Breaking the Habit
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused...
"So it's only family - and me?" Bella asked again on the way to my house on Saturday.
"That's right." I reached over to hold her hand for reassurance. "Relax. You'll be fine." We've all fed...
"And when are they getting here?
"Plane lands in..." I glanced at the clock on the dashboard. "An hour."
"Oh boy."
"Relax!" I chuckled. "Anything I can do to relieve your anxiety?"
"Since you mentioned it," she smiled coyly, her hand on my knee. Her fingers walked their way up my thigh.
"I'm trying to drive here," I scolded lightly.
"So pull over."
We had a long talk on the phone about how I felt about our vastly different sexual histories and I had assured her that her confessions about her past had not jaded my opinion of her in the least. It honestly made me feel sad that she'd had intimacy without ever feeling loved or even cared about. I told her nothing had changed between us, so she was being herself, here in the car. But, of course, I'd lied; it had changed. I was determined to let her know how it would feel to be loved.
"Here? You want me to pull over...right here?" I smirked at her as her fingers continued inching up.
"It's the only chance we'll get since our mothers are clamping down on the rules tonight." She had valid point.
I pulled onto a private road that I knew led to a secluded clearing. Parking there, I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed out. "Well? What are you waiting for?" I jumped in the backseat, grinning."Nothing new though," I warned as she climbed over to join me. "Save exploring for a more appropriate setting." My tongue, however, did spend some time exploring her mouth.
"Such a gentleman," she said before sucking on it. She worked wonders with her mouth. God... I envied her ability to suck and bite without fear of killing me. I wanted to kiss her the same way so badly.
Breaking apart, as usual, panting and frustrated some time later, we climbed out for a stretch. "Your bed is definitely more comfortable for this," I groaned as I stretched out my back.
"Yeah, you're not really built for a compact," Bella teased, punching at my belly.
"I dunno...you're pretty compact and I fit you alright."
"Hmm. We don't really know that yet. I'm sure it would all fit if we really tried." She rubbed herself against my hips as we kissed.
"Uhhh, ummm..." I chuckled and stammered, reaching a new level of arousal. "Promise you'll do that again...another time. I have to get rid of this before I get home and we really have to go." I glanced at the time again. "Shit! They've already landed!"
I drove faster than I normally would with Bella in the car, for good reason; Esme and Alice were waiting at the door for us, looking none too pleased with our disheveled state.
Alice glared at us. "Jeez! A quickie is supposed to be that - quick! You left 2 hours ago!"
"Bella was nervous! We were talking..." My excuse sounded lame.
"Your shirt is inside out. And wrinkled." Esme cut me off and wrinkled her nose ever so slightly. "Go get yourself cleaned up and change. Quickly Edward! Your father has already picked them up!" 'And you KNOW how difficult this will be for everyone...getting used to a human with us, in the house. Edward! You smell more like Bella than she does! Fix it!'
"Come on, we'll fix your hair and re-do your makeup. God, did he lick your entire face? Ew!" Alice grabbed Bella and followed me upstairs. We couldn't help but giggle when we glanced at each other before going in separate rooms.
I was waiting downstairs when the girls came back down, having washed away the intense Bella scent from my own body and apologized profusely to Esme.
"Sorry for being so harsh dear," Esme gave Bella her usual warm smile. "We are all so happy you could join us."
"Where's Jazz?" I asked. He often made himself scarce when Bella was over, but tonight?
"He's working on the gazebo. We had a little electrical issue," Alice grimaced.
"Ah. I'll go help. You okay here?" I asked Bella, taking her hand in mine.
Smiling, she patted my arm and sent me off. "I'm well taken care of. Go help Jasper. What can I do to help, Esme? You and Alice have made everything look wonderful! I'm sorry we were late. I should've helped you..."
"Don't bother yourself with it honey. You help by making that guy smile." They watched me and Jasper by the patio door. "He's a whole different person with you in his life. It's wonderful."
I smiled to myself at Esme's comments. I was different; not only when I was physically with Bella - even when we were apart, I held onto that euphoric sensation I'd been feeling since I accepted that I was in love with her. It outweighed the moments of gloominess I experienced from time to time, by far. I was living my life as a human, as best as I could. The only downside was needing to feed much more often so I could ensure her safety, but even that had been easing up. While it was daily in the beginning, I could go 3 or 4 days now before I felt an urgency. And the monstrous rage I was so used to feeling had all but disappeared. I felt much more in control and utterly blissful about my life.
"Em's better with this shit. We should just wait," I suggested to Jasper, seeing the frayed wire.
"That's what I said."
"And Alice said?"
Imitating her shrill, angry voice perfectly, he turned his back to the window. "Emmett and Rosalie have been gone for MONTHS! Everything is going to be perfect for them when they walk in. Per-FECT! Now FIX it!"
We cracked up as he nailed his imitation of angry Alice. She was not so amused, watching from inside.
'How bad is it?' Jasper sensed his mate's ire.
"She's plotting some way to embarrass me at some point tonight, but you...you're getting a raw deal, man. No sex."
'How long?'
"She keeps changing her mind. 'Til Christmas, originally..."
'Damn!'
"But she's thinking maybe tomorrow, when Bella leaves, after she saw you bend over just now," I laughed quietly.
"Yeah?" He grinned at me as he flaunted his backside some more. "You know, your talent is invaluable at times like this."
I laughed and acknowledged my agreement. "Hey Jazz...you seem really mellow. You're cool with Bella being here?"
"Well I'm not going to eat her," he quipped with a wink. "I'm stuffed. Not room for one more drop no matter how much I want it... Just kidding bro, she'll be safe. I've got it in control."
I grinned appreciatively. "I know. Just checking with you...I know it's difficult for you. And listen, Jazz, when Rose gets here..."
"I know, I know. Alice and I already talked...help Rosalie go easy on Bella... I'll do my best."
We ended up in a playful wrestling match, ending with Esme screaming out the door. "You two stop that right now! You don't have time to change again, and you're going to take the tree down with you! Alice found a new light strand; take that one down and put up the new one quickly. They'll be here any minute!"
"Sorry Mom," I grinned, pulling myself out of Jasper's grip and unwrapping the wire.
"Hmph. Extra chores this week. I mean it!" But she smiled as she turned away, incapable of staying angry with us. "We have to stay tough with these boys," she said to Bella, who was watching with amusement and awe.
"They're a handful huh?" she laughed.
"Wait 'til Emmett gets with them," Alice commented, nudging Bella. "We're gonna have so much fun tonight! Especially later on, once we ditch the guys. Rosalie has amazing hair...I'm so jealous. Maybe we can try out some styles on her for the wedding!"
I smiled over encouragement to my girl, who gave a small wave of acknowledgement. She was so not a girly-girl, but she loved hanging out with Alice, so she endured whatever Alice proposed.
"Oh! They're here!" Alice blurted out.
"Really? I didn't even hear the car..." Glancing out towards the driveway, she saw the headlights appear at the top of the hill. Sure enough, they were here. "How do you do that?" she laughed at Alice.
"I just miss my big brother!" she gushed, covering her psychic slip.
Jasper finished winding the new light strand and I plugged it in to test it. It sparkled, catching the glass ornaments on the tree and reflecting off it like dozens of prisms, just like Alice had seen. It was per-FECT!
Pleased with the results, we rushed to the front door to greet our siblings. I hung back with Bella while the others got their hugs in. She was nervous and fidgety. I placed my arm around her waist and pulled her close for comfort and security. And then I prayed that Rosalie would be as cool as she was capable of being and not fuck this up.
"What's up li'l brother?" Emmett grabbed me once Alice let go of him. "You're looking thin. I could take you in a wrestling match..." He glanced sideways at Esme. "...before we go back."
"You won't win," I laughed.
"I know. Humour me. And you must be the little fox my brother's going nuts for." He grabbed Bella in a big bear hug, lifting her off the ground.
"Oh!" she gasped, before laughing.
"Em! Put her down!"
"Sorry, just happy to finally meet you. You're all Edward talks about. I'm Emmett, by the way, and this is Rosalie."
Rosalie nodded with a fake smile plastered to her face - clearly Emmett had talked to her about behaving. She walked past Bella and gave me a hug. "Hi Edward. I've missed you," she whispered. She actually seemed sincere, but a nicer greeting for my girlfriend would have been appreciated.
"Esme and Alice spent all day setting up the garden, let's go out, shall we?" Carlisle passed out parkas at the patio door, strictly for Bella's benefit.
"This is ridiculous!" Rosalie grumbled, refusing to put one on.
Jasper moved in with an easy grin. "It's your colour Rose!" He held it up for her and she folded, slipping it on. He gave me a wink as he walked her outside.
"You're a tiny little thing, aren't you!" Emmett commented as he joined me and Bella. "Not much of an athlete?"
I rolled my eyes, but took note of Bella's grin. She didn't mind Emmett's teasing.
"She's a musician! Really good, too!" Alice stated.
"Aw, Edward's perfect match," Rosalie commented, sarcasm noted. Jasper moved in closer.
"They performed together at school; really awesome. Blew everyone away," he told them.
"Yeah? Why didn't you tell me?" Emmett threw a light punch at me. "I would've come back to see that!"
"We've got it recorded," Esme smiled. "They were just incredibly sweet together. We'll watch it later on."
"But tonight's about you two. How was the flight?" I asked, changing the subject before Rosalie's jealousy got the better of her despite Jazz.
"Awesome!" Em gave us the thumbs up.
"Horrid." Rose's interpretation of the same flight differed. "The first leg wasn't bad, but that little flying can we were stuck in to get from Toronto to here? Ugh! It was cramped and smelly and the noise! I'd sooner run than get on one of those again!"
All eyes were on her at the mention of running. I saw Emmett elbow her, then he joked about it. "You'll look ridiculous carrying all that luggage you insist on bringing. I'll have to find a way to strap them on your back, 'cause I ain't carrying all of it!" He winked and grinned widely at Bella.
"And school?" Esme changed the subject.
Rose did find some good aspects of university life to share. She really wasn't bad when she wasn't being bitter. They talked about their classes and the apartment and told some funny stories about the frat house on their street. Rose didn't go out of her way to include Bella in the conversation, but was polite enough when responding to any question she asked.
It was all very civil and fun actually, until boredom set in for my family of vampires who bored incredibly easily. "Have you scouted a ball clearing yet?" Emmett asked with a compeitive gleam in his eyes.
"Can't play tonight anyway..." I reminded him. Our games were far beyond normal.
"Chicken?"
"Not even remotely. You know you'd go down," I challenged. "But not tonight. We have to be normal...we don't play like humans." I reminded him in the rapid, almost undetectable way of speaking we had, that Bella couldn't see us play. Bella didn't even know we were talking about her.
"Riiight," Rosalie said aloud. "Isn't it past your bedtime sweetie? Why don't you run along so us big kids can have some fun," she smirked at Bella.
"Why don't you be nice for a change?" I jumped to her defence.
"Sore spot?" she winked at me, making me angrier still.
"Huge pain, in fact - in the ass. Standing right in front of me."
Emmett moved away from Rose so she wouldn't catch him snickering. Jasper stepped between us and Esme fired off a warning to knock it off.
"Apologize for being rude," I demanded.
"Sorry," she said curtly, not looking anywhere near Bella. "Christ. Lighten up."
"Grow up."
"Get laid! It might improve your disposition!"
I lunged for her but Jasper's arms caught and held me before I reached her. Emmett pulled Rosalie back as I was restrained. Esme looked utterly disgusted at our behaviour and went to Bella, giving her a hug.
"Don't take offense honey. This is what they do...it's nothing to do with you being here. They'd argue about the colour of the sky!" She smiled kindly and rubbed Bella's back. "Still, she is being rude to our newest family member. I'm going to have a talk with her. Edward? Why don't you take Bella inside? I've got some food laid out in the kitchen."
"I'll go with you," Jasper volunteered. My jaw dropped in shock and Bella's eyes popped open. He rarely spoke directly to her and he had certainly never been alone with her. Sensing my discomfort, he grinned at me and I saw his plan to soothe her. "I've just realized that Bella's been coming here for months and we don't really know each other. I've been rude myself, I think."
"No! Jasper, you're always nice to me..." Bella was quick to reject his concern.
"Still..." he grinned and held the door open for her. "Let's you and I go have a talk. Get to know each other better."
Bella's initial shock was eliminated by Jasper's control. He would put her at ease, I knew. But I still lingered nearby, just in case the close contact became too much for him.
"Hungry? Looks like Esme's feeding an army! Help yourself."
"Looks great! Aren't you eating? Or are you like Edward?" Bella laughed.
"Hmm. In some ways we're alike, yet others...not at all. Take how we handle Rosalie, for instance; I've observed she has two modes - sweetheart and bitch. Edward focuses on the latter. It eats at him. He can't resist firing back when she mouths off."
"And you don't?"
"I ignore her when she's like that. Honestly, I think that's worse for her." He was right. She hated that she couldn't draw Jazz into an argument, ever. "She craves the attention. If arguing is all she can get out of Edward, she'll take it and enjoy it while she can."
"So...he ignores her otherwise? That doesn't seem like Edward. She's family."
Jasper let out a chuckle. "If at all possible...yeah, he ignores her. Bella, don't get the wrong idea. He cares for Rose in his own way. He's thrilled that her and Emmett are together and they do have their moments of fun. When we're all together, they often disappear for hours and when they return, one of us will end up with a rebuilt engine. They bond over mechanics," he explained.
I grinned, recalling some of those pleasant times. She really could be fun.
I heard Bella chuckling. "Cars? Seriously? Rosalie...she looks like a model! I can't imagine her under a car, let alone getting engine grease all over herself."
"Trust me. They do awesome work together."
"Then why do they argue?"
I'd had plenty of Jasper's thoughts on that matter over the decades, but I was interested to hear what he'd say to Bella. He was super sensitive to emotions and feelings. Much the same as I heard their thoughts - he could feel them. Sometimes that was more telling.
"Like I said, Rose likes the attention. Any attention. Working together? She's got him and she's happy as a lark. They argue when she's in bitch mode and she gets in bitch mode when she feels threatened."
"So tonight...?"
"She sees you as a threat," Jasper told her honestly.
"Me?" Bella retorted, clearly stunned. "Why?"
"You're Edward's everything, Bella. Don't you know that?" He was using his gift now, convincing her of what he knew to be true.
"Edward is my everything as well, but what does that have to do with Rosalie?"
"Edward didn't tell you?" Oh Jasper... "He didn't tell you that he actually knew Rosalie before Emmett?"
"No! Tell me!"
Jasper! I love you, but I'm going to have to kill you...
"Yeah, Rosalie had a thing for Edward, but the feelings were never reciprocated so she moved on. Once she and Em hooked up, it was all over. They're crazy about each other!"
"But she was interested in Edward first..."
"Yeah yeah, but it was never anything she wanted it to be."
"Does she still... Want him?"
"No! Not like that - NO! Like I said, her and Emmett are the real deal. They're meant for each other. The thing with Edward, well, I'd say Rose got over him, but not his rejection of her. Understand?"
There was a brief pause. "She's fuckin' gorgeous, Jasper. Who would reject her?"
"Edward. And now she finds herself in a new situation with you. Her habit of vying for Edward's attention is going to have to break one way or another."
"Meaning...?"
"They'll either have it out like never before and come to an agreement, or she'll come to see she doesn't have to compete. There IS no competition, not where Edward is concerned. She can't win this one and she cares about him too much to push him away entirely. And she will, if she can't accept that things have changed."
Another pause, and when Bella didn't respond, I started towards the kitchen door.
"Bella, there's no need to stress yourself. It's not your fault Rose is possessive of your boyfriend darlin'. See, Edward broke the habit first...by letting you into his life. As long as he was content on his own, she had a sense of control. Now he's turned it around and she has to find a new way to be part of his life. She was the 'never was'. You're the 'will be'. Something Edward has always claimed would never happen. Now do you see?"
I couldn't take any more. Jazz probably hadn't caused any damage, and it was likely better coming from him but still... I needed to reassure myself that Bella wasn't hurt that I hadn't told her our history. I wasn't so set on killing him either. He'd given me a whole new perspective; my little human was much more vulnerable than Rosalie or I. If she could kick her destructive habits, we sure as hell could too.
"Well, Rosalie shouldn't have pissed off Esme. She really let her have it," I announced as I entered the kitchen. I gave Jazz an appreciative nod to let him know I understood why he felt the need to air my laundry.
"Shit, now I feel horrible! Esme's upset and Rosalie will hate me for sure."
Jasper put on his super chill grin. "One thing you don't yet know about this family - we get over these things just as quickly as they begin. Once Esme's done with Rose, it'll be like nothing happened, you'll see."
"Only Rosalie won't dare utter another rude comment," I added, leaning casually on the counter across from Bella. "I'm sorry you were subjected to it in the first place." To distract myself from digging into her thoughts, I picked at the fruit tray Esme had out and pretended to nibble on a piece.
"On the upside, Emmett really likes you," Jazz commented.
I smiled my agreement. Bella smiled back at me with no sign of being upset with me or the situation. She took a bite off the piece of melon I was holding and then popped the rest in my mouth. I did as any boyfriend being hand-fed would do - I grinned, chewed and swallowed. YUCK! And then prayed it didn't come right back up.
Jasper found the whole scene very amusing. Dick.
"Hey! Are you guys staying in the kitchen the whole night?" Alice bounded in cheerfully.
"Storm is over?" Jazz asked, wrapping his arms around her.
"Done!" She gave him a long, soft kiss and whispered words of praise at his controlled behaviour with my human. "There's talk of Charades..." she sang out. "Cool?"
"See?" I grinned at Bella. "Like nothing happened. Wanna play?"
She followed Alice's lead and nodded with enthusiasm.
"Okay Bella, so you're on MY team." Alice ushered her out to join the others. "My brothers AND Jazz get super competitive, so it's boys against girls.
The game was a draw, as usual, with each team having a ringer. I could read what the other team was attempting to act out and Alice could foresee what we'd be doing. The challenge for us was trying to fake that we weren't completely in the know. We had some great laughs and all in all, seemed like a pretty normal family...if not a little dorky. Bella was having a great time though.
"Why don't you play for us, Edward?" Esme asked once the games ended. Bella nodded in agreement.
I glanced towards Rose, who'd been very well behaved since her chat with Esme. I didn't want to rock the boat. "Um... I dunno..."
"Please Edward? I've missed listening to you play at night." Rosalie smiled at me warmly. It was something I'd always done. Once the couples had paired up each night, I would retreat - alone - to my piano.
If she was alright with it..."Just for a bit," I grinned and took a seat on the bench. "Requests?"
"You know what I'd like to hear," Esme replied softly. Smiling back at her, I played a song I'd composed 40 something years earlier. Esme had fallen in love with it and never tired of hearing me play it for her.
Rose came and sat with me as I played the ending bars. "Play mine next?" she asked softly. I'd written her and Emmett a song for their last wedding, that's what she was referring to. She placed her head on my shoulder as I began playing for her. "I'm sorry Edward. I was horrible earlier."
"You were," I replied, detectable only by the other vampires in the room.
"I am happy you've found someone. And she doesn't seem...too bad."
"You could be nicer to her." I played on as if nothing else was happening. "For me."
"I'm trying."
"Try harder."
"For you..."
"She's very sweet. Alice loves her. You could try liking her."
"Only for you."
"Thank you Rosalie." A small grin crept up.
"I've missed you so much..."
"Me too, but I swear I'll take you down if you upset her in any way."
"You and what army?" Rose messed my hair as she got up, leaving me alone and smiling.
Esme and Carlisle excused themselves, leaving us 'kids' to do our own thing. Alice snagged the girls away for their own 'wedding prep' fun and Jasper left with a shaky grin to find a midnight snack to top himself up - "Gotta make sure our guest remains secure!" Emmett and I were left alone...but not for long. It seems my girl conked out within minutes of girl-time. Alice was disappointed, Rosalie relieved and amused. Howling with laughter at my expense, Emmett urged me to go babysit my 'foxy little human'. So I crept upstairs and sat beside my little human for awhile, thinking of how this family would have to be changing a lot of our habits to accommodate Bella. And they'd better damn well do it! I'd never asked a thing of any of them.
And for a good while longer, I sat lamenting my damn promise to not spend the night with her while she was right here. I truly am weird.
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight...
(Linkin Park)