If I Gave You My Heart

If I gave you my heart
Where would you be
Would it mean nothing
If not for me
If I gave you my eyes
What would they see
Would they see nothing
If not for me…

Bella was awake before dawn, too anxious to get on with our day to sleep. It suited me fine. We toured more of her favourite sites before the sun came up.

"When I was a kid, I used to try to touch the sky with my toes," Bella laughed as I pushed her on a swing in the park Riley would take her to when they were all together as a family. "Ever do that?"

"No," I laughed. "Can't say that I have."

"Try! You'll love it!"

Taking the swing beside hers, I matched took her lead and we swung, laughing like children. I loved seeing Bella this way. I imagine she was a very pleasant and happy child, though I also pictured her having her stubborn streak from birth. It made me smile, thinking about an emotionally healthy Bella.

"Doubles is fun too. Wanna try?"

"Doubles? You'll have to explain…"

Jumping off her swing with a giggle, she waited for me to stop and approached me. "You stay like that, and I go… here…" She climbed on my lap, facing me with her legs dangling behind. She giggled at the expression on my face from the intimate seating arrangement. "Relax Iceman. Just have fun. Push!"

I pushed off and we both worked to achieve greater height and I did feel relaxed, never laughing so much in my life. I slowed us to a stop when we began getting looks from parents bringing their young children for an early morning play.

"Thank you Bella, for making me remember what it felt like to be a kid." I gave her a soft kiss before lifting us off the swing and setting her on the ground. She gave me another before letting me go. "Where to next?"

"The cemetery is on the next block," she said quietly. "Would you mind if I just went to see Riley for a minute?"

"Whatever you need to do. Which way?"

I walked through the yard with her, weaving around the headstones and crypts, but when she located Riley's marker, I stood aside to give her time on her own. I watched her as her fingers traced delicately over the etchings in the stone and then she knelt on the ground and gave it a hug. I parked myself under a tree and thought of how I might like to go see my parents' memorial stones sometime – if there were any. My eyes drifted up to the sky and saw that the clouds in the distance were beginning to break up. I didn't want to cut Bella's time with Riley short, that's what she came for. But I also couldn't get caught outside in the open this way.

As if attuned to my worries, she stood, placing a kiss on her fingers and touching them to the stone marker and joined me under the tree. "Thank you for doing this."

I smiled gently and pulled her close for a hug. "I'd love to stay here with you all day, but I think I have to go back to the hotel now."

Worry creased her brow as she stroked my face. "Not feeling well?"

No lies, I reminded myself. "It's just one of those times I need to be inside. Away from people."

"I'll take you back, make sure you're okay and then I'll go. I wanted to see if I could meet up with Jacob while I'm here anyway. Maybe it's a good time to do that so I'm out of your way."

"You're not in my way Bella," I said softly. "But I don't want to keep you from the things you need to do either. Let's just see how this works out."

Walking back proved to be problematic. A breeze had sprung up, clearing the clouds much quicker than I'd thought. I was feeling the panic begin as I looked for an alternative option to the hotel – still several blocks away. "Hey, do you want to see a movie or something? Is there a mall nearby? We can pick up the things we need and get that out of the way."

She gave me a confused look. "I thought you wanted to be away from people?"

I leaned close and spoke into her ear. "I just need to be inside. Anywhere. Maybe for several hours. I can't make it to the hotel."

Her mind processed this new information and she began looking for our solution. "The PATH." Her eyes darted around the streets, pinpointing our current location.

"What's the PATH?" I couldn't see where she was going with this.

"It's an underground pathway. You can get around most of the city through it. There's stores and stuff down there but it's only crowded on shitty days. Most people will be on the streets on a day like this. Would that work for you?"

I beamed with delight at my luck and Bella's ability to find solutions to my problems constantly. "That's perfect Bella! How do we get down there?"

We were able to kill a couple of hours, shopping around, safely out of the sun. Bella protested against the amount of money I was spending on her, but it didn't stop me. She was worth any amount to me. I also convinced her to select some food she'd like to have in the room in case we were stuck inside for long stretches. Though, with her PATH solution, it left us many more options. We went back to the room so she could eat and call Jacob.

"Was that really horrible for you?" Bella asked after we were settled back in the room. "Sitting in a cemetery waiting for me to do… whatever. God, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do there. I just feel like I have to be there. Does that make any sense?"

"Sure, and I'm fine just about anywhere Bella, when the timing is right. Don't give a second thought to my comfort. We can go back later, if you want. Talk to him some more."

"Talk to him? Like, actually speak… out loud…"

I grinned at her. "Like that would be the craziest thing you've ever done," I teased. "Why not? We've come all this way. I want you to do everything you need to. There's no point going home and regretting not having done something or wishing you had done something differently while you had the opportunity." The same applies to me, I reminded myself to use this time to finally get things out in the open with the girl I loved.

"Edward, how long can we stay here?"

"As long as you need to."

"And you'll be okay? You don't need medicine or your… fluids?" She looked away, nervously. "Sorry. I shouldn't ask about that."

I went over to join her on the couch, taking her hand and pressing my icy lips against it. She shivered but clung to our locked hands with her other hand. "If we're going to do this again, I want it to be different this time. It won't work otherwise."

She nodded in agreement. 'He's going to tell me his secrets!' "You can tell me, Edward. You can trust me."

"I know; I do. I do trust you Bella. But I can't tell you. Do you understand?"

She groaned in frustration. "We're back where we were! How can it be different if you won't open yourself to me?"

"I will. But I can't TELL you. Bella, you're smart, and better yet, bright. Know what I mean? You spot things, you have good intuition and good reasoning skills. I need you to think back to all the strange things you've seen and ignored or just accepted. I need you to think it through and don't fluff anything off. It's all there for you Bella. If you think it through, you can figure it out. You need to figure it out if we're to move forward."

"I have to do this on my own? Unravel all your secrets…"

I nodded excitedly.

"Without asking questions, of course," she stated with a smirk.

I grinned. "You can ask. But you have to decipher my replies. I won't outright lie, but I can't state facts either."

Her grin matched my own. "It's like a camp game."

"But much more serious. I know it sounds melodramatic, but my life is, Bella. Once you know what it entails, you can decide if you want to pursue any sort of relationship with me."

Her phone interrupted our conversation and her thoughts. Jacob, returning her call and of course he'd love to see her. I took her to meet with him at the restaurant they agreed on, waiting in the car as they greeted. He was thrilled to see her, immediately wrapping her up in a big hug and then patting her on the head as an older brother would. She waved to me as they ducked inside. I wanted to give her space. Time to relive old times with her brother's friend. Time to be involved with other humans. Ask any of my family members and they would say they would have liked to have more contact with the humans they knew before they became immortal. I could give Bella that.

They were still inside when I went to pick her up at the arranged time. She waved me over to the table when she saw me enter. Jacob stood, immediately as walked up, holding his hand out to me.

"Ah, the prodigal boyfriend! Good to meet you man! Bellybutton has been talking about you all night!"

"Bellybutton?" I cocked an eyebrow and smirked at her.

She rolled her eyes. "Some things never get old huh? Or just DIE!"

Jacob roared with laughter and motioned for us to take our seats. "Her nickname came about for 2 reasons. The obvious…Belly… Isabella. But Bellybutton is because she was bellybutton height on me and Riley for god… it seemed like years…"

"It was. You kept growing. I could never catch up! The problem with having a considerably older brother."

I smiled, appreciating the history and loving her having this time to remember good times.

"Can I get you a drink? Beer?"

"Oh, uh… I'm underage," I replied.

"You look old enough. They won't card you…" He motioned for the waiter.

"No, really, I'm fine."

"Edward's driving. He can't drink." Bella had me covered. She smiled at me with a wink and took my hand under the table. "We won't stay too long. I know you're tired." She turned back to Jake to cover me further. "He's been driving for days. Catches up with you when you stop."

They chatted on for another half hour or so, and I really didn't mind just listening in. I was getting a very pleasing image of a happier Bella. And it was clear that Jacob was like a second older brother to her. He couldn't replace Riley, but he cared for her just as he had.

When Bella excused herself to find the washroom, Jacob took the opportunity to give me the big brother talk. "So, I wanted to thank you for bringing her down here. I know she's been homesick. I've been lax in keeping in touch with her though. I suck at correspondence." He offered an apologetic grin. "But she tells me you've been the key to getting her here and have been very supportive. That's awesome."

"I know how important it is to her to be here right now. Of course I'd help her." It felt strange to me, sitting here with him. I was not intimidated by anyone, normally. But spending my time with Bella, acting human had given me more human qualities than I cared for. If I could sweat, I would have. "She's very important to me. I'd do anything for her."

Jacob nodded, eyeing me carefully. "You know she's been fucked over."

"I do know that, yes."

"She told me about you buying her that Gibson. Very cool. You know the story, right?"

"Her brother had one like it…"

"Her brother would have wanted her to have it. He taught her to play on that guitar. Her dick of a father took it when he cleared out the apartment he had with another buddy."

I raised my eyebrows in interest. I hadn't known that part. "So he still has the original?"

"Doubt it. It caused a huge stink, so I think he would've given it to her if he had it. He has no use for it, personally. I don't think it meant nearly as much to him as it did to Isabella, obviously. When she kicked up a fuss about it, the logical thing would have been to send it to her. Instead, he got angry and refused to speak of it. He sent her a replacement as a Christmas gift. Dumb fuck thinks an SG is the same as Riley's. I have no idea if she even uses it. She was pissed."

I pictured her guitar, from what I remembered. It was battered and worn looking. I had assumed it was a hand-me-down, but knowing Bella, she had used it as a target for her anger and frustration before she actually picked it up and played it. "I didn't know that. Thank you for telling me." I wanted to know every little thing about the girl I loved. Every detail.

"And, from what I know, you're the first guy she's ever fully put her trust in… as a boyfriend. She trusts me because Riley did. And it's a valid trust." His eyes continued to bore into me. Holy fuck. "If Riley were still around, he'd still be taking care of Isabella, as he always did. She wouldn't have gotten fucked around. I let them both down, not being there for her when she needed a surrogate big brother. I just couldn't cope…"

"It's completely understandable." I received a rapid flash of memories from him, of his own grief from losing his best friend. He was truly remorseful for leaving Bella on her own.

"If… if Riley were around now, he'd take the time to get to know you… for his sister's sake. If you're anything like she says, you would've been great friends. But he's gone. And so I'm here to tell you… don't fuck her up. She's a good girl. She deserves much better than she's had."

I started to stammer out a protest and agreement when Bella returned to the table.

"Jake! Are you bullying him? Don't do that! He's a good guy."

I smiled at her to ease her worry. "He's just looking out for you Bellybutton."

"Okay. Once! That's all you get! And now you may NEVER call me Bellybutton again." She spoke sternly, but her smile was loving. "We should go, yeah?"

"Thank you for sitting through that too," Bella said softly as we drove back to the hotel. "It must have been boring listening to us. And was Jake rude to you when I left? He had this guilt complex because he didn't stick around to protect me from all the evil boys. He's concerned you're another one. I did set him straight though."

"It was fine, Bella," I grinned at her. "I'm a big boy. I can take it."

"Mmm, you are." She snuggled up against me as we stopped at a traffic light. "Can we continue the story when we get in?"

Kissing the top of her head, I took hold of her hand as I pulled away from the light. "Maybe."

"If I behave?" she asked mockingly.

"If you behave." I laughed as I scolded her.

"I don't know Iceman… I'm really liking your new look. Well, your old look, technically. Your natural look. You're pretty hot."

"Behave Bella…"

She ran a hand through my hair and planted a kiss on my check before shifting back to her own side of the car. From there, she blew me another kiss and winked at me. I could only shake my head and laugh. She would so have me doing whatever she wanted me to… again.

"Where did we leave off?"

Bella had a soak in the tub when we got back, and dressed in my old shirt again before climbing in bed, anxiously awaiting the continuation of my story.

"The doctor saved him," she reminded me, a glint in her eye. "Do you have to sit way over there? I won't jump you."

I sighed with a grin and moved the chair back to the side of her bed.

"Isn't that chair uncomfortable?"

I shook my head. Stone on padded fabric… stone on any surface, could be neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. I would have been just as comfortable standing for the next hour, motionless or laying on a bed of nails.

"There's like, zero chance that you'll lay next to me for this, is there." She didn't phrase it as a question because she knew the answer.

I decided to throw her off, standing and leaping over her body to stretch out beside her. "Happy?"

"Ecstatic!" she beamed, turning on her side to face me.

"Mm-hmm. Just keep your thoughts clean and your hands to yourself."

"You can't control my thoughts!" she countered lightly.

I chuckled. No, I couldn't. But Jasper was another story… but you'll know that soon enough, my love.

"Are you sure you're okay Edward?" All teasing was gone from her voice. "You look tired. Your eyes are darker. Is there something you need?"

"I need you to be this observant all the time," I smiled at her gently. I had taken note of my eyes earlier on as well. She was right. But it was still manageable. "Do you want me to continue, or would you rather just go to sleep?"

"Continue please," she smiled at me, at ease from my calm response to her.

"Do you need a recap or clarification on anything before we begin?"

"Will you get upset if I interrupt with questions?"

"You can try," I replied with a grin.

"I'm good for now then."

I flexed my hands before folding them over my chest as I began my storytelling once more. "So the doctor holed up with his young patient for the next several days. He called into the hospital and told them he'd need an emergency leave…family related. He had never requested time off and the staff knew he was grieving the loss of his friends as well, so they told him to take what time he needed. What they didn't know was that the doctor's lifestyle had demanded he become a convincing liar, so they wouldn't know truth from fiction to begin with.

The initial 24 hours were crucial for his patient and he spent much of that time tortured with the thought that he had made the wrong choice; that he was killing the boy in a different, and more cruel way than the illness was doing itself. He was still very ill from the virus, and the cure was excruciating. The doctor suffered alongside the boy, hour by hour."

Bella held up her hand. "Can I ask…"

I nodded.

"Why was it so painful? I thought he'd prepared to take care of him at home. Didn't he have medication to help?"

"He had prepared. But it was very experimental. He had never attempted this before so he wasn't sure what the outcome would be. He had expected the boy to be in agony, but this illness he had was like no other and the doctor worried that he had gotten to him too late or that he had performed the procedure incorrectly. As I said, he had never done this before." I paused to grin at her. "It's complicated."

"I'll say! I take it he didn't have FDA approval for this procedure?"

I laughed in response. "Uh…no…"

"But he was dying anyway. And his mother asked the doctor to do this, right? She knew?"

"Um… she had an idea, I'd say."

"So even if the cure was experimental, it was his only hope."

I shrugged. "One way to look at it."

"And the other…?" She was completely caught up in this now.

"He was a guinea pig. A scientific experiment, of sorts."

Bella perched herself up on one elbow. "You're not saying the doctor's a bad guy!"

"Not bad…troubled. As I said, he was a thoroughly convincing liar, so his side of the tale is something altogether different. He, himself, had been tortured but found a salvation for himself. He came to terms with his own fate and accepted it, however, over the years, he became lonely. Bonding with this family and then losing them had made it worse. During those first few days, he questioned his own motives. Was he doing this for the family, as he'd been asked? Or was it purely selfish, to have someone of his own. His bond with the boy, having watched him grow up, was especially strong and he loved him as if he were his own son. So, as any parent would, he questioned if he was being selfish and should just let him die…"

"No! He shouldn't. He should help him, no matter. And if it helps the doctor too, it's a win/win."

I was a bit surprised by her immediate and determined stance on this. Nearly a century later, I was still debating that very thing.

"You said he watched him grow up? How old is the boy at this point?"

"17," I blurted. Damn. Perhaps I should have left that more vague.

"Old enough to make his own decision, but not healthy enough to do so."

"That's right," I smiled and placed an arm around her, drawing her near. "I'm so glad you're paying attention."

"So how long did the pain go on for?"

"In some ways, the pain still exists for him. But the initial pain, the burning inside, subsided after the third day. He began improving by the hour and the doctor was optimistic. All traces of his illness were gone."

"So, in the end it was worth it."

"Hmm. You think that's it? They lived happily ever after, end of story? I'm afraid there's much more to it, my love," I said softly. "The cure worked, yes. He was no longer ill – forever immune, in fact. But he faced other challenges of the cure. It was more than a year before he could function in his new form. You see, the cure changed him forever. There were many things he had to learn and adjust to. Acceptance was the hardest fought battle." I lost myself in my own thoughts briefly. Had I even accepted it at this point?

"What was the cure?"

"Huh?"

"The cure – what was it? How did it change him?"

I studied her eyes. Was she ready for this part? She seemed to be asking all the right questions and I sensed she was seeing the correlation between the story and what she thought she knew of me. Would this throw her off? "Venom." I decided to go with it. The truth.

I would give my love all the facts she needed to figure out the mystery and the space to make her own decision. I would give anything to make this unnecessary, but it was our reality. I hated myself for doing this to her. I wanted to give her all the things a normal man would… my strength and guidance, my security and comfort… my heart. If I still possessed a soul, it would belong to her. My Bella.

And I gave you my dream of the world and we stood on the quay
And we sang to the wind in the whole darkening sea
And I feel my weight and I guard my soul
And I found my beliefs when I found my control
I gave you my hand and my soul on the earth
And I gave up on the truth when I heard about the worst
So I lived out of love when I gave it away
And I sold off my soul when there's no one to pay…
(Ocean Colour Scene)

A/N ~ In response to those wondering, YES! This Edward will do anything his Bella asks of him. ;) Stick with me. ~ SR