Don't Stay
Sometimes I feel like I trusted you too well
Sometimes I just feel like screaming at myself
Sometimes I'm in disbelief I didn't know
Somehow I need to be alone…
I spent a good portion of the first month of the year absent from school. There were few breaks from the sun in this unusually dry period. Luckily, it got dark very early so I was able to go see Bella at her house, or take her out to the cottage or home to spend some time with Alice. Of course, she never questioned me; even on the days I would show up to drive her to school but didn't go to classes, myself. I would wait in the car and drop her off near the school. Sometimes I simply couldn't wait until dusk to see her.
My trust in her grew stronger as she accepted it all and continued to know just when to stop me during our intimate times. She could do practically anything to me now and I felt in control of my inner monster and I had even delved into her warmth on several more occasions with gentle fingers to get her more accustomed to my icy touch inside. She only flinched with initial contact; thereafter, she opened herself for me with anticipation of the pleasure to come. It seemed enough for her and it was quite easily manageable for me so it worked all around.
I was so comfortable with our relationship that I was only slightly annoyed when she showed up at the cottage after school one sunny day, unannounced. Sure, she didn't know that she could catch me unfed, but she did know that I insisted on warning. She pouted as I chastised her decision but I melted when she kissed me in apology. Refusing her suggestion to go into the bedroom, instead, I opened her bag and took out her homework. It was a safe activity and when she was done, I rewarded her with more kisses.
Those kisses led, as they always did, to the removal of clothes and further exploits into gratification. I was simply unable to refuse her when she made those soft moans that she did as I sucked on her breasts or probed her moist folds. Still seated, she had slid down the couch so her bottom was at the very edge of the cushion as I coaxed her towards an orgasm with my fingers. I left the mound I was sucking on when I noticed it turning an angry red...too much. I traced over her abdomen with my frigid tongue, sending shivers through her as she came around my fingers. So wet... so warm...
And the scent of her come filled my nostrils.
"God, Bella! I want to taste you!" I murmured as I kissed around her belly button and headed for her pelvic bone. Her hips lifted in agreement. Kneeling before her, I kissed along her inner thigh , lost in the erotic scent that drew me to the warmest place on her. She sucked in a breath as my tongue reached those warm folds, but I kept going, knowing she'd adjust to the coldness. Soon she was writhing against my mouth as I lapped up her juices and teased her pert clit. Crying out as my tongue darted inside, she came for me again and I went mad with the taste and scent that filled me in every way.
Ohhhh fuck... she tasted just as good as I'd imagined all these months. Better, in fact. I wanted more. So I took more and she didn't complain nor stop me.
She didn't stop me.
When she cried out for the third time, she pulled me up for a deep, passionate kiss. "I wanna do it, Iceman. Will you try for me? Please?"
"Bella..." I groaned around her hot mouth. "I'll hurt you..."
"We'll go slow. I'm ready for you Edward. And you're ready too. Trust me."
"I do..." I did. Too far into arousal to reason with myself for trusting this human I held so dearly, so much, I went along with her wishes. My jeans were shed immediately and I positioned myself between her legs as I took another delicious kiss. She moaned, high on the mix of my venom and her own juice.
"Now Iceman...I want you in me... now..." She held my granite dick and guided me towards her warmth. She rubbed herself against me to get me wet before attempting to slide in. Just that contact alone produced my own version of venom–laced pre-come, so when I felt her ease the head inside, the rest followed smoothly with our combined moisture.
"Oh... fuck!" I groaned as I felt her muscles contract around me. So tight! And HOT! I froze for a few moments, revelling in the brand new sensation of being inside a pussy. I had come many times courtesy of her hand, and thought I'd reached Eden the times she'd had me in her mouth, but none of that compared to the feel of her tight pussy around my dick. Not even close.
Bella thought I was pausing for her sake. So trusting in me. "It's okay baby... you're not hurting me. It feels soooo good." She pulled back slightly so she could begin moving with me inside. Two slides up and down was all I needed to get lost in Bella's pussy.
I held onto her hips as tightly as I dared as I thrusted in and out, kissing her and sucking on her tongue when she offered it to me. She gripped my hips without a need for gentleness and held on tightly as we moved together. "I love you Bella," I grunted against her cheek. "You have no idea..."
"I do... keep going Iceman... it's so good..."
And then she uttered that sound that drove me wild.
And I wanted more. I wanted Bella on my dick in ways that I'd seen from others' thoughts. Pulling out quickly, I caught her off guard and she protested immediately. She was close to another orgasm.
"Shhh, shhh, my love... you'll have yours..." I cooed as I sat on the couch and pulled her on top of me. She spread herself to accept me inside once again and came the instant she had taken it all in. I continued bouncing her on my erection the whole while as she moaned and gripped my shoulders. "Come for me again, sweet Bella. I want to taste you next time."
I pulled her off and laid her out on her back when I felt her nearing the next wave. Burying my face in her wetness again, I lapped it up while tugging on myself. "Fuck, Bella... I need to come..."
She stopped me as I perched over her, dick in hand. "Edward... do you have a condom? I mean, I want you to come... it's only fair..."
"I'll pull out..." I grumbled as positioned myself against her.
"Iceman, you leak a lot. No offense, but I don't want your kid right now."
I paused long enough to hear her words and offer assurance. "I can't make you pregnant Bella. It's not a possibility." Only living creatures could reproduce.
And so, I prepared to enter her again, taking it a little slower this time. I did love this girl and wanted her to feel that love, not just the sex. The desire and urgency built inside me at an alarming rate as I stroked in and out tenderly. This wasn't cutting it. I pulled out and flipped her over in one movement, entering her pussy from behind.
"Oh! Jesus...fuck!"
"Mmm, my sentiments exactly!" Bella giggled as she moved against me.
I leaned forward to nuzzle the back of her neck as I bucked in and out. She made her sound and another sound entirely came from me. Was that a growl? Had I fucking growled? The panic lasted only as long as it took her to reach back and grab hold of my ass to shove me in further. And as I rammed against her, the animal came into play. I wanted to fuck her like she'd never been fucked. I would make her come and drink from her again. Oh, how I wanted to drink from her...
"Bella...I want you to be mine...forever..." I mumbled against her ear soothingly. It was true, but it wasn't the man in me professing my undying love; it was the monster luring her in.
She shuddered against me as she nodded her agreement. She would give anything to have that. I'd made it her desire as well.
"Yes," I whispered. "My sweet Bella..." Give yourself...
As I pressed my lips to her neck, I rammed myself as deep inside her as I could. I would taste her as I came. She'd have my venom spreading throughout her body entirely and she would be mine. Forever. I could practically taste her already as my mouth overflowed with my venom. I was so near... Give yourself, sweet Bella. Come with me...
"Ow! Edward..." Bella suddenly cried out. "Oh... baby that's a little too hard..."
In that instant, I was back. The man in me, horrified and disgusted by the things the monster had imagined and hoped for. I pulled out and ran from her as she called after me. She thought she'd done something wrong... she had, of course. She hadn't stopped me. Better she feel bad that be dead. Or undead. I locked the door of the bathroom behind me and stood at the sink as heaves came from deep within my body. I regurgitated every drop of fluid I'd taken from her along with the venom I'd swallowed. I'd had no right.
"Edward? Are you sick?" Bella called from outside the door.
"Just... I need a few minutes..." I called back, trying to sound less frantic than I was. "I'm okay... just go wait for me." Go home, Bella. Please.
I cried tearlessly; as I now knew what that feeling was, I could identify it. I'd come so close to killing the only girl I'd ever loved. Gripping the sink, I looked up to see the monster in the mirror. He stared back with eyes so dark blood-red they appeared black. Dammit! I pounded the mirror with my fist, shattering my reflection since I couldn't destroy myself.
"Edward?" I heard Bella call from the main room. "Are you okay? Do you need help? Should I call Carlisle?"
"No!" I shouted. YES! I pleaded silently. Call him. Make him take you away from me. Please... "I'm... I'll be right with you." I ran some water and splashed my face to calm myself down. I would have to see her home safely. Somehow, I had to pull it together enough to get her to safety.
When I felt calmer, I let myself out, closing the door behind me. She sat on the edge of the bed, wearing only my shirt. Her concerned eyes bore into me as I glanced her way.
"Get dressed," I barked as I stormed past her. "I'm taking you home now."
"What happened in there Edward? I heard a crash..."
"Nothing. The mirror fell. That's all. Come on, let's go."
"We should talk about this..."
"Let's GO!" There was no time to sweet talk her. If we stayed here any longer, I couldn't guarantee my thirst would not overwhelm me. The rage was already out of my control.
She whimpered quietly as she dressed. It was the worst sound I'd ever hear from her. The sound of her heart breaking.
"I'm going to get the car. Be ready when I return." Slamming the door behind me to shut out her sobs, I watched her through her thoughts as I ran. The first thing she'd done was to go see the damage I'd caused in the bathroom. Then she went to the drawer where I kept my journal and read through the entries I'd made since the last one I'd had her read. She was prepared when I returned. She knew it was over.
"We can't do this anymore," I said softly as we sat in front of her house.
"It was my fault..." she started to protest.
"NO! You did nothing Bella! Don't you see? THIS is who I am! You gave yourself to me out of love and I fucking..." I gripped the steering wheel as I struggled to keep the rage inside. If only she'd stopped me...
But she had. In the end, she had. It was the only thing that had saved her.
"Bella, I'm sorry. I've never loved anyone like I love you, but I can't do this anymore. It's too..."
Difficult.
Dangerous.
Stupid.
She cried silent tears beside me, knowing she couldn't talk me out of it this time.
"I'm sorry Bella. It has to be this way."
She took a deep breath. "I'm out entirely? We're not even friends anymore?"
I considered that. If I could keep her in my life safely, I'd rather that... but I'd tasted her and it was something I'd never forget. "Whatever you need."
"I need you...us..."
"Except that." My statement was firm.
She slipped out of my car, tears streaming down her cheeks as she looked at me one last time. "I love you Iceman. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Know that. Remember that."
I screamed out my pain only once she was inside. And then I sped off to feed on whatever crossed my path first. I just prayed it wouldn't be human.
I stayed locked in the cottage for more than a week. I didn't feed, I didn't weep. I was locking myself in that place between man and vampire again. I couldn't be either. And I couldn't be dead. No one else needed to be involved in my new pity party so I stayed away from family as well.
Alice, however, being Alice...knew my anguish. She also knew I wasn't answering any of Bella's calls or texts. I'd put her in a place she hated as well; between me and her new best friend. She loved Bella, differently than I did, but equal to me. It broke her heart to see Bella worrying over me and distraught about our break-up. She never mentioned to Alice that we'd finally had sex. Or that I'd drilled her like a fucking animal. Alice never mentioned to her that she knew... and that I had come within a hair of taking her life. And so, each day after school, Alice would visit and relate the day's events and then hold me for hours if I needed her to.
"Just go talk to her Edward," Alice said one day while she stroked my back in an embrace. "She'll understand honey."
"I can't put her in more danger Alice. I may have been able to stop that once, but who knows next time?"
"I know. And you know that I know. Edward, don't be stubborn!"
"Okay, so you see me not killing her...what about others? The Volturi? I know you can't see them the way you see me."
She admitted I was right, in silence. "Still, she misses you horribly Edward. You were more than her boyfriend you know."
"I know," I whispered before dismissing her.
The next day, I decided I would go for a hunt and then pay a visit to my love. Just to ease her worries.
Renee opened the door to me but not with her usual smile and wide open welcome. Instead, she stepped out on the porch with me. I could read her disappointment through her eyes, her thoughts weren't necessary. Her words stung even more.
"I thought you were different. I thought you'd be the one for Isabella...her heart is breaking, you know that?"
"I know." Mine, as well.
"What are you doing here Edward? Have you come to apologize? Ask her to take you back? Rub her nose in it some more...what?"
"I... uh... I don't really know. I just... I'm very worried about her..."
"Should've thought of that before you made her fall in love with you," she said sadly. The anger was still brimming behind the sadness, but the disappointment spoke louder than both. "If you still don't know what it is you want, then I suggest you leave her alone Edward. You were right about one thing... she is stronger than I ever gave her credit for."
"Then you're not medicating her again?"
She stared at me incredulously, like I had any right to ask anything. Like I could know what's best for Bella. "She's coping. For now."
I nodded, letting out a sigh of relief. I couldn't bear to think of Grey returning.
"Just leave her be Edward," Renee advised softly. "She has abandonment issues, she doesn't need another man in and out of her life. I'll see her through this. I know what's best for my daughter."
"If you could just..." I stood there helplessly, wanting to beg to see her one more time. "Please just let her know...somehow...that..." What? What would I have her mother say for me? I'm sorry I fucked you like an animal? I'm sorry I couldn't control myself enough to love you like the man you deserve to have? "I'm so very sorry." I stepped back and turned to leave.
"I'll tell her," Renee called out gently. "Take care Edward."
I stood for endless seconds, not knowing if Renee had left me on my own or if she stayed to see that I did leave. "I'll always love her," I stated quietly before I took off for the comfort of my car.
My car took me on my search for more comfort... far away from all that I loved; all that I could hurt. Driving for days on end, I finally stopped when the rugged path I was on ended. I knew from the last road signs I'd seen, I was somewhere in Nova Scotia. My family had never settled out here, it seemed a perfect place to lose myself. The woods were vast and even the nearest towns were sparsely populated. I could live out here on my own, without anyone knowing of my existence.
Of course, Alice knew. She called every 5 minutes until I finally relented and picked up. Reaming me out for leaving without a word to anybody, she didn't stop until she had it out of her system and I didn't even attempt to stop her. She gave it to me for Esme as well, who was absolutely livid that I hadn't said goodbye.
"Tell her I'm sorry Alice. Please do what you can? Ask Jazz to help?" I pleaded with her. "I need to do this. It's best for Bella too."
She disagreed, but agreed to keep my whereabouts between us. I spent every day, consciously changing my mind about where I'd head next, just to throw Alice off in case I wanted to be lost for good. Maybe I needed a complete break from the coven as well.
The days turned into weeks as I roamed on my own, never seeing a single soul. In those weeks, I acted out another failed starvation attempt. It had lasted more than 3 weeks. My longest ever. I prayed over the body of the innocent deer that had met me at the wrong moment and regurgitated half of what I'd taken from her. Her. Not only had I failed at starving myself, I'd taken a doe... a mother, no doubt. I had only ever taken bucks for that reason. I couldn't even be a proper 'vegetarian vampire'.
One day, I caught my reflection in the glistening water as I rinsed any remnants of blood from my hunt off. I sparkled in the water, just as I did in life. I looked alien with my sunken, dark eyes surrounded by glittering white skin. My true form laid out for me in a portrait in the lake as the blood flowed around my image. I snorted, half laugh/half sob, as I watched the blood ooze across my pale reflection. The sounds continued from me as I collapsed by the lake. Eventually, I crawled into the small hole I'd discovered in the side of the mountain. I believe Bella had accused me of acting like a caveman at one point, and now I was. I laughed/sobbed until my entire body ached and then I laughed/sobbed that I could cause myself pain, but not end it. Ever.
I was trapped once again. The cave I went slowly mad in was my prison. My own mind; my punishment, as I recalled every minute I'd spent with Bella. Cursed myself for every mistake I'd made with her. Missed her loving touches and concerned eyes so much it made me scream out in pain. Laughed, thinking of how her awkwardness made her even more appealing to me. Surely, this was what insanity felt like.
Don't stay
Forget our memories
Forget our possibilities
What you were changing me into
Just give me myself back and
Don't stay…
(Linkin Park)
A/N ~ This was a really difficult chapter to write. (And some days the editing on doc manager drives me effin mad! For real... why does it mess with the formatting? GRRRR!) I hope I've captured how much Edward detests the darker side of himself and how essential it is that he works through this. Don't hate me for writing this part! I promise not to drag it out, but there is quite a bit of angst to come in the next chapters. Stick with me, we'll get them through it. ;-) Thanks for the reviews! ~ SR
(Okay, 90 mins is all I'll put into trying to centre a dozen lines. I know the formatting is messed up but I give up. For now... )