at me sadly. "This day was so perfect. I don't want it to end."
"It was perfect. You did everything just right Bella." Stroking her hair and gazing into her dark eyes, I felt that strange lump in my throat returning. "Thank you," I whispered.
"Thank you. For bringing me here today...it means so much to me."
Of course I knew that, but I was thrilled that it worked out so well and she didn't feel like I was secluding her from the others in my life anymore. It felt good to do something that made her feel special and wanted, because she truly was.
When she rose, she reached for her cell phone and snapped some pictures. "I want to remember everything," she grinned at me as I gave her a strange look.
"Bella, you'll be back." Of this, I was certain - even without Alice's prediction. I knew it was a test run... with only the 'safe' vampires in my life, but it went extremely well. More importantly, Bella was really content being here. She was relaxed and felt wanted; cared about... like she belonged.
She smiled warmly at me as she packed her phone and iPod away. 'I'll always have a reminder of the day I realized you were different in another way... you're not going to use me. I'm safe. And so fucking happy.' "I have to thank Alice and your mom before we go."
Bella... I'll do everything in my power to make sure you are safe with me. I'll do anything to keep you safe. "Your hair..." I grinned and smoothed out the damage I'd caused with our couch action.
"It's not ruined, is it? Alice will kill me!"
Laughing, I kissed her forehead. "Don't worry. It'll be me she goes for first. You can make a run for it."
Esme caught us coming down the stairs. "Oh honey! Alice didn't tell me she made such a change! Do you like it?"
"Well I can tell Edward does," Alice cracked as she came up behind us. "Couldn't keep your hands off, huh?"
"Shut up!" I hissed with a crooked grin.
"I really love it!" Bella replied to Esme before turning to Alice. "I can't thank you enough. It's... it's really great."
Alice beamed with a smug smile. "Aw sweetie, I just brought out more of you. And it was fun! We'll do this again, right?"
"Definitely!" The two girls smiled and finished the stairs together, leaving me to trail behind.
"I have to admit Alice, you did great. I didn't think you had it in you," I teased as I gave her a shoulder a squeeze.
"You're next!" She grabbed for my hair and I caught her arm, twisting it behind her.
"Drop dead."
"Bite me!" She twisted out of my hold and darted away as Esme stepped towards us.
"Okay you two! Enough. We have a guest!"
"Sorry Mom," we said in unison, still grinning at each other playfully.
"You should see what it's like when all my children are home," Esme said to Bella as she helped her on with her jacket. "You'll have to come back very soon, when all our men are here. And Emmett and Rosalie! Edward, you told her about them, didn't you?"
"He did," Bella replied for me. "I'd really like to meet them. Please say hello to Dr Cullen for me. And Jasper. Thank you for having me. Today was... it was so great."
"You're so quiet." I reached for Bella's hand in the car. We were almost to her house and she hadn't spoken.
"I'm overwhelmed, I think."
"Yeah, the women in my family do that," I laughed.
"Not just the women," she smiled at me. "Your family is great Edward. I'm really glad you took me home with you."
"Wasn't so bad then? You felt alright...not uncomfortable at all?" I'd wondered if, being with a few of us, she'd develop the natural aversion most humans had to us. She'd shown none of it with me, but with 3 vampires? Still, nothing showed and I actually was grateful.
"Maybe when I meet your brothers..."
And Rose, I chuckled to myself. "Nah. My brothers will adore you. I'm glad you felt good there. I really liked having you in my home. It felt...right."
She blushed slightly as she nodded her agreement. "Coming to school tomorrow?"
"Nothing could stop me. Should I walk you to your door?" Take you to your room? Undress you...make love to you...
"Always a gentleman..." she teased.
We parted with a sweet kiss on her front porch. I hated leaving her even just for the night. I was very tempted to come back and watch her after an essential feeding but I resisted. A human wouldn't do that. And I'd never felt more human.
Never more alive.
Things looked up for Bella as the weeks passed. She was friendly with Angela at school and that seemed to make her more accepted. Her new look was a hit; it made her seem more approachable, which pissed me off because inside, she was the same girl. She also seemed to have a girl-crush on my sister, all nervous and giggly around her...weird. There was a lot of buzz about our talent show as well. It was a huge success and with the ticket fees and sales from DVDs of the show, we made a really good profit for our charity... runaway teens.
And she was falling in love.
This left me torn. Seeing her come out of her grey shell made me think she'd be okay when the time came for me to leave. But it should be sooner rather than later before her feelings grew more intense. The issue was that I was enjoying this life life as a 17-year-old with a really amazing girlfriend. I felt blessed. And astoundingly happy to the point of giddiness when I was with her.
Seeing into her thoughts as I did, I understood she felt exactly as I did. She called it love.
And so, I am in love. For the first time on my unnaturally long life, I'm in love.
A doomed love with a perfect girl.
A mortal girl.
The selfish vampire in me over-ruled the decent man I was born as and I opted for this joyous experience. I would live in the moment, loving her more and more each day.
"Bella? Come give me a hand with these groceries please!" Renee called out from the front door. We were laying together on the couch, watching MTV when I heard her car pulling in. I was on my feet and presentable, already moving for the door when she called out.
"I'll take those for you," I offered, taking the bags from her hands. "Where do you want them?"
"Anywhere in the kitchen's fine, thank you Edward. Bella, come get the rest with me."
"I've got it!" The first load was already dropped and I was back at the front door. "You just relax." She smiled, not surprised by my offer to help. I was a regular in their home now, usually 2 or 3 days after school.
"Thanks hon. You're staying for dinner?"
"Can't, sorry!" I called over my shoulder as I ran out. I'd avoided several invites, but I was running out of excuses as to why I couldn't eat with them. Just as awkward, was trying to avoid Phil. He was either much more perceptive or he really just despised me and it made Bella uncomfortable. I wasn't to comfortable around his perverted thoughts either. They centred on how I would fuck his girlfriend's daughter...in graphic detail. I considered the possibility that he was the birth father of the Troglodyte at school...Mike Whatever. He didn't just envision me fucking... not making love, or having sex... fucking Bella, but he had picked up on the crush Bella had mentioned her mom having. Those thoughts were extremely disturbing to me.
I finished unloading the car and joined the ladies in the kitchen. I leaned against the counter while they unpacked, offering my height for anything stored up top. "Oh, my mom said to ask if Bella can come over this weekend," I mentioned casually. I still asked permission even though she knew if we weren't here, we were at my house. In reality, it was usually the cottage. I continued on when both of them froze and looked over at me. "My brother's coming home and she and my sister are planning a thing for him."
"A 'thing'?" Renee laughed.
"Well, it's not really a party... it's only family, but they're still making it an event," I smiled in explanation. "They're arriving late though, on Saturday, so she thought it might be better if Bella stayed over - if she can come. And if it's alright with you..."
Both stared at me, still frozen. I hadn't even told Bella I'd planned to ask. 'Stay over? Oh my god! MOM! Say yes!'
"My mom is going to call you herself, to fill you in on the arrangements and all the details. And get your permission, of course, but I wanted to give you some warning."
"Stay over? Huh. It's very nice of you to include Bella, but I don't know..."
'Mom! His whole family will be there! Say yes!'
"My family will be there the entire time. We won't be alone together, if that's your concern." I went with Bella's thoughts. "Bella can room with my sister and future sister-in-law. They can have a slumber party. I'll be with my brothers."
'Damn! I thought we'd actually get a night together...' "Mom? Please?"
"I'll think about it. We'll see what Edward's mom has to say."
"Thanks Mom!" Bella gave her a huge hug, making her chuckle.
"I'll have Esme call you tonight? Is that alright?"
"That'll be fine... Your whole family, all night, right?"
"That's the plan. We'll be up most of the night, I'm sure." Truthfully, all night since Bella would be the only one even requiring sleep. "I understand if you're not comfortable with it. I can bring Bella home, or my dad will... afterwards, if you'd feel better. It will be really late though."
'Edward! Don't tell her that!' "You'll want to be with Emmett and Rosalie! I'm not gonna drag you away, that's not fair. Besides, it's not like we're never alone. Anything we'd do overnight could be done any time."
I gave her an incredulous look. I'm sure she hadn't intended her comment to sound like we'd already been intimate, but it did. "We're not... I mean, we haven't, you know..." I stammered.
"Hmmm," was Renee's skeptical reply.
I shot Bella another look.
"Mom! Seriously! We're NOT having sex. I just meant that we could anytime... but we haven't!"
"We'll see what Esme has to say." She busied herself with the groceries once more. "The thing is..." she hesitated in thought. "I really like you Edward. It's been great having you around, you've made such a difference in Bella. But you are 17. And I don't expect a hands-off relationship... you two have been together a couple of months now?"
We nodded our agreement. A couple of months of make-out sessions and building frustration.
"I'm not naive," she continued without eye contact with either of us. "I know there's been more than the little goodnight kiss you do at the door. It's normal... it's just, Bella and I are still working on regaining trust..."
"Mom! I've been REALLY good..."
"I know honey. You've been wonderful! I don't... I know that if it hasn't already happened..."
"It hasn't!" I interjected.
"I just told you we haven't..." Bella spurted out as I spoke.
"But it will. And if I allow a sleep-over, it's like I'm giving permission for free reign. I don't think Bella's ready for that. I know I'm not." Renee spoke bluntly now, not mincing words.
"If I may be honest myself..." I spoke quietly. "I'm not ready for that myself."
Renee laughed in response. Laughed!
"He's not kidding Mom. We've seriously had discussions about having sex. We're being mature about it. Responsible. He hasn't thrown me onto a bed and tried to have sex... and he won't without a lot of planning. Would you like me to tell you when we're ready?" Bella's sudden openness startled me. I could talk like this with my parents, but I didn't. It took guts for Bella to be so straight forward with her mother. My admiration for her grew even more.
Renee gazed intently at her daughter, as if seeing just how mature she'd gotten and then turned to me. "Edward, I owe you an apology. You're not like any 17-year-old boy I've ever known!" She chuckled, shaking her head. "I'm sorry I had the wrong impression."
"It's fine," I replied. "Sometimes I wish I was a normal 17-year-old boy. It'd be easier."
She laughed again, but this time I joined her. "I'd still like to speak with your mother, but I think it will be okay."
"Mom! You're the best!" A kiss was given with another hug. "I'm gonna walk Edward to his car. I left my jacket in there."
"Yeah yeah yeah. I'll turn away for the smooches! I always do!" she teased.
"Okay then." Bella stood on her toes and kissed me softly, right there in the kitchen, Renee watching. She knew by this point what I could handle as a casual kiss. "I still have to walk you out. My jacket is in your car."
"Just be done with your smooching before Phil gets home. Having been a 17-year-old boy, he's not buying that you're any different, Edward," Renee warned. I caught her thoughts of the many conversations they'd had. So Phil had told his disgusting thoughts about what he imagined me doing to Bella. He hadn't, however, told her his concerns about her crush.
"I'll have my mom call you," I said, taking Bella's hand. "And thank you for trusting us."
"You haven't let me down yet... see you in the morning Edward."
"An entire night together! Can you believe it?" Bella said excitedly once we were at my car.
"My family will be there, you know." I smirked as I stroked her hair.
"Yeah, but they're cool about us being in your room..."
"True, but once Esme talks to Renee, she won't approve of us sleeping together after promising her you'd be with Alice. Sorry, but this time it really is a family thing."
She slapped me playfully before reaching in for her jacket. "You want it like that, don't you!"
"Hmm..." I chuckled. "You should know what I want by now..."
Smiling, she stood on her toes again for another, deeper kiss. "I wish we could go to the cottage right now."
"Mmm, don't get me thinking..." I bent to take her lips again. "I have a surprise for you, speaking of - so no cottage for awhile. I want it to be completed before you see."
"Shit Edward! You torture me! When? When can I see?" Her face was lit up. So beautiful.
"Um... by Christmas."
"That's 2 weeks away!"
I grinned and gave her a final kiss. "Be patient, my Bella. You'll be pleased."
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong...
(Linkin Park)