Chapter Eleven
It seems that her mother left out one important detail from the conversation she had with Dr Harding after Chuck's operation.
Like, how he was not out of the woods yet.
Although Chuck had graduated from a ventilator to a nasal cannula in the 29 hours since his operation, he had not stirred awake even once and more worryingly, his fever had remained. And although his temperature wasn't as dangerously high as before, from the frowns and whispers the ICU nurses and Dr Harding occasionally exchanged, Serena could see that they were worried about it.
"I thought the surgery was supposed to fix it," Blair said in a low whisper to Dr Harding. Her tone was almost accusatory. She, Serena, Nate and Lily were in the far corner of Chuck's room in the ICU. Lily, who was standing next to his bed, was brushing his hair absently with her fingers, a distant look in her eyes.
"The surgery saved his life – he was very close to septic shock when he came in," he replied patiently. "Still, the next 48 hours is going to be very crucial. He's on strong wide spectrum antibiotics now and it is our hope that the fever will break tomorrow. Now, we'll have to monitor him carefully for signs of hemorrhage, and if his fever doesn't improve by the third day..."
This got Lily's attention. She cast Dr Harding a worried look.
"What? What will happen?" Blair said impatiently.
"Then the infection could have spread … and we may have to go in again," he said gravely.
Serena swallowed nervously. "Is he … Can he go through another procedure like that?"
Dr Harding didn't answer immediately, but when he did, his voice was quiet and grave. "We'd prefer that he not."
Lily closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath. She placed a hand to her forehead, rubbing it distractedly. On top of dealing with the uncertainty of Chuck's condition, she had to also handle the nervous board of directors at Bass Industries and manage the overly curious media parked outside Mercy's. Serena wished there was something she could do to help, but knowing her Mom, Lily would probably deny that she was having a difficult time and handle everything herself.
Blair, meanwhile, pulled at her hair unconsciously – a nervous habit that Serena hadn't seen Blair indulge in since the sixth grade. She was a mess; Blair was always so immaculate. After all, her shield when she went out into the world was her seeming perfection. And Blair was far from her ideal right now. Her hair was a disheveled mess held simply together in a pony tail. She had carelessly thrown on a sweater and a pair of jeans when she had hurried to the hospital this morning.
However, before she could pull Blair aside and encourage her to leave the room with her, her Mom beat her to it.
"Honey, let's get something in you," she said.
Blair gave Lily a too-bright smile. "I'm fine, I –"
"Need to be fed," Lily finished for her. "You've been here all day, and you've not eaten a bite. The last thing I want is for Eleanor to have a fit when you collapse. So, you're coming with me to the cafeteria," she said sternly.
She nodded reluctantly and allowed Lily to lead her away.
GG – GG – GG
Gently, she adjusted Chuck's blankets and placed his hand – carefully so as to not jostle the needles imbedded in them – under it. Not because he needed all this – he had not moved an inch since the nurse carefully adjusted his position an hour ago – but because she felt the need to be useful. The nurse had gently turned Chuck's head to one side, so he now looked more like a man in the deep throes of sleep instead of looking like one of the patients in the coma ward.
It was strange to see Chuck being manipulated like a marionette, but the nurse said that this was to prevent pressure sores … there was just so much that went into taking care of a sick person that she'd realise. And to see someone she knew at the end of such meticulous care made her feel relieved and utterly useless at the same time.
"I think he looks better now," she said, turning back to look at Nate who sat next to Chuck's bed.
He didn't respond, or even bother to look up from the magazine he was reading.
Serena pursed her lips, forced the anger away from her face, and sat next to him.
More silence.
She cleared her throat. "So, are you taking leave from Columbia this week?"
The only movement from Nate was a slow sliding of his blue eyes towards her. Then it slid back to the pages of the magazine. Flick. He turned a page.
Serena stifled a sigh and crossed her arms. She tried hard not to look bothered, but it was impossible when Nate was acting like this. If he did answer her or react to her comments, it was by turning a page of a magazine with a sharp, explosive flick. She had a near-irresistible urge to rip that rag from his fingers and stomp on it.
Funny how when things return almost to normal old habits resurface. Like how Nate suddenly remembered that he hated her and refused to look or even talk to her.
Before, they were distracted by Chuck's life-and-death situation and had instinctively put their cold war on hold to join forces to save their good friend's life. But now, with nothing to do but to wait for Chuck to emerge from his illness, they had nothing but time on their hands, which meant time to remember what they did to each other.
The persistent beep beep of the heart monitor was making the silence between the two of them more and more obvious with each infuriating beep. While Nate seemed content – satisfied, even – to ignore her, Serena felt an itch inside of her that was building to a crescendo.
Finally, frustrated, she said out loud: "Can we stop this already?"
He frowned angrily at her. "What? I haven't even said a word."
"That's precisely it. You've not said anything to me since I returned from Paris!"
"I am pretty sure I said more than a few words to you, Serena," he said darkly.
"You know what I mean!" Serena hissed in frustration.
He shot her a look of disbelief.
"Are we doing this? Now? With Chuck lying right in front of us seriously ill thanks to a bullet wound, which, by the way you decided that we didn't need to know about?"
"He didn't want you to know, okay? I'm getting tired of you and Blair making me out to be the bad guy here. And don't change the subject, Nate. I saw those pictures of you. I should be the one angry at you," she said bitterly.
He laughed in disbelief.
"How do you think it made me feel to receive pictures of you partying up with a couple of strippers while I was in Paris?" she said angrily.
"I don't know, maybe as bad as how I felt when you decided to break up with me despite cheating on me with Dan?"
"It was a kiss, Nate! But you slept with whore after whore after whore, and Gossip Girl took pleasure in texting me all that information while I was in Paris, by the way!"
"Good, I'm glad she did," he said bitterly. "And it's not as if you didn't enjoy your share of men in Paris."
"I'm not going to just lie back and take it, am I?"
"Then stop trying to be the one on the higher moral ground," he snapped.
"Is this your idea of revenge? Do you enjoy hurting me that much?" She felt mortified when tears pricked her eyes.
Suddenly, they heard a sharp "shh" which made them glance up. An ICU nurse adjusting Chuck's IV and giving them a look of sharp disapproval.
"I've had enough of this," he snapped. He tossed the magazine violently to the floor and marched away.
She wasn't going to let him get away with it this time. For weeks, she pandered to his lousy moods, his infuriating immaturity and him flaunting his latest female acquisition before her face. But his little petty revenge was getting tiresome. So, she followed him out doggedly until he stopped at a vending machine somewhere near a waiting room outside the ICU.
He scowled when she saw him approaching, then impatiently pressed a button. Apparently, it didn't produce the results he wanted. His face twisted in anger, then he hit the machine so hard that it rocked.
"Hey!" she called out.
And then he kicked it.
Hurriedly, looking sheepishly at the now-alarmed people waiting in the area, she grabbed his hand. He quickly flung it aside.
"Let go of me," he hissed. His eyes flared with deep, dangerous rage, but she just grew more furious at his audacity.
"Or you'll what?" she challenged, her voice a low hiss.
Almost at once, the anger seeped from his eyes, and it was as if he suddenly deflated. He ran a hand through his hair, and without a word, marched off.
Again she followed him, and he stopped in an empty corridor where he slid down the wall and sat on the floor, his face leaning heavily against his hands.
Seeing him this way, Serena felt the fight leave her almost immediately.
"Nate?" she called out softly.
"Goddamnit Serena, will you just leave me alone already?" he muttered, his face still in his hands.
She just sat next to him and didn't say a word.
"You're right," she said after a long silence. "This isn't the right time to bring up the mess that is our lives."
He sighed and leaned his head against the wall.
"And you're right," he said quietly. "I wanted to hurt you as badly as I could."
Another long silence.
"What if I caused it?" he suddenly said.
She frowned, confused. "What are you talking about?"
He let out a bitter laugh. "The day before we … found him like that. I was on his case about Jenny. I railed at him for half an hour, and didn't even notice how sick he looked. If I'd noticed, really saw things, I could have dragged him to the hospital before it got worse. Instead, I thought, 'Chuck's hungover again. How predictable.' It's all my fault," he said, his lips in a thin, bitter line.
"Nate. You know that's crazy," she said.
"Is it?" he said sharply. "I was so busy screwing every woman I saw to notice anything, wasn't I?"
She flinched at the reminder of his flagrant womanising, but steeled herself. "You didn't have all the facts. And yes, you don't have to remind me that it's all my fault."
He laughed shortly. "You know what? I know Chuck well enough to know that he'll make things difficult for you if you did break your promise."
"He threatened to leave. And the last thing I wanted was for him to disappear. I did come up with a plan which involved you and Blair tying him to a chair with duct tape and bringing my Mom in for some intervention though."
The image of that made Nate chuckle. Serena smiled wryly.
"But ..." she sighed. "Chuck … something changed him after he was shot, Nate. I can't describe it but breaking his trust would've been bad. He was brittle, like glass that was about to break. But … maybe I should've let it break, especially since it could save his life," she sniffed as tears threatened to fall. "Oh God, what if he died, and it's all my fault because I didn't tell Mom sooner? Mom would've hired bodyguards and strong armed him into a hospital. Sure, he'd be pissed off but at least – "
"Now, you're doing it."
He sighed. "I think we can both agree, that playing 'what ifs' is not going to get us anywhere."
She nodded.
"It's all fucking screwed up. We're all so fucking screwed up," he muttered, staring at the ceiling.
That, she could agree with.
"Nate," she said quietly. "I didn't break up with you because I didn't love you enough."
She could feel him stiffen beside her, but pressed on.
"I did it because … I've hurt so many people in my life, Nate. And so many men that loved me that … I really needed to know why I was doing what I was doing before I broke your heart so badly that you'll stop loving me. But I did it anyway. I'm sorry," she said softly.
He didn't respond.
"Please say something," she said in a small voice.
"I think … we have something in common." He gave her a weak smile. "I think we're really lousy at this 'relationships' thing."
She laughed through her tears and sniffed again.
"So, what do we do now?" she asked.
He looked at her pensively. "I don't know. I guess we'll figure it out eventually," he said.
"That sounds doable," she said. "Truce?"
"Truce," he agreed. Then he lifted himself off the floor and extended a hand to her.
She took it, and he helped her up. But it wasn't as smooth as she hoped and she stumbled and fell into his arms. It felt natural, at that moment, to just lean against him and wrap her arms around him. She half expected him to push her away, but he didn't. Instead, he returned her embrace, and sighed into her hair.
"Let's stay like this for a moment," he said.
"Okay," she said softly and leaned her head against his shoulder.