Chapter 24
Accessibility
(Ziva's POV)
When he pulls into my apartment complex after work I am not sure if he is still on a covert surveillance mission for Gibbs, if he is motivated by his own protective instincts, or if he is just not ready to be alone himself yet, but I can tell that he is hoping for a dinner invitation yet does not want to impose. I choose to end his indecision, "Well, we have not even gotten half way through the movie yet so you might as well come in."
He flashes a big smile, "I thought you'd never ask. I'll make dinner tonight." I cannot help but smile back at his raw enthusiasm.
He runs back to his place to change then to the grocery to pick up ingredients. I know that he has a short list of Italian dishes that he has perfected to impress dates. Since most of his relationships have not lasted long enough to exhaust this list there has been little need for repetition. However, during our partnership I have had them each many times so he tries to pass them off as different meals by using different shaped pasta. I am wise to this, but I humor him.
He sings some exaggerated Italian serenade while he dishes it up. I am thankful for his levity. We sit at the table rather than eat in front of the TV tonight. Neither of us suggests it, it just naturally happens.
"Buon Appetite!" He whisks the plate in front of me with a flourish.
"Grazie, Tony."
"So, how was day two? Enjoy the tea and crumpets with Ducky?"
"Scones, and yes, as a matter of fact, I did. He is delightful company."
"Was that Gibbs mandated today? Did he pile on more caveats or is he backing off?"
"Well, he did let me go to the head on my own, but I think that had more to do with Director Vance fielding complaints, or being afraid I would walk in on him than Gibbs trusting me. As far as Ducky goes, we have an understanding. Gibbs escorted me down for tea and scones, but that was as far as Gibbs knew, or will know no matter how curious he gets. Ducky said he would say just enough to shield me from future psych evals, but give no details whether we talk about the weather, his cricket days or my checkered past."
He just smiles and takes a sip of his wine. "So, what was the topic today, if you don't mind me asking?"
I narrow my eyes at him, "What makes you think that if Gibbs is not privy to our conversations that you should be?"
"Fair enough. Ducky is a good man, I'm glad you have him."
He looks a little conflicted? Insecure? Hurt?
"I seem to be surrounded by good men, and for that I am very thankful." I shoot him a meaningful glance. "I can tell you that Ducky is helping me assimilate into American life, or rather make a permanent transition into it. He has certain . . . insights that the rest of you lack from growing up in this culture. Do not get me wrong, I mean the constant movie references will no doubt help me ace my citizenship exam, but there are a few things about Americans that the books just do not cover."
"Such as our high consumption of tom-ahto ketchup and tendency to wear bright white trainers, or was it more like our aversion to haggis and our idea that guys wearing skirts is just not masculine, no matter how good looking his legs are?" He emphasized the Britishisms with a proper Scottish accent.
"Something like that."
"So, overall a good day?"
"Yes, Tony, I did have a good day, and you?"
"Didn't get very far with the case but it was cute seeing McGee taking the reins. Gibbs really let him have a long leash. In fact I didn't see Gibbs very much at all, just a few times looking over the railing and walking through to get updates. I'm guessing he was doing some analysis down with Abby since the plasma was off all afternoon. It seemed rather obvious that McGee stayed to keep an eye on us to deflect the fact that Gibbs was working on the more disturbing aspects of the case."
I appreciate Tony's honest assessment.
"Tomorrow you will be able to work a full day so maybe you will be able to make more headway."
"Yeah, I hope so, I'd like to get this thing wrapped up, although I admit getting to be your personal chauffer has its perks. I think I'll miss that when Daddy gives you back the car keys."
"Tony, we will be sitting across from each other all day again, and who knows? Maybe one day you will be lucky enough to have a neurotic episode of your own and I will get to be chauffer for you." I offer a smug smile. He responds in kind.
"Oh, dare to dream, Missy! For now it's Sound of Music, take three. Hopefully we'll finish it before either one of us gets committed." He gets up to clear the plates and I follow suit by dishing out the ice cream.
Tonight Tony gets me to sing along with the songs and we chat through part of the movie. I tell him a few stories about Salzburg and how he would love the food, especially the goulash. He asks what I would find more attractive, a man in a kilt or in lederhosen. That is a tough one and requires much analysis. We make it to the end and while the credits are rolling I break his bubble by telling him the actual mountains they were climbing at the end of the film would lead into Germany rather than freedom. In reply I get a deflated, "Well aren't you Little Miss Kill Joy."
We sit near each other but not as intimately as the night before. He stands and stretches, "Well, I better get going and let you get to sleep." He must be free of Gibbs' orders to stay with me, but I find that I am disappointed at the thought of him leaving. He sits on the coffee table in front of me, sensing my disappointment.
He looks me in the eye and takes my hand in his, rubbing his thumb in circles. "Ziva, what would you like me to do? I can stay if you want, whether with you," he nods towards the bedroom, "or out here. I don't mind, in fact I would be happy to, I just didn't want to make any assumptions."
I am feeling better after a lighter evening, but I do not want to be alone in the dark quite yet. Before I would have kicked him out with some diatribe about being able to take care of myself, thank you very much, and face my fears in true Mossad fashion, but then I think about my talk with Ducky and realize that I need to find what is 'better' rather than 'normal.' Honesty wins the moment and I make a personal compromise.
"Tony, there is a small brown paper bag on the counter, could you get that for me." He complies, then sits on the couch. We both shift so that we are facing each other and he places a hand on my knee to urge me to continue. "I ran two errands this morning, one for Abby, obviously the flowers, and the other for you. Since I have come back I have not been sure of much, especially my future at NCIS. But even aside from that my citizenship is undecided, and my biggest hesitation is that I know I have changed and I have not felt certain that I still fit in the same place in everyone's lives. Ducky pointed out to me that I have been conditioned to consider every stage of my life as temporary and that my instinct is to formulate exit strategies for every mission."
He is trying to look calm and encouraging, but I see the panic brewing in his eyes. He has unknowingly increased the pressure on my knee, as though willing me not to say that I am leaving. I hand him the bag, which he slowly accepts but there is another meaningful pause and he is reluctant to open it.
"I was not sure when would be the right time to give it to you, but I believe it is now. I do not know what will happen in the future, but I do not intend to go back to the way things were before. I had been attempting that and it just does not fit any longer." He slowly opens the bag and pulls out two keys. "Tony, I want to stay. I have decided to act like I am a permanent part of this team again, and the first step of that is being more accessible. Years ago I had given you a key to my place in case of emergencies. I did trust you to a point then, and since then you have proven that any trust that I put in you will never be misplaced." He is just looking between the keys and me as relief, hope and something that I cannot quite place washes over him. Then he examined them closer and asked, "Two?"
"Well, just so you do not get too full of yourself, I also had one made for Gibbs." I smile but the mock disappointed look or sarcastic comment does not come. He just is in awe of the small tokens in his hand and he gingerly brushes his fingers over them to verify they are real. "I do not want him to have to worry over me again, and while he is not so keen to have deep discussions, I am hoping that beyond the practical implications of giving it to him, he will realize the meaning behind it."
"Ziva, he will." He clears his throat and I feel the weight in his words. He pulls out his keychain and places his gift next to his own apartment key, and I believe he is beaming.
"So, tonight is your call. I brought a go-bag in case but I can just as easily head home if you would rather be alone."
I am having a hard time formulating the words that morph my insecurities into a request. "Tony, I do need to get back to a routine on my own, but for tonight could you stay with me" I nod towards the bedroom, "just until I am asleep?"
His pleasure intensifies, "Of course." He dangles his keychain, "And now I can let myself out and lock the door behind me." Okay, that was not so painful.
While I am changing in the bathroom I hear the front door open and I know Tony is testing out his new memento. Yes, I believe he is very pleased. He finishes cleaning the kitchen then knocks at the open bedroom door, and I nod him in as I finish brushing my hair. He pulls back the covers and motions for me to get comfortable. He snugs me in one side, kisses my forehead then lies on top of the covers on the other side and starts rubbing my back through the blankets and humming a slow tempo Sound of Music medley. I am lulled to a sound sleep and do not hear the click of the lock as he lets himself out.