I open the door and step through into a new room. The first thing I notice is that King Arthur's interior designer must have decorated this room. I gaze around. There's a mirror and I see that my hair is now long and blonde. I'm wearing a white dress that goes to the floor. I quickly check that I still have the dandelion. It's in my pocket. I breathe a sigh of relief. I also check to see if I still have wings. Yep. They're there.
I take notice of the rest of the room. It's made of wooden walls and has a fur rug. Made of real fur. Like, from animals. On top of that monstrosity (that at least 20 chinchillas must have died to make), is a bed. On top of the bed is an unconscious man.
I awkwardly stand there. Do I wake him? Is he dead? I kneel down and feel his pulse. There is none. I swallow. I have no idea where I am and there is a dead man in a bed. What book could this possibly be?
"Ohhh…He must have died sometime in the night. What a tragedy for the king to lose his only son and heir. " A slippery voice says behind me. I know that voice. I shiver. Grima Wormtongue. This can only mean that I'm in Lord of the Rings. I must be in the sequel, the Two Towers. And I must be Eowyn. But no…That must mean that I'm…and…oh god no…NOT THIS SCENE.
"I understand that his passing is hard to accept, especially since your brother has deserted you." Wormtongue says. He places a hand on my shoulder. I glare at it.
"You have three seconds to get your hand off me and leave me alone or sohelpmegod I will bite it off." I growl. He takes his hand off.
"Oh but you are alone. Who knows what you've spoken to in the darkness? In the bitter watches of the night?" Wormtongue hisses. "When all your life seems to shrink. The walls of your bower close about you. A hutch to trammel some wild thing in."
During his deep pretentious sounding lecture, Wormtongue inches closer to me.
"So fair and so cold. Like a morning of spring still clinging to winter's chill." He reaches his hand out to me. I bite it.
"Ahh!" He yells, and pulls his hand back.
"I told you I would bite you. And enough of your creepy philosophical speech." I yell at him as he clutches his wounded hand.
"You bit me!" He cries.
"Yes! That's what you get for being creepy."
"The king will hear about this. There will be consequences." He hisses angrily.
"Yeah right. You think I'm just going to wait for Gandalf to show up to knock some sense into Théoden? That's hilarious." I say, and storm to the throne room.
"W-What are you doing?" Wormtongue asks, trailing behind me. I burst into the throne room.
"M'lady the king is not well today. You should let him rest." One of the guards tells me. I ignore him and walk to the king. He is old and crusty-looking because of Solomon's spell thingy. I think he's sleeping. I slap him awake. He mumbles something.
"Worm-perv over there just tried to seduce me!" I yell at Théoden. "If you don't do something about it, then I will!"
Théoden laughs gruesomely. "You have no power here." I smile.
"Oh no you didn't." I say. I have a brilliant idea. To break the spell Gandalf just sort of threw Théoden around a bit. I decide to give that a shot and slap Théoden. I pull him up by his fluffy cloak and then fling him to the ground.
"Eowyn, has your mind been corrupted?" A background guard asks.
"Has your mind been corrupted? What does that even mean? What is that even English?" I ask.
"Come on Théoden!" I continue. "I thought you were better than this. Letting Solomon and Wormtongue manipulate you like this? It's pathetic." I slap him some more.
"PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!" I yell, giving him a slap across his face for each word. He starts to stir. I can almost see Théoden fighting through the mist that Wormtongue and Solomon have placed over him. He just needs a bit of a push.
"Don't make me go full-on-feminist on you! Because I will. And while we're at it, a fur rug? Do you know how many chinchillas die every year to make luxuries for rich greedy people like you? Did you know a single coat requires at least 150 chinchillas to make? 150! You monster!" I yell. I slap him again. Then I stand up.
"Come on, Théoden!" I yell down at him. Wormtongue looks worried because whatever I'm doing seems to be working.
"You have clearly lost your wits." Wormtongue says. "Guards, bring her back to her chambers."
Uh oh. I have to finish this quickly. What's the one thing that could offend Théoden more than anything else in the world?
"And while we're at it, a horse sigil? Really? That's pretty lame. Horses are one step away from unicorns and that's basically declaring yourself a three year old girl." I say. I don't even yell or slap him, but suddenly Théoden is furious.
"How dare you insult my horses?" He says. He sits up and slaps me across the face. Then we're both speechless and we just stare at each other for a few seconds.
"OOOuuuuch! I broke Solomon's curse and this is how you repay me? By slapping me?" I yell at him and rub my cheek.
"Eowyn, how did you expel me of Solomon's poisonous spell?"
"Honestly, I just pissed you off until you came back to your senses. It seemed to work. And just for the record, I actually really love horses. I think they're adorable." I say. Theoden doesn't look too happy about that because I just said that horses are prissy. "Um…And fierce. Really fierce. And intimidating." I add. Théoden smiles.
"It is good to be back." He says.
"Yeah. I hope Solomon enjoyed being bitchslapped back to Mordor." I laugh.
"Pray tell, what is this bitchslapping?" Théoden asks.
"Um...How do I even explain it? Where's urban dictionary when you need it? It's when you slap someone because they're being a whiny little brat. It implies they are not worthy of a punch." I explain.
"Fascinating." Théoden says while trying to absorb this.
"But in all seriousness, you need to stop making coats and rugs and shit out of chinchillas." I say very seriously. Théoden nods, looking both scared and confused at the same time. Suddenly, the doors to the throne room burst open, bringing with them a gust of wing.
"Hail, Théoden son of Thengel!" Gandalf says dramatically. He stops when he notices Théoden is not being controlled by Solomon.
"Théoden, how is it that you have come to be freed from your torment?" He asks.
"Solomon was, "bitchslapped back to Mordor"?" Théoden says, then glances at me for approval. I give him a thumbs up.
"Does this mean we won't get to beat anyone up?" Gimli asks, sounding disappointed.
"If you want, you can beat the shit out of Grima Wormtongue." I say, pointing to Wormtongue. He's cowering behind some guards. I hear Théoden growl next to me, and suddenly he has grabbed Wormtongue and thrown him down some stairs. Wormtongue starts to back up. I notice Théoden has his sword drawn. Every instinct I have (especially the one that hates creepy perverts) is telling me to let Théoden kill him. Yet, I made a promise to Rue and no matter how much I hate it I can't let him kill Wormtongue.
Théoden raises his sword, ready to strike. I groan and then rush in front of him, just as Aragorn does. We slam into each other. I fall back onto my butt.
"Ouch!"
"What is the meaning of this?" Théoden demands. Aragorn holds up his hands.
"No my lord. Let him go. Enough blood has been split on his account." Aragorn explains.
"Yeah, what he said." I agree. I rub my butt because that fall really hurt. Wormtongue sees this.
"Keep your eyes to yourself or I'll bite you again." I threaten. Wormtongue looks away, horrified. Aragorn stands up and holds his hand out to Grima, who spits on it and then runs off into the crowd. I hear him yelled at people to get out of his way, and then he's gone. Théoden looks around.
"Where is Theodred? Where is my son?" He asks. There's a super awkward silence. My time to shine.
"Now that you mention it, there's a dead guy in one of the bedrooms."
Don't you just hate it when a dead guy shows up in your bedroom? I know I do. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please review! And I hope everyone had a nice holiday!