Chapter 21(A)

Briefing

(Ziva's POV)

Poor Tony must be tired of waiting on me while I assure everyone that I am fine. After my talk with Abby I am starting to feel relieved that Gibbs is sending both of us home once I have a talk with McGee. I could do with some rest, and looking at Tony, I'd say he could as well. On our way back I need the ladies' room, but Tony opens the men's door instead and motions me in.

He shrugs, "Hey, I'm only following orders and if I go in the little girls' room I'll be slapped with a sexual harassment suit. You, on the other hand, are a woman, and a known assassin so no one will dare sue you no matter how many lines you cross."

Another concession.

"Fine."

I hope this case is over soon, I think Tony is enjoying this a bit too much.

Back at the Bullpen Gibbs is not at his desk but McGee stands up and says, "Uh . . . Ziva . . .Gibbs wants me to . . . brief you on what you'll be doing for the case. Want to go to the conference room?"

Smooth, McGee, very smooth.

"Of course."

Tony starts to follow then I turn, put my hand on his chest to stop him, hook my arm around McGee's and say, "Not this time, Romeo."

Tim smiles, raises his eyebrows at Tony, and escorts me to the conference room.

We sit down and he looks very nervous so I start for him, "I am guessing this is less about briefing me on the case and more about me briefing you, yes?"

"Yeah, it was Gibb's idea to reserve the room so we wouldn't be interrupted, not to say that Tony won't try to hold a cup to the door or anything." He goes from fidgeting to pacing then continues, "Ziva, I am so sorry. I should have known that the scene could upset you and I didn't even bother to look at you or ask if you were okay. After you passed out I was so worried that once you opened your eyes you'd never want to come back; that you'd want to be far away from everything that reminded you of that horrible place, including us."

"Seeing you, Tony and Gibbs was the only good thing that happened in Somalia. Tim, I would never look at you and see anything but a dear friend."

He still is agitated and continues passionately.

"Ziva, I don't know how you've handled it. I was only there for a few days and I still have nightmares sometimes that it didn't end well. But those mornings I see you and then I know that you're okay, and it's over. It's never over for you, and here I've been right beside you and I didn't even know. Some agents I am." He huffed. "Some friend I am."

He sits down, exasperated, looks at me with that innocent sad expression and I realize how much guilt he is carrying that does not belong on his shoulders.

"I'm sorry, Ziva. I'm so sorry. I wish more than anything that I could go back and do yesterday over." His eyes dart away in shame.

I walk behind his chair, wrap my arms around him and feel the tension in his shoulders. I answer firmly while still hugging him "Tim, when I was pulled into that room and the sack came off my head, I saw Tony and I immediately sensed you behind me as well because you are a loyal friend with a good heart and you would not let Tony go on a suicide mission alone. You are courageous and honorable, and not many men can boast that they have saved a damsel in distress from an impenetrable fortress, but you have. I'm here now because you came and rescued me. You, Tim. Tony and Gibbs could not have done it without your help."

I give him a kiss on the cheek then when I feel his muscles relax I loosen my grip and he swipes a tired hand down his face. I sit back in the chair facing him, smile at him softly and place my hand on his arm, maintaining physical contact.

"I hear that you are working very hard to wrap up this case for me and I have faith that you will do it soon. Tim, you may not have the tragic backstory that some of us are cursed with, but you are solid, dependable and keep us grounded as a team. Just because some superpowers are not as visible, does not mean they do not exist. And believe me, McGee, you are no sidekick."

He is smiling despite himself.

"So, Gibbs didn't say much, not surprisingly. He just told me your hours but he said that you would tell me the rest."

Ah, admitting my own kryptonia to the superhero. It is my turn to pace.

"This was not the first time I have panicked, but it is the first time I have had a severe panic attack. I have been left with some . . . challenges from my time in Somalia and I have not shared them because I did not want to appear weak. I also have been frustrated that for the first time in my life I cannot master my physical reactions to anxiety as I always have in the past. Usually the physical symptoms are minor; my heart sounds like it is thumping in my ears, I start breathing quickly, or my hands shake, but it had been manageable, and give me some credit for hiding these symptoms well." I flash him a smile. "The hardest thing for me is entering dark musty rooms. It brings back the feeling of being confined with no escape. I do not want everyone to go overboard to protect me because much of our job is done in such rooms and I have been able to manage. I hope that will get easier with time. That used to be the only trigger, but after yesterday it seems that certain . . . assault cases have a stronger effect on me as well."

Tim looked so anguished, and just said, "I wish I could kill him a thousand times." He was polite enough to leave it at that. Heaven knows I have talked through enough drama the past 2 days. "If there is any way I can help, Ziva, you have to tell me. I'm not as quick as Tony or Gibbs at reading people, but you know I would do anything for you, right?"

"You have gone to a terrorist camp in the middle of the Somalian desert and back for me. I will always trust you with my life."

We sat in silence but I could tell he had something else to say.

"So, what was it like, the panic attack, I mean. If you don't mind me asking."

"I don't mind. I had no control of my own body, as though every part of me was physically rebelling. The event is rather a blur but I do remember being thankful as I passed out. It is very odd but I have felt much better since then, and despite how awful it was to go through, I think I am better for having suffered it. Suffering does not always make things worse in the end."

Tim smiled and sighed, "I bit Ducky and Abby's heads off yesterday for trying to tell me the same thing." He then turned serious again, "I just know you have suffered so much more than a normal person could take, and it's painful watching you go through any more, even if it does make things better in the long run."

"It is the way of things." I squeeze his arm, "Since you would like me to be upfront about my feelings, I will admit that I am rather tired, and so I am going to see if Tony could drive me home now. Thank you, Tim." I lean in and kiss his cheek.

"Ziva, I have one more question."

"Yes?"

"Did you really let Tony take off your shirt?"

So that was what I'd walked into earlier. I am going to kill DiNozzo, but for now I cannot help playing along. I squinted my eyes and gave him a mysterious smile then left him wondering.

When Gibbs sees me he halts his conversation with Tony indicating that I was the topic. I know they will all be talking about me, not out of gossip, but because I am a common concern. It's a bit unnerving but like most things, it will pass with time.

Tony grabbed his bag, "Ready to go?" I nod, "I'll bring the car around."

"I can certainly walk to the car you know." He keeps walking without acknowledging my obvious statement of fact.

Instead Gibbs answers, "I'll walk you out. Elevator or stairs?" (Translated, 'I'll babysit you. Are you afraid of the elevator?')

"I do not mind the elevator, but thank you for asking."

We ride down in silence and while we are waiting for Tony he asks,

"So, did you follow orders?"

I answer as though I am a child being asked if she had made her bed. "Yes, Abby and McGee know that I am grounded. And after today I can guarantee a psych evaluation will not be in order. I have absolutely nothing left to talk about."

He smiles, actually showing his teeth and says, "Good, now keep it up." He squeezes my shoulder then opens the car door for me.

The hum of the motor lulls me to sleep almost immediately.