You Are Amazing
I don't feel the hollow
I don't feel it all broke
I don't need it when you make your mark
I don't live in malice
I need a morning heart...
We changed our routine slightly the following day. Normally, we'd get homework completed, then mess around a bit or go out. This time, we went straight to Bella's room. Taking advantage of our privacy, we decided to explore each other rather than equations.
"Hurry! I don't know when my mom's coming home!" Bella urged me up the stairs. "We can't get caught - not before the weekend," she grinned.
"Don't worry, I'll hear her car. Besides, she knows we...you know, didn't lie about not having sex. We're not. She's okay with this, right?"
Laughing, Bella pulled her sweater off, watching me watch her tug down the tank top she had on under it. It clung to her perky breasts, and my body reacted instantly to the visual stimulation. "I don't know if she'd be okay with us up here alone - and you with that!" She indicated the bulge in my pants.
"Completely normal physical response," I explained, stuffing my hands in my pockets.
"You haven't even touched me yet!" she laughed. "And don't do that..."
"Do what?"
"The pocket thing." She pulled my hands out and placed them on her waist, her arms draping my shoulders. "I don't want you to hide it." She pressed her whole body tightly against mine. "Not like you could anyway."
Much like our first heavy session in my room, we got right into it. Her tongue probing and prompting moans from me. My hands roamed inside her tank top, feeling the soft skin on her back. We shuffled over to her bed as if we were one entity. Falling, she pulled me on top, our kisses never ceasing. My arms supported my weight so I wouldn't crush her, but I wanted to touch her as well. As if she knew, and wanted the same, she wrapped her legs around my waist, pulling me closer still. Ohhh, so close... I collapsed onto my elbows leaving my hands free to run through her silky hair.
"Bella..." I moaned in her ear.
"Take off your shirt," she requested, and pulled down on the shoulders before I could deny her. We both wanted it gone. "This too." She tugged on my t-shirt.
"Baby, we don't have time to dress and get downstairs when your mom pulls up."
"Dammit!" she groaned. "I love the feel of your skin. I want to feel it on mine."
Moaning with regret, I kissed her passionately. "Me too baby. Me too. But later."
"Always later!" Bella laughed with frustration. "Okay, forget it. She squirmed out from under me, and I dropped flat to the mattress.
"You're killing me..." I cried into the pillow.
"If you won't, I will."
"Will what...?" I lifted my head to question her motives.
She managed to flip me over and straddled my waist before I had a chance to register what she intended. She was atop me; and topless.
"Is this okay?" she asked softly, covering her bare breasts when she saw my expression.
"I...I don't know..." This was a new step in our fondling sessions. "I guess we'll see!" I grinned, gently pulling her hands away. "Let me see."
She was blushing; suddenly shy as I admired her half-naked form.
"You are so beautiful," I told her, caressing her reddened cheek. When I reached for a breast, my icy touch hardened both nipples at once and sent a shiver right through her body. As usual, I pulled away. She took my hand in hers and placed it back where we both wanted it to be and kept her hand over mine, encouraging me to work on it. So soft, so incredibly warm...
"Doing okay down there?" she asked in a breathless voice. Her eyes were closed, enjoying both of my hands on her now.
"Actually, can you lift for a sec?" She obliged and I made an adjustment before encouraging her back down. "That's good. Come on back."
"Why don't you take them...off."
"No time to dress, remember?" I grinned.
"At least unzip. You're too constricted. You'll feel so much better." She leaned over me seductively and placed a moist kiss on my lips.
I chuckled as I took her kiss. "I'm certain I would feel better, but it's fine now as it is. Now come back!" I said with more urgency. Complying, she found my new positioning suited her really well herself.
"Oh my god!" she moaned, slowly moving against my length as we continued kissing. "We should stop..."
"Do you want me to stop?" I asked her, softly kissing her neck. I was doing well and wanted to keep at it. Maybe she needed me to slow down.
"Not at all. But we don't want the same thing." Her voice was gentle, understanding - not callous or resentful in any way.
"Bella...baby, we do want the same thing, I just can't... It won't be like it should be." I held her face and spoke softly. "Honey, this has nothing to do with you...it's my problem and I know it's not fair to you. You must be so frustrated with me."
She was hugging herself, very aware of her nakedness. I was making it worse.
"I...I'm frustrated, period!" She tried to laugh I off but the awkwardness of the situation showed on her face. "I guess I am a little frustrated with you too though. I don't understand ..."
"I know," I whispered. "We'll find a way around it. We'll work on it. Deal?"
She grinned earnestly. "This is a pretty good way to go about it..."
"An awesome way," I smiled in agreement. I was still just 17, no sign of the ravenous monster within. "Shit! Your mom's home!" I heard the car door close, why hadn't I heard her drive up? "Quick, you go to the bathroom. I'll be downstairs!" I grabbed my shirt and books, heading for the door.
"Edward? What about that?" Bella was grinning and pointing at my crotch.
"Uhhh..." I chuckled nervously. "I'll hide it."
Swatting my ass, she headed for the bathroom. "Yeah, good luck with that!" I heard her giggling as I flew down the stairs.
I was on the couch, fully dressed and had a text book opened on my lap when Renee came in.
"Hi!" she said, standing behind me.
"Oh! I didn't hear you come in. Engrossed in molecular biology," I grinned. "Bella's in the bathroom. Too many Cokes."
"I see. You have Science with Bella too? That's the same text she's using."
"No...I'm in AP...but I left my book in my locker. This covers the same material, just less involved." I hoped my cover was effective. I wanted to get the hell out, not have a polite chat. "Actually, I was wondering if you'd mind if I took Bella out for a bit? There's a really interesting growth I discovered by my house. She could use it for extra credit."
"Extra credit is good, honey," she laughed. "I love that you're getting Isabella back into science. She used to be so good at it."
I raised an eyebrow in interest, but didn't get to question Renee before Bella bounded down the stairs.
"Good at what?" she asked as she plunked down beside me on the couch.
"Science..."
"I asked your mom if we could go now to get that moss I was telling you about...for extra credit."
"Oh! Right. Moss! So much fun." She rolled her eyes dramatically.
"Be careful if you're going near the river," Renee warned, kissing Bella's freshly washed cheek.
"I'll keep her safe, promise." I stood with Bella's book held in front of me to hide what didn't want to go away. "Oh, my mom said she spoke to you and we're all clear for the weekend?"
"We did. Ground rules are laid; no hanky panky!" She wagged a finger at us playfully. "Here, let me hold that for you." She reached for my cover as I awkwardly attempted to stuff my feet into shoes hands-free.
"It's okay...got it!" The tongue of the last one was bent under and my toes were squished, but it was on. I rushed out the door with Bella giggling behind me.
"Smooth," she teased as we left the porch.
"Shut up! It's your fault!" I laughed and kissed the top of her head.
"I kinda like having this affect on you, but apparently, it makes you think if science? What the fuck?"
"Mmm. That. Well, it's part of my cover...literally!" I held my hands over my bulging crotch. "And a good excuse to get more time with you."
"We're seriously collecting moss?" Bella grumbled as I led her down towards the riverbank.
"Seriously collecting moss," I smirked. "Why do you hate science so much?"
"Why do you love it so much?" she teased. "Ugh. I can't believe I hooked up with a science guy. A hot one...but still a freaky science guy."
"Mm-hmm. Here it is." I bent and tore a piece off the fallen tree trunk. "It has a very unique odour...almost like cedar, but somehow more floral..."
"You're freaking me out."
I laughed as I bagged it for her. My interest in local mosses was freaky, but not my marble body. "Look over there." I turned her around and pointed in the distance.
"At what? Trees? Or more moss?" she giggled.
I rolled my eyes at her. "Past the trees, silly. You can see the back of my house from here."
She shook her head. "I only see trees."
Lifting her up onto a rock so she was my height, I stood with my chin on her shoulder and pointed out my viewpoint.
"Oh! I see it now! There's a balcony? Cool!"
"Didn't I show you that? Hmm. Another time then. Anyway, if you turn this way...there's our cottage."
"Our cottage?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Is there another I don't know about?"
She smirked as she turned around, knowing I knew what she meant. She liked that I referred to it as 'our' cottage. "You're such a tease." She gave me an unexpected shove, not realizing I wouldn't budge. Instead, she fell backwards, windmilling her arms to keep her footing on the slippery rock.
"Shit! Bella!" I was behind her instantly, between her and the steep embankment, Alice's vision was in my head. I grabbed her around the middle to hold her in place and then lifted her over to the other side of the rock. Safe! Holding her tightly, I kissed her head again and again. She was safe.
"Woah, Cullen...you've got some grip! I think you broke my ribs!"
I pulled away, terrified. I'd broken her again?
Breaking out in laughter, Bella reached for my hand. "Relax! It's just an expression! You didn't break anything."
"You're sure?" I looked at her in deep concern.
"Positive." She stretched up to kiss me. "You're incredibly strong...very sexy..." she purred seductively.
"Yeah... So um...I want to make sure you're okay. We need to get inside."
"Cottage?" she smirked.
"No smarty-pants!" I retorted. "House. My dad should check you out."
"No way! I'm fine! Take me home and you'll see."
We surprised a couple of thirsty vampires, showing up so quickly. Alice didn't have time to clear herself and Jasper out between seeing us arrive, and us actually coming in.
"Hi!" Bella greeted Alice with their normal enthusiasm.
'Wasn't expecting you...' "Hi. Jazz and I were just going out. Bye!"
I gave them an apologetic look as they took off.
"Guess we interrupted..." Bella mused, disappointed with her friend's reaction.
I shrugged and led her upstairs. "Let's have a look." I carefully lifted her sweater to examine her ribs. A little redness, but no indication of trauma. Whew!
"See?" She poked her tongue out at me. "But, as long as we're alone...and your hands are where they are..."
"Bella..." I chastised with a smirk.
Chewing on her lip, she took a seat on my couch. "Edward, I have to ask you something. If you don't want to answer, that's fine...whatever. But, do you have some kind of hang-up about sex? Or is it just me? I know I said I could deal...and I can! I'm just wondering..."
"Totally not you," I assured her, taking a seat as well. "Not at all."
"I thought maybe you'd heard something..."
"I told you I don't care about gossip," I said quietly.
"What if the gossip has some truth to it?" She finally looked straight at me. 'He deserves the truth.' "I should tell you, before this goes on and you think I've lied and end up hating me."
"Bella, you can tell me anything...I'd never hate you..."
"We'll see...you know how I ask you if this is a game? If you're messing with me or whatever? Well, I know all about that concept - I did it myself."
Interesting. How much more was hidden behind that cloud? I leaned back, looking at her with interest.
"When Riley died, I sought out people to get my mind off it."
"Yeah. Understandable."
"This crowd was not like the kids here; or any I'd spent time with before, but they served their purpose."
"You felt okay for awhile?"
"I felt smashed for awhile," she smirked. "When getting drunk didn't work for me anymore, I hooked up with the crowd that used...and I used them." 'And here we go. Here's where he starts to pull away...'
"Drugs of the non-medicinal sort," I grinned at her, urging her to get it all out.
"Yeah. Have you ever..."
I shook my head. "Never been drunk either. Can't."
"Right...well, getting high was cool for awhile, but the crash was brutal. I'd feel everything so much more when I came down; that's the point where I started wanting to...damage myself. I sought out something...anything that could make me hurt worse than what I felt with losing Riley..."
"Your wrist..." I said gently.
Shaking her head, she started picking at her nails nervously. "That was after. First, I found..." She glanced up at me hesitantly. "You know, there's a lot of guys out there who are totally willing to help out a girl who wants to be hurt."
I frowned in confusion. "You let guys hurt you? What did they..."
She snorted sarcastically. "Sex, Edward. I'd dull my senses with whatever and then do...whatever with whatever guy I chose." She shook her head angrily. "Whatever. I don't expect you to understand. I just thought it was something you should know about me. I'm basically a slut."
The only way to contain the rage building inside me was to remain silent. They hurt her. She let them hurt her! They fucking used her and made her think...made her believe it was all her doing! Assholes!
"So, you're not really sure where to go from here, right? Um, well...I'll make it easy for you, because you don't deserve this mess. I'll go."
I grabbed her hand as she rose and tried to pass me. "Wait. Don't...please don't leave."
She gave me a sad smile. "Look, I know this makes you uncomfortable..."
"It makes me fucking pissed!" I hissed through my clenched jaw.
"I...I'm sorry," she stammered. "I should've told you sooner."
"It's not you, Bella! It's those assholes who used you that I'm pissed at! I wish..." I took a deep breath to calm myself. I kept my voice very low as I began to speak again. "If only I'd known you then."
"Edward..." She knelt in front of me, holding my hands as I trembled with fury. "I would have used you too. I know it sounds horrible...and it is, I guess...but honestly? Even though I went about it for the wrong reasons, I kind of liked the sex. Kind of...a lot."
And then it hit me. This was her out. She was telling me I'd have to give her what she wants or she'll be finding someone who will. Problem was, I was more than willing to give her everything she wanted. What she'd end up with, however, was much more pain than she ever imagined.
"I...I can't be that guy for you Bella," I managed to choke out.
"I'm sorry!" She held my face between her hands, tilting it to look at her. "I don't want to make you feel bad. I'm really confused Edward, please try to understand. I've kicked all my bad habits. I decided to stay clean and wait for love. And then I was rewarded with you." Her voice faltered and she looked away briefly, gathering her courage. "You treat me so... I feel like I'm special. I've never had that before you."
"You are," I whispered earnestly.
"And because of how you are with me...how you make me feel...it makes me want you more than I've ever wanted anyone. But I know we can't...and I don't want you feeling like you can't measure up because you do! You give me sooo much! I hate that I put pressure on you. I don't want to do that, I just can't help myself sometimes." She stopped her rant abruptly, looking deep into my eyes. "Do you want me to go?"
"Come here." I held my hands out to her and pulled her back up on the couch. "Never. I don't ever want you to go."
As she laid against me, I gently traced my fingers up and down her arm, just barely touching her skin. There were no clear thoughts to read as I found her etched memory again. I couldn't image the pain she must have felt while carving his initials into her delicate skin. I pushed her sleeve up so I could press my lips to her tribute to Riley.
"Bella? What were you thinking when you did this to yourself? Was it to keep him with you, always?" Maybe I would carve 'Bella' somewhere on my granite body.
She avoided my gaze, concentrating instead on my fingers. "I wanted a reminder. And if I couldn't die myself, I wanted to look as ugly as I felt. That's when Phil found my wonderful shrink who decided I was nuts."
"That's when Grey was born," I smiled at her sadly, now completely understanding. "The girl who couldn't feel any of the things you needed to feel. I have some experience with that myself... only it was self-imposed nothingness."
"Why?" Her voice was barely audible. And very concerned.
Caressing her cheek, I stared into her soul. She had shared so much of herself with me, she deserved something in return. "To escape the horrors. If I wouldn't allow myself emotion of any sort, my rage was easier to control. Bella... I hate envisioning you sad. To know that you suffered so much pain... it's horrible for me because it was senseless. It didn't have to be that way for you. There are not many options for me."
"There's a different one for you now Edward... let me help you."
I continued to stare at her intently, the lump in my throat growing. "Why are you here Bella?" I asked in a whispered tone."You know I'm a bad guy. You know I'm a freak. I can never be normal...be what you need."
It was her turn to stare into my soul...or attempt to, as it had left my body nearly a century ago. "Why am I here? Seriously? Edward, I'm here because I've known bad guys. Obviously. I am a freak myself. And you are everything I have ever needed in a friend...or boyfriend."
"What if I told you it was all an illusion? Not done maliciously...not a game. An illusion out of necessity."
She paused, chewing on a fingernail. "Edward, I'm not stupid. I know you're different. I mean...different...y'know? I know there's a lot you're not telling me an even more that you'll never tell me. And it's okay."
The lump felt like it would burst through my skin. I frowned as I searched her eyes and mind for a hint of just how different she thought I was. I could never tell her...the Volturi, the higher powers in our world, would kill me. But only after killing my family to teach me lesson and killing Bella to make me suffer. All of us, every vampire, was sworn to secrecy or eliminated. Simple. Yet not so simple when I was in love with a human who valued truth.
"You never ask me about anything...any of my... are you hoping to get hurt again? Because baby, you have to know that it would kill me to be the guy that hurts you."
She sighed and then smiled as she held my hands. "I'm done with hurting myself and I've determined that whatever you haven't shared with me, well, it's probably better if I don't know the specifics. I'm kinda crazy about you, Edward; just as you are here today. And if not knowing everything means I can have more of you...like this...I'll take it. No questions."
"Bella, you're kind of amazing," I grinned around my lump.
Standing here and hollow
It's the only thing broke
Then it shakes you and it makes you start
Like a singing widow which won't mend your heart
You are amazing
It's the truth...
(Ocean Colour Scene)