Chapter 3

Tsunami

Ziva's POV

We are all busy trying to deflect another terrorist attack, yet as I dutifully investigate my assigned leads I steal a look to the empty desk across from me and I feel uneasy. My heart sinks as it occurs to me that Abby would eventually have evidence for the team and in her sweet honesty she will not be able to hide her feelings or keep things from those who care about her. I know asking her not to divulge a secret when it causes her concern is unfair, so maybe it is time that I face Abby and let her talk it out before someone else stumbles upon her in an unsettled state. I stand as Tony walks to his desk, whistling. He sits, shuffles papers and tries not to look at me. Despite his efforts I feel his eyes on me as I walk away.

"Abby?"

"In here, Ziva." A conflicted voice utters from her far office. I cross my arms and lean in the side of the doorframe. Her hair is down, her eyes look tired and Burt is snuggled in her lap while she attempts to examine fragments from the bomb. I am hoping that she is hiding to keep herself from having to see anyone, rather than out of guilt of having spilled the peas.

"Abby, I know what you saw, and I want to assure you that I no longer feel pain associated with the scars. I cannot help that they are there, but they only represent the past. You need not worry about me."

She stands up abruptly. "How can I not worry? I spent months worrying about you, then mourning you. I knew that you needed space but I should have tried harder to find you. I am so sorry! I tried to follow you but Mossad is so secretive and I kept running into dead ends. Then we thought you were dead and I never got to say goodbye or hug you when you left DC, just like I never had the chance to say goodbye to Kate. It was happening all over again. Then we tracked Salim and we didn't know you were still captured, and that must have been worse than anything . . ."

"Abby . . . " I try to slow the vocal tsunami coming at me. She draws breath then continues, only mildly slower than before.

"Anyway, during it all I was bound to this lab, even when the guys went to rescue you I had to stay here, in this sanitized environment, helpless. I heard you were safe and I saw you walk out of the elevator, exhausted and beaten down, but I wasn't in Africa to see the hell you escaped from. Ziva, I just was so far away from your suffering, it didn't seem real. I couldn't make myself think about how badly you were tortured or what you had to live through. Tony and McGee told me some of what happened, but you know them, they would try to shield me from the nastiness of a paper cut if they could. Tony especially. With Timmy I could see the intense look in his eyes from time to time, and I knew he was keeping the worst from me."

She took another breath then continued.

"I figured Gibbs had the full report, but he would seal it and the rest of us knew it wasn't our business unless you wanted to tell us. So, now that you know that I know, do you want to talk about it at all? If not, could I at least hug you a bit more often because I know that you went without kindness for a long time, and not just when you were captured. If anyone needs more hugs in her life, it is you. But I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I guess I'm just rambling because, you know, I love you, we all love you and would do anything for you and I can't erase those scars, but I need to do something to help them go away, at least on the inside."

I cannot help but smile. During her rambling Abby had walked around the room, holding Burt and did not seem to notice the occasional noise he was expelling. Now she looks at me with eyes still reddened, pained, but hopeful. I look at the friend I know I would never deserve and hold out my arms. Abby does not wait for a verbal invitation. She hugs me tightly and with her sobs I feel the distress lift from her shoulders. I am still learning to accept physical affection, but I tell myself that this is as necessary as the countless stitches that pierced my skin to promote healing. After growing up with Eli where independence and toughness were valued above all else, this had been foreign territory for me years ago and after this summer I am relearning the value of touch. Each hug is becoming less uncomfortable and I wonder if eventually they would become welcome.

"Thank you, Abby. I do feel better that I no longer need to conceal my scars from you. Please do not worry, though. I am safe at home, at least until the next dirty bomb explodes, or bad guy shoots my direction," I say lightly.

As she wipes her eyes she smiles and says "Yeah, but I know as long as you are here, the guys have your back and there is no way they will ever let anyone take you from them again."

I then have an idea. I take the hairbrush from Abby's top drawer, ask her to turn around and sit on her stool and I start brushing, then parting and twisting her hair into french braids. I have not done this since Tali was little, but I know Abby needs all the reassurance I can offer and I am surprised at how my hands have not forgotten the exercise. Once her hair is done and her tears have dried I ask, "So we are good now, Yes?"

"Yes indeedy! And Ziva . . . thank you."

As she reaches for the ipod controls she pauses and asks, "So Tony doesn't know about your scars? Are you going to tell him?"

I did not expect that question. I think for a moment and answer her honestly, "I know he is aware that I endured much. I have not shown him, or described to him how extensive they are, but I know he is aware that they exist."

Abby looks pensive then says, "I will keep my promise not to tell the guys about them, but please promise me that one day you will at least confide in Tony. He loves you, you know."

I know that Abby and Tony have always been close. He has always played the overprotective brother but her concern for him often rivals his efforts. I offer her a half smile and reply, "I promise that one day I will bare some of my scars to him, but I am not yet ready. Today was just one step for me and I need to pace myself." I am certain that Abby noted that I did not address the second part of her declaration. I am not able to process that just yet. As I turn around I nearly run into Gibbs.