Nothing Else Matters
Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters...
We spent much of our school break at our newly renovated cottage, working steadily on our newly renovated relationship. I was much more at ease with her, sexually, and she was brilliant with introducing new things in just the right way.
She was also very at ease in my house filled with vampires. I'd been right all along; she and Emmett hit it off in a grand way. They loved teasing each other and although I had an underlying worry that their strange bond would irritate Rosalie, even she was exceeding my hopes for a somewhat normal relationship between my girlfriend and all family members. The thing with Rose, as Jasper knew all along, was that she still demanded my attention and as long as Emmett was occupying Bella, she had me. And as long as I got 'cool Rosalie', it suited me just fine.
On the afternoon of New Year's Eve, I went to pick Bella up. Rose and Em had left early that morning and Alice was feeling weepy. She called Renee herself to ask if Bella could come over for another hair treatment and girl time.
"You and your siblings aren't going out for New Year's Edward? There's lots of parties going on." Renee and I made small talk while waiting for Bella.
"None of us are really into that scene. We'd rather a night in."
Renee smiled warmly at me. "Your folks too? Or are they celebrating on their own?"
"My dad's working...busy night at the hospital..."
"Oh! Of course...
"My mom will be there, if that's what you're worried about." Alice had negotiated a sleep-over for me this time. And if all went as planned, Bella would get her wish. She always made mention of hating to leave my bed when it came time to take her home. I hated rousing a sleepy, spent Bella as well. So tonight, we'd have our full night together.
Renee gave her blessing and wished us a good time and we were off to appease the ladies in my house. Alice first, since Esme had gone out with Jasper. While Bella let her fuss over her, she took the opportunity to pick my sister's brain about relationships. She idolized Alice and adored how loving she was with Jazz.
I took the opportunity to prepare for our night. A very quick hunt before heading to the cottage to get it heated. I grabbed a shower there before heading back to collect Bella. I had to wash away all the reminders of the secret me.
"Bella! Alice has been playing again, I see!" Esme smiled warmly as she caught us coming down the stairs.
"Yeah, it's more red this time. Do you like it?" Bella was very comfortable with Esme and trusted her opinions.
"It's beautiful on you honey. Reminds me of Edward's colour - before Alice got a hold of him and the black dye! I don't know what possessed you Edward! You never let her touch your hair...those horrible metals things in your beautiful face are bad enough!"
"Your hair is red?" Bella asked with surprise.
"Not red..." I shook my head.
"It's more bronze... with a little copper in there," Esme interjected. "It's the most lovely colour and he does this to it!"
I smiled lovingly at Esme and wrapped my arm around her shoulder. "My mom doesn't approve."
"Ohhh, I love you anyway - you know that." She gave Bella a wink as she slapped my chest.
"Mmm-hmm. Bella's staying over tonight, okay?"
She raised an eyebrow as she looked at us both. "Of course. Your mom hasn't called, Bella. She knows you're here?"
"Sure! Yeah, she knows..."
I squinted a grin at Bella. Renee was aware, so why was she acting like she was being deceptive? She blushed and looked down, avoiding my eyes.
Esme glanced at me. 'What she doesn't know is that this time is about YOU and Bella, am I right?'
I gave an inperceptible nod.
"Well, if she does happen to call, I'll just let her know Alice is working on your hair." Esme kept her eyes on me while she addressed Bella. 'Be respectful Edward. But do enjoy your time together...'
I wrapped her in a tight hug. "Thanks Mom." Esme's heart had expanded to include another family member. She had very strong feelings for Bella and she couldn't disguise her utter joy that I was finally in love, myself. To her, love was the most essential thing in life. Without it, nothing mattered; but with love, nothing else mattered. I could finally comprehend her sentiments.
"Your mom is so fucking cool!" Bella giggled as we left the house for our night alone.
Esme was the coolest woman, living or non-dead, I'd ever known. She got it...what living was all about...what she'd been trying to get me to understand all these decades. And now, I did.
"You know... your jeans are really a problem." Bella was on top of me, stripped to her panties.
"I'm fine with them," I mumbled around a mouthful of her sumptuous breast.
"Well I'm not. They chafe. It's making me uncomfortable."
I released her boob to squint at her suspiciously. She had it figured out that I would do just about anything to please her so she was making this fit into that area. "You're chafing? Really? Oh dear. Can't have that, sweet Bella," I cooed into her ear before lifting her off my waist. "What shall we do then? Scrabble? Study? We could go for a long walk in the snow."
"Funny guy!" She rolled her eyes at me. "Edward, I really think it's time to find out what's really hidden in your pants. Have you got a prosthetic dick? It's always hard and it's massive. You can't blame me for being curious."
"So there! This wasn't anything to do with chafing, was it Bella? You just want to satisfy your own curiosity," I teased.
"Yup. Can I have a peek? I don't even have to touch it, if you don't want me to..."
Grinning, and feeling utterly 17, I gave the go-ahead. "Well if you're thinking it's a strap-on or something, you'd better check it out. We can't have you wandering around misinformed or, god forbid, curious."
Her fingers trailed across my belly as she smirked at me. She had a habit of maintaining eye contact when we were venturing into new territories. I loved that about her. I helped her out with my button and zipper since it was fairly strained and she was working blindly. I sucked in a breath as her fingers slid in the waistband.
"Too much? Should I do this on the outside first?"
I nodded, knowing exactly what she meant.
Her hand moved inside the jeans, but she acquainted herself with my very real appendage from outside my boxers. I could feel the warmth of her hand through the fabric as she gingerly stroked it. My eyes held hers as her hand moved around and as the initial flow of venom was drained from my mouth, I lifted my hips to slide the cumbersome jeans right out of the way.
She helped yank them off altogether and gave me a coy grin as both hands then ran up and down my hardened length. My moan was taken for approval when she slid her fingertips inside the remaining fabric. I hissed and sighed and chuckled as she made first bare skin contact with something only my own hands had ever touched. And jesus FUCK! She was so incredibly warm... Venom was flowing down there already.
'He's wet! And fucking huge... oh my god...'
Enough of that...I blocked her thoughts and closed my eyes, giving her silent permission to continue on her plight. Her wonderfully gifted hands glided up and down and around, taking advantage of my dripping venom to make her movements fluid. It was better than I'd ever imagined... all of it, but when her thumb ran soft circles around the tip, I almost lost it. Reaching down with my own hand, I held hers in place for a moment, to collect myself. When I felt controlled, I gently moved her hand away from the head and slid it up and down the shaft. Softly...slowly...
It was all under control and feeling like heaven until she made a sudden move and I felt her lips on my belly; her hair tickling my balls and base of my shaft. And her warm, wet mouth was kissing and licking and then I could feel her moist breath so very close...
"Oh god!" I cried out and shoved her away before the venom erupted, spraying across my stomach where she had been a moment earlier. Her hand stayed on me the whole time and even afterwards, but she stayed motionless until I gave the sign that it was okay. She was so good with me and my issues about control. At the moment, feeding on her was the furthest thing from my mind. I had so much adoration for her, I just wanted to wrap her up in my arms and attempt to make her understand even a fraction of what I was feeling.
As I swallowed and moved my hand out for her, she unfroze; giving me another several tugs and a whistle of admiration. "Whew! 100% real... sorry for doubting you Iceman. You've got a champion there!" She was teasing me but having heard her thoughts from earlier, I knew it wasn't all in jest.
"Scared?" I smirked as I reached for tissues to clean myself off.
"Mmm. You know, it's the strangest mix of fear and gimme some of that!" She giggled, just the way I loved and bent to kiss my belly, now free of venom. Then she crawled up and laid herself out alongside me to snuggle. Her arm went across my chest and her fingers played around with the scattering of hair there. "You're okay, right?" she asked me softly.
I placed a dozen kisses on the top of her head. "Perfect, my love. Just perfect."
"Great!" Her sex kitten grin was in place when she looked up at me. "Can I play some more now?"
And so we had our first night with no time restrictions. I remained in control and for the most part, 17. My lust was that of a 17-year-old, certainly. But my love for her was a testiment to my time spent on Earth. No kid could love so intensely, so completely. No kid would restrain their urges, as I most definitely was, for the sake of having their girl know what a love without expectation of gratification felt like. I didn't demand a thing, didn't ask a thing of her. I simply let her find her way around my stone body and loved her all the while.
"Mmmm," I mumbled as she nuzzled on my neck. "That feels really good."
"You never tell me what you want." She nuzzled some more and ran her fingers over my bare chest. "So Iceman, what do you want?"
I smiled contently. "This."
"And that's it? Seriously?" She propped herself up on an elbow to look at me. "Open your eyes."
I complied, still smiling.
"Is there something you want me to do for you? Every time we're together, it's always about me."
"Have you forgotten earlier on already?" I chuckled.
"No way... do you want more of that? Or more, period? Are you ready for more?"
"Honestly? I don't know." My voice was very low, being completely honest.
"Okay. Well... how 'bout you tell me what you like so I know for the future..."
I laughed against her hair as I held her. "I like this." I laughed again when she responded with a groan of frustration. "Okay, okay... I like you kissing my neck. That feels awesome. And..."
"Go on..." She propped her chin on her arms as she laid on my chest, watching me with great interest.
"Um, well... earlier... uh, that first time..."
She placed her hand on my already expanding dick as I stuttered my way through. It reacted to her touch instantly. "Okay, so we have a ready and willing model... what did you like from earlier?" She stroked me as I pressed my head back against the pillows. "This is kind of predictable, don't you think? Every guy likes this...what's your thing?"
"What's yours?" I countered, my voice cracking as she gave a particularly sensational tug just at that moment.
"Um, apparently you sucking on me. I've never had such explosive orgasms. Jesus... " She trembled just thinking about it. "So what's yours?"
"Oh god! That! For one..." I cried out as she ran her finger around the head in circles. Venom oozed out as she did.
"Obviously!" She giggled as she took advantage of my natural lubricant and used it to draw even more circles. The more she did, the more I oozed. "Ahhh! I've discovered your thing!"
"It's called a penis, Bella," I teased. "Let's be mature about this."
She gave me a kiss as she grinned, gradually deepening it until my mouth filled with venom as well.
"Iceman, you like wet things," she taunted playfully. "It's not just the motion down there, it's the wetness...am I right?"
I nodded, my face contorted in erotic pleasure. "That...and your warmth. I wonder what..." What do you feel like inside, my Bella? Is it even warmer where it's moist... like your mouth?
And so, that first night of unrestricted time together, she opened herself up to me and I discovered that yes, she was indeed extremely warm and really fucking wet inside. My Bella either had a love for me that rivalled my own for her, or she was still seeking that pain she desired when she'd had sexual encounters before me because she took my icy fingers without expressing any amount of discomfort. In fact, she came twice.
"Tell me something else I don't know about you Iceman," Bella murmured against my chest.
"Baby, aren't you going to sleep at all tonight?" I gave her head a soft kiss. I was loving every second with her, but I was also concerned about her human requirements. She should be tired... and hungry. "Let me up for a sec?" I pulled my jeans on and gave her another kiss before leaving to tend to her other needs; adding wood to the fires and fixing her a snack.
"It is New Year's," I announced as I returned with a plate for her and passed her a glass. "Sparkling grape juice."
She grinned and drank it down thirstily. "My mother would so approve," she giggled.
"Yeah? She'd approve of me feeding you strawberries as you lie naked in my bed?"
"Well... okay, point taken. But still - you're good for me. You're good TO me. I love you for that."
And there, she'd said it; what she'd been thinking for weeks - months. I took the glass from her as she berated herself mentally for spurting it out that way. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I held her chin and kissed her gently at first, and then with all the emotion I felt at the moment.
"Bella, what you just said... that goes both ways. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Seriously. EVER. And I love you so much."
She brushed away a tear; a happy tear, as she hugged me. "I love you so much Iceman. You have no idea..."
But I did. And while it felt exhilarating to be loved by this fantastic human being, I also felt like I was the cruelest being in the world for letting her feel that way. Knowing that it wouldn't... couldn't end well.
I eased out of her hold and sat with my head in my hands, debating my move. "Bella, I think you should read my journal."
She look at me curiously. "The one you read to me from? Sure...but why?"
I shook my head. "A new one. I just started." Opening the drawer by the bed, I took out the new journal and laid it on the table. "You can read it if you'd like. Or not, if you prefer. It's your choice. I'm going to go wash up a bit. And you should eat." I popped a cheese wedge in her mouth as I stood and left her on her own.
'He's going to leave me...'
My still heart felt like it was being crushed as I stood alone in the bathroom. Fuck, I was the most vile creature that ever roamed this planet. She had opened herself to me, completely and even as she realized that I would, one day, destroy everything we'd shared, she still loved me. Her thoughts were hitting me like bullets, even from another room. She was reading my journal entry. My double-thinking journal entry that I'd written the night before I'd first brought her to the improved cottage.
Her voice echoed through my mind as she read to herself:
Almost a new year. Another year...how they come and go...
This one is ending quite differently than the others. Much has changed. I've changed. For the first time, I'm truly grateful to have been spared; to have been offered this chance to experience what I have. The long, lonely days of suffering were all worth these past months. If only I knew how long it could go on. I dread thinking of it, and yet I must. An end is inevitable. Perhaps these days will somehow manage to light my world on the darkest of days to come.
I've written, briefly, about the cause of this change; the great and wondrous disturbance of my self-hatred. I'm eternally grateful for any time with my angel - my gift from the heavens, though I doubt I deserve her.
She, this gift, is the reason for my lack of entries. Instead of writing, I've been living.
My angel asks nothing of me, yet I want to give her the world. She's become my world. There is Bella and nothing else. Nothing that matters. Every hour...every second... she is on my mind. In my heart.
When so long ago, I'd lost faith in humankind, with their insincerity, greed and selfishness... one little angel reversed all of that. She is everything they are not and she's shown me there is hope.
I'm in love.
What can I possibly offer her in return? I could buy her anything, take her anywhere, give her everything she desires - with the exception of the only things she does desire...
I stopped punishing myself and blocked her rebuttal thoughts as she read the 3 items on my list. I busied myself in the shower, getting my emotions in check before I could face her again. I dreaded thinking that she'd be hurt by my written words, but it was better for her in the long run to know...to be prepared.
We had time enough to fall deeply in love with each other. And we have now. Nothing else really mattered.
Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters...
(Metallica)