This Is How I Disappear

Can you hear me cry out to you?
Words I thought I'd choke on figure out
I'm really not so with you anymore
I'm just a ghost,
So I can't hurt you anymore
So I can't hurt you anymore…

"You are not sending me to bed again, Edward Cullen. I've slept more since we've been here than I have in a month." Bella voiced her opinion on my offer to draw her a bath and get her bed ready. It was the middle of the night, after all. "In fact, I'll only sleep again once I see you asleep."

Long time waiting on that one, honey. "You'll regret this day/night flip around when you have to go back to school," I reminded her instead of voicing my thoughts.

Shrugging, she kicked off her shoes and made herself comfortable on the couch. "I'm not tired. You could finish your story."

"Or you could eat… are you hungry? There's a 24 hour store, I noticed on the way home…" We were getting to the intense part of my story, could she handle that after a day that was already so emotionally draining?

She stared at me stoically. "I'm fine. Come sit with me and tell me a story."

"Hmm. Okay. Do you know the one about the girl who lived with all those dwarves… kinda creepy, but a classic, I suppose."

Bella swatted my arm and pulled me closer. "I don't give a shit about Snow White."

"I love your spirit." I took a seat at the other end, pulling her feet up on my lap and massaged them.

"Just tell your story." She rolled her eyes, but moaned as I hit a tender spot and then sighed as I got the knot worked out. "You were about to tell me about how the boy was different."

"Your stubbornness and impatience is another story…"

"Mm-hmm. Tell your story."

"Thirsty? There's a Coke in the fridge. I can make you a tea."

"Procrastinator," she teased me as she dug her toes into my stone ribs. "Ouch! Okay, I bent my toe right back…" She was giggling but I didn't see the humour in it. My body could seriously damage hers and she didn't seem to care. Would she care after she knew my whole story? After she figured out my truth?

She certainly was determined to get it out of me, so I figured she was ready. Whether or not she would accept it and cope, was a different matter altogether. Sighing, I leaned my head back against the couch and closed my eyes. "So, as I told you, when the venom entered the boy's body, it altered everything in its path. In essence, it froze his body."

"You told me it burned," she interjected.

I grinned, realizing she had recalled the details so far. "I did, you're right. Initially, it felt like it was burning him from the inside out. By freezing him, I mean it prohibited any further change – growth – what have you. He would always be as he was on his final day of… normal life." I waited for a comment.

She reached for a Coke she had stashed by her seat that I hadn't even seen and popped it open. Then she held her foot up for more attention. Rubbing it gently, I continued.

"His appearance didn't change drastically, to the eye. And it wouldn't from then on. There were physical changes, yes, but nothing so obvious a person would run from him, just seeing him from a distance. If that person were to touch him, however… they'd know he was something entirely different. It wasn't an issue for the boy, as he had no contact with anyone aside from the doctor for a long time. He was undergoing so many internal changes that it was impossible for him to go out; or for the doctor to leave him alone."

"He couldn't go out anyway. He was supposed to be dead, right?"

"That's right. When he was strong enough, the doctor packed them up and moved them to a new location; creating a new life for them as father and son, in a place where people would only know them as such. The boy had not adjusted to his new life enough to be fully immersed in the community, so the doctor home-schooled him. Teaching him not only what he was missing in classes, but what he would need to know in order to survive in his new world along with how to behave in front of others. It was well over a year before the boy could handle that."

Bella reached behind and flicked off the lamp, then switched herself around so that her head was now in my lap. She looked up at me, gentle love in her eyes. "How was he different inside?"

"Inside… oh, it's tough to describe. In some ways, he felt exactly the same as he always had. He still had a love for music, art, literature and he longed for the parents he'd lost. Though he did grow to love his adoptive father every bit as much. The problem is, he was changed at an awkward time… not really a child, but not yet a man. All the things a boy would feel at that stage in his life, he still felt – would always feel. And it was intensified. When he mourned his family, he desperately wanted to die and he hated the doctor for taking that option from him."

"No…" Bella said softly. "He did it out of love."

"But the boy, in his intense sorrow, couldn't see that, Bella. When that emotion passed, he could feel gratitude. Remember, they had bonded before the change so the boy's fondness for him was always there, and now, as with everything, it was stronger. Bella, think of how you are – how you feel. Now imagine everything; the joy, the sadness, the anger or frustration all amplified 1000 times."

She made a face. "I can barely handle me as it is… I feel bad for him."

"With his new heightened sensations it was difficult, to say the least, to control his emotions. That was a major part of his tutorials with the doctor. Though even he couldn't fully empathize, as he was past his teenaged years when he, himself was changed. He had lived and experienced and matured enough to be more in control. Think about how angry you were with your mom when you ran… imagine that 1000 MORE? Anger, very quickly, becomes rage and that was particularly important for him to learn how to manage. It was now part of his genetic make-up, so it was the most difficult to control, but impossible to live in any society if he didn't."

"He could live in New York," she quipped.

"Smartass. Are we done?"

"No! Edward, I'll shut up, I swear!"

I examined her face in my lap, stroking her hair. She should be seeing the connection with the rage thing, yet she still gazed up at me adoringly; as if I could never rage against her. As if I never had. "I think we could use a short break."

"Oh. I have to move…" she grumbled as she started to get up.

I held her against me. "You don't have to," I whispered, my breath icy cold against her neck.

She flushed and shivered simultaneously. "Edward…" Her hands moved up to hold my face and she pressed her forehead against mine. Cradling her head, I turned mine slightly to let our lips meet and we slow kissed for the first time since our reunion. I broke it off as I chuckled, thinking of teenaged horniness amplified by a 1000. That's what I was experiencing.

"Alright. I think we need a break from this as well." I moved her off my lap gently, setting her beside me. "We need to make a decision. Well, you do."

"I want you. There, decision made." She attempted to make out like she was joking, but she was dead serious. She was also perfectly content to sit together, holding hands as we were. She was trying so hard to lessen any pressure on me. It made me love her all the more. "Okay, what do we have to decide?"

"Well, we should be going home tomorrow, according to our original plans. But that's going to be an issue for me… I'm sorry…"

"You are sick. I knew it! Edward, tell me what we need to do! Should we call Carlisle?"

"No no no. Honey, relax. It's nothing I can't handle for now." I leaned over to give her forehead a soft kiss. "But it will be an issue soon enough. We can either leave right now and drive through the night, or I can…" I would need to feed soon. Very soon.

"I don't want to leave yet. I feel like there's more that we have to cover before we go home," she replied softly.

I nodded my agreement. "I feel the same. So you want to stay another day?"

"At least!" she grinned at me. "But only if you're alright."

I kissed her softly once more before standing up. "Bella, I have to leave you here, just for a little while. There's something… I have to… "

She nodded her head, standing in front of me. "Just do what you have to and come back to me Iceman."

As I drove north, to the nearest wooded area I was aware of, I wondered how the easiest girl in the world to love could possibly love me. How had someone not loved her so much she wouldn't have even noticed me? And how could I draw out the kind of love she had to give? All the intensity of the love I had for her months earlier was now amplified again. 1000 times. If I lost her now, by giving her what she wanted and deserved – the truth – I would have nothing. There would be nothing for me in this world. I would live the rest of my immortal existence as a ghost of an immortal. An empty, granite shell.

Bella looked up anxiously when I returned and then ran into my arms when she saw my smile.

"You were afraid I wouldn't come back," I stated softly. "Honey, I told you I would."

Nodding, sniffling through tears, she placed a dozen tiny kisses on my chest as she held onto me as tightly as she could. "I believe you now. Before…I wanted to believe; now I'm sure. You're feeling better." She traced a fingertip along my cheekbone. The darkness was fading rapidly now that I was fed. Taking me by the hand, she led me over to the couch and curled up beside me. "I called my mom."

"Bella!" Smiling, I took both of her hands and brought them to my lips. I had wanted to encourage her to do that all day, but was reluctant to push her in any direction. "I'm so glad you spoke with her. Everything okay?"

She chuckled, still teary and nodded. "She wasn't even too pissed about the time of the call. I woke her…but she honestly seemed happy that I did. We talked for an hour. She's in love with you again – just so you know." Her elbow gave me a playful jab.

"I'm more concerned about her daughter's feelings."

"More than ever." She stared into my eyes with such intensity, a warm spread through me. "Jake called her last night. He told her I was handling things very well and that you were taking care of me. She trusts him – more than me, probably."

I shook my head. "She trusts you, Bella. I think we've both determined that running away isn't the solution for us, but in regards to your mother… it made her see how much you've grown up. She trusts your choices. All she wants is for you to be healthy and happy. Renee loves you so very much." Grateful for the opening, as Renee was the one human who Bella would have any regrets leaving behind should she decide to stay with me eternally, I needed her to know that her mother would indeed miss her.

I had obtained many thoughts from Renee during that brief meeting the night I returned. I wished Bella could have that same benefit; seeing how much her mother truly loved her. "She never wished you were taken instead of Riley; to her, you were both her life. She only has you now, Bella and she wants you to have everything she wished for both her children. Do you understand? When a parent loses a child, they feel like they've failed; they've somehow let that child down. Renee certainly feels like she let you down as well, but she didn't know how to make that right. She is 100% on your side, Bella. She loves you so very much."

Slow tears flowed from her eyes as she listened. My words were reinforcing what she'd left her own conversation with her mother feeling. Today, she was understanding Renee. And forgiving her. "My mom deserves to be happy too. The same things she wants for me… I wish for her. God… I can't imagine what it would be like to be in her shoes; waking up every day and remembering that a person she gave life to is gone and the other is miserable. This isn't the life she wanted for herself, or us." She wiped at her tears and gave me another of those intense looks. "When I'm with you, I'm able to forget the pain and sadness. She told me she wants that for me – she approves of our reunion. But it makes me sad that she doesn't have that. Phil doesn't give her any breaks from her grief; he adds to it."

"You can't live her life for her, Bella. She has to find her own way through it, but I think seeing you making strides towards the life she wanted for you is helping her along too." I paused, considering how to segue into her thinking about the future she wanted. "What do you want, Bella? How do you see yourself in 20 years?"

She giggled, shaking her head. "I can't even see myself after high school… I don't know Edward. There is no specific layout I have for my life, not anymore, and I have no idea if there is some greater force that has an idea for me. What I do know is that the only time I feel right is when we're together. I don't feel like I'm alone in this world. I don't feel like a freak. I don't feel like I want to exit this world and enter blackness forever."

"You don't believe in life after death? You think there would be nothing more for you, when this life ends?" I believed that she would be rewarded greatly for her kindness and purity in life, but it didn't surprise me that she didn't have that vision.

"Not for me. I think I have one chance to find the happiness I want forever and if I fuck it up, game over. Blackness."

She spoke the truth. This was how her mind worked; it all made sense to me now. The grey clouds I had been bewildered by initially were enhanced by the drugs she was given, but not exclusive to it. The grey in her mind was her blanking out anything that hurt. The pain was sectioned off behind a grey wall, as I saw it now. She could wilfully put any thoughts she didn't want known, even to herself, behind this wall and to her, at the end of life, the grey would turn to black. Game over, as she put it. Eternal blackness.

Fuck.

I was torn between a deep sadness that she didn't see a brighter future for herself, but elation with the view that if she did opt to become one of us, she'd never see that blackness. I held her face tenderly while placing a soft kiss on her lips.

"Bella, I'd like to continue with my story… if you're up for it."

She gave me a kiss and nodded eagerly. "I love listening to your voice. Tell me everything."

She stretched out and laid her head in my lap again. I stroked her hair as I began.

"Once they were settled in their new location and the tutoring was coming along, their bond was unbreakable. It didn't seem that one could survive without the other. The doctor was pleased with the success of his experiment, but seeing how it felt to have an honest relationship with another being, he was overcome with the desire for a different sort of relationship. He loved his new son, but he desired a wife – and a mother for the boy. It wasn't long before the opportunity presented itself. A young woman was brought into the hospital he now worked at, her body completely broken. She had lost a child… her baby… and was so distraught that she had thrown herself off a cliff."

I gazed down at her and she nodded to encourage me to keep going.

"Now, he knew that he succeeding in saving the boy from illness, but could he do the same for a mortally damaged body? He risked all and… he saved her as well. He had the boy to help him with the adjustments afterwards this time. They took turns at her side, their affection for her deepening each day as she overcame the initial pain and the training began for her new way of life. She didn't struggle with it as they had. She was amazing; so gentle and kind – a born nurturer. She fell deeply in love with her new family at once."

Bella smiled up at me. "The boy has his family back."

"Yes, and he adored them. However, his struggles were not over. He was often overcome by a deep sadness; a longing for his old life. He continued to battle his rage, provoked so easily. And now, a new struggle as he watched his parents so happy together, so in love. The physical urges of a teenaged boy…"

"Amplified!" Bella added.

"Incredibly so. But it terrified him. The thoughts he had, the desires, were not just those of a teenaged boy. They were coupled with rage, always. And… hunger… for more, I suppose. It repulsed him so much that he vowed to never touch a woman. Feeling that if he forever denied himself, he would overcome the lust that tortured him. He became very strong, able to resist any and all urges for a woman.

Misunderstanding his solitude for loneliness, his parents gave him a gift one day. Wanting so much for their son to have the kind of complete happiness they had with each other, a girl was saved and offered to him."

"Jeez, pimp daddy!" Bella giggled.

"The boy didn't find it amusing," I stated. "Nor the least bit appealing. He rejected every attempt for a physical relationship, though he appreciated her company otherwise. They became brother and sister rather than lovers." I ran my fingers through her hair, watching her face closely.

"Why are you stopping?"

"Just taking a break. Thinking."

"Ad-libs not coming so easily?" she teased.

"Are you paying close attention, Bella? Are you listening…thinking?"

She frowned. "Of course."

"Any questions for me?"

She hesitated and then posed a story question. "Did the sister have the same troubles as the boy or did she adjust easily like the mother?"

Drawn back into my story, I replied to her inquiry. "Ugh. The sister, in many ways, suffered worse. Do you remember what I said about being frozen in your last state?"

"Yeah, the boy was still the same, only more angsty. The mother… oh! She loved her new family so much because of her deep love for her old one. Am I right?"

I brushed my hand across her cheek as I smiled down at her. "You're doing great. The sister, well her life was different from the others. She had a life filled with greed and envyand horrible pain at the end. The end was tragic, no question…"

"What happened to her?" Bella's voice was very soft with concern.

"She was raped, beaten and left to die in the street. By the very man she loved."

"Oh my god…"

"She carried that pain. The bitterness. The hatred… all of it into her new form."

"She must be horrible!"

"No. Just lost. Misunderstood. Inside, she was sweet and loving. She didn't deserve what had happened to her in life. It's what made her bitter. There were times the boy could see through her pain and he appreciated the good inside her. She kept the façade of a very tough chick who could take on the world, but on occasion, she let the boy, and only the boy, see her true self. Her love for him grew when she saw that he could see through her and she accepted that the one good thing to come of it all was a brother who honestly loved her for who she was."

"I get that. I identify with her, totally. That's the best feeling in the world. Well…almost the best. It's even better when the man you love accepts you just the same."

I bent to kiss her forehead. Yes, she and Rose did have similarities. So many similarities. "She would agree. Once she discovered and accepted sibling love, her heart was captured by another. She found her true love and knew it was meant to be him all along."

"Love at first sight."

"And then some!" I winked. "She wanted this man like nothing she'd ever wanted before. She begged the doctor to save him, for her. He did, of course, and the boy got a new brother and his sister gained her mate."

"And he got lonely again." Bella whispered, feeling the pain of this boy in my story.

"Lonely. Confused. Rebellious. He rejected his family and their ways…"

"Oh no!"

"He left them behind to try to find his own way after causing them too much strife…putting them in danger. He felt there was no other way. Nature was commanding him and he was too weak to fight it anymore."

Bella frowned. "That doesn't sound like him… giving up like that. Something happened."

I nodded, avoiding her eyes. I didn't want to talk about this part. It was the worst time of my elongated life and the portion of life in which I'd lost any soul that I may have retained since I'd become undead. Even if she could accept the outrageousness of my reality as a member of a coven of vampires, I dreaded her knowing what I was capable of; what I'd done. I couldn't forgive myself, how could she accept this part of me? It was wrong to ask that of her, but she needed to know.

"He fucked up."

There're things that I have done
You never should ever know
And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now
And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now…

(My Chemical Romance)

A/N ~ I'd like to point out that Bella is not being dense or clueless as she listens to his story. She's dealing with a lot and it's muddled, but she's working through it behind her wall. She's always known there was a story behind Edward, but sometimes denial is a crutch that's difficult to give up. ~ SR