Questions
Iggy answers the questions located in the back of Fang
By: Edna Baudelaire
Oneshot Number: 2
Note: Iggy answers the questions in the back of Fang. The title kind of explains it...
DO YOU HAVE A JAMAINCAN ACCENT?
If you listen real close, you can hear traces of it. Can't you tell I'm Jamaican by my skin color?
DO YOU MOLT?
Sometimes.
WHAT'S YOUR STAR SIGN?
Leo. Rawr.
HAVE YOU TOLD JEB I LOVE HIM YET?
I'll get right on that...
DOES NOT HAVING A POWER MAKE YOU ANGRY?
That's not true. I have a power. I'm a level 45 wizard on Dungeons and Dragons. So there...
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THE SOULJA BOY?
Who doesn't?
DO YOU USE HAIR PRODUCTS?
Course not. This is all Iggy baby.
DO YOU USE PRODUCTS ON YOUR FEATHERS?
All the time. I just fly down to my local Wal-mart, and viola, birdkid feather softener. It's been really popular in the US as of late...
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
The ones I can see...
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SONG?
Gotta love that Ashlee Simpson...
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
Not Total, that's for sure.
DO THESE QUESTIONS MAKE YOU ANGRY?
Eh...not really. There's not much else for me to do. The rest of the Flock are in the living room, watching a movie. I can't really participate, so here I am, answering your stupid questions.
IF I CAME UP TO YOU IN A STREET AND HUGGED YOU, WOULD YOU KILL ME?
Yes.
DO YOU SECRETLY WANT TO BE HUGGED?
What is this? Oprah?
ARE YOU GOING EMO 'CAUSE ANGEL IS STEALING EVERYONE'S POWERS (INCLUDING YOURS)?
Me? Emo? You have the wrong Flock member. I think your looking for the one with the snappy fashion sense...
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?
Not desert rat, that's for damn sure.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?
Whatever JP told me to make.
DID YOU EVEN HAVE BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?
Yup, I just don't really remember it.
DID YOU DIE INSIDE WHEN MAX CHOSE ARI OVER YOU?
She chose Ari over all of us. Stupid git. Uh..him. Not Max. If she see's this, she will so kill me.
DO YOU LIKE MAX?
Yukk no. Too bossy for my taste. I go for more of the understanding, love-Iggy-even-though-he's-blind type of gal.
DO YOU LIKE ME?
Sure. Why the hell not?
DOES IGGY LIKE ME?
-looks around- Uh...yeah. Did I not just answer this question?
DO YOU WRITE DEPRESSING POETRY?
Only because JP doesn't give me enough page time in these books :(
IS IT ABOUT MAX?
Why must you make me repeat myself?
IS IT ABOUT ARI?
No. It's about your mom. So there.
IS IT ABOUT JEB?
Screw you.
ARE YOU GOING TO BLOCK THIS COMMENT?
I'm blind. I can't find the block button.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
I honestly have no idea. Gazzy picked it out for me this morning. For all I know, it might be a pink tutu.
DO YOU WEAR BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
I like to go commando.
DO YOU FIND THIS COMMENT PERSONAL?
Not really. I always tell people whether I wear boxers or briefs. It's proper dinner conversation.
DO YOU WEAR SUNGLASSES?
Do you think I need them?
DO YOU WEAR SUNGLASSES AT NIGHT?
Yeah, to keep the sun out of my blind eyes. At night.
DO YOU SMOKE APPLES, LIKE US?
You must be smoking something else as well...
DO YOU PREFER BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Yeah, because I really choose a girl on a hair color I can't even see.
DO YOU LIKE VAMPIRES OR WEREWOLVES.
Are you freakin' serious?
ARE YOU GAY AND JUST PRETENDING TO BE STRAIGHT BY KISSING LISSA?
I never kissed Lissa...but if you say so! You can spread that one around.
Except for the gay part. So not gay.
WERE YOU EXPERIMENTING WITH YOUR SEXUALITY?
OK. Now you are just creeping me out.
WOULD YOU TELL US IF YOU WERE GAY?
Is this survey almost over? Now you're starting to piss me off...
DO YOU SECRETLY LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE CALL YOU EMO?
Who the hell calls me emo?
ARE YOU EMO?
Can I kill you?
DO YOU LIKE EGGS?
Hell yeah, I like eggs. It's kind of ironic though, because I'm part bird. And birds lay...eggs. Get it?
DO YOU LIKE EATING THINGS?
Of course not. I enjoy starving.
DO YOU SECRETLY THINK YOU'RE THE SEXIEST PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD?
Please, honey, I know I'm the sexiest person in the whole world.
DO YOU EVER HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT MAX?
Eww. No. You are a very gross girl, you know that?
HAS ANGEL EVER READ YOUR MIND WHEN YOU WERE HAVING DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT MAX AND GONE "OMG" AND YOU WERE LIKE "D:"?
Are you serious?
DO YOU LIKE SPONGEBOB?
Hell no.
DO YOU EVER HAVE DIRTY THOUGHTS ABOUT SPONGEBOB?
Hell yeah.
CAN YOU COOK?
Yup. It's about the only thing I can do.
DO YOU LIKE TO COOK?
Of course. I like to make sure my Flock doesn't die of starvation, if that's what you mean.
ARE YOU, LIKE, A HOUSEWIFE?
A little. :D
DO YOU SECRETLY HAVE INNER TURMOIL?
Well, if it was a secret, why would I tell you?
DO YOU WANT TO BE UNDA DA SEA?
No. 'Cause I would drown.
DO YOU THINK IT'S NOT TOO LATE, IT'S NEVER TOO LATE?
Nah. It's too late.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO PLAY POKER?
The Blind Person Academy of Poker Playing.
DO YOU HAVE A GOOD POKER FACE?
You tell me.
OF COURSE YOU HAVE A GOOD POKER FACE. DOES FANG HAVE A GOOD POKER FACE?
Thankyou. To see if Fang had a poker face, I'd have to be able to see. And since I don't have that ability, I can't tell you. Bummer. Must be so hard for you not to know.
DO YOU LIKE POKING PEOPLE, HARD?
I would like to poke you hard. And get your mind out of the gutter.
ARE YOU FANGALICIOUS?
If I do say so myself...
Wait a minute...I'm blind. How am I reading these questions?
It's a miracle!
OR YOU JUST HAVE YOUR COMPUTER PROGRAMMED TO TALK TO YOU, LIKE MOST BLIND PEOPLE DO...
Screw you...
Tell me what you think! And remember, if you have an idea for a oneshot that you want to see, just tell yours truly, and I will get to writing. There is no way I can come up with 100 by myself. So I'm going to need your help. So, review away!
Edna B.