What I've Done

Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty…

"These other…" Bella stopped herself. "They're not like you, are they."

"You have to get used to it Bella. We're vampires. Use the word here, now – while you can. Once we go home, you can never say a word to anyone about what you know."

"I won't!" Her eyes grew wide and she grasped my hand. "Edward, you can trust me with anything."

Smiling warmly at her, I pulled her hand up to kiss it. "I know that. As for the other vampires, the ones not in our coven or the Denali coven in Alaska…"

Her hand flew up to her mouth. "Them too?"

"Yes. But the others are nothing like us. Nothing. They are killers, flat out. They would never understand this relationship we've had. Bella, this is deadly serious – you have to know that no human can know about our existence. We are sworn to keep that from any and all."

"And if they find out I know?"

"They'll… you… " I looked away in shame. "You won't be a problem to my kind. They'll make damn sure of that."

"They'd kill me?"

"Or worse." I stared into her eyes. "Bella, there's no way to make this sound like it's not so bad. If we're discovered, the Volturi – those are our governors – they'll do one of three things… kill both of us, kill you and my family to teach me a lesson, or they'll take you themselves. End of story."

"I thought you couldn't die!"

"Not by human hands, or weapons, no. Vampires can, however, and do… kill other vampires."

"But how?" She was astonished by this bit of information. "If they're so fucking set on protecting themselves, how could they kill their own kind?"

"Because vampires are cold, heartless monsters with no morals and no remorse. Vampires live for one thing and one thing only; themselves. They are selfish and cruel and greedy beyond belief."

"Edward! You're not any of that!"

"Aren't I? I wanted you, Bella. More than any vampire desires blood, I desired you. And now, I have you. I've effectively ended the life you knew and you don't call that cruel and selfish? And greedy! I had you… I could've left you alone, without knowing the truth but I wanted more. And so, here we are."

Her lip quivered as she looked away from my gaze. "I'm just as greedy because I still want you. Even though I know … your truth… I still want you, Iceman." Her arms enveloped my waist and she held onto me for dear life. "I still want you."

I loosened her grip on me enough to bend and scoop her up into my arms. Kissing her lips softly at first, my hunger grew and our kiss deepened. Her arms went around my shoulders and her fingers grasped at my hair, returning my kiss with the lost months' passion. I carried her into the bedroom, our lips never parting, and laid her down. A soft moan escaped her as I ended our kiss.

"Do you feel that?" I asked against her cheek.

"Hmm-nn-huh? Feel what? What am I feeling for?"

I stroked her cheek. "The effects of my venom."

She sat up a little. "No. I feel the effects of your kiss. Like always."

"Venom, Bella. It's a tool. It's alluring to our prey, makes them give into us. We would take and kill whatever we wanted anyway, but it's more appealing if they don't fight it. You've never fought it."

"Because I want you."

"You should have – the first time. But you were used to my touch, the coldness of my skin. I was amazed that you never reacted. Never. Why? What made you look past my obvious differences and begin to love me? What made you stay when more and more odd behaviour came through? And you never told your mother about that night together; the night I almost killed you. Why?"

"Because I only see you, Edward. And I love you. I didn't tell my mother because that was something intimate, only for us. That was the first time I'd ever been made love to during sex, if that makes sense. Regardless of what you thought you were capable of… what the… the vampire in you wanted to do – you made love to me. If I told Renee, she'd think it was like the others and it wasn't. It was nothing like them. You're different, not only because of what you are, but because you love me like no one ever has. That's why. That's how."

I stared at her with an intensity that would make anyone else freak out. She stared back; with warmth and love. "Bella, you need to know everything before you can pledge your love to me this way. You only know part of me. The part I wanted you to see."

"Tell me then. I can hear anything you have to say. I'm ready for it."

I moved away from her, as I was certain she wouldn't want me near soon enough. "My venom… it's my lifeline, so to speak. It acts as the blood it replaced in my body – but, like blood; it needs nourishment. It needs to be fed. Blood is the only thing that feeds the venom."

"And if you don't feed the venom…?"

"The thirst takes control and the beast in me will take whatever comes by. Believe me, I've tried to go without. It's pointless. And the thirstier I am, the more my vampire ways take command… I'm more likely to slip."

"Slip?"

I took a deep, unnecessary breath. "My family has pact with ourselves, to never feed on humans. When the thirst is controlling us, there have been times when a few of us have slipped and broken that pact."

Her eyes flashed away and back, very quickly. She knew I had been one of the few. "When?" she asked softly. "Was it when you rebelled?"

I nodded, now wishing like hell that I had put this in my story. It would be much easier to tell is as a character than to make a full confession of my sins openly this way. "There was a girl; a neighbour… we went to the same school…"

"You liked her."

"No. I desired her. Different things altogether. She made the mistake of smiling at me across the fence one day when I was underfed and lacked willpower. Bella, this is the other function of my venom… it attracts prey and traps them. As we are practiced liars and con artists, we can pour on the charm towards unsuspecting humans. Once close, the scent of our venom lures them. They're attracted, like bees to pollen. Once they taste it, they lose all of their own sense… they don't know to run, they don't know to scream bloody murder… and they don't know that none of that would do a damned thing anyway. There is no human who could fight off any vampire who's determined to taste them."

"You tasted her," Bella stated in a whisper. She envisioned our love-making.

"No… no. She got frightened off. She was smarter than she appeared and something registered with her that I was not right. She got away – at that point. And then she avoided me. This angered me. She was the only girl who didn't speak about me with the others in a mean way. And she had smiled at me. Once. Now she was just like the others; worse, because I had that desire for her." I stopped my speech and sat upright so I wouldn't see her face.

"There was a school trip. A nature trip. We Cullens didn't go, of course, but I sought their camp out and when she left her tent in the middle of the night… alone… I was waiting for her. She was my first human prey. I followed her, snuck up on her, intending to get my first taste. She fled but stumbled over a fallen branch. Her head struck a rock. There was blood… the scent drove me into a frenzy and instinct took over. I drank from her and then I panicked. I couldn't be discovered… so I finished… her blood. I made it look like she had fallen into a nearby lake. My family moved before the body was discovered. Carlisle had been offered a wonderful position in the mountains so… No one questioned the move. No one considered me a suspect. Besides, I hadn't even been on the trip. I was at home, ill."

I waited for a response; a reaction of any sort, but nothing came.

"Initially, I was repulsed by the entire event. I hated myself for giving in, for disappointing my family, for killing an innocent human… but I had the taste and thereafter, human scents were more appealing to me. I found it harder and harder to deny my cravings. Emmett prevented my second attack on an innocent and we moved again. She had touched me and screamed in horror. She would tell. So we disappeared. And then I disappeared. I couldn't cope with any of it and I needed to be as far away from those I loved so as not to hurt them when I caved completely."

"Where did you go?" she asked in a whisper.

"Everywhere. Nowhere. I wandered, never staying in any one place more than a day or two. It was my first conscious attempt at starving myself. I thought if I didn't have any blood at all, I would either cure myself of the craving, or die. Neither is true. The craving increases and well… I can't fucking die." The familiar lump formed in my throat and I had to break until it eased.

"I don't even know where I was when my thirst became intolerable. But I found myself on a dimly-lit street, following a woman as she quickly raced up the sidewalk. Her shoes made a rapid clicking sound. The chain on her bag jingled. Her breathing was rapid and loud. She was frightened. It made her blood flow. It made me unable to resist it. She didn't even hear me come up behind her. She didn't sense me as she turned into an alleyway and stood under a lamppost. She was digging in her bag, I assume for keys or a weapon of some sort. She was very frightened. I waited in a darkened doorway; all human morals, thoughts, feelings – gone. I was a vampire, revelling in the hunt. Another dark figure appeared at the opposite end of the alleyway and he called out to her. She screamed, but no one heard. He outran her and tackled her to the ground. Lifting her skirt with one hand, and ripping open her blouse with the other, it was evident what he had in mind. She screamed on and on. A tortured, pleading wail and no one heard."

Another break for the lump to clear. I felt Bella's hand pass over my back and squeeze my shoulder. I sucked in a breath as she hugged me from behind and placed a very soft kiss on my neck.

"In my mind, she was Rosalie. This woman, begging for help. Even though I had been her intended attacker, watching it mortified me. Disgusted me. Angered me. My rage has always been the most difficult thing to overcome. I realize now that it is even stronger than my thirst. I no longer desired the woman's blood. I wanted revenge for her. For Rosalie. I flew out of my hiding place and ripped him off of her, yelling for her to run. She did. One shoe had fallen off and I still hear the uneven clicking of her running away. By the time she reached the end of the alleyway, I had snapped his neck. He was dead when she turned to look back. She held a hand over her heart and kissed her fingers before waving to me. And then I drank."

"You saved her."

"I killed him."

"Was his life more important than hers?" she asked gently. "She thanked you. You did the right thing."

"Did I? I took one life over another. I'm no hero, Bella. Simply a monster in the right place at the wrong time. That woman would have died if she hadn't been attacked by that man… by my hand."

"But you didn't. You stopped, Edward. Even then, you stopped in time."

"That wasn't the end of it. The feeding quenched my thirst, but not my rage. It wasn't enough to clear out the images Rosalie had given me. I knew her anguish… and that of every woman who was ever touched in a way they didn't want. It infuriated me and I sought out rapists and the like to avenge those women. Don't say I was saving them… I am NOT a hero! I had no right to be their judge… to determine and act out their fate. Don't tell me I did the right thing. I killed people… there's no going back after that. There's no way to erase it or appeal it. I sealed my own fate in killing them."

"Baby… oh, don't… Edward, you are good… I've seen it. You didn't choose to be what you are, but you've made the best of it, however you can. You have done your time… and you need to forgive yourself. I forgive you, Edward. I forgive you. "

I closed my eyes as she comforted me. My Bella. I had told her the worst and she still stood by me. Still saw only good in me. There should never be blackness for my angelic Bella. Her soul was pure whereas mine was gone. No matter what she decided, her fate would be filled with the happiness she deserved.

I laid with Bella while she finally gave in to sleep and when she woke, her first thoughts were filled with vampire wonder. I readied myself for another session of Vamp 101: Preparedness.

"It's not like you think it is," I murmured to her.

Her head snapped around. "What do I think?"

"The killings. The change. You're romanticizing it. The girl… it started as a sexual thing, and I was aroused while I drank, but I didn't have sex with her. I didn't murmur sweet nothings and take her life as she came. And the men, I killed even before I fed. So you can forget the image you have of me swooping in, making love to you and making you mine for eternity."

'What the fuck? How did he know?' She stared at me incredulously.

What the fuck, indeed. Of all the things… THIS would be the thing that freaked her out? Seriously?

"I just know," I replied to her silent question.

'What? How… What the FUCK! He's always done this to me… it's like he KNOWS what I'm… holy fuck…' "Holy fuck! Edward! Do you…"

"Yes. I know what you're thinking."

'Oh my fucking god. Oh shit… what have I… SHIT!' "You read my fucking MIND? Are you kidding me? Does your whole family?"

"No. Just me. And not everything. If I try really hard, I can block you out. And you're quite effective with blocking a lot of shit from me; even stuff I want to know. I'm sorry… it's another thing with the vampire shit… I can't stop it. I don't want it but I can't make it go away. I'm really sorry."

'So I don't even have to speak to you.'

"I'd prefer if you did. I love the sound of your voice. And it's unfair to the others who can't read you. I know it drives Jasper nuts when I have one-sided conversations. He's the most vocal about it."

"Jesus Christ Edward! That's really intrusive! I mean, it's worse than me reading your journals!"

"I know. But as I said, it's not a choice. You chose to read my very personal musings," I teased. "Besides, you don't have any thoughts to hide, whereas I have a lifetime of lies to cover up. Why do you think I know I can trust you with this? I know your mind as well as your heart, Bella. Both have made me fall deeply, irrevocably… in love with you."

"Iceman…" She snuggled against me, kissing my chest.

"I've needed to know what your thoughts were these past few days, but I will try my very best from now on to give you privacy, okay?"

'Thank you… you're my whole world…'

"And you, mine."

"You said you'd stop!" She glared at me playfully.

"I said I'd try!"

An unexpected storm moved in late in the afternoon so I took advantage of the darkened sky and the privacy to give Bella a demonstration. Alone in the park, I approached a climbing structure. One of the bars had been badly dented. I straightened it with one hand. Bella raised an eyebrow, interested, but not impressed. Darting to the tree she stood under, I swiftly climbed the wet trunk and broke off a branch. I then tossed it away from where she stood and jumped down.

"It's not deadwood. It's not rotted and soft. Go see for yourself."

She approached the branch at its thinner end and tried to break it. She failed. Working towards her, from the thicker end, I broke it easily in foot long pieces.

"Handy for gathering firewood," she smirked.

"Also handy for snapping a neck or a spine, a limb… Another vampire wouldn't waste his strength on a tree, Bella."

"That's why I'm with this vampire."

Not amused by her smug grin, I offered her a sharp piece of glass that I found by the garbage can. "Try to hurt me."

"No way…"

"Just do it. Cut me. Stab me."

"Edward! I… I can't!"

Holding her wrist, I forced the glass into her hand and then drew it across my other arm. The skin opened up, venom oozed out; dripped down and fell to the ground. Her eyes widened as she registered that my veins truly did carry venom and not blood. She needed the visual proof. They widened even more and she grinned as she watched the wound closing itself and healing before our eyes.

"What else can you do?" There was excitement on her face, in her voice. She was enthralled with the demonstration.

I disappeared from her sight and then re-appeared silently behind her. She jumped when I whispered her name into her ear.

"You can vanish?" This seemed to impress her to.

"No. I'm simply that fast." I moved again to demonstrate as she watched closely. "This is why you could never escape me. No human could outrun me or any other vampire. Do you understand what you're dealing with now?"

Nodding, she finally had a touch of apprehension. "Edward… what are we going to do? If I can't know, but I do… and I can't escape the others…"

I approached her, gently taking her into my arms as she shivered in the rain. "Let's go back to the room. We'll talk some more. I'll explain our options."

She sat next to me, her legs curled up under herself so she could be near me, but see me as well. She was anxious to hear what our future could hold.

"This is entirely your decision, Bella. Whatever you choose, I'll go along with. None of us were given the choice, but it's yours to make."

She gave me a soft kiss on the cheek, appreciating that she was finally in control. "Go on."

"Option 1: You can leave. Or tell me to. I trust you not to tell our secret, you can carry on and forget you ever knew us or knew of me."

"Scrap that one. It sucks."

"A vampire joke?" I cocked an eyebrow and grinned. "Really Bella? You and Emmett will have so much fun together. He loves cracking on vampires."

"See? I'm suited to be in your life. I fit into your family, so clearly Option 1 is out. Next?"

"We could run. You and I on our own."

"Better… more details please."

"We'd have to keep moving and avoid drawing attention to ourselves. If the Volturi get word that I'm travelling with a human, they'll track us."

"So we keep moving, like you said."

I shook my head. "You don't understand. I'm not the only one with special abilities. There are some who's ability is to locate others of our kind. The Volturi use them as trackers. They will find us."

"And then…?"

"Like I told you earlier, they'll correct my mistake."

"By eliminating me from your life, etc."

"Exactly. So we'd have to be vigilant in staying discreet. Fly under the radar. Even then, there's no guarantee that they wouldn't seek us out. My family draws their attention simply because we choose to live differently. They do random checks on us to see how large our coven is – they don't understand our ways. It makes them paranoid. They suspect we're planning to overtake their reign."

"When you just want to be left on your own," she said with gentle understanding.

"Yes." I smiled warmly back at her. "I'd be very happy to live my life alone with you without their interference."

"Is there another option? One that would be safer for all of us? I don't want your family in danger because of me. Lying vampires or not, they've been awesome to me and I really care about them."

"That's our last option… joining our coven."

I had dread and hope intertwined in this option. The thought of condemning myself further by taking another human life… worse, making her a freak of nature, as I was… was not something I relished partaking in. There was enough blood on my hands; on my conscience. The fact that I loved this human more than I ever dreamed possible made that even worse. I'd have no chance for redemption, though it was slim even now, if I took her human life away. I should love her enough to not make her suffer as the rest of my family did.

The selfish nature of my immortal self, however, dreamed of living eternity with the kind of love, passion and devotion we felt for each other. She said she was happiest when we were together. Would making her happy for eternity be my saving grace? I would live every day doing anything that pleased her. I would love her; cherish her… every second of every day. By far, a better choice than Option 1, but more damning.

In the end, it wouldn't be my doing. It was up to Bella to decide her fate. She forgave me the sins I had committed through instinct. It was time to begin forgiving myself and doing everything I could to make Bella's life what she wanted. Bella = my life. And another new beginning.

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done…

(Linkin Park)