Chapter 17

Concessions

(Ziva's POV)

The doors open and Gibbs storms out, walks towards the stairwell and barks, "Let's go." Tony shrugs at me then follows.

When we reach the ground floor Gibbs opens the door, looks at Tony and says, "Not you. Go back to your desk and do whatever McGee tells you to."

As I follow Gibbs out of the stairwell I hear, "Yes, Boss." As the stairwell doors close on him.

We walk outside and turn towards the park. I am unsettled since most significant conversations with Gibbs tend to happen in the elevator or his basement. I have been on countless unpredictable missions, yet this whole day is uncharted territory for me. When we enter the park he leads me to an isolated picnic table and we sit opposite each other.

His eyes are still determined but gentle. He hesitates then lightly places his hand over mine.

"Ziver, you have nothin' to prove to anyone. Let Tony take you home and you can come back on Monday."

I am not unaffected, but I shake my head, "Gibbs, you have gone to great lengths to save and protect me, but this is something I must do. If I help catch this killer, I will be satisfied knowing that I did something to save other women from the same fate I suffered. Please, Gibbs, you, Tony and McGee will be watching me like eagles and I will agree to back off if you feel that I become a hindrance to the investigation."

I try to continue sensibly, but I cannot keep passion from my words. The tremors threaten to return, and I know his fingers register this betrayal.

"Gibbs, I need to be useful and I have no boat to build out of frustration. I need to work or I will sit at home and wallow in self-pity. I cannot promise that I will never be uneasy at a crime scene, that my hands will never shake," I stretch the fingers on my free hand for emphasis, "or that I will not be a burden to any of you, but I need to press through this."

I know he understands the need to feel constructive to counter times of helplessness. He turns his head slightly and presses his lips together. He looks back at me, and I see he is conflicted. He continues, also not unaffected, "Ziva, you can be difficult and obstinate at times, and if my hair was not already this color I'm pretty sure you would have given me more gray hairs than all my other agents combined, but you've never been a burden. A burden is not worth the worry. You are. You scared us half to death yesterday. It can never get that bad again. Do you understand? DiNozzo and McGee were on edge, beating themselves up for not protecting you. We didn't go to a terrorist camp in Africa to save a coworker, Ziva, that risk is only worth it for someone who is truly valuable."

I wipe a reluctant tear away. First Ducky calls me precious and now this. I do not like how this is affecting me. I have not earned these sentiments. They feel foreign and misdirected; they need to be because if I start believing them, who will I become? I have always held affection at a distance, always considered it as potential for manipulation, but now there is this man in front of me and in him I see no pretense.

Another tear falls and I wipe it away with an unsteady hand.

"Ducky cleared you to come back,and Tony seems to think that you told him enough. That tells me you're still willing to follow orders and it will get you out of another official psych evaluation - for now. However, I am not gonna let you work on this case unsupervised, it's too close to home. I will be watching you, Tony will be watching you, and you can bet that McGee will have both his eyes on you. You are not to be alone whether at your desk or in the head, I don't care. You will back off when any one of us tells you to, or else you'll be stuck at home with Tony again and I'll guarantee it will not be musicals this time."

"Of course. Thank you, Gibbs." I start to get up but he encloses my hand firmly in his to stop me.

"We are not done. Sit. There will be extra rules for you during this case."

This must be where the other boot drops.

He crosses his arms, showing authority in the face of defeat, I suppose. "First, you will only work five hours a day. You didn't take enough time off when you returned from Africa so you'll take some now. Ducky made it clear that you need to take it easy, so that is not negotiable."

I am feeling like a scolded child, yet I never felt such concern motivating Eli's lectures. Gibbs has earned my respect and loyalty so I do not resent his condescension. "Second, you will NOT look at any of the crime scene photos. We will process more sensitive evidence when you're not around. Third you will NOT be present at any interrogations. I do not want to be worried about how you're reactin' while I'm pressing a suspect. Fourth, and this one will stay in effect even after this case. You will tell me if anything makes you nervous at a crime scene. No more acting tough. You are human just like the rest of us, and it's about time you started acting like it. I will not let you risk your health for the sake of pride. Finally, today you will talk to Abby and McGee and tell them the rules I have set up for you, along with your fear of dark enclosed rooms and anything else we need to know. That will be your only mission for today then Tony will take you home and you can both start back tomorrow at noon. By the looks of him I'd say he needs some extra down time as much as you do."

Aha, he took the stairs and walked me to the park so that I would not feel threatened in the cramped elevator, again showing more kindness than I deserve. "I will follow your rules without exception, but I would like to make one request. Could you please let Tony work full days so that you will no longer be down two agents on this case? Babysitting me is no longer necessary and working is a much better use of his time."

"Okay, DiNozzo can come in early after tomorrow, but he is to pick you up at noon and take you home at 5."

I raise my palm in protest. "Gibbs, that is not necessary, I can certainly drive myself in."

"I'm sure you can, and once you start showing me better judgment, you will earn more independence. Ziva, the team cannot lose you again and I will do everything in my power to make sure that does not happen, even if that means I have to babysit you myself. If it makes you feel any better, I'm also doing it to get DiNozzo out by 5 for a while."

His mouth hitches to the side and he says, "You know you're making me look bad. I have a breakdown and run to Mexico for three months; you take a day then fight to come back the next." He shakes his head and almost smiles at me, walks around the table, offers his hand then pulls me up and into a gentle hug, kisses my hair and whispers, "Let the rest of us take the heavy lifting for a while."

I reply, "ken, yadid yakar"

We walk slowly back to the office in a comfortable silence. Gibbs awkwardly puts his arm around me and squeezes my shoulder as we leave the park.

A/N – I know no Hebrew, so "Yes, Dear Friend" is a translation based on my googling efforts. It may possibly say something like, "Yes, crab leg" for all I know for certain, so correct me if I'm off on that one.