A/N This chapter was really hard to write so I hope it comes across as it sounds in my head. I realize that it would have taken longer than this for Ziva and Gibbs to return from their walk, but I couldn't fit lulls in the conversation and keep it fluid. So, just assume Tony took a detour then jumped in the elevator to go back up to their floor.

Chapter 19

McTension

(Tony's POV)

Once the elevator doors close I flick the abused emergency stop switch. I have been in emotional overdrive and I need to get my head on straight. I pace the small area, scratch my hair then impulsively mess it up with both hands, I don't even know exactly why. Things are going alright under the circumstances, but circumstances themselves can be exhausting. I start to calm down, run my fingers through my hair to tame it once again, take a deep breath then flip the switch. Once these doors open again, McGee will want answers and I need to be as nonchalant as possible. I won't brush the kid off, I just need to make sure I don't worry him and if I'm too serious, he'll worry.

*Ding*

Probie's head pops up right on cue and I try to start talking as soon as possible so that he won't bombard me with questions until we're in our own bullpen area.

"Hey there Mc . . . Guy." I cringe as I say it. So much for smooth banter and clever distraction.

"Okay, Tony, now I'm seriously worried."

At least he waited until I reached my desk.

He leans on the edge of his desk and looks at me intently, "How is she?"

"I'm gonna let her field that one, McNosey. She's with Gibbs right now and I'm not sure if he's ringing her neck or driving her home. She does have a way of getting his dander up."

I look at the empty desk with a sentimental grin, thinking about another woman whose sensible yet sarcastic voice I still hear in my head when I do or say something stupid, or need someone to state the obvious. We're both respectfully quiet for a few minutes. It's been long enough we can talk about her lightly, which is what she would have wanted anyway. She had never been much for gravity in the bullpen.

"Kate always followed the rules like a good Catholic school girl."

McGee is thrown off by the sudden mention of Kate while Ziva's life is in chaos. He responds having no idea where I'm going with this, "Except for times you'd pull her down with you into some prank or another."

"You would remember since they were all directed at you. Ahhh, I miss her, she was so predictable, and dependable."

"I miss her, too, Tony."

I wrinkle my brow in exaggerated thoughtfulness, "I think since then Gibbs' hair has gotten whiter. He definitely has wrinkles that weren't there before. What do you think, Probie?"

"We'll he's been through a lot since then, he's lost Director Sheperd, we've been split up a few times and it seems like he's been worried about Ziva ever since she walked through the door the first time."

Tim's head is tilted slightly which means he's thinking deeply. The banter must continue.

"Yes, well, our little Ziva is no obedient Catholic schoolgirl. Where Kate would say, 'Yes, Boss.' Ziva challenges his every decision." I lean back in my chair with my fingers laced together behind my head. "She's got spunk. I like that, but I still wish Kate were here too. She was like the annoying sister I never knew I needed."

I hadn't expected to talk about Kate, but I think about who I was then and hope that if she could see me now she would find that that I'm no longer just some shallow frat boy, aside from the occasional prank and name calling, anyway. I hope she would have been proud of me for the past few days. I haven't done anything heroic but I have been there for my partner, a gorgeous woman in a vulnerable state who I feel a strong attraction for, and I have had no selfish agenda.

"Tony, I know you're wishing Kate were here because you would want her advice. Really, what's going on, maybe I can help."

Okay, he's a bit more observant than I gave him credit for. "Not likely, unless you have a bra on under that slim designer shirt. No, scratch that, that would just be creepy."

I don't even get a smirk? Talk about a tough crowd. "Tony, is she mad at me?"

I answer with an exaggerated pondering tone to keep things light, "She would be if you took one of her bras just to give me a woman's perspective."

"Stop it, Tony. This is serious! Can you just for once stop goofing around and answer the question!"

Oh, I can be serious.

"You know, McEgo, No, she hasn't mentioned you. She's been too busy dealing with her torture in Somalia to work through her feelings for you."

As soon as the words leave my mouth I wince. I've jumped right over the line from sarcasm to venom, and Tim doesn't deserve that, especially not two days in a row. So much for me growing up, maybe Kate wouldn't be so impressed after all.

He turns away, pinches his nose and oh no, is he crying? He sits, quietly, his head in his hands and I think back to yesterday when I was sitting in that same position on Ziva's couch, sobbing. Okay, no more games or distractions.

I walk over, lean against the edge of the end of the desk, and look towards the stairs rather than invade his privacy.

"Tim, I didn't mean that."

He wipes his face with his hands and rests his forehead in the cradle of his thumb and forefinger. "Tony, I know you only get vindictive when you're dealing with grief. I get it, I do. But I'm too tired to handle it right now. I've been worried sick about her and the only thing I can do to help is focus on the case. Right now you're not helping."

I should have known better. He's miserable and had already been beating himself up for the insult I flung at him yesterday, so what do I do? Rather than say, "Good job, Little McEngine that Could," I cut him even deeper. I still have a long way to go.

I sigh in frustration at my insensitivity. "It's been a long couple of days for all of us. She isn't mad at you, she has no reason to be." I look at him straight to make sure he got the message. "She's still going through hell and had done a good job of hiding it. I don't think Gibbs even knew how bad it had gotten. This isn't over so we'll all need to keep a close eye on her for a while, even after this case has blown over. That, my McProtégé, is your mission." I poke his shoulder to no effect.

It just registered that both he and Gibbs are wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Sweet little McMuffin, he's being chivalrous in his own way by working around the clock. I have to respect the full on effort he's giving. I shake his shoulder, and try to sound casual and encouraging, "Hey, she's gonna be okay. We all have her back now."

"Tony, just remember that we have yours, too."

Gibbs must be right, I must look pathetic for him to take pity on me. It kills me when he's nice like that, especially after I rip him to shreds for no good reason. It makes me start saying sappy nice things, then I catch myself upping the insults the next several days to save face. I will make a mental note to try not to do that this time.

"Thanks. Listen, there's one more thing that you should know since you're probably the only one that hasn't seen them or read her report. She's pretty scarred. If her shirt ever rides up or anything, I just don't want you to be surprised or upset."

"Thanks for the head's up, Tony." He looks at me sideways, "Wait, when have you seen these scars?"

I saunter back to my desk and casually reply, "When I took her shirt off." With that I lean back in my chair, arms behind my head with a gloating, satisfied smirk.

His mouth opened but he had no words. His eyebrows were furrowed and we were back as we should be.

*Ding*