Chapter 27

Tha-Thump

(Ziva's POV)

I wake, but before my eyes open I can sense three things; first, it is dark, second, my pillow is rising and falling with the sound of deep breaths and three, there are arms securely around me. Tony must have carried me to bed yet again but this time he stayed. I must have been a sight, all the blubbering and sniffling, and there was Tony yet again to pick up the pieces. I listen to his even heartbeat and am thankful. I am thankful that he came to rescue me. Thankful that he was not killed trying to do such a foolish thing for a woman who had cast him aside. Thankful that he has not judged me unworthy to be on the team or in his life after all I put him through. I place my palm on his chest next to my face and slowly move it as though the more I feel him the truer the reality is that he is here with me.

I think back to the events of the day while I listen to the steady tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump that anchors me to the reality that this nightmare is over.

I had a fantastic run. I have come to relish the freedom that comes from propelling myself forward, the power behind each step is empowering. I was carried away by the beautiful weather and the rush of adrenaline and ran longer than I had planned. While I was enjoying my post-run shower, I heard a knock on the door. I quickly tucked a towel around me, grabbed another to pat dry my hair and made my way to look through the peep hole. Tony. He looked nervous, in fact he almost had the McGee puppy dog look about him. He knocked again with more will behind it and I opened the door and motioned him in.

He could not spit out what the trouble was but I could see the conflict. He was distracted by the fact that I was not dressed and while I was flattered and at any other time I would tease him mercilessly for his weakness in the face of my beauty, I could see that it was not the time for taunting him, too much anyway. I took pity on him and changed.

He carefully told me that Gibbs was letting me have at a suspect so that I could use him as a verbal punching sack. I knew he was thinking that if I took all the anger I had harbored against Salim and transferred it to this Marine I would feel better. I was caught off guard, I did not know what to expect of myself and I did not want to go in and risk further humiliation, but this was Gibbs. If I was going to start acting like I am permanently with this team, my loyalty has to start with my relationship with him. I had to honor his request to come in. I knew this was going to irk McGee and Tony but I had no choice. I pulled my hand out of Tony's and stood up, showing my resolve.

He came close as if he was going to hug me. I could not let him touch me or I would not be able to keep my wits about me. I put my hand up to stop him and I shut my eyes against the pain that no doubt was there in his expression. After all the closeness and honesty of the past few days I did not want to confuse him with my distance, and hoped he would understand. He had forgiven me for much more and I would just have to take the risk that his mercy towards me was not fleeting.

The time at NCIS was a blur. I avoided any personal contact that would lower my defenses and then I saw the monster. All the smells and sounds of Africa infiltrated my senses, I was surging with anger and pain and I was vaguely surprised to find that my clenched fists were not bound. I understood why Gibbs sent for me. He was not Salim, but he could be related. It was not even the physical features, but the disdain, the callousness, the arrogance. I closed my eyes. Oh, I wanted this, I really did. In a small part of my mind I processed that McGee and Tony were eyeing me and waiting for an indication of what they should do. I could not face them with so much hatred in my heart, despite hearing, "Ziva . . ." in Tony's pleading tone. I had to go. I unclenched my fists to find that they no longer shook, then I uttered something as I left the room.

I opened the door with conviction and Gibbs met me with a supportive nod. I remember him saying, 'leave no marks." I had no intention of touching that unkosher piece of filth, but I would make him suffer. I paced, I started speaking evenly then shouting and mocking him in Hebrew. Every single thing that ran through my head in that desolate camp, all the hopelessness that was beaten out of me was now replaced with a drive to be in control and more, to inflict torture myself. The accusations and scorn on my behalf and for that of Staff Sergeant Sarah Masters and his other silenced victims flowed through me. I saw his expression turn from smugness to fear. I saw him cower at my pounding hand and shrink at my foreign insults, and when I ran out of insults and tired of seeing his face I spat at it, and it was over. I calmly walked to the door, opened it and as soon as it closed I ran to the ladies' room and promptly vomited.

This was not like the other panic attack. This was not due to fear, but release. I saw his face and survived. I finally believed that I would never be bound in that prison again and I did not know how to handle the overwhelming emotions. I cupped my violently shaking hands and rinsed my mouth then my face. After a few minutes the door swung open and Tony appeared, catching his breath. He must have been searching for me, panicking himself. I knew that I was not finished with whatever episode I had started here but I was willing myself to keep it together until I got home. I would allow myself a breakdown in front of him, but I still could not take my weaknesses having a larger audience. He was so kind, he led me to his car avoiding other people as much as possible. He did not try to make me talk, he just respected my need for a little space.

Once we entered my place, I could bear it no longer. He rubbed my back as I sobbed and it all seemed so familiar. However, this time I did not need to throw up and I was not so anxious as to flirt with passing out. I just heaved sob after sob. He brought me to the couch and I sobbed shamelessly for what seemed like an hour. He held me close to him, rubbed my back and assured me it was over. Eventually it all went peacefully dark.

I get up as quietly as I can, grab my pajamas and go in the bathroom to change and brush my teeth. I look in the mirror and see button marks on my face from Tony's shirt. Nice. I shake my head and smile. When I come out Tony is awake, still lying on the bed with his hands behind his head. His eyes are on me, "Hey."

I walk back to the bed and sit down next to him and slowly tame his hair with my fingers. He closes his eyes and looks content. I settle my hand on his cheek and he moves his head slightly under it to urge me to keep it moving. I gently massage his cheek with my thumb and he soaks in the feeling. I feel my heart thumping again, but not out of fear. I take in his features, his expression. I could easily kiss him right now, and it would all change. He would follow my lead and our night would be spent passionately, but afterwards he would wonder if it was passion borne from the heat of the moment from my emotional distress. Even if I start this he would feel as though he took advantage of me since I asked him to stay as a friend. Then there is the unknown. After all I have been through, I do not know how I might react. We are both so tired and in the end I cannot heap any more unearned guilt upon him. No, there is no doubt that I want to kiss him and see where this leads, but that feels like a 'normal' and short term decision, and I would rather try for 'better' and that involves thinking of consequences longer than the moment.

My lips will not be completely denied so I kiss his forehead. He opens his eyes and smiles. Before I can give myself a chance to reconsider I utter, "It's ten, would you like me to order out and you can get changed and stay here tonight?"

"That sounds great." He sits up in bed, lifts his hand to brush the button indentation on my cheek, and smiles. He then looks down at his shirt to yet another drool mark. "You know, I could get used to being a human Rorschach Test."

I smile, "Oh you could, could you?"

I love putting him on edge, "I mean, that is if you ever wanted me to get used to it . . . or anything" He's dug himself a hole and looks slightly uncomfortable.

I give him a suspicious squint then get up to order Chinese. Tony gets his go bag from the car and changes into sweats and a t-shirt, we eat our dinner over small talk then brush our teeth again. I yawn, "I am still very tired, if you are not ready to get back to sleep you can stay up and watch TV for a while, but I'm hitting the bag."

"Hitting the sack, and yeah, I'm tired too so where would you like me?"

I nod my head towards my bedroom and he beams with pride. When we are both on our respective sides and he is lying with his hands behind his head I curl up next to him and snuggle my head on his chest. I can feel him smiling as his arms enclose around me.

"Ziva . . . "

"Yes, Tony?"

"You okay?"

"I am all cried out but I am no longer distressed. This was not a good day, but tomorrow will be better because of it."

The back of his fingers lightly brushes my check. "So I shouldn't deck Gibbs over this?"

I smile at his willingness to fight for me.

"No, I would not recommend it. After all I did not go through all this just to lose you as my partner."

"You would still have McGee."

"True. Perhaps he would like to have a slumber party next time I suffer an emotional breakdown, yes? You and McGee were partners all summer, did you ever sleep with each other for comfort?"

He laughs, "No, no, I don't offer the DiNozzo snuggle service to everyone, just the most needy." That earned him a dig in the ribs with fingers bent on tickling. He squeaks in protest.

I prop one elbow on his chest and rest my head in my hand, facing him. "So, is that why you are kind to me? Out of pity?" I say it lightly, but I admit I'm fishing.

"Something like that." His finger lightly traces my face but the flirtatious levity is gone and I know my heart is not the only one racing. "But I have promised to be a gentleman so right now I don't trust myself to be more specific."

I hold his gaze and we need no words. I run my fingers through his hair and his eyes close at the feelings they convey. I lean in and kiss his cheek and gently brush my cheek against his.

He replies weakly, "You are not making this easy for me, you know."

I answer in his ear, "I am simply testing your resolve." He is breathing heavily and I know I need to back off. He has given me complete control of this situation and while I would love to taunt him with my honest affection, I know where I do not want this to end. Eventually, yes, but not tonight so I kiss his cheek one more time and resume my original sleeping position, listening to the tha-thump, tha-thump, tha-thump beating much faster.